Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Despite the p relapse I did go to the working space and did some work. Everyone was invited for a lunch today and I signed up, thinking it's a good move to mingle a bit with the new faces. That will lower the threshold for me to go to the co working space and it will force me to go there today.

    I had a great workout at the gym, lifting and some cardio afterwards. At home I made a keto dinner. The good thing about keto is that it requires me to make dinner every night. I love the fat loss and the other perks of it.

    A huge event coming up in February will be something with the crew of guys I met in Poland during my winter expedition for the Wim Hof iceman training. One of Wims' records was climbing the Kilimanjaro within 48 hours to prove that his breathing method allows one to prevent Acute Mountain Sickness and death. Normally people need at least 5 days to reach the top so the whole thing is brutal. It's not even for the challenge but mostly to see these awesome guys again. My two friends who I went to Poland with can't come, both due to their kids.
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  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yes, finally I had an excellent working day. I was at the co working space from 10.00 till 18.00. I was productive, felt energized and focused. And the biggest irony? Working wasn't nearly as agonizing as I always think when I'm having trouble getting momentum. As a matter of fact, sitting at home, browsing mindlessly, is such mental anguish compared to actually getting shit done. I guess it's the trickery of the ADD brain.

    As a challenge I not only ate keto, but vegetarian as well (4 october = animals day). Went for a good crossfit workout and to top it off gaming went great. Not to put too much value on the latter, but when I'm exhausted from work gaming tends to become difficult because I'm just too tired. Maybe it's the better sleep overall, maybe the diet, or perhaps the exercise. Probably a combination of all three. For now I'll keep it up.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
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  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Ok story time, grab some popcorn.

    Yesterday I went to a phd celebration party at a bar downtown. Lots of friends were there, so it was great catching up with some of them. It's basically one big group of friends from university time. One of them was a girl I knew who was always attracted to me, but I never did anything with that. She's a sexual type, but also a bit of a drama queen according to the stories. I was always sort of curious what would be possible with her and yesterday I sort of wanted to check it out. People were drinking and dancing and when most people were gone I did some sensual dancing stuff with her. She has a boyfriend, don't know the guy, but she definitely loved the dance and I noticed she was getting turned on by it, she was quite drunk though. Trying to move my hand down on her ass and stuff. I was a bit hesitant since all our friends were standing there and saw us dancing intimately, but I had fun.

    At around 2.00 am the bar closed and we were kicked out. I was standing outside as she came out with a couple of the women talking to her. She was in distress. Apparently the dancing and physical contact triggered something in her. Although she's been living with her bf for a year, the sex is really lousy (once a month), there is no passion, etc. I ended up standing with them and it was a bit weird to hear the women talk about the situation, trying to explain to her that being in a relationship just because she wants to have a kid in the future isn't going to work when the passion isn't there. I was standing there thinking "did I cause all this?". I guess not, I just provided the trigger.

    We moved to a different bar, where the conversation got extremely open about sex. Favorite positions, fetishes, everything. It was very interesting and one of the most fanatical contributors was the wife of another friend. They have an open marriage and she recently got a guy on the side. My friend knows and it actually improved the sex between them, which is kind of funny. We talked about threesomes and she was all enthusiastic about it and my friend of course as well. The girl I danced with chimed in hard, being very experienced sexually. The told she even had foursomes but liked threesomes more, because foursomes tend to be two couples doing their own thing.

    So another friend of mine dropped the questions and asked my friend and his wife if they would like a threesome with the girl I danced with. All three were positive. Now with the amount of alcohol consumed, we were witnessing this unfolding in real-time. It was hilarious and were talking so loudly, other people were a bit awkward by it and left. At that time it was around 4.30 am so we got to our bikes to say goodbye. So there we were with the five of us (the "threesome", me and the other friend). There was this touchy-feely vibe and I tried to lightly test the water and see if the girl I danced with wanted to be kissed by me but gave me the cheek. Then the friend of mine convinced the girls to kiss each other and the three of us looked. It was a funny moment but at the same time the girls were really into it. Stuff was brewing before our eyes. My friend who was about to have his first threesome was very excited.

    Then came the moment of actual departure. The "threesome" was about to go to the house of my friend and his wife and I got ready to hop on my bike and go home. Then suddenly the girl I danced with grabbed my arm and wanted me to join them too. What? I got in a little shock and my mind started racing. I mean that would potentially be a foursome with my best friend and his wife, and this girl who was about to put the nail in her relationship. I've never even had a threesome. I was caught too off guard and all of a sudden I got back into my thinking self, visualizing all sorts of scenario's and it's just... weird or something. I mean, would that include me fucking my friends wife in front of him? Questions. And my dick had been limp the last few days from the relapses, I felt insecure despite having a Cialis and condom on me.

    So while the three of them were all in the mood already, I sort of got thrown back to my old sexually insecure self. Meanwhile the threesome was already driving off on their bikes heading towards their fun times and there was a time window where it would have been reasonable for me to catch up, join the adventure and see what happens. But I was frozen, still standing there with my friend debating what I should do. He noticed my body posture change and get insecure and eventually the timing window passed. It was too late for me to catch up with them. My friend and I walked off in the other direction and I went home.

    Now, sitting here I wonder if I should have gone anyway. I have been overthinking sexual stuff once again when the moment arose. Got anxious and bailed. I didn't feel fully in control and the situation felt so awkward. But not going meant a near-certain threesome for my friend and I didn't want to deny him that.

    For now I'll just own my decision and wait for the stories.

    - update: I just got word from my friend that nothing happened at all. She got emotional about the idea of cheating and they talked about her relationship situation before she went home. Bad luck for my friend but understandable considering the circumstances, he'll get another chance I'm sure.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2018
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man!

    my 2 cents....

    while that could have been fun, a threesome with your best friend and his wife could have been kinda complicated and you may have asked yourself if it was worth it afterwards. don't be too hard on yourself, you've had so much good times with the women recently and surely more to come as well!

    sounds like people are really sexually liberated in NL! Makes the people over here sound kinda conservative. Hope you are good buddy!
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the quick reply. Yes you are right about that. As far as I know, a lot of the higher educated folks start to experiment sexually in their 30s-40s in NL, but last night was a first with these people!

    I think we would have been alright afterwards. My friend and his wife are very open and relaxed.. but yes still awkward, also because it's so new.

    Doing fine though, thanks man. I'll be seeing J tonight so I'll have my fun anyway.
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    - update: I just got word from my friend that nothing happened at all. She got emotional about the idea of cheating and they talked about her relationship situation before she went home. Bad luck for my friend but understandable considering the circumstances, he'll get another chance I'm sure.
  7. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The rest of the weekend was fun and social. Went to J on Saturday, I felt really horny because of the night prior (also because of the alcohol). Getting a decent sleep is always difficult at her place because I have to leave hers at 7 in the morning. I did pass out hard because I was so tired. Yesterday was mostly chilling but I still had sexual energy inside me. After texting with A I concluded I was too tired for another one hour drive. In the evening I went to S (the teachter) as she lives only 20 minutes away. Had fun catching up and some good sex.

    Right now doing some work again, and back into keto.
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  8. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yesterday after the workout I decided to go for a carb backload and got a pizza. It tasted differently. Maybe it's because of all the keto, or they used less salt (which is fine by me). I still had a very dry mouth during the night, woke up multiple times but I managed to get 8 hours of sleep. Sexual energy is rising, which feels good. I also went to the co working space yesterday, happy with that.

    I read something interesting about entrepreneurship and discipline. Suppose I was an employee in my own company. It would mean I often don't show up for work or I'm very late. I would be a terrible employee if I was under contract. Now of course I do show up on time for meetings and lessons etc. But for the office and development work where I'm not meeting with somebody, my motivation is low and I either don't go to work at all or I go much later then originally intended.
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  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Relapsed twice yesterday. No porn used but as always heavy dopamine. Still feeling ok. Overall my day was quite wasted, had enough time to do productive work, yet I only did the lesson at a school that I had planned. No office stuff.
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Things are going pretty great lately. I think the crazy good weather is part of this. It feels like an after-summer but in October.

    Lots of the improvement-basics are in place. I'm working out a lot, trying to go alternating keto/backloading days. Lots of women on my schedule. Work is picking up, I'm getting momentum back again. I'm feeling happy.

    I should do some more analysis about my streaks as I feel my streaks overall are a bit longer, averaging between 5 and 14 days and then a one-day relapse with 1 or 2 O's. It feels manageable and the only thing that still hints at porn damage is the Cialis use.

    And as @cjm recently said, this blog has turned into something much bigger than just recording reboot progression. Is has become a sort of diary that I share with a couple of other guys. So if you read this, thanks for being around :)
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2018
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  11. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thinking back of the last half year there has been one thing on my mind that seems "far away" in my life. It's a good career with long-term earning potential. I'm very happy that I have fun work, and when I'm really busy it's making ok money. Enough to live from and some to spare to invest. But reading on the MGTOW reddit for example, I see a lot of successful guys who went the corporate way and ended up making six figures. I guess that US income, which comparably is 1.5-2x a typical income in the Netherlands. It seems so far off my path, the money that is. But a friend of mine is making that money, being self-employed. The ADD traits that I have are in the way, as I need the dopamine fixes on a day to day basis it seems. So making 8 hour workdays during the week for months on end is already a hard to achieve thing for me. I seem to lack the self-discipline required to do that. It seems like I'm not having the amount of working success I could potentially be making.
    That said, I'm very aware of the things that are going for me right now. As far as women and sex go, absolutely no shortage there. There's still the desire to get with sexier (and maybe younger) women, but as far as the TRP doctrine goes, that's a matter of improving my sex-appeal. I love going to the gym and I'm making results. Meanwhile I have my sexual needs met, and with one relapse a week I'm in a pretty ok state. The Cialis makes my dick work my a superhero, I wonder if it would be possible to completely ditch the stuff eventually. @cjm, I now understand why you were hesitant to stop using it when you were seeing A.
    I've also been reading a lot on MGTOW, and this also seems to bring things in perspective. I'm very happy to live my life on my terms. I don't think I'd want it any other way.
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  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    For a while I had been having this fun idea of having a first date in a sauna. It would be awkward, but also fun and exciting thing to do. This Tuesday it finally happened, with an older woman on Tinder who was up for it. Although it was a bit awkward at first, I felt confident as I'm usually the most in shape guy walking around in a sauna. I still had some Cialis in my system as A visited me in the weekend, so it was a bit of a challenge not to get an erection, and I managed :) Eventually we talked about the tension and she felt it too, things were getting heated up. We had little possibility to get sexual in the sauna so I suggested going to her place and she was down with that, we had a good round of sex. Perhaps the funniest part was when her daughter got back from her ex husband, I had to sneak out of her apartment and pretend to be some dude walking by. I like these adventures :)

    Overall the week is quite slow. No lessons as it's a vacation week and overall I'm too lame to do much. It's just hard to be hard working when there's no deadline.
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  13. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Some stressful stuff going on currently. J texted me she wants to see me because she wants more (a relationship) and the current arrangement no longer suffices. She added that her period is late. I hate pregnancy scares, and let's hope it's just that. I visited her wednesday and when I left in the morning I did notice her stomach was a bit bloated, but that says little, could very well be her period on its way. She did this once before, got all freaked out and then she got her period after all. Still though, it's stressful.
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2018
  14. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I pulled up my sheet and had two dates recorded when J was on her period. I extrapolated the dates and calculated that her estimation for having her period was too early. It should be somewhere around now. Although I feel fairly sure it's just a scare, it still stresses me out a bit (she literally texted me that she wants me to feel this). This situation may lead to breaking contact with her as the best course of action.
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2018
  15. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Still feeling a bit stressed about the situation. I just send J a text asking how things are, she left the message on read so I'll just wait. If anything, it's best not to get overly stressed and emotional about it. Pregnancy scares are often used as a power play, I've witnessed this earlier this year.

    BTW I edited out the part about my friend (who may be getting a divorce) in the previous two posts. I'm not even sure if anyone had read it, but right now his situation is changing a lot.
  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hey man I've been reading

    Sounds stressful. Is she insists on a relationship will you cut her loose?

    Wondering why does she not get a pregnancy tester from the chemist?

    When i lived with ex i got a bulk order of medical grade testing strips of eBay - same ones used by the health service over here. Much cheaper than the ones available in shops. No marketing, packaging etc

    Good luck
  17. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yeah I actually think about cutting her loose the moment it's clear she's on her period. She just replied about her sons birthday and that he got an RC car. Nothing about her late period or something. That kind of hints that the late period thing isn't really happening.

    She's all about natural stuff, she even on a herb-based birth control. Yes I know I've been terribly stupid for hoping that this stuff actually works. Weak frame on my part, so I definitely have stuff to learn from this.

    However, I have the feeling that this late period thing was just meant to trigger an emotional/scared reaction from me. Women do this stuff to test how the guy responds, or to get back at them. I think she's somewhat frustrated that I'm out of reach and lately I have been texting her less. Compared to the other women I've seen she's by far the one who needs the most attention and wants a relationship, although she does enjoy the moments we share together.

    I hinted a couple of times that she's in love with me but she always denies that firmly, but her actions speak for her. You know, she's a cool enthusiastic girl and under different circumstances (no kids, living closer, me wanting a monogamous relationship) I could definitely catch feelings for her. But for now I assess the situation with a strong redpilled lens.
  18. Living

    Living Active Member

    Ah man, sorry to hear that. I can image that getting one of your flings pregnant is not what you want at all.
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    But you can get one of those strips from the chemist she pees on it and then you have the definite awnser! I used the pull out method for years without any pregnancy with my ex - imo very effective as long as you have good control :)
  20. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I feel you Thebeg. Once had a girl who even went as far as as sending me a fake ultra sound pic obtained from Dr. Google to scare me even more / take revenge / control me emotionally / whatever after I was clear I don't want to get into a relationship with her.
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2018

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