Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    And now I'm starting to understand it through your perspective. :(

    :eek: I don't know what to say to that - tell her it's playing with fire!
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I keep sleeping very poorly. J is overall happy with her choice and leaves it up to me how much I want to be involved.

    Emotions alternate. At some moments I don't want to do anything with it because it was her choice, other times I can't imagine not being there for my child.
  3. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    So she has decided for sure? What about that abortion with herbs you conducted?
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    That didn't do anything as far as we know. The dosage should have been way higher, like every two hours for two days, before it would result in a miscarriage.

    I've done a lot of thinking and feeling, and the idea of not wanting to have anything to do with it doesn't feel right. I want to play a role in my child's life, and the next step would be to figure out how exactly. I don't want to be forced into a relationship, so I'm not going to live in her house or anything. But I can visit multiple times a week for example. It's still a long time, J should be due early July. We made an appointment for the first echo next week on Friday. Hopefully seeing something tangible will also make things more real to me. Until now it has been completely abstract.

    Meanwhile I'm also thinking how I should give the life a place that I have been living this year. Being forced into a monogamy doesn't feel like that's going to make me happy.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Come on man, this is going to be your child. You have a chance now to step up as a father. Having a child is the most important and life-changing thing that can happen to you. You can never go back in time to redo such important things. Why not give it a try with this woman. If in the end a monogomous relation doesnt work for you, then find another way, but in the end it is all trivial. You can make this work.

    It is up to you to have power in this relationship. Ofcourse you want to vaccinate. You can start now already planting the seeds to convince her. And otherwise you just take your kid to the vaccination, because it is your kid and its a decision that can save its life.

    If you choose to be there full- or part time for your child, then at least make sure to officially claim fatherhood. Only in that way you have something to say about your child and rights in case the relationship doesnt work.

    Anyway, I wish you a lot of strength.
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I've started my preparations for the Kilimanjaro climb early March. Yesterday I did my first WHM (Wim Hof Method) breathing exercise since my expedition to Poland, and I was able to tap into the primal force I felt during my iceman training last year. It is also the force of life, and made me realize that if I will be having a child I will be there for it in some way or form. How to make everything work in a practical sense is a thing to work out in the coming months.

    @Gilgamesh thanks. Most if not all of your thoughts have ran through my head as well. It's the enormous complexity of the whole situation that forced me to take all perspective, including the unorthodox ones. Her ex, who still lives in the US and may move to the Netherlands for his kids, is pushing her hard to "kill it". This whole thing touches so many people. I'm sure he fears for the complicated situation, that a child from me will pull her away from him. I do understand his point of view, I've had similar thoughts about him when it comes to my child. We're all in a very messy situation.

    Next week on friday will be the very first echo. Things will undoubtedly change then again, as it will be my first time to actually experience something of my child.
    Gil79 and cjm like this.
  7. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The echo was pretty much what I had been thinking about already. It's very intriguing to see the heart beating, I even made a selfie with my unborn child on the monitor :) J's ex has calmed down, which is a relief for her. He needed to process the whole thing too, as I expected.

    I'm mostly concerned about telling my parents. They will be in shock, although it's likely that eventually they'll like it too. To ease them into it I will be sending a couple of pictures of me and J doing things, when she comes over this weekend. So they know at least a little bit about her. Also a picture with her kids present in a few weeks. Just to let them see I'm doing a bit of fatherly stuff. Knowing my mom, that already will make her think about me being a good father figure and stuff.

    As far as sex goes, I've had a couple of PMO's lately. Nothing much although yesterday I felt pretty low after two relapses the day before. Luckily I'm at the point that I recognize this and today I'm feeling better. Also busy with work and stuff, my food quality is lower (lots of pizza). Since the pregnancy I've seen one of the other women, who came to my place. It felt a bit weird, I'm not sure if that's some preprogrammed conscience thing at play here. I'm also a bit reserved to meet up with A, although I do want to share my situation with her eventually.
    cjm and Gil79 like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You're going to be a great father, I'm sure.
    Thebeg likes this.
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling fucked up the last few days. What basically happened is that J realized that me having sex with other women could harm the baby through STD transmission of some sort, so that was her reasoning to have me chose either for exclusivity with her, or no sex with her at all and figure out how we would relate to each other and raise the child. This last option would also leave her sexless during the whole pregnancy, which also puts me in this sort of guilt-trip position. I felt very bad when she texted me her thoughts, because I knew this would mean a new chapter in our dealings, a chapter that once opened cannot be returned from.

    Because for her, there's a clear goal here: making me commit to her fully. But for me, that would mean I give up the life I've been building the last year. I've been feeling very happy with my life this year. Then the pregnancy happened. Now someone is pregnant of me and wants me to throw that life away and make me submit to her, or have the situation become more awkward as we probably will be drifting apart and the situation gets less and less ideal for a child to grow up in. She even mentioned that in that case she'll want a man in her life one way or the other. So if it's not me then eventually someone else will take that role. Terrible stuff to hear when my child isn't even born yet.

    So she brought it as if the whole decision lies with me, and that I basically must decide. I thought that was unfair, because I've always been adamant about not wanting a committed exclusive relationship, and keeping the baby was her choice. Now she finally seems to have found the ultimate leverage in having me commit to her. Last night I was over, as we had an intake appointment this morning at the midwife clinic. Things felt a bit awkward although we did our best to act close and friendly. We did sleep together but no sex. In the morning she wanted me to feel her breasts as they're gotten larger, which led to some foreplay. Once things got too hot for her, she suddenly rushed out of bed, downstairs. I wonder if she did that on purpose.

    Anyway, my life is a shitshow right now and I feel terrible in this position. I feel slightly depressed, very angry, also hateful towards myself because this freedom-wanting part of me once again has no room to exist. Society vomits over that part and shames everyone for it.
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Texted with A about the situation yesterday. She's such a cool girl, she deserved to know why I didn't text her back recently. She was completely understanding. We did end the conversation with the notion that we won't be seeing each other anymore.

    So this is what's happening right now. By feeling guilted, shamed and controlled, my life is slowly being deconstructed. The things I was so happy with earlier this year are disappearing right now, because of the emotional decision of some woman I happened to knock up. I feel depressed, lonely, angry.

    All of this is way outside of the actual topic of this forum. It's about sexual recovery. But I guess because it's part of our complex lives, those stories tend to be written here as well. My libido currently is very low due to all the stress. I've had some PMO here and there, mostly one day a week and then twice that day. No erections or stuff going on.

    Not sure if I should keep writing here. Seems there are more 'new' guys on here lately, who are actually writing about their sexual recovery.

    Anyway, my life right now is not about sexual recovery and enjoying sexuality, but rather having to deal with the drastic consequences that sex can have.
    cjm likes this.
  11. RebornAgain

    RebornAgain Beating my addiction one day at a time.. Staff Member

    The Beg -
    Would love to keep reading your posts on this forum. Big fan of your thread and I for one would love if you kept posting. Good luck my friend. Sounds like a crazy situation you got going on here
  12. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I don't mean to be judgemental, but I think you're being a bit self-centered here. From what I can tell, the pregnancy was accidental? If so, it's nobodys "fault" but you have to accept that it's a risk you take when having casual sex with someone. You could take every precaution but be very unlucky, that's the risk you take.
    You also can't control how a woman will feel once she gets pregnant. She might not have known how she would feel.
    But from what I can tell, she is being very fair with you. You have a choice to be a part of this child's life, or not. You said that she "leaves it up to me how much I want to be involved." Surely she couldn't be fairer on you?
    Look at it from her point of view. Once she's decided to keep the child, she will have NO choice after that.

    Also, you can't really expect her to raise the child on her own. If you decide you just want to be a "weekend dad" or "once a month dad", that's fine, but it's not fair to expect her to not look for another man who will be there more often, as raising a child is very difficult.

    It sounds like you think she's trying to control you or make you submit etc... But isn't it possible that she's feeling very mixed up herself and is just trying to be as open as possible with her feelings, laying all her cards on the table?

    It's a difficult situation, and I feel for you both.
    Caoimhín likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I largely agree with Gavney, but at the same time I think it is healthy and important that you express your feelings like you did here. It is quite a shock for you and everything changes now. Most men have this inner conflict of wishing complete (sexual) freedon but at the same time be the dedicated head of a family. It is not so much of what society expects from you, but about what you think is reasonable. You are an intelligent guy with the heart at the right place. I am sure you'll find a right way forward that is good for all in the short and long term.
  14. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I'm not qualified to comment on any of this - just to let you know that I'm still following your journal, even though I'm not posting much these days.
  15. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies guys. The sexual situation wasn't helping because it was making J and me drift apart. I want to at least try to raise my child in a decent way with two parents being visibly together and showing mutual affection, which means I want to try to be "together" with J in some way or form. I get along with her but I am not in love with her. I don't feel this infatuation to put a ring in her finger, I don't believe in that stuff.

    With A being gone already, I decided that a sacrifice I am willing to make is to offer my sexual exclusivity, at least until the birth. In the period after that I'll be around a lot, which basically extends that period. And then later on I can see how I feel about it. I do this for the argument of the child's health first and foremost, although it also serves her personal goal of making me commit to her. I did tell J that my tolerance for sexual deprivation games is zero thanks to my previous relationship and TRP stuff in general. I don't like it when a woman starts to use sex as a weapon after the man gave away his exclusivity. If she starts to treat me badly or get bored with me because she now "has me", I'll have to go my own way. But then at least I tried to make it work from my side.

    After that conversation we had plenty of sex and she was happy, although of course the hormones are still all over the place... pregnancy eh
  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Completely agree. And I was very hesitant to write my last post for that reason. However, I think a bit of honest input is good from people here.
    Thebeg likes this.
  17. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    That's all good to hear man. This is a situation you didn't plan for and haven't experienced before, so you don't know exactly how you'll feel until the baby is born. Sounds like you had an honest conversation which is the best thing you can do at the moment. Take it one day at a time and best wishes!
    Thebeg likes this.
  18. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    What's the latest with you, @Thebeg?
  19. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey @Londoner. Just got the results of some bloodtests of J in. Everything looks fine and healthy. One one hand this is great news, as I want a healthy child if I were to have one anyway. But at the same time this also makes it more real, which also is strange and in a way frightening. I have no idea what my life will be like next year, and most likely it will never be the same as it was.

    I've been slacking quite hard during the Holidays. A lot of gaming and also a lot of relapses which stem from the realization that there will be no sexual variation (i.e. different women) for the time being. Also bad food, but my mood is still decent considering the circumstances.
  20. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Good to hear that everything looks fine and healthy!

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