Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    I'm resetting the counter at 20 days cos I've been a bit all over the map with my thoughts and have been edging more than once. I'd like to have a clean slate for Feb.

    My productivity has been not bad, but not great either. Still really fighting with myself to get stuck into this crushing workload. I think the best thing I can do will be to plot out the next few days and how to tackle it. I think I'm avoiding it because of the thought of tedious work for days on end.

    I think I need to keep remind myself:
    • Avoiding it makes it much worse.
    • WHY I'm doing it. I value the work because of how it will help my situation and my family, and also because of those satisfying elements in the tasks themselves, mainly how it helps people.
    • To embrace the discomfort. I'll be stronger for it.
    It's not easy, tho
     
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I like this idea. It’s difficult to do when your not actively thinking about it, but I heard someone say that a good way to do this is to think of it as if your outside your body, looking at how you feel. It adds some separation and let’s you analyse the way you feel.
     
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  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Again, so far, so good... been up and down with regard to motivation and productivity, but overall it feels like I'm taking ground right now. Keep up the good fight all. Zero relapsing in Feb, let's go!
     
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Keep going Rudolf!

    A righteous man falls seven times and rises again.
     
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  5. badger

    badger Active Member

    Rudolf,
    for me everyday it's up and down. with everything. work, rest. talk. I believe it is called life. I just hang on when it's down. and try not to accustomed to the up, because I know eventually it will go back down, etc. the natural rhythm of life. at my age I don't take some things to serious anymore. this thorn in my flesh,PORN, I do. hang in there my friend.
     
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  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Today I am focussing on the tasks, maximising my most productive hours in the day (those hours when I'm not tired and can actually feel like getting stuck in), staying positive for the ground I'm taking (I'm hitting a bit of a rhythm that I haven't had for ages in terms of staying productive), and also considering a lifestyle of prayer. We don't sin because we hate God as such, we sin because we forget God in that moment. Praying task by task, hour by hour, quick prayers, will help keep reminding me. I also keep reminding myself that the moment is coming, the urge will hit, and so hopefully I will act out a plan than just react to the urge by caving.
     
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  7. badger

    badger Active Member

    Rudolf,
    you said it. always have a plan when the urge hits. for me I find something I like to do, something that requires physical action. workout, go for walk, do those honey dos I keep putting off. we act 98% out of habit. if you notice anytime someone asks you something with the same theme that has been asked before by them or someone else. unconsciously, without thinking we respond the same way. same words. same feeling. so when I get an urge or craving, I am trying to inroad into my brain wiring this other activity to make it automatic. it has to be something I enjoy doing otherwise I won't do it. anyway that has worked for me so far. hang in there.
     
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  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    @badger Thanks for the great posts and support. Also congrats for 100 days on your counter.
     
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    ...and, there it is. At 7 days on the counter I have had my first real urge to run for the hills rather than face up to stress and life. The urge to escape manifests as an urge to go for PMO, my self-programmed escape route. So here is the choice, am I going to engage with life or try to escape? Escape will mean relief for a moment but I will return to the crushing deadline worse off. The deadlines will still be there and I'll have even less time to do a good job. Escape will also mean choosing to stay where I am, or rather, to fall further and further behind in trying to live a worthy life, instead of getting ahead with improving my situation. This is a no-brainer, let me get stuck in, crush my work and reward myself with a PUBG session and an Irish whiskey this evening. Now you're talking.

    I think I'm going to tell someone in person I'm battling, for accountability, and also keep checking in here when the urges pop up... this seems to be an effective counter to that urge. Another hack that helps is to break tasks down into smaller increments so I feel less resistance to doing the tasks. Ie. it might be hard to compile and send an 18 page report, but it's not hard to open a word document and start writing headings. This helps to get the ball rolling.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2021
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Checking in. Going great guns. I think I've just been so busy this week and through the weekend, but facing up to the challenges, not avoiding them, and I haven't had much space to think about MO. I also have tried to take some down time in between the workload. Also prayer.
     
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Relapse. Counter says 18 days. About on par with the previous 20th day reset. I can do better.

    Interesting reading, going back over the last couple of pages of posts. Relapses at 14, 9, 20 days... again, I am glad that I'm here, rather than the daily and nightly struggle before starting this thread (and at times after starting it!). But it's time to beat my record 40 days and beyond.

    Reason not to fap #35) Because it kills my "authority"/confidence. Let's face it, if someone is giving advice on the forum and their counter says 499 days.... you want to listen to what they have to say. (This is with respect to the struggling guys like me who reset at low numbers. I understand, we're all on a journey.) I want to be an authoritative source of helpful advice and encouragement to those who are battling. After a relapse I feel like a jerk, and why should anyone listen to what I have to say? But when I get ahead with a clean streak... that's who I want to be, authoritative on overcoming struggles, confident.
     
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Heavily tempted today. I'll keep checking in with what is working for me.
     
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  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Very stressful day yesterday. My plans were totally derailed. Spent too much time on a task which I was unable to accomplish in the end. Meanwhile all my other legitimate tasks are piling up.

    Spent time on fantasy. I'm not happy about it. I'm only glad it wasn't another full-blown relapse.

    I need to work on coping skills but it's hard when my time and energy are already under pressure.

    The only thing I can think of is to start small with whatever few minutes I can give to it. This is realistic. When the pressure is that high, and I know my triggers (basically that time in the day when I'm alone), I should plan to hit some good reading on the subject. I want to work through some of the online course materials that are available.

    Any other thoughts guys?
     
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    It's amazing how some days I don't even think about fapping. Like, "oh yeah, I should check in on YBR forum sometime". But some days, like now, I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails. I honestly don't know how I'll make it through the next 24 hours. Usually what works is to take the time to go through the exercise of reminding myself why I want to make better decisions. But it's tough when you're so snowed under with work/tasks. I should see that as a reason not to fap all on it's own! Rather knuckle down and use the time proactively to better my situation. Ugh, I'll try to keep checking in.
     
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  15. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck, man. Give it your best shot.
     
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  16. badger

    badger Active Member

    hang in there my brother. just one more day. we are all in this together.
     
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks so much for the encouragement guys. @Bilbo Baggins @badger

    While I'm like, literally shaking, and just trying to manage, I keep thinking about gambling addiction. As in, how can a man sit at the table, machine, whatever and keep losing money? He knows he's down by thousands and yet he keeps going, even though he knows it will hurt him, his family, it's ruining his life... He even knows the chances of coming back/turning it around to a win are virtually zero. As much as he tries to convince himself otherwise, he has been doing this for so long he can't deny that in all likelihood he won't win. So why does he keep going? There are a couple of reasons, but the main reason he keeps going and keeps losing is because he only has to face up to life and his problems when he stands up from the table. As long as he is seated, yes, he's losing and it's a mess, but if he can keep going at the table he is free from dealing with the issues and how he has blown it.

    I can't spend an evening throwing my life away again. If I'm up to my neck in stress it would even be better to watch a couple of episodes of Walking Dead rather than PMO. At least this is viable entertainment, even if I'm not being productive, it's a legitimate restful activity and I can then get stuck in early the next morning or whatever.

    Just some thoughts. I'm really weak at the moment.
     
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  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    I feel like I'm at last rounding the corner of this intense patch of urges, stress, and basically wanting to run for the hills. It took some legitimate distraction (COD rather than PMO!) and some knuckling down to face up to the challenges again. Will keep checking in.
     
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  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    One more task I've been dreading. No choice but to tackle it after hours. The rest of the week will still be full but if I can just get this one done... again, the best hack for getting it done: Just get started. And, break the task down into smaller increments to the point of no resistance (eg. It's tough to turn in a full assignment but I can easily get started on writing 150 words. Or even just opening the brief and a new Word document).
     
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  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    I'm amazed that I'm not lost in a haze of awful images right now. This is the most stress I can remember being under. It's just God's grace, sheer determination, and lessons learned that's keeping me from going there, I think. Onward
     
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