Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Incredible motivation with diet, exercise and meditation. My experience with dieting and anything of this sort, is not to be too strict. I've gone on perfect diets for three weeks and then downed a chocolate cake. When there is a little ease to it, it lasts. The same with exercise. But it is good to add bursts of energy and new ways, to add variety and keep it all interesting. Keep up the good work.
    Thebeg likes this.
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks STC. Yesterday was though with the small amount of food I can eat, but I managed and had a workout at the gym. I didn't seem to have gotten further into ketosis though.

    Work motivation is still zero. This morning I skipped meditation. This week I've been thinking why it's so hard to get started with stuff. I thought of something external.

    The biggest point is the co working space. I don't like going there right now. Things have shifted around the last two years. The original room was awesome, awesome people. Couple of desks and we were there with 6 to 8 people. It was friendly and the place was sort of cozy. Then we had to make place because the room was supposed to be used for a big project. We settled at the end of the corridor. No own room but it was ok. Still cozy, good place to work.

    Then everything was moved to the big room downstairs. It's spacious and mostly concrete, tiny rooms so mostly artificial lighting. More people there, people I don't know, the whole thing lost its coziness. I don't like it. I'm not sure if I'm bitching but I notice that the atmosphere of the space I'm in is important to work on stuff I'm not directly motivated for. There is no immediate fix for this though.

    And the worst part? The big project was a huge failure. So now the original room has been turned into a meeting room that is rarely used.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2018
    cjm likes this.
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    maybe the diet is contributing to low motivation? low carbs diets can be energy sapping, especially while your body adjusts i have found, but the idea is AFAIK once you adapt things get better again. Yeh defo come and visit, me and @Londoner and james were talking about coming to visit you in NL too last night
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    @cjm you guys are more than welcome to visit and crash at my place!

    About the motivational problem, it's not due to the keto diet. It has always been there, since childhood. Basically since the introduction of homework (stuff I had to do). Everything not in my immediate interest gets pushed back till it can't be pushed back further.

    For example, today I had to do an opening act for a school that had a special theme day about technology and robots. I waited till it was almost midnight before getting started. It's ridiculous. But I pulled through and managed to get the whole thing prepared in two hours. Got five hours of sleep and went to the school. It went terrific, the kids were amazed with all the dancing and I did two workshops. So it was a big success although my personal success would have been if I had the whole thing done during regular working times.

    I made it through the second week with no relapse. Feeling quite confident emotionally, tonight I'll see J.
    Londoner likes this.
  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    yeah i can relate, that sounds like a familiar story to me. recently my self dicipline has been great with music, but then again thats something i want to do...

    perhaps try this:

  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that cjm, I'm going to read and listen it tomorrow when the new week starts.

    Went to J Friday for our usual good times. It's so awesome that I introduced her to getting off to the same things I do, it creates for awesome sex. We always feel like there wasn't enough time to get bored, which I guess is a good thing.

    Last night I went out with friends. One of them wants to get more social with women so I took him to a party in a nearby city. It took him a bit to get into it but I gave him some exercises which also forced me to get active. It even got to the point where he challenged me for some breakdancing so we had a little battle at the party and the people were cheering us on. It was fun and those displays tend to provide a great boost in status at the venue. My personal challenge that night was to talk to the hottest woman in the venue. There was on girl that was like, super-duper hot IMO. The type that makes it hard for me to think straight. I tend to block myself mentally when I see a woman of that kind of hotness. So it took me some time to build up, but as we were dancing and having fun they came closer to us on the dancefloor and after talking to my buddy we went in. I took her for a dance and chat while my friend started talking to her friend. Nice to do some wingman stuff. I kind of messed it up by reminding them to check out another party and they left within two minutes. But I guess the attraction was too low. But it was fine, just talking to her was my big win.

    We had some more fun interactions but didn't really bother to pursue stuff too hard, which is a side effect of abundance. Funny thing is that an older woman I hung out with for a while in 2016 was at the party too. She was still very interested in me and kept an eye on me while I was dancing and talking with various women, although she is living with some guy for six months now.

    My mood is good the last few days. Keto went well and this weekend I'm eating carbs like crazy. Tomorrow I'll start the keto thing again, I want to experiment some more with it.
  7. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Went to see A yesterday. We had sex twice, quite animalistic stuff so good. I've decided that celebrating NYE in London is an awesome idea, so that will be happening. Not sure if there will be an opportunity to hang out with you guys cjm and Londoner, I may drop by in 2019 again. London is an awesome city and so are you guys.

    This weekend I've been eating carbs like a madman. So today I'll try a fast and not eat. I've never done that before. Unluckily I seem to be catching a cold (sore throat) but I'll go ahead anyway.
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  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Great to plan for NYE ahead, the anticipation is a great motivator. Here in the United States, I've always wanted to go to Santa Fe, New Mexico.

    Thebeg likes this.
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The fasting went great. My mind was clouded from time to time but I was able to pull through with water, some tea and one cup of coffee. I went to the gym in the evening and had an intense workout in order to keep the adrenalin levels up for performance. I was slightly weaker than normal but it was still awesome. More and more friends are training there now, that's nice too. Body is tightening up fast. Meanwhile I experience little sexual urges when I'm not in a sexually charged situation, it feels quite natural and calm.

    Oh and I went to the co working space yesterday morning, finally. Got some quality work in and right now I feel some momentum from that. Today I'll do doing some breakdancing workshops and hopefully I'll have some energy left to do more work afterwards.
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Ironically I relapsed the day after writing about no sexual urges. I was getting horny but I'm not at the point where I just try to get a girl to come over for sex only. And most of the women I see regularly live an hours' drive away. -update: just relapsed to some p-

    Since the summer vacation my sleep has improved a lot. I went from sleeping an average of 6.5 hours a night to 7.5 hours. Last night I slept 8 hours in total. It's awesome but also necessary, since I'm very busy with my body with all the training at the gym, the dancing and the diet.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2018
  11. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Despite the p relapse I did go to the working space and did some work. Everyone was invited for a lunch today and I signed up, thinking it's a good move to mingle a bit with the new faces. That will lower the threshold for me to go to the co working space and it will force me to go there today.

    I had a great workout at the gym, lifting and some cardio afterwards. At home I made a keto dinner. The good thing about keto is that it requires me to make dinner every night. I love the fat loss and the other perks of it.

    A huge event coming up in February will be something with the crew of guys I met in Poland during my winter expedition for the Wim Hof iceman training. One of Wims' records was climbing the Kilimanjaro within 48 hours to prove that his breathing method allows one to prevent Acute Mountain Sickness and death. Normally people need at least 5 days to reach the top so the whole thing is brutal. It's not even for the challenge but mostly to see these awesome guys again. My two friends who I went to Poland with can't come, both due to their kids.
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  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yes, finally I had an excellent working day. I was at the co working space from 10.00 till 18.00. I was productive, felt energized and focused. And the biggest irony? Working wasn't nearly as agonizing as I always think when I'm having trouble getting momentum. As a matter of fact, sitting at home, browsing mindlessly, is such mental anguish compared to actually getting shit done. I guess it's the trickery of the ADD brain.

    As a challenge I not only ate keto, but vegetarian as well (4 october = animals day). Went for a good crossfit workout and to top it off gaming went great. Not to put too much value on the latter, but when I'm exhausted from work gaming tends to become difficult because I'm just too tired. Maybe it's the better sleep overall, maybe the diet, or perhaps the exercise. Probably a combination of all three. For now I'll keep it up.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
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  13. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Ok story time, grab some popcorn.

    Yesterday I went to a phd celebration party at a bar downtown. Lots of friends were there, so it was great catching up with some of them. It's basically one big group of friends from university time. One of them was a girl I knew who was always attracted to me, but I never did anything with that. She's a sexual type, but also a bit of a drama queen according to the stories. I was always sort of curious what would be possible with her and yesterday I sort of wanted to check it out. People were drinking and dancing and when most people were gone I did some sensual dancing stuff with her. She has a boyfriend, don't know the guy, but she definitely loved the dance and I noticed she was getting turned on by it, she was quite drunk though. Trying to move my hand down on her ass and stuff. I was a bit hesitant since all our friends were standing there and saw us dancing intimately, but I had fun.

    At around 2.00 am the bar closed and we were kicked out. I was standing outside as she came out with a couple of the women talking to her. She was in distress. Apparently the dancing and physical contact triggered something in her. Although she's been living with her bf for a year, the sex is really lousy (once a month), there is no passion, etc. I ended up standing with them and it was a bit weird to hear the women talk about the situation, trying to explain to her that being in a relationship just because she wants to have a kid in the future isn't going to work when the passion isn't there. I was standing there thinking "did I cause all this?". I guess not, I just provided the trigger.

    We moved to a different bar, where the conversation got extremely open about sex. Favorite positions, fetishes, everything. It was very interesting and one of the most fanatical contributors was the wife of another friend. They have an open marriage and she recently got a guy on the side. My friend knows and it actually improved the sex between them, which is kind of funny. We talked about threesomes and she was all enthusiastic about it and my friend of course as well. The girl I danced with chimed in hard, being very experienced sexually. The told she even had foursomes but liked threesomes more, because foursomes tend to be two couples doing their own thing.

    So another friend of mine dropped the questions and asked my friend and his wife if they would like a threesome with the girl I danced with. All three were positive. Now with the amount of alcohol consumed, we were witnessing this unfolding in real-time. It was hilarious and were talking so loudly, other people were a bit awkward by it and left. At that time it was around 4.30 am so we got to our bikes to say goodbye. So there we were with the five of us (the "threesome", me and the other friend). There was this touchy-feely vibe and I tried to lightly test the water and see if the girl I danced with wanted to be kissed by me but gave me the cheek. Then the friend of mine convinced the girls to kiss each other and the three of us looked. It was a funny moment but at the same time the girls were really into it. Stuff was brewing before our eyes. My friend who was about to have his first threesome was very excited.

    Then came the moment of actual departure. The "threesome" was about to go to the house of my friend and his wife and I got ready to hop on my bike and go home. Then suddenly the girl I danced with grabbed my arm and wanted me to join them too. What? I got in a little shock and my mind started racing. I mean that would potentially be a foursome with my best friend and his wife, and this girl who was about to put the nail in her relationship. I've never even had a threesome. I was caught too off guard and all of a sudden I got back into my thinking self, visualizing all sorts of scenario's and it's just... weird or something. I mean, would that include me fucking my friends wife in front of him? Questions. And my dick had been limp the last few days from the relapses, I felt insecure despite having a Cialis and condom on me.

    So while the three of them were all in the mood already, I sort of got thrown back to my old sexually insecure self. Meanwhile the threesome was already driving off on their bikes heading towards their fun times and there was a time window where it would have been reasonable for me to catch up, join the adventure and see what happens. But I was frozen, still standing there with my friend debating what I should do. He noticed my body posture change and get insecure and eventually the timing window passed. It was too late for me to catch up with them. My friend and I walked off in the other direction and I went home.

    Now, sitting here I wonder if I should have gone anyway. I have been overthinking sexual stuff once again when the moment arose. Got anxious and bailed. I didn't feel fully in control and the situation felt so awkward. But not going meant a near-certain threesome for my friend and I didn't want to deny him that.

    For now I'll just own my decision and wait for the stories.

    - update: I just got word from my friend that nothing happened at all. She got emotional about the idea of cheating and they talked about her relationship situation before she went home. Bad luck for my friend but understandable considering the circumstances, he'll get another chance I'm sure.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2018
  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man!

    my 2 cents....

    while that could have been fun, a threesome with your best friend and his wife could have been kinda complicated and you may have asked yourself if it was worth it afterwards. don't be too hard on yourself, you've had so much good times with the women recently and surely more to come as well!

    sounds like people are really sexually liberated in NL! Makes the people over here sound kinda conservative. Hope you are good buddy!
  15. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the quick reply. Yes you are right about that. As far as I know, a lot of the higher educated folks start to experiment sexually in their 30s-40s in NL, but last night was a first with these people!

    I think we would have been alright afterwards. My friend and his wife are very open and relaxed.. but yes still awkward, also because it's so new.

    Doing fine though, thanks man. I'll be seeing J tonight so I'll have my fun anyway.
  16. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    - update: I just got word from my friend that nothing happened at all. She got emotional about the idea of cheating and they talked about her relationship situation before she went home. Bad luck for my friend but understandable considering the circumstances, he'll get another chance I'm sure.
  17. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    The rest of the weekend was fun and social. Went to J on Saturday, I felt really horny because of the night prior (also because of the alcohol). Getting a decent sleep is always difficult at her place because I have to leave hers at 7 in the morning. I did pass out hard because I was so tired. Yesterday was mostly chilling but I still had sexual energy inside me. After texting with A I concluded I was too tired for another one hour drive. In the evening I went to S (the teachter) as she lives only 20 minutes away. Had fun catching up and some good sex.

    Right now doing some work again, and back into keto.
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  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yesterday after the workout I decided to go for a carb backload and got a pizza. It tasted differently. Maybe it's because of all the keto, or they used less salt (which is fine by me). I still had a very dry mouth during the night, woke up multiple times but I managed to get 8 hours of sleep. Sexual energy is rising, which feels good. I also went to the co working space yesterday, happy with that.

    I read something interesting about entrepreneurship and discipline. Suppose I was an employee in my own company. It would mean I often don't show up for work or I'm very late. I would be a terrible employee if I was under contract. Now of course I do show up on time for meetings and lessons etc. But for the office and development work where I'm not meeting with somebody, my motivation is low and I either don't go to work at all or I go much later then originally intended.
    cjm likes this.
  19. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Relapsed twice yesterday. No porn used but as always heavy dopamine. Still feeling ok. Overall my day was quite wasted, had enough time to do productive work, yet I only did the lesson at a school that I had planned. No office stuff.
  20. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Things are going pretty great lately. I think the crazy good weather is part of this. It feels like an after-summer but in October.

    Lots of the improvement-basics are in place. I'm working out a lot, trying to go alternating keto/backloading days. Lots of women on my schedule. Work is picking up, I'm getting momentum back again. I'm feeling happy.

    I should do some more analysis about my streaks as I feel my streaks overall are a bit longer, averaging between 5 and 14 days and then a one-day relapse with 1 or 2 O's. It feels manageable and the only thing that still hints at porn damage is the Cialis use.

    And as @cjm recently said, this blog has turned into something much bigger than just recording reboot progression. Is has become a sort of diary that I share with a couple of other guys. So if you read this, thanks for being around :)
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2018
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