Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I went to Tarangire National Park en Ngorongoro Crater. Both are awesome, especially the crater is beautiful, so much wildlife.

    Yeah it's a very big step, but if friends around you start having kids it sort of makes it easier to make the choice as well.

    Thanks. She's 26 weeks now. It's still hard, because she's kind of a hippie with her own unconventional set of beliefs. So that also shocks my sister and parents and I feel literally squished between both worlds. But as the woman is fully supported by law to be in full control of a child, there's little I can do. So I try still to focus on my own life too, because that's where I'm in control.
  2. Living

    Living Active Member

    I can imagine that. And she is also from the US right? I guess that brings differences in the way you view things too. So I think it's good that you focus on your own life as well.
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yes, true. Most parents our age really need the support of other parents (mainly family). It takes some of the burden off, otherwise parenting can seem very lonely.
    Also, when friends and family are all settled down, start to have less to do with spare time!
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Work is going well lately. I've been able to go to the co working space after workshops and do a lot of administrative stuff and scheduling. It's necessary but also feels good to be in control. I definitely enjoy this phase, because it always tends to be a phase.

    At the same time, it also seems like there's always at least one thing that isn't going smoothly. And then it becomes this threshold to get started on. It can be a number of things: exercise, cooking and eating healthy, work, household stuff. It always seems like I have to juggle more balls than I can handle. So right now I'm happy the work-ball is up in the air, but I'm not going to the gym a lot. I do have a lot of dancing classes though. Also, cooking seems like a big hurdle for me, I'd rather get something fast and get some work done. I guess these are the challenges of being an adult.

    At the moment doing PMO with some regularity. Not feeling bad about it, being sexually exclusive with a pregnant woman sort of pushes me in that direction. As I try to focus on other areas I'm ok with it for now. Furthermore, considering my sexual adventures of last year, I'm fine with the current state of things right now.

    Things with J are a bit rocky. I notice it's hard to spend a lot of time and energy on her and her kids every week, as I'm busy with my own stuff. In the weekend I usually go to her place, but that also means I cannot really recharge because my attention goes to her and her kids. She keeps bringing up the fact that one or two weekend days aren't enough for her, she wants me to come over more often. It gives me stress. She's also a bit of a hippie, with a bunch of unconventional views. And because she's not very open to other views and ways, there's little room for me and my ideas on parenting. It makes me feel like I'm just a sperm donor, attention robot and cash machine. It makes me pull away from her, so I've been texting her less and she noticed.

    Difficult stuff but I'm still doing ok emotionally. I'm glad I've been able to work on my depression in 2017.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I spent the weekend and last few days at J's place. Doing stuff with her and the kids, and my sister came to visit with her family as well. I also fixed some stuff, helped her clean stuff, she really appreciated it.

    It's a very tough mental exercise I find myself in now, because it feels like I'm in this position where it's all about giving to others (namely her and her kids, and eventually my own kid). There's nothing I can expect back nor is there anything I need from her, because that was never the intention in the first place and I can manage my own needs just fine. Through Vipassana I learned the importance of selfless giving and it is considered the last and most difficult part in one's spiritual growth and development.

    I try to consider my situation as positive as I can. Personal challenges in life are part of life, and allow for growth. This challenge feels so much more difficult than climbing the Kilimanjaro in two days, a feat impossible for many. It made me realize that perhaps my challenges in life are no longer in the physical domain, they are more of a mental and emotional nature.

    The last few weeks I've watched a lot of video's of Jordan Peterson. His speaking and conversation skills are awe inspiring and he has some very good views on a variety of subjects, like the men and women. He also explains the importance of taking on responsibility in life, so I use that as a guideline for my current situation.
    Londoner likes this.
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The difficult times continue. I've been sick for almost a month due to work intensity (lots of dancing workshops) and paying attention to J and her kids in the weekend. So this weekend I decided to stay home to recover.

    However, J had a funeral and texted me about it. Besides the fact that I didn't even know who this person was, I texted her I was sick. Although she texted she would understand if I declined to come, she threw a huge tantrum. Basically she's not content with the entire situation, as I'm not spending ALL my time at her place. She says she wants to "merge" her life with a partner, but considering her situation I'd say "assimilating the man in her household" would be a better description.

    It's annoying and stressful that we're not able to create a stable 'relationship' Relationship in this sense is loosely defined, as I'm just not able to commit to the degree she wants. She keeps pulling on me and almost every week she complains about it. I notice that I'm easily feeling guilty so when I'm over, I help her clean stuff etc. etc. Basically reeling me would mean a lot of perks for her, but at the same time it would only mean a load of extra burden for me. We don't bring the same to the table, but she seems to think that men are waiting in line to take care of her and her soon four children.

    Not being able to get a streak going, also not motivated. I wonder if that contributes to me staying sick for so long. At least I started eating better the last few days.
  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I guess she may be more sensitive now because of the hormones. I'd like to stress that you shouldn't act out of guilt. That will only make you more angry at her in tje long run, leading to even more guilt etc. Get better, take rest, work on your recovery. Find yourself back. You have a say in how you want this relationship/ family to be.

    Just want to let you know that I became father (again) recently and in hindsight the period towards the birth I was more anxious than I thought I was (or was going to be) and MOed quite regularly as well. It is quite a thing to have babies, also for the father. Give room to those feelings. Also when you baby is born, you'll find yourself in a women-dominated world: health service, 'kraamzorg', midwife, your wife, etc. They will all know what is best and also what you should or should not do. Stick to what you want and what you feel. Stay strong, but also enjoy. You're going to be a father, you're a lucky guy :):cool:
    TheScriabin likes this.
  8. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Hi TheBeg, sorry to hear that it's been difficult. However, I think you should pat yourself on the back for doing your best to be involved as a father.

    I think I'd also understand her feelings. It sounds like it's a stressful time for her and she may be overreacting to certain things. How much time are you spending with her on average? A couple nights a week or more like a 4 or 5?
    Have you thought about seeing a therapist for a session or 2? It's an understandably stressful situation for you and you might be surprised how beneficial a session might be in these sorts of moments.

    Best of Luck.
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    J's mom also texted me a few times, texting stuff like "I hope you don't disappear when things get hard and reappear when things are easy, I trust you have more character and integrity than that, but I do wonder." It's sad, because everyone's family is being stressed over this situation, like my sister and my parents. I don't really need her mom to meddle in this, especially when she just seems to try and shame me.

    I called with my sister yesterday, I hoped to receive some understanding but she told me that I've been telling the same thing numerous times by now. Until the birth there's no telling how I feel. Same for my parents who also seem to distance themselves from the situation, as it's just very awkward for them too.

    It was a tough reality check, but it is what it is, my fate and consequences of my actions. Luckily my friends will always be open to listen. But there's not much to do than to wait.

    Not sure if a therapist is available for such short series. On the other hand, I have some stuff planned that extends on the spiritual/mental plane of Kilimanjaro.
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I understand where you're coming from. It must be difficult to be worrying about something before you even know how to feel, as you haven't been a father before. Only thing I can say is that my brother was absolutely panicked when his girlfriend of only a few months got pregnant accidentally. That was 10 years ago. They now have 4 lovely kids and are happily married. I know your situation is more complicated, but I actually don't know any friends who weren't at least somewhat panicked at the idea of having kids (even if they were already married).

    I'd reiterate my advice to see a therapist, esp as it does seem that you weren't getting what you'd hoped for from your sister or your parents. However, it's quite possible they just don't know what to say, or didn't want to say the "wrong" thing. Friends and family can also be a bit biased I've found. A therapist is trained to listen and to help you with problems. Also, when you're in therapy it's all about you and focusing on the issue(s) at hand.
    Where I am (Ireland), there's an organisation (MyMind.org) that does simple in and out therapy. Obv there's benefit to going more than once, but you can go as often or as little as you like. I'd be surprised if there isn't something similar in your country.
  11. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply @gavney. I've had therapy all through 2017 and that really helped me. I was suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts pretty badly then and was able to take care of that completely. I haven't been depressed ever since.

    So this situation is mostly about practical issues. How are things going to go, how should I handle things? More in a practical sense than in an emotional sense. Two of my best friends have become fathers and can share their experiences with me (they situation is 'simple' though).

    I guess the problem for my sister and parents is that all this is too close to them because they are family. My friend I talk can to very well, they are close enough to me to understand me very well, but at the same time they are not part of the situation itself so they can maintain some mental distance. In that respect I think a therapist would be similar to my friends.

    As far as mental/spiritual preparation goes, I mentioned in my previous post that I have some stuff lined up. Two friends of mine recently did an ayahuasca session and have gotten great insights out of that, including my friend (who is a father of two kids) who recently got divorced and wanted to process last six months of stress. We're going to do a session with a group soon and I think that can help me a lot too, to find some inner answers and mental clarity. It's not everybody's cup of tea but it seems to align pretty well with practices that are meant to provide mental maturing (such as meditation).

    A nice side effect is the prerequisite of sexual abstinence some days before such sessions, as well as eating healthy and light. I already started with the food part, also doing more exercise. I have a performance coming up in two months that I need to be in shape for.
    Londoner likes this.
  12. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Good to hear man, you're dealing with this very well I think. It sounds like your friend who recently got divorced would be dealing with alot at the moment and he would probably have some good understanding of your situation. Despite not being exactly the same, you're still both in situations that have many similarities. A good person to talk to at the moment I'd say.
  13. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Checking in. Things are ok. Right now feeling a bit anxious which is probably due to having M'd yesterday.

    Last weekend was awesome as I did the ayahuasca session with some friends (even one of my best friends' father was present). We were with a big group of 18 people in total. It was very nice and my intention was to learn more about my upcoming fatherhood and I got a lot of insights. If people are interested I can share more about the experience. To prepare I also had to withhold sex for some days, which felt good. After the weekend J and I had sex, which was good and she definitely needs it to take the edge of as her pregnancy is getting more difficult now.

    I'm more busy with eating better and exercise, which overall seems to help me. Money is a bit tight, and that will get progressively worse in the coming years if I don't start making a lot more I guess.

    Life is overwhelming in general now and it still feels like I'm in some sort of weird and scary dream. I don't know how to judge all of this I'm in. But all I can do is accept the strange rollercoaster I'm in.
    If I think back how my journal has shifted during the years it's quite bizarre. At least my life isn't boring.
    cjm likes this.
  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i'm interested to hear more mate

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