Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    I'm a little blown away now. Thanks for all the messages people. Really appreciated. @Apeman @Ccman123 @realness @NewStart19 @forlorn @Shady

    What if the world was more like this forum? When I have told people my struggles in person I've been met with blank dismissal, and vague disapproval. If we were all so encouraging in person, would struggles with addiction be a thing of the past? (On the other hand, maybe you guys should have smacked me around a little more, who knows? o_O)

    I was definitely doing better when I was posting here more regularly. For a season I'll try that again.
    Shady, Thelongwayhome27 and Ccman123 like this.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    One thing is that people here have also personal experience hence it's easier to understand.

    I think we can find support in the real world as well however, even non P related support - but I have realized lately how challenging it is to ask for help.

    The cliché is that we can just go and ask for help and it's all good, we'll get it. Not so (from my own experience) !

    Knowing how to ask for help is a skill in itself ... !

    But yeah the support on here can really be valuable !
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Well said @Thelongwayhome27, thanks for that.

    I've committed to posting here regularly for a while, so here I am as promised. The fact is, I've fallen into wanting Psubs-MO / Erotica / FMO again. It doesn't even feel like an intense craving, I'm just so ready to go along with it, almost like it's no thing, it's just the most natural thing in the world. I don't want to come on here, I want to look for P subs. It's pretty much all the time, but mostly late at night before I sleep. I don't know how I haven't reported a full-blown relapse already. I honestly can't tell you.

    I'll keep checking in here. One reason I've been scarce is that work and stress have been way up. (Adding to the above.) It can only be good to properly investigate and articulate where I've been at again so I'll try steal some time to do that. I'd like to revisit and continue posting reasons not to fap.

    Thanks for the support gents, it has been valuable!
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    The only thing that's keeping me from faps before I go to sleep at the moment is to exhaust myself watching or reading safe stuff late into the night. Not in a great space here. Just holding on.
  5. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    The world is not like this forum.
    Experience taught me to keep my problems to myself for two reasons.
    1- my family and close friends don't deserve holding all that weight for me.
    2- my not so close friends will use this against me one day.

    So come here @Rudolf Geyse and share it all with us. We're here to help each other.

    We're in this together.

    Good luck.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Thanks @Shady. Appreciate it bro.

    Here's why I've been so down lately. Context:

    Change of plans. I had a plan involving my whole family, my work at three different institutions, and generally my whole life. everything was on track for this to come to fruition last Friday. It didn't go according to plan. I found myself facing another delay of 10 days or so before reaching that goal. Ordinarily I don't think that would wreck me so much - just waiting a few days more, with a whole bunch of reorganising and extra effort thrown at the project. The fact that it broke me tells me I've been running on empty. Why? Lack of vacation time owing to lockdown and other considerations. Basically my output has been exceeding my input. And, a whole bunch of other stuff hit me at once. Things that would make you say, "what the flip?" This week I had a minor freak fender bender, a neighbours' (older teen/young adult) son throwing a stone through my bedroom window pane for jollies, all kinds of stuff.

    I feel like the outcome of this has been that I'm a totally different person to who I was a month ago. Broken, man. And as it relates to this forum, old habits immediately popped up as a crutch. Not cool!

    What have we learned? I'll write about that next time.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2020
    Shady and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  7. realness

    realness Member

    hey man, looking forward to hearing how things are going and how you processed all of that stuff that got thrown at you. One recurring them I see on these journals is the reality of dealing with difficult, unpleasant things without the go-to of PMO. Sometimes it's easy, just get busy doing a healthy replacement activity. Lots of other times it's more difficult. It's a slow moving problem that you have to process over days and weeks. Or a series of unfortunate events like you experienced. Or a major tragedy. Healthier processing takes practice, experience and effort to take root and become our default. Hence the relapses, starts and stops, longer streaks, etc. We're getting there! Thank you for your honesty and transparency in sharing your fight. It's helped me a lot. Keep it up bro!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Thanks @realness. That is well said and I'm so, so glad it's been helpful to you.

    Here we are at 15 days. It's amazing how it swings: some days are just so difficult and PMO is on top of you like you can't breathe or concentrate on anything else, and then before you know it you might go for a week and think, oh yeah, I better check in on the forum, cos PMO is so distant.

    What have I learned from the crash I described in the last post?
    • If I could do 2020 again I would take proper leave time. We didn't do this cos of lockdown and other factors. I ended up pretty burned out. Get some good rest and a change of scenery guys, any way you can.
    • I learned that PMO is still a crutch. It has made me again want to pursue the goal of being that guy, who, even if the worst happens, doesn't need to turn to PMO for a temporary high.
    • You gotta build in good habits when you're coping to help you when you aren't.
    • Once again it demonstrated that PMO isn't worth it. Didn't help me enough to warrant all the hours and time and focus and energy.
    All the best guys, keeping going after better things
    -Luke- and Shady like this.
  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Just checking in. Counter says 20 days. Came far too close to a relapse a couple times. I have blocked a certain device from accessing the WiFi - that was the loophole I carried on exploiting before. Onward.
    TrueSelf likes this.

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