Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. badger

    badger Active Member

    hey Rudolf,
    i have pied for years. but the main reason i need to quit is to be intimate with my wife. i mean intimate in a loving, caring, compassionate way. of course sexually too. but with the PIED comes the estrangement not only with my wife but everyone else. i am always thinking that i am half a man, not enough. or less than. and i know it's because of my little "secret".
    my focus when the urge hits is first to recognize it for what it is. i see it as my greed for pleasure trying to highjack my brain into porn. once i recognize it i will deliberately take action. for me this means no computer. read, workout. walk. do honeydos. anything but give in to this monster. i am not always successful but i keep trying. hang in there. rooting for you.
     
  2. realness

    realness Active Member

    thank you RG for your honesty and transparency in sharing your journey. It's the rarest commodity I've found in manhood. Great stuff from @badger . You hit on sexual greed which has been on my mind lately. It needs to be identified and called out in our hearts. We're exercising straight up greed when we go to porn, escorts, anything sexual outside of limited MO or sex with a spouse.

    Anyways, my main reason right now: my mental health. Relapsing to PMO sends me in a spiral. My confidence crashes, I'm wracked with guilt and shame, I fear for my family and kids, I shrink back from interactions with others. I relive past traumas of being caught in PMO or lies related to it, I relive the awfulness of being walked in on or almost walked in on..... My mind is somehow hijacked and thrown into other unhealthy tracks like envying others, judging them and being critical of their lifestyles or decisions. It's like my mind is reset to a level of selfishness and warped reality for a few days afterward. It's awful.

    Top practical tip right now: Action! Anything.... a few sets of pushups, organizing a cluttered space or drawer, doing a stage of laundry, journaling here or commenting on other fighter's journals..... Spontaneous actions for unaccountable times during the day or when urges hit, and also repetitive actions for predictable and known times of the day (reading on my kindle in bed before sleep each night, set times to go to the coffee shop to work during the week).

    thanks for walking with me on this part of the journey
     
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks @badger and @realness for the great posts. Nuff said! It's impossible to read the above and go ahead with a PMO session... the solution is as you said, to import that into the moment when the urge pops up.
     
  4. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Happy New Year. I'm sure you'll do better this year.
     
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks Mr @Shady . Happy New Year to you too. So far so good. I started up a path of relapse again today but reality hit me and I shut it down. Could be better but I was glad I made the right choice before wasting too much time on it.
     
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  6. badger

    badger Active Member

    good for you. it's that first car of the train that gets you not the caboose.
     
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Guys. Relapse. Proper. I'm pissed off with myself. Counter reset, 9 days. It's tempting to think that 2021 is down the tubes, since it is now not possible to have a fap-free year. (Although I'm the first to insist that date changes are arbitrary - if new year's resolutions help you, great, but otherwise, find something better to put your hope in.)

    The positives I can draw from this is that it has now got me to take another hard look at myself. I feel like I've hit something of a crisis point. Even what @warded was saying about allowing a FMO/PMO/whatever when I have had a good streak, using that as an excuse, rather having a goal of being porn-free/fap-free/whatever forever. I've been thinking about these things. One conclusion I've reached is: there must be an end. In my "stronger weak moments" leading up to the relapse this helped me to throw aside the urges, with the mindset, "never again." Then I hit a "weak weak moment" and gave in to the thing, properly. Took me a day or two to get back here.

    I was really tempted to not reset the counter/fess up here on the forum. Eventually I realised that's bull, and it's time to cut the bull. It's amazing how pride sets in even for a bunch of dudes with no bearing on my day-to-day, how I still want to keep up appearances here on the forum. Unbelievable. (Let me disclaimer that I really feel like y'all have had a bearing on my day-to-day living, but it's only been positive. Thanks as always for the encouragement and input gents).

    I believe I need to put some more time, attention and energy into this if I don't want 2021 to be another cycle of resist-relapse-repeat. I've been checking out some anti-addiction resources and doing some more intense reading, which I will probably post here, but only when I see the results.

    Help me with the mindset which works for y'all: Is it unrealistic to have a "never will I MO again" mindset? Or do you find the "never again" mindset necessary for you to stay clean and foster a better lifestyle? Or do you just focus on today? And if you mess up with this "today" approach, is it just a case of getting back on the wagon asap? What has worked for you gents in your thinking?
     
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  8. badger

    badger Active Member

    Rudolf,
    hang in there. first this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I inroads in my brain have been there for decades. it's going to take time to rewire. for me porn is not the problem. it's a symptom. a distraction. comfort. pleasure. when I don't want to face life on life's terms. I need to concentrate on my life. what do I want to do? who do I want to be? work on that everyday. have a plan. and porn will not have a foot in the door. shame, resentment,frustration,guilt,anger, these are only some of the feelings I want to get away from when I use porn. it is always there. my best friend. but it has betrayed me. makes me feel less than a man. a filthy dirty person. if only people knew my secret? it is going to take the rest of my life to work through this. but just for today I will do the next right thing that is in front of me. that is all I can do. I highly recommend a book-Rational Recovery by Trimpey. this book has helped me tremendously. it goes against everything AA taught me. I was in AA for over 50 yrs-never kept me sober. that doesn't mean it didn't help me. AA taught me how to live life with people. I learned a great deal in AA. I don't know if you are spiritual but one of the things they told me in AA is to put my shoes underneath the bed at night. that way in the morning when I get up I have to get on my knees to retrieve them. while i'm on my knees I ask God to not leave me on my own today. to help me with this horrible addiction. I had not done that in years. just started again and it makes a huge difference in my life. long ramble but this is the most days I have ever put together clean, so I will continue to do what I am doing. praying for you
     
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  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse sorry to hear about your relapse.
    You know I was never into New year resolutions.
    Why do we have to make changes at the beginning of the year, why not 2 days into the year, why not 2 months or even six months int the year. What's so special about the beginning of the year.
    These thoughts are just an excuse to give up.
    Don't think too much. Just act, or in this situation, don't.
     
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  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks again for the heartfelt responses @badger and @Shady .

    @badger Yes I am spiritual for sure, that is my greatest motivation to change. I love the dependancy on God in that point of praying every morning, thanks for that.
     
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  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey Rudolf, you’ve made tremendous steps already, don’t start believing the lies of the enemy. That you are worthless, unable to change not strong enough or whatever the thoughts in your head might be. Christ has paid the price! You can look at your chains and be focused on your problems, feeling like you’re unable to break free. or you can look at Christ and see that the locks are opened. Lay down your burdens, stand up, dust off, walk out of your prison and into your purpose.

    Isaiah 52:2
    Shake yourself free, Jerusalem! Rise from the dust and sit on your throne! Undo the chains that bind you, captive people of Zion!
     
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  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    There we are, just about a week in to this streak. Trying to focus on healthy life management, not just beating PMO. Will keep checking in.
     
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Reason #34) Chasing future peace is better than chasing present escape. Often the reason I fap, or play video games, or stay in bed, is because I'm desperate for immediate peace - a moment away from the crushing responsibilities and challenges, a to-do list as long as my arm, etc, etc. But, this is at the cost of future peace. The time is better invested doing something, anything, to chip away at the list, to solve problems, to put my life and my family on a better footing. The reality is that if I'm working toward that future peace, I will feel the urge to escape less, because I will be easing some of the pressures rather than just avoiding them. Also, when I'm doing the right stuff I feel like a man, the man I was made to be.

    There is also a spiritual aspect of future peace, where all of life is a drop in the ocean against eternity. All my time should be given toward the best possible eternity in terms of my faithfulness and the trajectory of my life and character. (I'm not talking about earning a ticket to heaven by good works, I don't believe that we can, salvation is a free gift, bought for us by the perfect life, death, and life again, of Christ. But the Bible does talk about how we build our lives on this foundation and it is big on a heavenly reward in Christ Himself, how we will get to enjoy being with Him into eternity is somehow linked to how we invest our time, talent and resources in this life after we have known Him.)

    This will be helpful in the moment of an urge to escape through some of these time-wasting activities, if I can remember that what I really want to chase is a better future with more peace of mind than what I would get from avoidance. The reward is both short-term (I will immediately feel better if I knock off some tasks) and long-term via a cumulative effect.
     
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  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Checking in... fairly solid weekend... focussing on some urgent tasks so not much space for messing around. Was tempted last night and looked for something appealing that had maybe slipped through the filters, but thankfully didn't find anything and shut that down without doing anything I'd regret (or, that I'd regret more than the actual looking, which I also need to cut out).
     
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  15. badger

    badger Active Member

    something i heard in AA-if you hang around a barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut.
     
  16. Keep up the great work!
     
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    @badger Lol! @chickendinner22 Thank you sir.

    Today I'm thankful for the hard road. If stuff didn't get really difficult in this season, it wouldn't have brought my addiction and character issues to the fore and I wouldn't be dealing with them now.

    From a spiritual perspective, I thank God for His careful leading in my life. If He just gave me a cushy life I might either have been lost in P, or, I might never have gotten deep into it and therefore never dealt with my character shortcomings.

    I wish I had gotten through what I'm getting through now years ago, but, if He had given me a life with challenges leading to this amount of stress years ago, I might have cracked and my life might be far more down the tubes.

    As it is, He has led me just right, in spite of my issues, wilful or otherwise, to give me, actually, a beautiful life, and with potential for the second half to be even better in many respects - not based on what might or might not happen externally but a better internal position and trajectory of my character.

    Still early days but I really believe I'm on a better streak at the moment. Time will tell
     
  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    I MO'd yesterday with no P or P subs. I don't see it as a relapse. My wife walked in just after. She didn't notice, but I still felt pretty lousy about it. It reminded my of why I'm trying to get this compulsive behaviour out of my life.
     
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  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Once again I feel like I'm in a fight for my life at the moment. Not just against PMO but trying to get through a crushing workload and stress.

    Here's what I'm trying today:

    - Starting early, "avoiding avoidance", "leaning into the hill". Everything in me wants to run away, play video games, sleep, whatever. I'm going to make an effort to go the other way and actually plan and tackle the tasks.
    - I know if I'm in this headspace and I get an easy gap to try search around my filters for some arousal then I'll take that gap. I have to be prepared for that moment in the day and rather do something constructive, maybe some good reading on overcoming addiction, or interaction on the forums.
    - PMO is a symptom, what I also need to tackle is reducing stress, and improving life management skills. The trouble is, I'm on the hamster wheel, just trying to complete tasks each day, and battling to get time to consider the big picture and make adjustments to my lifestyle. There's no easy solution to how to reduce expenses and increase income. So where do I start? Prayer, I think.
    - I have lots of tips and hacks I want to try to improve my overall routines and productivity, like looking at exercise, sleep, caffeine intake, I could write a whole post on these. I can't tackle all of them at once, it's too much. This week I will focus on getting up at the same time every day and not having caffeine after 2pm. I was doing better when I was implementing this previously.
     
  20. badger

    badger Active Member

    good for you. everything begins with a plan. looks like you've got one.
     
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