Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Checking in. Things are ok. Right now feeling a bit anxious which is probably due to having M'd yesterday.

    Last weekend was awesome as I did the ayahuasca session with some friends (even one of my best friends' father was present). We were with a big group of 18 people in total. It was very nice and my intention was to learn more about my upcoming fatherhood and I got a lot of insights. If people are interested I can share more about the experience. To prepare I also had to withhold sex for some days, which felt good. After the weekend J and I had sex, which was good and she definitely needs it to take the edge of as her pregnancy is getting more difficult now.

    I'm more busy with eating better and exercise, which overall seems to help me. Money is a bit tight, and that will get progressively worse in the coming years if I don't start making a lot more I guess.

    Life is overwhelming in general now and it still feels like I'm in some sort of weird and scary dream. I don't know how to judge all of this I'm in. But all I can do is accept the strange rollercoaster I'm in.
    If I think back how my journal has shifted during the years it's quite bizarre. At least my life isn't boring.
    cjm likes this.
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i'm interested to hear more mate
  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I haven't posted in a while due to the life rollercoaster.

    Two days ago my son was born. Very special happening, I was just with J in a birthing pool we set up in the living room. Her mother is here from the us to take care of her kids. Especially the moment she lifted him out of the water was very special.

    It's a strange two days and it's tough already. I felt a lot of bonding hormones yesterday but now I just feel stress mostly. Besides the baby, J needs attention too and I personally feel like a robot that just has to do his duties. There's no room for emotions on my side.

    We had sex a few days before her labour. There's no room at all to relapse because so much needs to get done and it's almost impossible to get anything done, so in the sexual energy department I'm doing good I guess.

    My feelings are all over the place. Sometimes it's just nice to see him being cute. But on other moments I feel like I'm being punished for being reckless sexually last year. With the sense of freedom being my highest core value, that core value has now been stripped from my life.

    Hope you guys are doing ok.
    Living likes this.
  4. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Congratulations! Please don't see it as a punishment, it's the natural next stage of a man's life. Yes, you'll have a lot of duties to perform, but once he starts talking you'll love him even more, I'm sure, and it will be more than worth it.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yeah he's just super cute and innocent. As it's turning out, the difficult part is dealing with the mother.
    Living and cjm like this.
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Congratulations man! Whatever happens in your life, you have a son, that's an amazing thing.
    I'm sure it's really difficult at the moment, but most worthwhile things are difficult.

    Anyway, this is coming from a guy who has no kids, so I don't know what those words are worth, but congrats again anyway!
    Thebeg likes this.
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    congratulations man!

    i do hear you though. I think having kids is one of those things that everyone assumes is just amazing and perfect, after all what are we put on this world for if not to reproduce, right?

    However even for some people in more "conventional" and happy relationships than yourselves will struggle, i recently watched a Louis theroux documentary about mothers with post natal depression who had to be sectioned for the safety of themselves and their children

    So in your situation, i guess its going to be a difficult time with some conflicting feelings, at the same time as being a little bit magical
    Thebeg likes this.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Many congrats mate, wish you all the best!!!!

    I have an Italian friend who asked me to translate his diaries once. He has lived quite a life. There was a passage he wrote that reminded me of what you said, so I'm sharing it with you in case it helps you on your own journey. It might sound a bit dark, but out of the darkest places comes the light.

    "I found myself facing a passage of great importance for my growth: my mind was bombarded with dreams and images of death, most frequently involving the mangled corpse of my daughter Caterina; the more I tried to forget the images, the more I was haunted by them, making me feel like I was going crazy. I talked to Mariano and he told me not to be afraid, and didn’t say anything else, confident that I would find the answers within myself, if I only listened. One day, I realised what life was telling me with those dreams and images: it was showing me a light that would make me a lot more free. Life was asking me to get rid of Caterina because my life has a value that cannot depend on her; I cannot allow myself to believe (as I did with my faithful dog), that without her I would not know how to live anymore! I’m not the person to have to carry this weight, because Caterina is not me. If I am to love Caterina, if I love my dog, I have to love my own life above all, or I will remain a frightened child, incapable of being a good father. I understood that Caterina was going to die because I was dying, if I didn’t manage to change, to be able to accompany her now as an adult that loves and desires his own growth as a distinct person."
    Thebeg likes this.

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