Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. RebornAgain

    RebornAgain Beating my addiction one day at a time.. Staff Member

    The Beg -
    Would love to keep reading your posts on this forum. Big fan of your thread and I for one would love if you kept posting. Good luck my friend. Sounds like a crazy situation you got going on here
  2. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I don't mean to be judgemental, but I think you're being a bit self-centered here. From what I can tell, the pregnancy was accidental? If so, it's nobodys "fault" but you have to accept that it's a risk you take when having casual sex with someone. You could take every precaution but be very unlucky, that's the risk you take.
    You also can't control how a woman will feel once she gets pregnant. She might not have known how she would feel.
    But from what I can tell, she is being very fair with you. You have a choice to be a part of this child's life, or not. You said that she "leaves it up to me how much I want to be involved." Surely she couldn't be fairer on you?
    Look at it from her point of view. Once she's decided to keep the child, she will have NO choice after that.

    Also, you can't really expect her to raise the child on her own. If you decide you just want to be a "weekend dad" or "once a month dad", that's fine, but it's not fair to expect her to not look for another man who will be there more often, as raising a child is very difficult.

    It sounds like you think she's trying to control you or make you submit etc... But isn't it possible that she's feeling very mixed up herself and is just trying to be as open as possible with her feelings, laying all her cards on the table?

    It's a difficult situation, and I feel for you both.
    CaoimhĂ­n likes this.
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I largely agree with Gavney, but at the same time I think it is healthy and important that you express your feelings like you did here. It is quite a shock for you and everything changes now. Most men have this inner conflict of wishing complete (sexual) freedon but at the same time be the dedicated head of a family. It is not so much of what society expects from you, but about what you think is reasonable. You are an intelligent guy with the heart at the right place. I am sure you'll find a right way forward that is good for all in the short and long term.
  4. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I'm not qualified to comment on any of this - just to let you know that I'm still following your journal, even though I'm not posting much these days.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies guys. The sexual situation wasn't helping because it was making J and me drift apart. I want to at least try to raise my child in a decent way with two parents being visibly together and showing mutual affection, which means I want to try to be "together" with J in some way or form. I get along with her but I am not in love with her. I don't feel this infatuation to put a ring in her finger, I don't believe in that stuff.

    With A being gone already, I decided that a sacrifice I am willing to make is to offer my sexual exclusivity, at least until the birth. In the period after that I'll be around a lot, which basically extends that period. And then later on I can see how I feel about it. I do this for the argument of the child's health first and foremost, although it also serves her personal goal of making me commit to her. I did tell J that my tolerance for sexual deprivation games is zero thanks to my previous relationship and TRP stuff in general. I don't like it when a woman starts to use sex as a weapon after the man gave away his exclusivity. If she starts to treat me badly or get bored with me because she now "has me", I'll have to go my own way. But then at least I tried to make it work from my side.

    After that conversation we had plenty of sex and she was happy, although of course the hormones are still all over the place... pregnancy eh
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Completely agree. And I was very hesitant to write my last post for that reason. However, I think a bit of honest input is good from people here.
    Thebeg likes this.
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    That's all good to hear man. This is a situation you didn't plan for and haven't experienced before, so you don't know exactly how you'll feel until the baby is born. Sounds like you had an honest conversation which is the best thing you can do at the moment. Take it one day at a time and best wishes!
    Thebeg likes this.
  8. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    What's the latest with you, @Thebeg?
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey @Londoner. Just got the results of some bloodtests of J in. Everything looks fine and healthy. One one hand this is great news, as I want a healthy child if I were to have one anyway. But at the same time this also makes it more real, which also is strange and in a way frightening. I have no idea what my life will be like next year, and most likely it will never be the same as it was.

    I've been slacking quite hard during the Holidays. A lot of gaming and also a lot of relapses which stem from the realization that there will be no sexual variation (i.e. different women) for the time being. Also bad food, but my mood is still decent considering the circumstances.
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Good to hear that everything looks fine and healthy!
  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Bear in mind you would probably still be frightened if it was a planned pregnancy and you had 100% decided to have it together. I don't know any one who wasn't scared at the prospect of having a child for the first time. You sound like you'll be a good father no matter what arrangement you have.
  12. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I agree, you'll be great as a dad, regardless of what happens between you and mum.
  13. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    What's the latest?
  14. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey Londoner and others. Life is really overwhelming at the moment. I have less and less time as I have more and more stuff demanding my time and attention. The most prevalent are the preparations for Kilimanjaro, of course the pregnancy and work which is very busy as well.

    Kili preparations are quite ok. After a hiking training with some guys in Switzerland my knees were destroyed. Been working hard on them since then and they feel better. Lots of breathing exercises (high altitude simulation). Yesterday I did a hike downtown to my friend who became a dad this Monday. Great to see him with his boy. Then hiked back. Felt good. Hopefully I am able to make it to the top of the mountain. It's by far my most expensive trip yet. A well prepared Kili trip easily costs over 5k I've learned.

    Things with J are going ok. I still feel very anxious and sort of trapped in the situation, especially when I read about the stuff how men get screwed over on the MGTOW reddit. We both had our birthdays and I spent a lot of time and energy in organizing my own birthday which I tend to hate, but it was a good way for J to meet a lot of my friends. I couldn't really catch up with any of them as I was too busy hosting. Most brought their kids too. J's birthday was special for her, as her mother made a surprise visit from the US. Also took a lot of time to plan the whole thing, but good to see her happy and she shouldn't feel stressed.

    The pregnancy is fine, and this weekend we'll have a little gender reveal party with some family. Keep you guys posted on this.

    Sex-wise, here are some statistics: So my O from Masturbation/Sex was 79/170 in 2018, compared to 108/60 in 2017 (started logging in feb 2017). So 2018 was a great improvement. Unfortunately, that has reversed so far as my sexual situation is completely different now, since things with J are exclusive. Right now it's at 14/5, the overall trend is clear. Little sex and thus more M, honestly pretty much as I expected.

    I consider it a sacrifice for my kid. And to be frank, right now with all the stress going on my libido is pretty low anyway. So I don't care too much about it. I still enjoy the memories of the crazy sexual adventures of last year. And I also remember that at a point I wasn't too sure where my life was heading, if I would ever have offspring. At least that question is answered now.

    Hope you all are doing fine.
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2019
    Londoner and cjm like this.
  15. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    So I'm getting a son! Feels like an enormous thing, but at the same time I'm happy to share all my knowledge in the world.

    The last few days were stressful with J having all kinds of emotional outbursts, her mother visiting and of course her 3 kids. I'm trying my best to take as much burden off her as I can without compromising too much of myself. Doing some work on her house, move stuff, etc. It does feel very uneven, because I ask for literally nothing and don't need anything from her, yet I "come in handy" for a 1000 different things in her life. So I'm fully in the position of giving, so I'll just go ahead and consider it that.

    These are the last two weeks before I'm climbing Kilimanjaro. Very exciting but also scared. I really want to make it to the top but it's such a crazy undertaking and with my knee injury I'm definitely behind on training. Making the best of my time and preparing mostly mentally.
  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Wow! Happy and excited for you man!
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. However, the situation does not really allow for much bliss at it seems to be growing more and more complex and worrisome by the day.

    J is trying to pressure me to become the head of her household after the baby is born. She wants me to help with all the housework and be present as a "complete family", that's her view of a partnership. But she seems to forget that she already has three children and for me that's not going to work. I have my own life here, and I need my own space. I was never interested in taking care of a single mom with three kids and no income (aside from her ex's alimony).

    The latest development is that she doesn't want to finalize the divorce until she has found a cheaper place to rent. As she makes no money herself, she is afraid that corporations will not let her rent a house with no proof of income. But, if the baby is born while she is still married, her still-husband will automatically become the legal father and will carry their last name. Basically my child becomes his and I'm a nobody, with no rights and no responsibilities. To change the birth certificate and last name at a later moment will have to go through court with a lawyer, all of which will be made more complex because he lives in the US. It'll easily cost thousands of euro's or maybe more. Who has to pay those costs? Do I have to pay for the mess she made of her life? That doesn't sound right to me. My life is in order, I have no liabilities and I'm not interested in paying the bill of someone else's previous life choices. I'll go to a lawyer office for some legal advice soon.

    My parents are having a tough time with it all. They were happy that I'm getting a son, as that means the family name will live on, which is a big thing for them. But for now that seems unlikely.

    Then there's also this other literal mountain: the Kilimanjaro. In exactly a week I'm going there. I've picked up training and had a good session yesterday. I spent around 3,5 hours hiking 15km, including going up and down a 13 story building and 20 minutes on a treadmill in the gym with 15 degree slope. No pain so that's good and gives me confidence. Also doing lots of breath holding exercises to prepare my body for the air on the mountain.

    Regarding sex, my libido is low overall with all the stress. I try not to relapse but sex with J is also not common, especially when we get in arguments and she's pregnant of course. And with all the things going on it also makes me feel like wanting to distance myself.
    Londoner and cjm like this.
  19. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Good luck at Kilimanjaro!
  20. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks Londoner! Right now I'm packing my stuff and will be getting a few hours of sleep before I have to go the airport. I've been busy for pretty much 17 hours straight to get everything ready.

    I'll let you guys know how things went!

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