Let's stop forever (How to kill the porn mind) (25)

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Tolove, Nov 3, 2014.

  1. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Hello everybody!

    My name on this forum is Tolove, because I strongly believe in the power of love. Sex (and definitely porn) is overrated. Love is underrated. Sex is a beautiful thing and important as part of our love-life, but without love, it's worth nothing. This is the most important thing I've learned since really fighting porn since about a year now.

    I am not a heavy user, but feel addicted or at least affected by my porn use. It affected my last relationship, something I really regret and never want to experience again.

    I have been pornfree a lot this year, with some streaks of a month and a halve, but most of the time small cycles. I have felt so strong and at times I felt recovered. I use to feel quite "normal" soon in the rehabilitation. But in the end I started to watch again. I never hold on to it for good. I still feel like I'm very well capable to get rid of this habit. Though the temptations are high at this moment I now that I want to stop for good.

    This is my first post on this forum. But I've read quite some. The posts of Underdog and Bigbookofpenis helped me a lot. By writing this blog I hope to install my new mindset and keep it.

    Also I have some thoughts about the process that I want to share. Most will be about the relation between our porn sex-drive and normal sex-drive and how they influence each other. And those drives related to our search of love.

    Hope this could inspire someone and most important I hope this will help me to quit forever.

    Tolove
     
  2. former_athlete

    former_athlete New Member

    Hey man, I'm in the exact same boat. And could not agree more re: love.

    I am 25 years old - no problem with girls whatsoever - except PIED - which has now caused me too much anxiety!

    Also really reduced porn use since summer, but streaks have been broken.

    Had the best date of my life on Thursday and very inspired to keep this streak going.

    I have laid out in my Google Calender reminders every day for 250 days - can't wait to hit some big milestones coming up - so committed now.
    Let's do this brother!
     
  3. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Hey former_athlete,

    Tnx for your reaction. Yeah let's do this together! PIED sounds terrible to me. I've never had to much trouble with that but do feel that porn effected my (love)life in various ways. I just want this habbit to be part of the past.

    One week
    Now I finished my first week and I feel quite good. Didn't had to much trouble with abstaining after the first two or three days. I had a lot to do and after a few days I discovered a new energy to use. I now knew that I had to search for excitement instead of siting at home. So I called a friend and the next day we went to climb a mountain and had a beautiful day.

    I'm noticing the void of not using porn. Sometimes I just feel like "what shall I do now when porn is not an option?" But like I said because I don't use porn or masturbation I find some energy to use to do something else and it gives me a better concentration when bored or when I have to do something. Since it's hard for me being productive this energy helps and I hope to become more productive in the long run. I know that I need more than just to quit porn and masturbation for this but for now it feels as a good start.

    I'm happy I decided also to quit masturbation because it use to backfire when I think that masturbation could be no problem or even useful. It's not as long I have this habit/addiction and won't help me to transform.

    So that's it, going steady, but I'm just getting started so probably more difficult times will come. I have decided to blog once per week. I spend some more time around here but try to keep it at minimum or when I'm sure it won't do harm.

    A lot of times when I feel some mental urge to watch porn it's just that I need to rest or do something similar. I try to monitor this and react to it in a healthy way. Since I've a better concentration now I also manage to abstain better from facebook, newswebsites and my computer in general. That's such a good thing. I hope I'm gonna feel even more benefits. I think I can make this if I will be able to keep stable and persistent in this challenge.

    So until next week!
    Tolove
     
  4. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    I'm on day 12 today. Nothing big but it feels like a huge accomplishment. I've had bigger streaks for like a month and a halve. Some where quite good, but most of the times I was in some way looking for a release. I've failed in many different ways. Most of the time part of my defeat was feeling sad or lonely about my lovelife.

    I somehow thought sex and love where not related and that a sexual release without porn would make me feel better. The truth of course is opposite. I was still in this erotic net that porn created in my mind. But I learned a lot every time by failing. I can still fall in a similar circle again... But I think I really now what I'm doing this time.

    My goals are clear. I don't want to use porn anymore, because it makes my life better and worth it. I don't want to masturbate because it will lead to porn. Masturbation is not wrong, but for me it doesn't work. It will lead to problems. Love and sex are related. To become the person I want to be in life and love I need to be in control of my sexlife.

    And now I feel more confident. I don't worry to much about my lovelife anymore. I've had two girlfriends, both for around a year and a halve, but I'm single for a year now. Last year I felt such a void and was scared that there would be no other person for me to fall in love with. Or that they wouldn't fall in love with me. After a time of loneliness and some girls that didn't make me feel in love there was suddenly a girl which I fell for. I loved her! We kissed, dated out, but it didn't work for her. Maybe I wanted it to much, I wasn't desperate, but I could have had maybe to much expectations. So I felt lost again. And yes I used porn and masturbation. But since a few weeks I'm meeting again some new girls that I really like. And suddenly I understand what is my type of girl, what kind of girls I like. And those are the girls who like me too! It makes things more clear for me. I can drop all my attention for the girls that aren't my type, which makes me so much more relaxed around people in general. I don't have to be afraid that the perfect girl for me will never come. She will and when she's there I will be able to love her.

    I hope this story about my lovelife can maybe help other people who feel lonely or lost in love. In the end it's about you and how you feel. I try to make a better person out of myself and that gives me a wonderful feeling.

    Next weeks I will be on a trip. Don't know if I'll be posting here in those weeks, but I think I'm gonna keep this journal for a while. I like to post my thoughts here sometimes to venture them a little bit.

    Tolove
     
  5. former_athlete

    former_athlete New Member

    Hey man, yeah I hear you. So unfortunately with that girl "we've" decided we can't see each other, but there is so much connection there. In a way, I kind of set that up, because I'm afraid re: PIED at the moment, how fucking sad is that!?? This girl is the biggest sweatheart and sooo hot. We had so much fun the other night too. Anyway, in the spring I will have this habit beaten will 250 days without porn. I did have release two nights after I saw that girl, in a dream lol. Positive... In the spring I will also have more time, and then we will 100% start dating, regardless if she has a boyfriend then! We just connect too well. I can't believe I'm in this position, I'm in my mid 20s, this is so pathetic. Not to brag, but I can get some pretty hot girls - and sweet ones - I am not shallow - and quite specific with girls. How unbelievable is it that I can't just date this girl now - because I am only on day 16??? I don't know how to position this in my mind... My time will finally come to love and make this girl happy in all ways in a full loving relationship!!!! feeling stronger every day. Heading in the right direction.

    Enjoy your trip!!
    Best,
     
  6. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Here I am back from my trip and already on day 34! The trip was one big important adventure. And it was porn-free!

    I did do some masturbation. I was afraid that after I masturbated I would lose control. But I'm so happy I didn't! The feeling to masturbate more does arise a little in the days after I've done it, but I'm able to control and moderate it.

    Why I did masturbation? I don't know, but somehow my body asks for it. After two weeks I feel the sexual tension building up. The wish to have a nice girl to share my love with becomes huge. But right now that girl is not here available for me. Of course I use the strength that comes with the sexual build up to make a stronger me and use it to attract the right person. But I also feel that if that person isn't here I don't want to force anything. So I choose for a release. Which after some short chaser effects brings me back to a more neutral me, with control over my sexual strength.

    Like I said the first days after masturbation I feel the chaser effects and also I feel that the old porn-related circuits in my brain are somehow used. But I don't think it's a bad thing. While thinking, fantasizing and dreaming I experience flashes of porn influenced thoughts and images in my head. But I'm most of the time very able to distinguish them from the make love thoughts and images. So I can discard them, don't show them any interest, because I know it's fake and won't help me in my search of love. Instead of not accessing the circuits at all I choose to use them in a more healthy way.

    This is a process and not it's not easy, as any rehab is. It makes it in some ways more risky to relapse. But I wouldn't do this if I would't be sure that this is the way to go for me. I don't want to relapse. I have relapsed in the past by trying masturbation during the process, but I've also relapsed by trying to abstain completely. I now choose to control.

    Because I think in the end it's about control of our own sexuality, with or without masturbation, with or without sex. Because when I have the availability of sex I don't want to lose myself in it (which has happened in past relationships). I want to be in control of it. In porn I lost control. I am now working on regaining control.

    To do that I try to minimize the masturbation I do. I try to clean my circuits without porn and work up to a natural pace of streaks without masturbation. This means I can for example masturbate once in a week, once in twenty days, a few times in a row if I feel like it and then have a longer streak again. If I think I'm ready or need to I will go for a bigger streak without masturbation. The most important thing is that I leave porn out forever. And that's where I'm succeeding in!

    I want to warn other people that it took me a while to be able to get into this mindset. I've had some small months without porn and reduced my porn use immense the past year. A year ago this wouldn't have worked for me. I think the heavy users do want to abstain from any stimulation for a really long time to make their brains able to rewire. I'm still a big fan of the no-arousal method. The most important thing is to question yourself (as is it with all the choices you make while in rehab) if you are using this choice as a excuse to fap (or pleasure yourself sexually in a way that isn't naturally for you). If that's the case you should reconsider your options because you will fall back down in the rabbithole. But for me this time it seems to be working and I absolutely don't want to be back in the position where I was a month ago. And that keeps me going.

    It's still a challenge I'm working on and I still have a long way to go. But to be more and more in control feels so good.

    Comments are welcome! Are there more people in rehab this way? How did it go?
     
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I hope you find success in your efforts to regain control, Tolove. Good to hear your trip was an adventure, and a porn-free one!

    I'm curious, where are you from?
     
  8. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Thanks Apeman!

    I had some good masturbation yesterday and just decided that I want to go for a longer masturbation-free streak now. If I start now I will reach 60 days porn-free and 20 days masturbation-free on the same time. I will after this set both goals for 30 days more.

    I'm from the Netherlands, but have been living abroad for a few months. In a few weeks I will return to the Netherlands. I hope to return with a new energy and mindset obtained in the months I lived here. Challenges await me of course, but that seems to be the whole deal, it's part of it. I feel that I'm much stronger and more grown up than before.

    Tolove
     
  9. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    I'm still going strong. No urges or whatsoever to look at porn. Had the dream though where i looked at porn. It was pretty scary and freaked me out a little bit. I felt like like I lost all my progress and everything I was so proud of. And then realized it was a dream. I read about this but didn't expect it to be so strong. Well it reminded me of not to even doubt my choices not to watch porn.

    I masturbated this morning and it made me feel good. Still want to go for a longer streak in the next weeks, but don't want to pressure it. As long as I feel healthy and keep it healthy I'm fine.

    I read some other journals on this site and some great comments. I start to understand more and more that it's all about the life we live.

    I normally have a busy life doing work that I love (art). But this didn't stop me from watching porn. I remember watching porn as a break of my work to release all the pressure. It made me procrastinate a lot.

    I also have some good friends and there are a lot of people I know. But this didn't stop me from watching porn. I remember having a great evening with friends, and after it looking at porn for hours until late in the night, feeling bad after it. I remember not wanting to spend time with friends because of lack of motivation and energy because I watched porn or had to much sex with my girlfriend because of my artificial sexdrive created by porn (more on this later).

    I had a lovely girlfriend. But this didn't stop me from watching porn. I remember being disappointed in the sex we had (because our sex was effected by the porn I had seen) and deciding to have the right to watch porn (and then it all got worse).

    I had it all there right in front of me. So it's not about the lack of friends, love and things to do. They where there! And thank god they still are there (my ex-girlfriend became a good friend and I know I will find a new love someday). It's the way that I looked at it and how I acted to it. I realize now it was always hard for me to feel strong and be happy with my life. Why? Partly because of porn I guess (drains your energy and numbs your happiness receptors) and partly because of who I was at that time. Now I've took the time to become a better me. I'm leaving out the porn and started to build a happier me. This makes me a stronger person and automatically gives me the power to leave out porn for good. I won't need it anymore because I'm able to live my life. I'm able to enjoy and take care of the things that make me happy.

    Thanks for all the posts and stories that made me realize this!

    Tolove
     
  10. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    So how am I doing? Good I guess. 44 days without porn!

    I have not to much trouble with abstaining from it. It relates mostly to how I feel. With my tired mind I long a bit for it right now. But I know better and don't want to watch it. It's just not something that will really make me happy. I have to search for something else to re-balance me in these moments. Porn will never re-balance me. I have to be strong :)

    I'm right now in a period for a few weeks with not to much activities until I will return to the Netherlands. Some days are full with activities, some days are empty. There is not to much I can do about that. I also need days to rest. But I get a little bit sad on these empty days. I don't feel like I will watch porn if I keep going like this, but maybe it's a good idea to make the effort to challenge this situation in general. If I can challenge it now, it will make me stronger and more prepared for hard times to come later. And happier in general. Let's see what I can do!

    Abandon porn from my life will always be my number one goal. But a bigger challenge now is to abstain from masturbation. I noticed less happiness the last time I did it. I want to achieve a longer streak to become stronger. I have to be in control. Almost four days now, so let's see how it goes.

    Tolove
     
  11. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Almost 45 days, oh that sounds so good! And almost 5 days of no masturbation. That's not so much of course but I'm doing well.

    Feeling not so much urges as I expected. Feel a little bit as if I don't need any stimulation at all at this moment. Hope that will fade and become normal in a while, but for now it's good. Or wait... maybe this is normal state? The masturbation I did the last few weeks looks a little bit artificial to me now. I don't know, but don't really care I guess. It feels like I'm doing good and growing to a more naturally me.

    This weekend I will be gone for a few days so when I return the four days will be doubled. This makes me so happy!

    Yeah!!!
     
  12. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    I have 50 days without porn!!!
     
  13. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Congratulations! 50 is a feat, and I can see you're also building a solid no-MO streak as well!
     
  14. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Thanks Apeman for the support! Just listened the last yrb podcast. Really like the show. So good just to hear you guys talking about the problems and it gave me quite some insights. Also had to laugh out loud sometimes!

    I'm doing good, but having a little bit a harder time because of this no-mo streak.

    It's not to difficult to abstain from masturbating. But I have troubles in the morning with not touching it. When I wake up there is not that much to do these days so I prefer to relax a little bit in my bed. But then just at one point I feel my dick getting hard and just want to hold it lightly, while fantasizing about how good it would be with someone.

    I love these thoughts of me with someone I love and what I would do with her. The thoughts are sexual but I don't find them pornographic at all. I find myself way more creative in my sexual thoughts discarding the pornographic thoughts. Finding "solutions" in my head for "problems" I had with girls before. Because I have a more clear mind things become so much more logical. It's as if I'm rebuilding my view on sexuality in my mind. This will definitely increase the quality of my sex and lovelife. So it makes me so happy and full of lust to think of that!

    I really don't see it as edging because for me there is a clear difference with that. What I do is more about warmth than about pure stimulation. I don't wack, I try not to stimulate myself in a physical way, nor in a mental way. I want to complete this streak and build on on it.

    But maybe I need to stop the morning thing, be more strict with it. Or what I mean is get out of my bed right away so the whole thing doesn't happen. Because I find my thoughts wandering a lot. My concentration is lower and that's the thing that makes it harder for me now. I spend quite some time on this site just to look for something new. I don't now if it's related to my morning thing but I think it works both ways.

    So when I'm in the Netherlands I want to leave it all a little bit more behind. Keep both streaks going strong but don't spend to much time thinking about it. Because that's what I need to complete them further. I can because I will live more structured and feel the motivation within me to work on the life I want to live.

    That's it for now. Helped to write this down.
    Tolove
     
  15. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Happy new year everyone! Hope you'll all succeed in your goals.

    I'm about to achieve mine from last year! I have almost reached the 60 days without porn and the 20 days without masturbation. It's so great to be so near that goal after all the hard work. Last two months weren't easy, but if I think of it the hard work was the whole path I've walked before to come to this streak. It's what gave me the strength to do this. I've failed many times but learnt from it and became who I am now.

    "All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samual Beckett

    I arrived this week in the Netherlands. I notice being in a very positive constructive mindset. I am very positive in general, enjoy life a lot and I'm also really social. Next step is to get to work. Make it productive.

    I have taken all my Mondays off from work. It will be my own day, focused on me. I will use those days to organize myself and my dreams. And put them to work! Also I will start to work out again from next week. I couldn't do that abroad. I'm looking forward but it's also a little bit scary to start again. Well I hope I can build on myself and my structured life. There will probably be some empty days when I don't have to go to my side-job. I have to fill those with building my career and my social life. Let's see how it goes, it will take some hard work, but I know that with this mindset I can kick some ass.

    And what about the fapping? I actually start to like the no-masturbation mode. It makes me feel really strong and masculine. There are some waves of sexual thoughts that come from those feelings, but it's not to hard to abstain. I don't want to masturbate. I don't touch it anymore in the mornings. I want to make it to 100 days without masturbation (set it on 50 for now). And when the moment is there I will unleash the beast ;) I feel like that when the moment comes I will be able to make a woman ecstatic. NOT just while having sex, but in life as a whole.
     
  16. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    I did it! 60 days no porn, 20 days no masturbation.

    I've never had a streak like this before. Now I've set my new goals. I want to add 30 days more to both streaks.

    But actually I grew to my new mindset. I feel like never ever watching porn again and living a in general masturbation free live. Maybe occasionaly I would like to masturbate but that's it. Because life is pretty good like this and I don't need any of that. I'm working on having a nice girlfriend :)
     
  17. timetochange87

    timetochange87 New Member

    Congrats mate!

    I've just got to day 30 free of findom / humiliation porn ( and all porn ). Cut down M by 90 % aswell.

    Did you have any problems with anxiety and feeling emotional sometimes? I seem to feel good for a few days then get a sudden wave of extreme anxiety and depression. Hoping it will improve as time goes on.
     
  18. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Congrats on you with your 30 days! Make it 60 and we'll have another celebration together in february.

    I have not that much anxiety. I feel positive almost all of the time. But I have to say that is something i've worked on for a longer time, the whole 2014. I can imagine waves of anxiety but would advise not to be to affected by it. It's part of recovery of your brain. You'll have to become in control of the emotions that you have been pushing away with porn. So in time you'll control them. Every wave is an oppurtunity to learn from it and gain more control over your feelings.

    I just encountered this articale and would advise to read it, especially the part about emotions.

    http://nofapsolideo.wordpress.com/2012/12/12/how-i-did-70-days-of-nofap-on-hardmode-without-breaking-a-sweat-after-7-years-of-failure/

    Good luck and let's catch up in february!
     
  19. Tolove

    Tolove Member

    Exactly 10 weeks ago I stopped watching porn. Today I watched porn.

    Somehow the tension had been build up and I decided to do it. I know what happened. Somehow I needed this kick start. It sucks but I don't feel bad about it. Because I'm done with it.

    I'm gonna leave the forum. I learned a lot here and it helped me so much to write this blog. But I feel fixed. I know what is the difference between life with or without porn and artificial stimulation. Life without porn is awesome. I will continue life without it.

    Masturbation will be there in moderation. For now I think I won't masturbate for a while.

    I hope to be with someone to love soon. And that's it.

    Thanks all for the support and the community. I hope you will all find control.

    Tolove
     
  20. Jigar

    Jigar New Member

    Congrats on the 10 weeks, great stuff. Don't let the relapse turn into a binge, get back on the horse.
     

Share This Page