Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Bear in mind you would probably still be frightened if it was a planned pregnancy and you had 100% decided to have it together. I don't know any one who wasn't scared at the prospect of having a child for the first time. You sound like you'll be a good father no matter what arrangement you have.
  2. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I agree, you'll be great as a dad, regardless of what happens between you and mum.
  3. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    What's the latest?
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey Londoner and others. Life is really overwhelming at the moment. I have less and less time as I have more and more stuff demanding my time and attention. The most prevalent are the preparations for Kilimanjaro, of course the pregnancy and work which is very busy as well.

    Kili preparations are quite ok. After a hiking training with some guys in Switzerland my knees were destroyed. Been working hard on them since then and they feel better. Lots of breathing exercises (high altitude simulation). Yesterday I did a hike downtown to my friend who became a dad this Monday. Great to see him with his boy. Then hiked back. Felt good. Hopefully I am able to make it to the top of the mountain. It's by far my most expensive trip yet. A well prepared Kili trip easily costs over 5k I've learned.

    Things with J are going ok. I still feel very anxious and sort of trapped in the situation, especially when I read about the stuff how men get screwed over on the MGTOW reddit. We both had our birthdays and I spent a lot of time and energy in organizing my own birthday which I tend to hate, but it was a good way for J to meet a lot of my friends. I couldn't really catch up with any of them as I was too busy hosting. Most brought their kids too. J's birthday was special for her, as her mother made a surprise visit from the US. Also took a lot of time to plan the whole thing, but good to see her happy and she shouldn't feel stressed.

    The pregnancy is fine, and this weekend we'll have a little gender reveal party with some family. Keep you guys posted on this.

    Sex-wise, here are some statistics: So my O from Masturbation/Sex was 79/170 in 2018, compared to 108/60 in 2017 (started logging in feb 2017). So 2018 was a great improvement. Unfortunately, that has reversed so far as my sexual situation is completely different now, since things with J are exclusive. Right now it's at 14/5, the overall trend is clear. Little sex and thus more M, honestly pretty much as I expected.

    I consider it a sacrifice for my kid. And to be frank, right now with all the stress going on my libido is pretty low anyway. So I don't care too much about it. I still enjoy the memories of the crazy sexual adventures of last year. And I also remember that at a point I wasn't too sure where my life was heading, if I would ever have offspring. At least that question is answered now.

    Hope you all are doing fine.
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2019
    Londoner and cjm like this.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    So I'm getting a son! Feels like an enormous thing, but at the same time I'm happy to share all my knowledge in the world.

    The last few days were stressful with J having all kinds of emotional outbursts, her mother visiting and of course her 3 kids. I'm trying my best to take as much burden off her as I can without compromising too much of myself. Doing some work on her house, move stuff, etc. It does feel very uneven, because I ask for literally nothing and don't need anything from her, yet I "come in handy" for a 1000 different things in her life. So I'm fully in the position of giving, so I'll just go ahead and consider it that.

    These are the last two weeks before I'm climbing Kilimanjaro. Very exciting but also scared. I really want to make it to the top but it's such a crazy undertaking and with my knee injury I'm definitely behind on training. Making the best of my time and preparing mostly mentally.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Wow! Happy and excited for you man!
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

  8. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. However, the situation does not really allow for much bliss at it seems to be growing more and more complex and worrisome by the day.

    J is trying to pressure me to become the head of her household after the baby is born. She wants me to help with all the housework and be present as a "complete family", that's her view of a partnership. But she seems to forget that she already has three children and for me that's not going to work. I have my own life here, and I need my own space. I was never interested in taking care of a single mom with three kids and no income (aside from her ex's alimony).

    The latest development is that she doesn't want to finalize the divorce until she has found a cheaper place to rent. As she makes no money herself, she is afraid that corporations will not let her rent a house with no proof of income. But, if the baby is born while she is still married, her still-husband will automatically become the legal father and will carry their last name. Basically my child becomes his and I'm a nobody, with no rights and no responsibilities. To change the birth certificate and last name at a later moment will have to go through court with a lawyer, all of which will be made more complex because he lives in the US. It'll easily cost thousands of euro's or maybe more. Who has to pay those costs? Do I have to pay for the mess she made of her life? That doesn't sound right to me. My life is in order, I have no liabilities and I'm not interested in paying the bill of someone else's previous life choices. I'll go to a lawyer office for some legal advice soon.

    My parents are having a tough time with it all. They were happy that I'm getting a son, as that means the family name will live on, which is a big thing for them. But for now that seems unlikely.

    Then there's also this other literal mountain: the Kilimanjaro. In exactly a week I'm going there. I've picked up training and had a good session yesterday. I spent around 3,5 hours hiking 15km, including going up and down a 13 story building and 20 minutes on a treadmill in the gym with 15 degree slope. No pain so that's good and gives me confidence. Also doing lots of breath holding exercises to prepare my body for the air on the mountain.

    Regarding sex, my libido is low overall with all the stress. I try not to relapse but sex with J is also not common, especially when we get in arguments and she's pregnant of course. And with all the things going on it also makes me feel like wanting to distance myself.
    Londoner and cjm like this.
  9. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Good luck at Kilimanjaro!
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks Londoner! Right now I'm packing my stuff and will be getting a few hours of sleep before I have to go the airport. I've been busy for pretty much 17 hours straight to get everything ready.

    I'll let you guys know how things went!
  11. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    My trip to Tanzania was a blast. It was so awesome to see the guys I met in Poland in 2017 for the iceman stuff and do this crazy Kilimanjaro climb in two days. Also met some new faces, great people as well. The climb itself was very tough and challenging. It was exhausting to walk 80+ km in under four days. And at a height of 5000m it's very difficult to breathe and sleep. The summit attempt was one of the most difficult physical things I've ever done, but I managed to pull through and reach the summit at 5895m altitude in under 51 hours.

    It was a fantastic experience and we went on a safari afterwards. Very good times.

    It also made me realize that the highest mountains in my life are more mental than physical. Climbing the highest mountain in Africa doesn't feel as hard as getting myself motivated for work stuff, for example. Kind of crazy, come to think of it. But maybe that underlines what sort of creature I really am.

    I was on a two week streak because of my trip, got into a relapse pattern afterwards. Still having sex with J as well and overall I'm accepting of the situation I'm in. It will be a matter of trying to add another life-role (that of being a father) in my current life. I'm glad all this is happening at my current age. If I was younger I would have much more problems with it. At the same time I'm not that old yet, so there's enough life for me to enjoy still. Just make sure I say fit and healthy.
  12. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Great to hear man! Am heading to Tanzania at end of this week with GF, and very excited. We're not doing kilimanjaro, just doing safari and then a week in Zanzibar.

    That's really cool, as it sounds like it has gone from being out of your control anyway, so you can only make the best from it.
    You might look back on this in 5 years and be delighted with what fatherhood has brought to you. I guess it's the one decision you can't really know what
    it's like till we try it, and once you do there's no going back!

    GF and I have seriously been talking about starting to try for a child when we get back from Tanzania, so it's an issue I'm grappling with more and more, especially as the reality of it is starting to really hit home.
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sounds like an awesome trip! The last time I was here the two of you didn't know yet what to do with J being pregnant. Although I understand it must have been a really tough decission, the way you handled this was probably the right thing to do. How long is she in now?
  14. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I went to Tarangire National Park en Ngorongoro Crater. Both are awesome, especially the crater is beautiful, so much wildlife.

    Yeah it's a very big step, but if friends around you start having kids it sort of makes it easier to make the choice as well.

    Thanks. She's 26 weeks now. It's still hard, because she's kind of a hippie with her own unconventional set of beliefs. So that also shocks my sister and parents and I feel literally squished between both worlds. But as the woman is fully supported by law to be in full control of a child, there's little I can do. So I try still to focus on my own life too, because that's where I'm in control.
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I can imagine that. And she is also from the US right? I guess that brings differences in the way you view things too. So I think it's good that you focus on your own life as well.
  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yes, true. Most parents our age really need the support of other parents (mainly family). It takes some of the burden off, otherwise parenting can seem very lonely.
    Also, when friends and family are all settled down, start to have less to do with spare time!
  17. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Work is going well lately. I've been able to go to the co working space after workshops and do a lot of administrative stuff and scheduling. It's necessary but also feels good to be in control. I definitely enjoy this phase, because it always tends to be a phase.

    At the same time, it also seems like there's always at least one thing that isn't going smoothly. And then it becomes this threshold to get started on. It can be a number of things: exercise, cooking and eating healthy, work, household stuff. It always seems like I have to juggle more balls than I can handle. So right now I'm happy the work-ball is up in the air, but I'm not going to the gym a lot. I do have a lot of dancing classes though. Also, cooking seems like a big hurdle for me, I'd rather get something fast and get some work done. I guess these are the challenges of being an adult.

    At the moment doing PMO with some regularity. Not feeling bad about it, being sexually exclusive with a pregnant woman sort of pushes me in that direction. As I try to focus on other areas I'm ok with it for now. Furthermore, considering my sexual adventures of last year, I'm fine with the current state of things right now.

    Things with J are a bit rocky. I notice it's hard to spend a lot of time and energy on her and her kids every week, as I'm busy with my own stuff. In the weekend I usually go to her place, but that also means I cannot really recharge because my attention goes to her and her kids. She keeps bringing up the fact that one or two weekend days aren't enough for her, she wants me to come over more often. It gives me stress. She's also a bit of a hippie, with a bunch of unconventional views. And because she's not very open to other views and ways, there's little room for me and my ideas on parenting. It makes me feel like I'm just a sperm donor, attention robot and cash machine. It makes me pull away from her, so I've been texting her less and she noticed.

    Difficult stuff but I'm still doing ok emotionally. I'm glad I've been able to work on my depression in 2017.
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I spent the weekend and last few days at J's place. Doing stuff with her and the kids, and my sister came to visit with her family as well. I also fixed some stuff, helped her clean stuff, she really appreciated it.

    It's a very tough mental exercise I find myself in now, because it feels like I'm in this position where it's all about giving to others (namely her and her kids, and eventually my own kid). There's nothing I can expect back nor is there anything I need from her, because that was never the intention in the first place and I can manage my own needs just fine. Through Vipassana I learned the importance of selfless giving and it is considered the last and most difficult part in one's spiritual growth and development.

    I try to consider my situation as positive as I can. Personal challenges in life are part of life, and allow for growth. This challenge feels so much more difficult than climbing the Kilimanjaro in two days, a feat impossible for many. It made me realize that perhaps my challenges in life are no longer in the physical domain, they are more of a mental and emotional nature.

    The last few weeks I've watched a lot of video's of Jordan Peterson. His speaking and conversation skills are awe inspiring and he has some very good views on a variety of subjects, like the men and women. He also explains the importance of taking on responsibility in life, so I use that as a guideline for my current situation.
    Londoner likes this.
  19. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The difficult times continue. I've been sick for almost a month due to work intensity (lots of dancing workshops) and paying attention to J and her kids in the weekend. So this weekend I decided to stay home to recover.

    However, J had a funeral and texted me about it. Besides the fact that I didn't even know who this person was, I texted her I was sick. Although she texted she would understand if I declined to come, she threw a huge tantrum. Basically she's not content with the entire situation, as I'm not spending ALL my time at her place. She says she wants to "merge" her life with a partner, but considering her situation I'd say "assimilating the man in her household" would be a better description.

    It's annoying and stressful that we're not able to create a stable 'relationship' Relationship in this sense is loosely defined, as I'm just not able to commit to the degree she wants. She keeps pulling on me and almost every week she complains about it. I notice that I'm easily feeling guilty so when I'm over, I help her clean stuff etc. etc. Basically reeling me would mean a lot of perks for her, but at the same time it would only mean a load of extra burden for me. We don't bring the same to the table, but she seems to think that men are waiting in line to take care of her and her soon four children.

    Not being able to get a streak going, also not motivated. I wonder if that contributes to me staying sick for so long. At least I started eating better the last few days.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I guess she may be more sensitive now because of the hormones. I'd like to stress that you shouldn't act out of guilt. That will only make you more angry at her in tje long run, leading to even more guilt etc. Get better, take rest, work on your recovery. Find yourself back. You have a say in how you want this relationship/ family to be.

    Just want to let you know that I became father (again) recently and in hindsight the period towards the birth I was more anxious than I thought I was (or was going to be) and MOed quite regularly as well. It is quite a thing to have babies, also for the father. Give room to those feelings. Also when you baby is born, you'll find yourself in a women-dominated world: health service, 'kraamzorg', midwife, your wife, etc. They will all know what is best and also what you should or should not do. Stick to what you want and what you feel. Stay strong, but also enjoy. You're going to be a father, you're a lucky guy :):cool:
    TheScriabin likes this.

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