Let's heal some more

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thebeg, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Wow, It's been so long ago since I first started rebooting. It's been over 4 years ago. After multiple attempts to heal my porn induced ED, I had a no PMO streak of 118 days (succumbed to M though). I got a gf during that time and considered myself healed. I had no problems with getting hard (though I had a lot of fear the first 2 times we had sex). Sex during the relationship was all right, although not frequent. She had insecurities about her body that made sex a bit "meh" and I couldn't help her with that. We had a relationship for 3.5 years that ended last year, we're still good friends.

    It felt like I had my P consumption under control, using it once every few days or so. There's also this auto-erotic masturbation urge that I carry with me from my puberty days. I think it's a compensation thing for not being able to have sex with girls at that age. So I kind of filled that role myself, getting turned on by myself. This is different from porn masturbation where the focus is someone else but I think it still plays a role in my sexual problems which I'll get to later.

    Around February I hooked up with a woman and we were friends with benefits for some months, and it was the first time I was actually using condoms successfully all the time. Felt like a small achievement! After some time we lost contact, mostly due to the fact that she had fallen in love with me and those feelings were one-sided.

    So far the small recap, now to the actual part:

    This summer I got into a new hobby. Wakeboarding at the local cable park, pretty awesome with great people. There I met a girl who got into it as well. She's the badass type of girl and we got a little "competition" going to learn new tricks faster than the other. It was a lot of fun and she was really challenging me. I was quite impressed by her personality mostly, while she wasn't really my type physically. Porn-wise, I'm attracted to fuller women with big breasts and asses and this girl is the total opposite, being very slim. But there was something really attractive about her. I told myself that nothing should happen between her and me purely because I had told myself that I would only get into bed with the "porn-style" women that would arouse me the most. I'm not meaning "trashy" or anything, just the physical features that I wired myself to.

    But yeah, when attraction happens it happens and I played somewhat hard to get, which got to her competitive side I guess. So after some meetups we ended up in bed. It turned out she was even more bad-ass in bed. Quite the dominant type that prefers being on top and in control. While that idea is great... I got struck by performance-fear so I tried to please her in other ways. So far we've had intercourse a few times, but the quality is below what I would call "good enough". Erections are half and last for a very short while. Usually I'm already flaccid before I manage to enter her. It sucks. This girl enjoys sex so much it's unreal :) One time she did orgasm by penetration, it was a godly experience. I also came that session, although it cost me a lot of effort, with the occasional flaccidness in between.

    Since meeting her, urges to PMO are nonexistent and the situation inspired me to go for some more rewiring again. I want to be the best sexual partner I can be. And it hurts me that my dick isn't working well.

    Oh and to add a little to the story: After some time I started to get some feelings for this girl (oh the irony). She clearly stated that she's not open for a relationship at this point in her life, so I got fuckbuddy-zoned there. But as time moves on, she seems to be opening up a bit more. Things are quite the rollercoaster as all this happened in the course of a few weeks. Who knows what happens, I'll just make sure I'll enjoy the time we spend together.

    But aside from all this, I want to fix myself. With this girl I want to be turned on all the way. I want to feel aroused and hard, able to pleasure her, and myself.

    The plan is this:
    - I have to tell her about my fear of getting hard and having to perform and thus not getting hard and unable to perform. This fear is most prevalent when I'm with a woman with a strong personality. If I want her to open up to me, I have to open up to her as well. It may even fix my ED problem right there. It feels scary since I'll put myself in a really vulnerable position. But if she understands, it may create the feeling of safety that I need to be able to get turned on by her completely.

    - Keep abstaining the PMO, regardless of what happens between me and this girl. Since meeting her I had 1 PMO session which was caused by me feeling like shit because the situation with her. The last years I've experienced the nofap-power and how good it can feel. Right now I'm at the point where I want to choose the natural way of getting aroused and having real sex: by touch, smell, kisses, etc. rather than body parts only. Masturbation by sensation alone is foreign to me, but I guess that's the only logical way to go if I want to stay wired properly.

    - Fight the auto-erotic urges. Those tend to flare up from time to time. Those urges are so strong, I hope it's possible to rewire those to real women. Actually I think it's possible because I remember that feeling of arousal by real women. But that was long ago, before and during puberty, when all those females and hormones were new. At the moment I'm in a safe zone, but I know myself. Especially when I'm emotionally out of balance, the auto-erotic urges creep up and I usually get taken off-guard by them. It's extremely difficulty for me to overcome those. But it seems I have little choice. This sexual life can be so much better.

    Wish me luck guys, I'll keep you posted.

    PS. Bah, such a wall of text. Sorry for that, guess I had to get the story off my chest. If you did read it, I thank you for that!
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Maybe not a bad idea to write down some details about my current point.

    MW is nonexistent at the moment. Even after days of no PMO nothing is happening. Erections are almost completely absent. Other women don't do much for me. I'll call the girl I'm seeing E for practical purposes. Currently E has her mind set on pleasing me after multiple times of me pleasing her. Due to a light injury sex is not possible for her at the moment, but she has tried giving me a handjob from time to time. I get like a 50% erection from that after some jerking. But I can't keep it up and the excitement wanes. It's been over a week since my last orgasm, but there's little tension in that regard. Almost no blue balls. No urge for (P)MO. Seems like I'm a flatline phase.

    Due to all the pleasing and teasing she really wants to feel me inside her and believe me, I REALLY want to be inside her as well. But when she expresses her desires I immediately feel performance anxiety. I still think dropping the bomb and telling her some about my situation is the way to go. I have this feeling that I want to connect emotionally with her so yeah, opening up would be a good step.
  3. mikalima1986

    mikalima1986 New Member

    Good luck, I feel your problem man. When telling her - and I think you should - I think it would be wise to stress that this problem is because you care about her and do not objectify her. That being said, there's not guarantee it won't backfire. I think it mostly depends on if she has insecurities of her own, or how she handles frustration. But there's not much you can do about that.

    Anyways, good luck!
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks mikalima1986.

    I was at her place last night and I waited for a good atmosphere to tell her my ED story. I told her and she reacted understandingly. So far no woman has ever reacted in a weird way, but it still is a damn scary thing to talk about. She said that intimacy can come in different forms and sex is not compulsory. She even went ahead and told a bit about her own sexual scars.

    We ended up in her bed and I was hoping that the conversation would have fixed my ED instantly. That was a bit naïve I guess. Though I did feel a bit more comfortable now that the story was out of the way. I went down on her and while eating her out she started saying incredibly horny stuff that actually turned me on. Two times I got hard in various degrees and tried to penetrate her, but she's quite tight and I got flaccid before I succeeded in entering her. It feels like such a defeat when that happens. But she understood and she really had to get her sleep anyway so it was alright.

    I woke up with some morning wood, haven't had that since meeting her two months ago so I'll take that as a plus.
  5. HuskyEyes

    HuskyEyes New Member

    When did you last watch porn ? How many days since then ?
    Are you having orgasms often with your gf ? How often ?
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I last PMO'ed on 26th of august, so this is day 12. No P, M or O. The only sexual activity is with her.

    We're friends with benefits. Although I developed some feelings for her, she said that she's not looking for a relationship. So the emotional connection isn't as strong and I feel I have to take things very slowly with her. We know each other for about 2 months now.

    I have had a few O's with her, but I think that was before I decided a no-PMO run. Not sure, but it's been over a week at least. The intensity of the O's varied, and I had to work quite hard for it every time. After the last time, I fell more into a flatline. Penetration became impossible, she tried giving me a few handjobs that resulted in about 50% erection and no orgasm.
  7. mikalima1986

    mikalima1986 New Member

    Bummer about the sex, but it's good that she didn't freak out about it. Hate that feeling when you know you cant perform even though you desperately want to... Well, keep on fighting the good fight!
  8. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks man. I suspect it will take some time before any penetration attempt will have more success. I have experienced that women by nature are supportive. And E seems to have experienced guys who are completely selfish in bed so this whole thing may be somewhat refreshing for her too.

    Although we live only 5 minutes apart, I don't think it's a good idea to spend every night together. I decided to sleep at my own place (my bed is way nicer as well :) ). Woke up without morning wood, but while laying in bed I got some random semi-erections.
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Day 14. No morning wood. I believe there was some semi-activity in the middle of the night, but nothing noteworthy.

    Last night I had my first Zen meditation lesson. It was quite different from other meditation techniques I've done so far. I'll be committing myself to daily meditation for the next 5 months, would be awesome if it helps my recovery.

    I went to E after the Zen lesson. She was somewhat distant and irritated. Sometimes I feel some connection with her, usually when she lets her sexual side kick in. It's like a transformation, how she changes into her sexual and dominant side. But now we were simply watching some movie on the couch and going to bed afterwards. At those moments I feel a need to connect, cuddle and caress but stuff like that feels "relationship-ish" and I don't want to press myself. Heck, before meeting I wasn't even up for a relationship and I still doubt if a real relationship is necessary for me. But I just want to connect with her, yeah I know it sounds feminine.

    This thing reminds me of a short relationship in the past that caused me a lot of stress. It was also with a strong-minded woman and we simply didn't connect as we were too different. It hurt like hell because I felt turned down pretty much all the time. And she was making remarks about my ED and her not being able to feel me inside her, I felt like a failure back then.

    My experiences with women have led me to believe that an equal relationship is an impossibility for me. Either the woman falls in love with me and my feelings for her are not strong or it's the other way around and I feel like I can't connect and the woman just goes her own way. There's a disbalance by definition because there always has to be a leader and a follower in a relationship. And the follower falls in love more than the leader.

    I hope to be proven wrong about this one day, but after 35 years of experience my belief is pretty solid unfortunately.
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Mood is a bit down a few hours later. Had 1 AE trigger but was able to mindfully steer away. Not sure if it will come back, I suppose it will. I know myself and how these mood things go. Everything is connected in that respect. Masturbation, eating crap, procrastinating the important stuff, social isolation, etc. In the worst case I'll be in hell for a while.

    I notice I'm hanging out a bit too much on these forums just to distract myself from important stuff.
  11. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Day 15. No morning wood. After waking up my mind wandered a bit and was thinking about sex with E, had a brief 50% erection.

    So yesterday was a pretty bad day. I felt bad and wasn't feeling very productive. But I had some meetings and those took my mind a bit off my bad feelings. Talked to a friend about the situation, we're quite open to each other.

    In the evening I went to my parents house to bbq. My mom immediately sensed I wasn't feeling well and after some hesitation I told her the story about E. I didn't mention the ED part, but we have talked about that in the past when I first found YBOP. It was good to get the E story off my chest and got some tips how to deal with awkward situations when E feels 'distant'. I felt better immediately afterwards.

    In the evening I texted a bit with E. She had been drinking all afternoon at a graduation party and was feeling really horny. I wasn't quite in the same mindset as I had been feeling pretty down that day and we both had to get up early today, so each of us stayed at our own place. When I was gaming at home she even called to chat, which was nice. Those little things mean a lot to me.
  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Sex with O after two weeks

    Day 16. No morning wood but I did have sex with an orgasm with E. Story below. Does this reset the counter?

    Went to E last night to have a drink. We drank a bottle of liquor and things were fun but we were too wasted to do anything sexual. This morning we slowly woke up and I gave her oral while fingering her. She loved it and came really hard. While I absolutely love doing these things, it doesn't immediately turn me on in a horny way. Will that ever happen?

    Afterwards there was a beautiful and intense moment of caressing and intense passionate kissing. That part may have been the best for me, I could "feel" her. Then she wanted to give me some fun and relief as well. I wasn't sure if I was up to it but I followed along. She started jerking me, which felt good and got me semi-hard for a while. The 2 weeks of abstinence did improve my sensitivity. As the atmosphere was moving closer to intercourse, I got flaccid, but with slight fantasizing (in a non-porn, but more "we're doing naughty stuff" kind of way) I was able to get hard enough to enter her. It felt good.

    Erection strength was like 70%. Enough to thrust as long as I kept the pace constant. She loved every second of it and seeing her face of enjoyment as she was lying under me was simply godly. I was able to stay up and slowly increase the pace. The increased sensitivity definitely helped here as there was almost no "back-slide" in excitement. She wanted me to come and I went for it, holy crap that orgasm was intense!

    Feeling exhausted right now due to the drinking and orgasm. Even though erection strength wasn't 100%, it was great sex with E. I really want to experience being 100% hard while entering her and while being inside her. I think we'll both go nuts :) Oh and the anxiousness, it's still present to some degree. Feeling a little pressure in my balls, I'll keep an eye out for possible chasers.

    I will continue the no PMO, with the exception that O during sex is ok. I think this should be my permanent lifestyle habit rather than a temporary "fixing period". Picking up masturbation habits will undo the progress. That I have learned after my first long reboot.
  13. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Just typing it as it just happened. I went out with the wakeboarding group. We met at my house and drank there and then went downtown. Eventually things went wrong. This wakeboarding group... things just go wrong. So at some point we were in town and there was this thing of passing ice cubes around... by kissing. It hurt me to see E do this with one of the guys. It fucking hurt me. After her talking about "not fooling around with others" this struck me hard. One of the girls of the group passed the ice cube to me and it didn't feel right, it's not right for me. When E came to me with an ice cube I refused. E kept her distance with me the whole night even while dancing though she danced close with other guys. She doesn't want to give the impression to the rest of the group that something is going on between us. But it has reached the point that I feel pushed away. It hurts and sucks.

    So I got my jacket and sneaked out. I feel repulsed and hurt. Goddamnit. This fucking hurts. I fell in love and I paid the price. Jezus fuck. I'm the dumbest fool in the history of mankind.. She just texted me "where are you?". I think i'll just go to bed. Tomorrow there's a thing were the wakeboard people will be meeting. It will be hell. Fuck all this.

    No PMO. That's the only thing that counts. But this shit.... she's calling me right now. FUCK. I'm not going to answer.
  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    I can understand why you would feel hurt I would too I personally hate the whole "were together but not properly" thing or just purely for sex, or I don't want other people to know. So I guess you have 3 options- be cool about it. It's probably too late for that. 2 cut her out completely. 3 have an honest chat with her about the situation which might end your relationship bit at least you know where you stand
  15. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies guys!

    After waking up I decided to call my ex girlfriend to talk about the situation. We're very cool with each other and we can talk about relationship stuff. The moment she picked up the phone I started crying. Guess I just had to release some of the emotions. It was good to get the story off my chest. She heard my story and her logical advise was for me to break things off with E just for my own well-being and just see each other at wakeboarding. I guess it's the logical thing to do since the whole situation with E is causing me more pain than happiness, but being in love makes things hard to judge properly.

    My ex also noticed that I'm not really behaving like "me" lately with all the excessive drinking. I'm actually not really that much of a drinker, but it happens to be a thing in this group of people and this summer I've been seeing those people quite often.

    Maybe you're right. I think I was just scared to pick up the phone, I'm not very good at initiating those talks. Then again, she was drunk as well, not sure if that would be the best conversation.

    In previous "friends with benefits" situations I always was ok with it, but then again I never fell in love in those situations. It usually went the other way, with the woman falling in love with me.

    Option 3 sounds the best, even though I'm afraid to have that talk. I have to tell her how I felt last night and I also want to know if the past weeks she developed any feelings for me. Hopefully I can manage myself and not get carried away by emotions.
  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Yeah I agree. It's fine if your not too into them. The previous girl I was seeing before j, about 2 weeks ago I suppose I wasn't botherd as never saw her as a long term option. The problem i hsve with that nowadays is after a couple of weeks i dont see the point anymore. As soon as you do see them as long term material though gets more complicated especially if you really feel like you bond emotionally during sex. That was my problem with j. Good luck to you mate
  17. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks cjw. We just had the talk at her place. She never intended to hurt my feelings but she saw I was suffering. So the decision was clear to break it off. We had a really good conversation and it felt right. Of course this means I'll be facing a tough phase now.

    Crying helps so that's what I'm going to do right now. I'll put on a song that reminds me of her and the tears will come rolling down.

    The song btw is Safia - Make them wheels roll

    Let's do this
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Day 0.

    Had a hefty crying session last night to let some of the emotions out after breaking things off with E. I actually got some bad AE cravings and gave in. Man, the contrast between masturbation and with having sex with a girl while in love is astronomical. I slept really bad this night. Woke up really early and caved in another time. It shows how hard this becomes in times of distress. Not feeling extremely bad about it, probably because the outlook on sex isn't very immediate right now. Mood seems stable, I really should focus on work this week.

    I have to pull myself together and keep this reboot thing going. I want to be the best lover that I can.
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Genuinely sorry to hear this. I know how you feel - you'll be up and running again in no time. It's like my mum says though if it's not going to last then sometimes it's just better for things to end sooner. I guess that way you save yourself from investing more and what could be a more painful breakup. Try and stay positive. God knows it ain't easy sometimes!
  20. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Thanks MrFish and cjw!

    Day 1. No morning wood obviously. The bad feelings of breaking off with E come and go, and work is able to distract me somewhat. Yesterday I talked with quite a lot of people about the situation, which felt good. Spent the evening with my ex gf of 3.5 years. It was great talking and laughing with her about our love lives after we broke up last year. I need to keep people around me, not really wanting to isolate myself.

    Went home and gamed to 2 AM while consuming junkfood leftovers from Saturday. Bad stuff, especially since I posted about healthy food in another thread :) Gotta practice what I preach. I'll donate the energy drinks to some housemates and I have to fix my sleeping schedule.

    Tonight may be tough. Tuesday is a typical wakeboarding evening with most of the locals there and I want to go boarding myself... and E is likely to be present as well. I have no clue if/how I will be able to handle seeing her with things being this recent. My plan is go there early so there's a chance she won't be there yet.

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