Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. RebornAgain

    RebornAgain Beating my addiction one day at a time.. Staff Member

    The Beg -
    Would love to keep reading your posts on this forum. Big fan of your thread and I for one would love if you kept posting. Good luck my friend. Sounds like a crazy situation you got going on here
  2. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I don't mean to be judgemental, but I think you're being a bit self-centered here. From what I can tell, the pregnancy was accidental? If so, it's nobodys "fault" but you have to accept that it's a risk you take when having casual sex with someone. You could take every precaution but be very unlucky, that's the risk you take.
    You also can't control how a woman will feel once she gets pregnant. She might not have known how she would feel.
    But from what I can tell, she is being very fair with you. You have a choice to be a part of this child's life, or not. You said that she "leaves it up to me how much I want to be involved." Surely she couldn't be fairer on you?
    Look at it from her point of view. Once she's decided to keep the child, she will have NO choice after that.

    Also, you can't really expect her to raise the child on her own. If you decide you just want to be a "weekend dad" or "once a month dad", that's fine, but it's not fair to expect her to not look for another man who will be there more often, as raising a child is very difficult.

    It sounds like you think she's trying to control you or make you submit etc... But isn't it possible that she's feeling very mixed up herself and is just trying to be as open as possible with her feelings, laying all her cards on the table?

    It's a difficult situation, and I feel for you both.
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I largely agree with Gavney, but at the same time I think it is healthy and important that you express your feelings like you did here. It is quite a shock for you and everything changes now. Most men have this inner conflict of wishing complete (sexual) freedon but at the same time be the dedicated head of a family. It is not so much of what society expects from you, but about what you think is reasonable. You are an intelligent guy with the heart at the right place. I am sure you'll find a right way forward that is good for all in the short and long term.
  4. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    I'm not qualified to comment on any of this - just to let you know that I'm still following your journal, even though I'm not posting much these days.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies guys. The sexual situation wasn't helping because it was making J and me drift apart. I want to at least try to raise my child in a decent way with two parents being visibly together and showing mutual affection, which means I want to try to be "together" with J in some way or form. I get along with her but I am not in love with her. I don't feel this infatuation to put a ring in her finger, I don't believe in that stuff.

    With A being gone already, I decided that a sacrifice I am willing to make is to offer my sexual exclusivity, at least until the birth. In the period after that I'll be around a lot, which basically extends that period. And then later on I can see how I feel about it. I do this for the argument of the child's health first and foremost, although it also serves her personal goal of making me commit to her. I did tell J that my tolerance for sexual deprivation games is zero thanks to my previous relationship and TRP stuff in general. I don't like it when a woman starts to use sex as a weapon after the man gave away his exclusivity. If she starts to treat me badly or get bored with me because she now "has me", I'll have to go my own way. But then at least I tried to make it work from my side.

    After that conversation we had plenty of sex and she was happy, although of course the hormones are still all over the place... pregnancy eh
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Completely agree. And I was very hesitant to write my last post for that reason. However, I think a bit of honest input is good from people here.
    Thebeg likes this.
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    That's all good to hear man. This is a situation you didn't plan for and haven't experienced before, so you don't know exactly how you'll feel until the baby is born. Sounds like you had an honest conversation which is the best thing you can do at the moment. Take it one day at a time and best wishes!
    Thebeg likes this.
  8. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    What's the latest with you, @Thebeg?
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey @Londoner. Just got the results of some bloodtests of J in. Everything looks fine and healthy. One one hand this is great news, as I want a healthy child if I were to have one anyway. But at the same time this also makes it more real, which also is strange and in a way frightening. I have no idea what my life will be like next year, and most likely it will never be the same as it was.

    I've been slacking quite hard during the Holidays. A lot of gaming and also a lot of relapses which stem from the realization that there will be no sexual variation (i.e. different women) for the time being. Also bad food, but my mood is still decent considering the circumstances.
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Good to hear that everything looks fine and healthy!
  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Bear in mind you would probably still be frightened if it was a planned pregnancy and you had 100% decided to have it together. I don't know any one who wasn't scared at the prospect of having a child for the first time. You sound like you'll be a good father no matter what arrangement you have.
  12. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    I agree, you'll be great as a dad, regardless of what happens between you and mum.

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