Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Hi TheBeg, sorry to hear that it's been difficult. However, I think you should pat yourself on the back for doing your best to be involved as a father.

    I think I'd also understand her feelings. It sounds like it's a stressful time for her and she may be overreacting to certain things. How much time are you spending with her on average? A couple nights a week or more like a 4 or 5?
    Have you thought about seeing a therapist for a session or 2? It's an understandably stressful situation for you and you might be surprised how beneficial a session might be in these sorts of moments.

    Best of Luck.
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    J's mom also texted me a few times, texting stuff like "I hope you don't disappear when things get hard and reappear when things are easy, I trust you have more character and integrity than that, but I do wonder." It's sad, because everyone's family is being stressed over this situation, like my sister and my parents. I don't really need her mom to meddle in this, especially when she just seems to try and shame me.

    I called with my sister yesterday, I hoped to receive some understanding but she told me that I've been telling the same thing numerous times by now. Until the birth there's no telling how I feel. Same for my parents who also seem to distance themselves from the situation, as it's just very awkward for them too.

    It was a tough reality check, but it is what it is, my fate and consequences of my actions. Luckily my friends will always be open to listen. But there's not much to do than to wait.

    Not sure if a therapist is available for such short series. On the other hand, I have some stuff planned that extends on the spiritual/mental plane of Kilimanjaro.
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I understand where you're coming from. It must be difficult to be worrying about something before you even know how to feel, as you haven't been a father before. Only thing I can say is that my brother was absolutely panicked when his girlfriend of only a few months got pregnant accidentally. That was 10 years ago. They now have 4 lovely kids and are happily married. I know your situation is more complicated, but I actually don't know any friends who weren't at least somewhat panicked at the idea of having kids (even if they were already married).

    I'd reiterate my advice to see a therapist, esp as it does seem that you weren't getting what you'd hoped for from your sister or your parents. However, it's quite possible they just don't know what to say, or didn't want to say the "wrong" thing. Friends and family can also be a bit biased I've found. A therapist is trained to listen and to help you with problems. Also, when you're in therapy it's all about you and focusing on the issue(s) at hand.
    Where I am (Ireland), there's an organisation (MyMind.org) that does simple in and out therapy. Obv there's benefit to going more than once, but you can go as often or as little as you like. I'd be surprised if there isn't something similar in your country.
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply @gavney. I've had therapy all through 2017 and that really helped me. I was suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts pretty badly then and was able to take care of that completely. I haven't been depressed ever since.

    So this situation is mostly about practical issues. How are things going to go, how should I handle things? More in a practical sense than in an emotional sense. Two of my best friends have become fathers and can share their experiences with me (they situation is 'simple' though).

    I guess the problem for my sister and parents is that all this is too close to them because they are family. My friend I talk can to very well, they are close enough to me to understand me very well, but at the same time they are not part of the situation itself so they can maintain some mental distance. In that respect I think a therapist would be similar to my friends.

    As far as mental/spiritual preparation goes, I mentioned in my previous post that I have some stuff lined up. Two friends of mine recently did an ayahuasca session and have gotten great insights out of that, including my friend (who is a father of two kids) who recently got divorced and wanted to process last six months of stress. We're going to do a session with a group soon and I think that can help me a lot too, to find some inner answers and mental clarity. It's not everybody's cup of tea but it seems to align pretty well with practices that are meant to provide mental maturing (such as meditation).

    A nice side effect is the prerequisite of sexual abstinence some days before such sessions, as well as eating healthy and light. I already started with the food part, also doing more exercise. I have a performance coming up in two months that I need to be in shape for.
    Londoner likes this.
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Good to hear man, you're dealing with this very well I think. It sounds like your friend who recently got divorced would be dealing with alot at the moment and he would probably have some good understanding of your situation. Despite not being exactly the same, you're still both in situations that have many similarities. A good person to talk to at the moment I'd say.
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Checking in. Things are ok. Right now feeling a bit anxious which is probably due to having M'd yesterday.

    Last weekend was awesome as I did the ayahuasca session with some friends (even one of my best friends' father was present). We were with a big group of 18 people in total. It was very nice and my intention was to learn more about my upcoming fatherhood and I got a lot of insights. If people are interested I can share more about the experience. To prepare I also had to withhold sex for some days, which felt good. After the weekend J and I had sex, which was good and she definitely needs it to take the edge of as her pregnancy is getting more difficult now.

    I'm more busy with eating better and exercise, which overall seems to help me. Money is a bit tight, and that will get progressively worse in the coming years if I don't start making a lot more I guess.

    Life is overwhelming in general now and it still feels like I'm in some sort of weird and scary dream. I don't know how to judge all of this I'm in. But all I can do is accept the strange rollercoaster I'm in.
    If I think back how my journal has shifted during the years it's quite bizarre. At least my life isn't boring.
    cjm likes this.
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i'm interested to hear more mate
  8. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I haven't posted in a while due to the life rollercoaster.

    Two days ago my son was born. Very special happening, I was just with J in a birthing pool we set up in the living room. Her mother is here from the us to take care of her kids. Especially the moment she lifted him out of the water was very special.

    It's a strange two days and it's tough already. I felt a lot of bonding hormones yesterday but now I just feel stress mostly. Besides the baby, J needs attention too and I personally feel like a robot that just has to do his duties. There's no room for emotions on my side.

    We had sex a few days before her labour. There's no room at all to relapse because so much needs to get done and it's almost impossible to get anything done, so in the sexual energy department I'm doing good I guess.

    My feelings are all over the place. Sometimes it's just nice to see him being cute. But on other moments I feel like I'm being punished for being reckless sexually last year. With the sense of freedom being my highest core value, that core value has now been stripped from my life.

    Hope you guys are doing ok.
    Living likes this.
  9. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Congratulations! Please don't see it as a punishment, it's the natural next stage of a man's life. Yes, you'll have a lot of duties to perform, but once he starts talking you'll love him even more, I'm sure, and it will be more than worth it.
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yeah he's just super cute and innocent. As it's turning out, the difficult part is dealing with the mother.
    Living and cjm like this.
  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Congratulations man! Whatever happens in your life, you have a son, that's an amazing thing.
    I'm sure it's really difficult at the moment, but most worthwhile things are difficult.

    Anyway, this is coming from a guy who has no kids, so I don't know what those words are worth, but congrats again anyway!
    Thebeg likes this.
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    congratulations man!

    i do hear you though. I think having kids is one of those things that everyone assumes is just amazing and perfect, after all what are we put on this world for if not to reproduce, right?

    However even for some people in more "conventional" and happy relationships than yourselves will struggle, i recently watched a Louis theroux documentary about mothers with post natal depression who had to be sectioned for the safety of themselves and their children

    So in your situation, i guess its going to be a difficult time with some conflicting feelings, at the same time as being a little bit magical
    Thebeg likes this.
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Congratulations man! An amazing thing indeed.
    Thebeg likes this.
  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Many congrats mate, wish you all the best!!!!

    I have an Italian friend who asked me to translate his diaries once. He has lived quite a life. There was a passage he wrote that reminded me of what you said, so I'm sharing it with you in case it helps you on your own journey. It might sound a bit dark, but out of the darkest places comes the light.

    "I found myself facing a passage of great importance for my growth: my mind was bombarded with dreams and images of death, most frequently involving the mangled corpse of my daughter Caterina; the more I tried to forget the images, the more I was haunted by them, making me feel like I was going crazy. I talked to Mariano and he told me not to be afraid, and didn’t say anything else, confident that I would find the answers within myself, if I only listened. One day, I realised what life was telling me with those dreams and images: it was showing me a light that would make me a lot more free. Life was asking me to get rid of Caterina because my life has a value that cannot depend on her; I cannot allow myself to believe (as I did with my faithful dog), that without her I would not know how to live anymore! I’m not the person to have to carry this weight, because Caterina is not me. If I am to love Caterina, if I love my dog, I have to love my own life above all, or I will remain a frightened child, incapable of being a good father. I understood that Caterina was going to die because I was dying, if I didn’t manage to change, to be able to accompany her now as an adult that loves and desires his own growth as a distinct person."
    Thebeg likes this.

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