The last few days felt really weird emotionally. Like I was in some weird desolate place after something terrible happened. My emotions were deadened after Monday. To me it felt like things are over, as we had made an attempt of doing the procedure ourselves. But the herbal stuff didn't do anything. Yesterday I got another pregnancy test and it said 3+ weeks pregnant. So much has happened in a week time. I had the shock of potentially being a father, spending time with her kids to feel what that's like, decide it's better not to keep it and try to do a procedure ourselves. With the 'newness' gone, I feel a bit more like my 'old self' and right now, it feels a bit easier to get my head to the option of going to a clinic and have an abortion, but J leans towards keeping it. So that puts us at two different spots. I guess it's part of the whole process of finding a decision that puts us on the same spot. It's very difficult though, as our situation is unique and there aren't stories that relate to ours. After all the heavy stuff having happened I thought it would be good to have some time 'off' to recharge and spend time together in a more uplifting way, so I spend the last two days at her house with the kids. Although we kept discussing, we didn't want to pressure ourselves to make a final decision hastily. Also, for me it's good to get a grasp of what her daily life with her kids is like. If we end up having a baby I want to be there for my kid. I'm at my own house now and it feels a bit weird to be here. At the same time one of my best buddies advised me to take time for myself to reflect and let things find their place in my mind. Even after a week it still feels unreal. One moment I'm writing stories about the dates I'm having, the next moment I'm potentially having a kid. Life is crazy.