Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The last few days felt really weird emotionally. Like I was in some weird desolate place after something terrible happened. My emotions were deadened after Monday. To me it felt like things are over, as we had made an attempt of doing the procedure ourselves. But the herbal stuff didn't do anything. Yesterday I got another pregnancy test and it said 3+ weeks pregnant.

    So much has happened in a week time. I had the shock of potentially being a father, spending time with her kids to feel what that's like, decide it's better not to keep it and try to do a procedure ourselves. With the 'newness' gone, I feel a bit more like my 'old self' and right now, it feels a bit easier to get my head to the option of going to a clinic and have an abortion, but J leans towards keeping it. So that puts us at two different spots. I guess it's part of the whole process of finding a decision that puts us on the same spot. It's very difficult though, as our situation is unique and there aren't stories that relate to ours.

    After all the heavy stuff having happened I thought it would be good to have some time 'off' to recharge and spend time together in a more uplifting way, so I spend the last two days at her house with the kids. Although we kept discussing, we didn't want to pressure ourselves to make a final decision hastily. Also, for me it's good to get a grasp of what her daily life with her kids is like. If we end up having a baby I want to be there for my kid.

    I'm at my own house now and it feels a bit weird to be here. At the same time one of my best buddies advised me to take time for myself to reflect and let things find their place in my mind.

    Even after a week it still feels unreal. One moment I'm writing stories about the dates I'm having, the next moment I'm potentially having a kid. Life is crazy.
    cjm likes this.
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    However this story pans out in your life, I think you’d make a pretty incredible dad.

    How are you doing today?
  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I spent the weekend at my house. Being away from J and just doing my thing makes it feel so unreal and far away, yet I think about her being pregnant of me pretty much all the time. It is especially strange that her emotions will determine what the rest of my life will look like. It's the biggest decision of my life and J is in charge of making it. I hope that this will not cause resentment on my part at some point in time.

    I don't want to lose the life I was living. I was so happy and content, especially when it comes to women and sex. Yesterday A reached out to me, asking if I was still alive. When she reaches out she wants to hang out and have sex, and I feel the same. She's sexy and good company. But now what, do I tell her? Should I just hang out with her and tell her later when things are more set? She'll probably wants to know about our plans to celebrate NYE in London, which at this moment doesn't feel like an option.

    On a positive note, yesterday I had a surge of productivity. I did a big chunk of planning for a project, it was amazing. Hopefully I can keep this momentum up.
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    I was thinking similarly, after your last post which suggested she was starting to lean towards keeping the child. If that's the case their is only so much you can do i guess. Keep us posted - hope it works out ok whatever happens
  5. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    The three of us should definitely meet up again if you're in London for NYE.
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I felt miserable. Now I fully understand those stories about guys feeling completely powerless in the decision making process of an unwanted pregnancy. I am literally subjected to the female emotion when it comes to the biggest decision in my life. It makes me feel like I'm a sperm donor and dad figure and have no say in any of this. I never believed in broken family situations, and now I'm in one even before the birth. It basically forces me into a 'relationship' with J, which also doesn't feel like that's the way it's supposed to go.

    I also understand why men eventually decide they don't want to take part in any of it and just disappear. Because they don't want to be part of a situation they are forced in. Although I don't feel like doing that, I understand it. There will be more decisions to be made, and J apparently is an anti-vaccine person. Being a guy the comes from science, logic and reason, I don't believe the conspiracies about vaccinations. If this also would turn into a decision making process where I have no say because she also didn't vaccinate her other children, I may start to question what my role will be. I don't want to be some sort of puppet dad because I happen to be good and fun with kids.

    Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

    On the upside, I'm more busy with work and it feels good to take care of stuff. Also hitting the gym a lot.
    cjm likes this.
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    how are things between you and J?
  8. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    And now I'm starting to understand it through your perspective. :(

    :eek: I don't know what to say to that - tell her it's playing with fire!
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I keep sleeping very poorly. J is overall happy with her choice and leaves it up to me how much I want to be involved.

    Emotions alternate. At some moments I don't want to do anything with it because it was her choice, other times I can't imagine not being there for my child.
  10. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    So she has decided for sure? What about that abortion with herbs you conducted?
  11. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    That didn't do anything as far as we know. The dosage should have been way higher, like every two hours for two days, before it would result in a miscarriage.

    I've done a lot of thinking and feeling, and the idea of not wanting to have anything to do with it doesn't feel right. I want to play a role in my child's life, and the next step would be to figure out how exactly. I don't want to be forced into a relationship, so I'm not going to live in her house or anything. But I can visit multiple times a week for example. It's still a long time, J should be due early July. We made an appointment for the first echo next week on Friday. Hopefully seeing something tangible will also make things more real to me. Until now it has been completely abstract.

    Meanwhile I'm also thinking how I should give the life a place that I have been living this year. Being forced into a monogamy doesn't feel like that's going to make me happy.
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Come on man, this is going to be your child. You have a chance now to step up as a father. Having a child is the most important and life-changing thing that can happen to you. You can never go back in time to redo such important things. Why not give it a try with this woman. If in the end a monogomous relation doesnt work for you, then find another way, but in the end it is all trivial. You can make this work.

    It is up to you to have power in this relationship. Ofcourse you want to vaccinate. You can start now already planting the seeds to convince her. And otherwise you just take your kid to the vaccination, because it is your kid and its a decision that can save its life.

    If you choose to be there full- or part time for your child, then at least make sure to officially claim fatherhood. Only in that way you have something to say about your child and rights in case the relationship doesnt work.

    Anyway, I wish you a lot of strength.
  13. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I've started my preparations for the Kilimanjaro climb early March. Yesterday I did my first WHM (Wim Hof Method) breathing exercise since my expedition to Poland, and I was able to tap into the primal force I felt during my iceman training last year. It is also the force of life, and made me realize that if I will be having a child I will be there for it in some way or form. How to make everything work in a practical sense is a thing to work out in the coming months.

    @Gilgamesh thanks. Most if not all of your thoughts have ran through my head as well. It's the enormous complexity of the whole situation that forced me to take all perspective, including the unorthodox ones. Her ex, who still lives in the US and may move to the Netherlands for his kids, is pushing her hard to "kill it". This whole thing touches so many people. I'm sure he fears for the complicated situation, that a child from me will pull her away from him. I do understand his point of view, I've had similar thoughts about him when it comes to my child. We're all in a very messy situation.

    Next week on friday will be the very first echo. Things will undoubtedly change then again, as it will be my first time to actually experience something of my child.
    Gilgamesh and cjm like this.
  14. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The echo was pretty much what I had been thinking about already. It's very intriguing to see the heart beating, I even made a selfie with my unborn child on the monitor :) J's ex has calmed down, which is a relief for her. He needed to process the whole thing too, as I expected.

    I'm mostly concerned about telling my parents. They will be in shock, although it's likely that eventually they'll like it too. To ease them into it I will be sending a couple of pictures of me and J doing things, when she comes over this weekend. So they know at least a little bit about her. Also a picture with her kids present in a few weeks. Just to let them see I'm doing a bit of fatherly stuff. Knowing my mom, that already will make her think about me being a good father figure and stuff.

    As far as sex goes, I've had a couple of PMO's lately. Nothing much although yesterday I felt pretty low after two relapses the day before. Luckily I'm at the point that I recognize this and today I'm feeling better. Also busy with work and stuff, my food quality is lower (lots of pizza). Since the pregnancy I've seen one of the other women, who came to my place. It felt a bit weird, I'm not sure if that's some preprogrammed conscience thing at play here. I'm also a bit reserved to meet up with A, although I do want to share my situation with her eventually.
    cjm and Gilgamesh like this.
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    You're going to be a great father, I'm sure.
    Thebeg likes this.
  16. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling fucked up the last few days. What basically happened is that J realized that me having sex with other women could harm the baby through STD transmission of some sort, so that was her reasoning to have me chose either for exclusivity with her, or no sex with her at all and figure out how we would relate to each other and raise the child. This last option would also leave her sexless during the whole pregnancy, which also puts me in this sort of guilt-trip position. I felt very bad when she texted me her thoughts, because I knew this would mean a new chapter in our dealings, a chapter that once opened cannot be returned from.

    Because for her, there's a clear goal here: making me commit to her fully. But for me, that would mean I give up the life I've been building the last year. I've been feeling very happy with my life this year. Then the pregnancy happened. Now someone is pregnant of me and wants me to throw that life away and make me submit to her, or have the situation become more awkward as we probably will be drifting apart and the situation gets less and less ideal for a child to grow up in. She even mentioned that in that case she'll want a man in her life one way or the other. So if it's not me then eventually someone else will take that role. Terrible stuff to hear when my child isn't even born yet.

    So she brought it as if the whole decision lies with me, and that I basically must decide. I thought that was unfair, because I've always been adamant about not wanting a committed exclusive relationship, and keeping the baby was her choice. Now she finally seems to have found the ultimate leverage in having me commit to her. Last night I was over, as we had an intake appointment this morning at the midwife clinic. Things felt a bit awkward although we did our best to act close and friendly. We did sleep together but no sex. In the morning she wanted me to feel her breasts as they're gotten larger, which led to some foreplay. Once things got too hot for her, she suddenly rushed out of bed, downstairs. I wonder if she did that on purpose.

    Anyway, my life is a shitshow right now and I feel terrible in this position. I feel slightly depressed, very angry, also hateful towards myself because this freedom-wanting part of me once again has no room to exist. Society vomits over that part and shames everyone for it.
  17. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Texted with A about the situation yesterday. She's such a cool girl, she deserved to know why I didn't text her back recently. She was completely understanding. We did end the conversation with the notion that we won't be seeing each other anymore.

    So this is what's happening right now. By feeling guilted, shamed and controlled, my life is slowly being deconstructed. The things I was so happy with earlier this year are disappearing right now, because of the emotional decision of some woman I happened to knock up. I feel depressed, lonely, angry.

    All of this is way outside of the actual topic of this forum. It's about sexual recovery. But I guess because it's part of our complex lives, those stories tend to be written here as well. My libido currently is very low due to all the stress. I've had some PMO here and there, mostly one day a week and then twice that day. No erections or stuff going on.

    Not sure if I should keep writing here. Seems there are more 'new' guys on here lately, who are actually writing about their sexual recovery.

    Anyway, my life right now is not about sexual recovery and enjoying sexuality, but rather having to deal with the drastic consequences that sex can have.
    cjm likes this.
  18. RebornAgain

    RebornAgain Beating my addiction one day at a time.. Staff Member

    The Beg -
    Would love to keep reading your posts on this forum. Big fan of your thread and I for one would love if you kept posting. Good luck my friend. Sounds like a crazy situation you got going on here
  19. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I don't mean to be judgemental, but I think you're being a bit self-centered here. From what I can tell, the pregnancy was accidental? If so, it's nobodys "fault" but you have to accept that it's a risk you take when having casual sex with someone. You could take every precaution but be very unlucky, that's the risk you take.
    You also can't control how a woman will feel once she gets pregnant. She might not have known how she would feel.
    But from what I can tell, she is being very fair with you. You have a choice to be a part of this child's life, or not. You said that she "leaves it up to me how much I want to be involved." Surely she couldn't be fairer on you?
    Look at it from her point of view. Once she's decided to keep the child, she will have NO choice after that.

    Also, you can't really expect her to raise the child on her own. If you decide you just want to be a "weekend dad" or "once a month dad", that's fine, but it's not fair to expect her to not look for another man who will be there more often, as raising a child is very difficult.

    It sounds like you think she's trying to control you or make you submit etc... But isn't it possible that she's feeling very mixed up herself and is just trying to be as open as possible with her feelings, laying all her cards on the table?

    It's a difficult situation, and I feel for you both.
    Caoimhín likes this.
  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I largely agree with Gavney, but at the same time I think it is healthy and important that you express your feelings like you did here. It is quite a shock for you and everything changes now. Most men have this inner conflict of wishing complete (sexual) freedon but at the same time be the dedicated head of a family. It is not so much of what society expects from you, but about what you think is reasonable. You are an intelligent guy with the heart at the right place. I am sure you'll find a right way forward that is good for all in the short and long term.

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