Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Facepalm. Another false start, another reset 5 days in. Which I was going to gloss over and ignore, but found it hard to do that after your post @realness. (Which is kind of funny, although also not really.)

    I seem to be back up to that level of stress I was at a couple months back where I fell into a rut of relapsing after every couple of days. It's definitely an avoidance ploy. The workload is so crushing this week I don't feel like I can take the time to properly process, which is necessary to keep abstaining... but that's a lie, cos when I don't abstain, I spend more time on chasing up my fetish.

    So perhaps I need to come on here and think it through next time I'm urging. In any case thanks for the encouragement fellas. I'm not giving up on this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Much better right out the gate this time. I'm taking a very intentional approcah with lots of visual reminders of what I'm trying to do (phone lock screen & wallpapers, etc). I find the battle for me is formulating a plan & sticking to it, rather than trying to avoid the issues completely.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Hanging in there, fighting the fight. The urges are very close but I'm doing ok so far.
  4. badger

    badger Active Member

    I know the urges will always be there for me. have been for many years. it's what I do with them. I have found that it's a gradual slide. I have urges. will watch youtube-soft porn. I believe is safe since it's not explicit or graphic. but then I keep these pictures in my head-more urges. or I say, I watched this might as well watch the hardcore stuff. always rationalizing or giving my self permission to watch porn. then it's all over. but it started way back then. that is where I need to interrupt it before it snowballs into smut. hang in there Rudolf.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Hey gents. It's been a great run. Took some long-awaited time out. Thankfully haven't urged once while on vacation, which supports that the addiction is linked closely to stress. Great family time. The next few days are going to be rough when I hit the ground with month-end work stuff, but I have a plan. I also need to watch my intake like you were saying @badger . Keep fighting the fight people, it's worth it.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Oh, man. Back in town, back to a long to-do list, back to urges. My brain after a rest is furnishing new creative ways to fantasize. "The heart is an idol factory."

    Reason #32) 'Cos I'm on a solid streak and I really want this season ahead coming back from vacation to be a productive time to build helpful habits for what I want my life to look like.
    Shady likes this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Hanging in there dudes... strong temptation for P subs and FMO... "I'm a donkey on the edge!" The worst is knowing EXACTLY what I would do if I were to spend time on the habit (what I would look up, etc, etc...). I gotta knuckle down and do some work but strong escapist urges at play here. Reminding myself that it's just a distraction that will spit me out on the other side, far worse off than I started, if I cave in. Staying the course!
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2020
    badger and Shady like this.
  8. realness

    realness Active Member

    Good stuff RG. You're right to knuckle down and work hard. Would it help to add a reward? Can you plug in a reward this week to look forward to? A latte break, hike, or other outdoor activity?
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    @realness It's a good suggestion, but one I've never really got to work for me. My week is so full, man. It makes it tricky. It got to the point where I just was unable to be productive before the vacation time. The trip has allowed me to get productive again, but in all that time the work has been piling up. I could take a gap on the weekend maybe... This must be part of the problem. It seems like I need to somehow loosen up my schedule. "The only way out" at the moment though, "is through". I'll give it some thought. Thanks.

    Really on the edge here guys. I keep getting a sudden urge and it sets my pulse racing. Hence the more frequent posting.

    Reason #33 is working for me today) Compare ultimate realities. What I mean is this: I've spent far too much of my life chasing some fleeting high which I get from an MO. Even if I were to have the most (temporarily) satisfying MO, the ultimate MO as it were... even that would not be worth it. It would be over in a moment and a waste. The ultimate reality I want, on the other hand, and which is available to me, is far, far, more satisfying, even if it means I'm squirming in the moment because I'm in a hard place with work and wanting to escape or whatever. I am going to chase the ultimate reality of eternity with Christ, and a fulfilling life of family and positive impact in the world around me.
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2020
    realness likes this.
  10. badger

    badger Active Member

    i like that ultimate reality. the PMO is a lie. fleeting. 5 second pleasure for a lifetime of misery. today i will not indulge no matter what. like the verse in the good book says
    "as for me and my house...
    Rudolf Geyse and realness like this.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Well gents, thanks for the support this year. I can absolutely see the progress. I have gone from uisng PMO pretty much nightly to fall asleep, to reporting relapses between 14 and 40 days.

    I relapsed again and I'm not happy, especially in the face of all the great reasons not to fap. For me a relapse happens when I get to that place where I'm consumed with chasing down an MO through whatever means and it ends up eating up hours out of my day in terms of attention and focus. I'm considering a "fap-free-December"-type approach, for example, rather than just winging it and seeing how many days I can rack up. I was also interested to start tracking on a spreadsheet rather than just counting the streaks.

    Let's go again.
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2020
  12. realness

    realness Active Member

    Yup, the overall progress has been a great motivator when I relapse. I was also a daily or at least weekly PMO guy, and at the very least improving on that made a big difference in my life. Emotionally and spiritually. You're laying down a good foundation of integrity and relapses are unfortunate, but we get back up and keep building, working and learning. We're being changed through our efforts but there are also external forces at work on us. Our willingness to get back up and welcome those changes will pay off.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  13. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse

    I'm one of those who recommends using spreadsheets. Yes for the addiction but also for other areas of lifestyle change. Using them has been a great addition to my life and has positively impacted my addiction (I'm not at the point you are, but definitely doing noticeably better overall, and the spreadsheet is part of that). Of course, it is up to you to determine how detailed it will be or not (e.g. Are you just keeping track of days you relapsed? How about PMO vs FMO or their ratio per session? What was the duration of your session? What was the time of day? What, to your knowledge, was the cause or causes of the relapse?, etc.), and while it can consist of some trial and error, it might behoove you to spend a little time setting the parameters of your spreadsheet so that you can optimize its usefulness. Also, I recommend trying to make a habit of filling it out quickly in the morning so you can quickly reflect on the day before and fill it out without sacrificing too much time (evening can work but then you are using your IAD late in the day...not sure how problematic that is for you but for me it should be avoided). One more piece of advice might be to create some type of grade or ranking system, although this is subjective and you'd need to spend some time getting a semi-concrete idea for what those grades/ranks are equivalent too (i.e. A is a "perfect" day, F is a relapse to porn, D is a relapse/slip or otherwise (depending on your mindset) to fantasy, C could be looking at P or P Subs without genital stimulation, B is some fantasizing, B+/A- is when you intentionally fantasized or ogled but only for a little bit throughout the day, etc; I don't use my system like that, although there are some similarities). Anyway, hope you find something that works well for you.

    Take care
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks @realness and @NewStart19 for the time taken to post and give encouragement. There are some good suggestions in there @NewStart19, especially about quick regular reflection when updating your sheets.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Another counter reset. I need to think about ways to deal with feeling overwhelmed. As the December break approached & I saw how behind I was with certain tasks, I turned to PMO for a release. And of course the stress is still there and I'm worse off for it.

    Lots of people see January 1 as a time to take a fresh start. I feel that a date change is arbitrary. What's to stop us from taking a fresh start right now?
  16. warded

    warded New Member

    Hey Rudolf, great thread!

    My short input after reading: To me it seems like many of the helpful ways of thinking recommended in the last posts may work the opposite way in your case. After achieving multiple solid streaks of multiple weeks even, I personally struggle with the likes of "I can PMO once now, as I have relapsed much less when looking at the big picture". I feel like you should try going day by day without focusing on a) getting a great start or b) relapsing less in the course of months. These are only excuses.

    The goal should be to be pornfree forever!

    These are merely the thoughts of a guy that keeps struggling with the same addictions, so this not coming from a place of arrogance. I just wanted to share my reflections on the ways our brains tend to trick ourselves.

    Keep fighting!

    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  17. badger

    badger Active Member

    for me PMO is also a release from stress. but it is also a celebration from success. a cure for loneliness. a revenge for when i think someone has done me wrong. a tool to kill time. etc. etc. these are all excuses for me to get my fix. i need to face these uncomfortable feelings without PMO. in pain there is growth. it is said that relapse is part of the disease of addiction. if i think this way, then i expect to relapse. i relapse because i choose. hang in there Rudolf. rooting for you.
    Rudolf Geyse and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks @warded . I agree hundred percent that I don't want a better overall track record to be an excuse for allowing continued relapses. When I relapse I fully acknowledge afterward that I would have been better off not relapsing. I believe I'm up against a learned compulsive behaviour pattern that I absolutely want to break off, fully and finally.

    So the reason I remind myself that I'm doing better overall is (hopefully) not a cop-out for continued relapses, but a personal encouragement to go for it again. Without some kind of encouragement I feel like I would want to throw in the towel altogether. I still want to reach my original goal of 90 days porn-free to start with, a goal I have not reached since starting this journey. But I do see progress, for which I'm grateful. Hope this makes sense.

    I'm always happy to get suggestions on the forum cos it's worth trying different approaches when my approach is failing, so, thanks again.

    Thanks @badger . Great post! "In pain there is growth." I believe this too. I will keep this phrase in mind.
  19. realness

    realness Active Member

    You're doing great in valuing your progress and handling relapses. I struggled over the summer with relapsing every 10-14 days. But valuing the progress and improvement helped carry me into the fall, and I never would have expected the success I'm experiencing now in not viewing porn. And I'm learning from that. Although I'm not satisfied that I still FMO and MO, I'm not going to beat myself up over that, just like I learned not to beat myself up over relapses. Keep going! We're going to have setbacks, but this place is so great to have caring people encourage us and help us see the bigger picture.
    Rudolf Geyse and NewStart19 like this.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Hotchie motchie. Another reset at 14 days... Read through all the reasons and handles I have posted on the forum and I want to overcome this again. Lord, help me.

    If you're reading this, post your top reason why you want to quit & your top practical step that helps you to focus when the urge hits.
    realness likes this.

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