Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    I'm a little blown away now. Thanks for all the messages people. Really appreciated. @Apeman @Ccman123 @realness @NewStart19 @forlorn @Shady

    What if the world was more like this forum? When I have told people my struggles in person I've been met with blank dismissal, and vague disapproval. If we were all so encouraging in person, would struggles with addiction be a thing of the past? (On the other hand, maybe you guys should have smacked me around a little more, who knows? o_O)

    I was definitely doing better when I was posting here more regularly. For a season I'll try that again.
    Shady, Thelongwayhome27 and Ccman123 like this.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    One thing is that people here have also personal experience hence it's easier to understand.

    I think we can find support in the real world as well however, even non P related support - but I have realized lately how challenging it is to ask for help.

    The cliché is that we can just go and ask for help and it's all good, we'll get it. Not so (from my own experience) !

    Knowing how to ask for help is a skill in itself ... !

    But yeah the support on here can really be valuable !
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Well said @Thelongwayhome27, thanks for that.

    I've committed to posting here regularly for a while, so here I am as promised. The fact is, I've fallen into wanting Psubs-MO / Erotica / FMO again. It doesn't even feel like an intense craving, I'm just so ready to go along with it, almost like it's no thing, it's just the most natural thing in the world. I don't want to come on here, I want to look for P subs. It's pretty much all the time, but mostly late at night before I sleep. I don't know how I haven't reported a full-blown relapse already. I honestly can't tell you.

    I'll keep checking in here. One reason I've been scarce is that work and stress have been way up. (Adding to the above.) It can only be good to properly investigate and articulate where I've been at again so I'll try steal some time to do that. I'd like to revisit and continue posting reasons not to fap.

    Thanks for the support gents, it has been valuable!
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    The only thing that's keeping me from faps before I go to sleep at the moment is to exhaust myself watching or reading safe stuff late into the night. Not in a great space here. Just holding on.
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    The world is not like this forum.
    Experience taught me to keep my problems to myself for two reasons.
    1- my family and close friends don't deserve holding all that weight for me.
    2- my not so close friends will use this against me one day.

    So come here @Rudolf Geyse and share it all with us. We're here to help each other.

    We're in this together.

    Good luck.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks @Shady. Appreciate it bro.

    Here's why I've been so down lately. Context:

    Change of plans. I had a plan involving my whole family, my work at three different institutions, and generally my whole life. everything was on track for this to come to fruition last Friday. It didn't go according to plan. I found myself facing another delay of 10 days or so before reaching that goal. Ordinarily I don't think that would wreck me so much - just waiting a few days more, with a whole bunch of reorganising and extra effort thrown at the project. The fact that it broke me tells me I've been running on empty. Why? Lack of vacation time owing to lockdown and other considerations. Basically my output has been exceeding my input. And, a whole bunch of other stuff hit me at once. Things that would make you say, "what the flip?" This week I had a minor freak fender bender, a neighbours' (older teen/young adult) son throwing a stone through my bedroom window pane for jollies, all kinds of stuff.

    I feel like the outcome of this has been that I'm a totally different person to who I was a month ago. Broken, man. And as it relates to this forum, old habits immediately popped up as a crutch. Not cool!

    What have we learned? I'll write about that next time.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2020
    Shady and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  7. realness

    realness Active Member

    hey man, looking forward to hearing how things are going and how you processed all of that stuff that got thrown at you. One recurring them I see on these journals is the reality of dealing with difficult, unpleasant things without the go-to of PMO. Sometimes it's easy, just get busy doing a healthy replacement activity. Lots of other times it's more difficult. It's a slow moving problem that you have to process over days and weeks. Or a series of unfortunate events like you experienced. Or a major tragedy. Healthier processing takes practice, experience and effort to take root and become our default. Hence the relapses, starts and stops, longer streaks, etc. We're getting there! Thank you for your honesty and transparency in sharing your fight. It's helped me a lot. Keep it up bro!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks @realness. That is well said and I'm so, so glad it's been helpful to you.

    Here we are at 15 days. It's amazing how it swings: some days are just so difficult and PMO is on top of you like you can't breathe or concentrate on anything else, and then before you know it you might go for a week and think, oh yeah, I better check in on the forum, cos PMO is so distant.

    What have I learned from the crash I described in the last post?
    • If I could do 2020 again I would take proper leave time. We didn't do this cos of lockdown and other factors. I ended up pretty burned out. Get some good rest and a change of scenery guys, any way you can.
    • I learned that PMO is still a crutch. It has made me again want to pursue the goal of being that guy, who, even if the worst happens, doesn't need to turn to PMO for a temporary high.
    • You gotta build in good habits when you're coping to help you when you aren't.
    • Once again it demonstrated that PMO isn't worth it. Didn't help me enough to warrant all the hours and time and focus and energy.
    All the best guys, keeping going after better things
    -Luke- and Shady like this.
  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Just checking in. Counter says 20 days. Came far too close to a relapse a couple times. I have blocked a certain device from accessing the WiFi - that was the loophole I carried on exploiting before. Onward.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Checking in again. Counter says 32 days but holey moley! It's been a struggle and I'm still not where I want to be in terms of semi-frequently going along with unhelpful thought patterns. On the up side, I've blocked about all my old avenues to P and P subs. In doing this I've found I've discouraged myself from going back to the same old patterns - it's too much of a shlep to go through a rigmorale of de-activating blockers etc on the one hand, or looking for new novel unblocked P subs and sites on the other.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Reason not to fap # 29) is also Handle #10):

    Ok - you're urging / feeling tempted to fap. Possibly because you're stressed out or procrastinating or whatever. While you're still thinking about it, put yourself ten minutes or half an hour (or worse, an hour and a half) in the future. What would the outcome be if you had wasted all that time on chasing down an MO? Would you feel better about yourself? Would there be less work or less stress in your life to deal with? Nope, everything would be there, still sucky, just amplified by your wasting of good potentially productive time. Rather, tackle something. Anything. That is the proactive path to feeling better: even if you've just made headway on one task, you will feel better than if you had given in to the urge. Or, take a constructive break with a legitimate de-stressor and then get stuck in to your work.

    The choice is yours. By the end of today you could have crushed it or blown it. What do you want to feel like by the end?

    To summarise: Reason #29) Because a simple visualisation exercise refutes PMO.

    And, Handle #10) Visualise yourself as if you had just squandered time on PMO. This will remind you that it's not worth it and doesn't help a damn thing.
    birdsky, Doper, Shady and 1 other person like this.
  12. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Great post! I identified with all your thoughts.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Reason #30) Because I'm 3 days away from beating my best streak since I started this journal.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. realness

    realness Active Member

    That's awesome RG! You sound even stronger and more confident. Remind yourself each morning that you have another day to advance and thrive as you recover from pmo. And celebrate every night for all the good things that come from abstaining and being active in healthy ways
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Thanks @realness. Yeah I feel stronger. It was really touch and go for a while there before this streak got going. It reminds me how this is as much about the journey and the long game as it is about abstinence and day counters.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  16. realness

    realness Active Member

    Checking in to see how you're doing man.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    @realness that is really great that you would do that brother.

    To answer your question, I'm up and down. The "down" is that I have reset the counter. It seems the chaser effect got me after a nice intimate time with my wife over the weekend (although that is a bit simplistic: I don't need to blame the chaser effect for my slip).

    The "up" is that the counter said 39 days, a record for me. Also that I'm feeling pretty strong starting out on a new streak. And also that I get to run a clean streak, hopefully - last time, while I hadn't had a full-blown relapse, I had spent too much time on P subs so I got the feeling the counter wasn't 100% accurate.

    Nice to see on your thread that you are pretty strong at the moment. Keep up the strong streak!
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2020
  18. realness

    realness Active Member

    Good stuff RG. That's awesome that you can build again on your best streak. Despite the setback it will be easier to build momentum and confidence again. Coming here is so great to confirm facts that recovery is non-linear. To be encouraged to not dwell in shame and guilt and get right back up off the matt. Every day without PMO is a blessing to you no matter where you are on a streak. Onward and upward bro.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Swear words - after that I went along with a severe binge. "Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall." - 1 Cor. 10:12 right?

    I feel like a turd, and you know what? That's a good thing. Absolutely like you said, @realness, not to dwell there, but we need to take a moment to feel the disappointment. Let it hit so you won't want to go there yet again.

    So again @realness, yep, I'm looking for that confidence and momentum once more. 40 days is the starting goal. I know what needs to change. Onward and upward for sure. I'll check in again soon.
    realness likes this.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    What's really helped me out the gate on a new streak is previously blocking access to P sites. Internet blockers, safe browsers.

    Reason #31) Because of the exponential effect of staying clean. It goes like this: you guys have helped me in my fight against PMO. We all know PMO hampers us as human beings, makes us less effective, less helpful to others. Let's say because I'm clean, I'm banging on all cylinders with my work and relationships, I end up being helpful to 5 or 50 others. They each help 5 or 50 others... quick maths... that's 25 to 2500 people's lives improved because of the fight against PMO. All because I was clean, living a more worthy life, and also because you guys were encouraging me on the forum. And it keeps paying forward.

    Thanks for the encouragement on the forum all, keep at it.
    realness, Shady and NewStart19 like this.

Share This Page