Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Well done on progress so far. It's been years since I went 29 days without PMO.
    Good on you for reporting the False start. I find if I don't report a relapse here, I'm more likely to repeat it.
    axebattler and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Thanks for that.

    Isn't the psychology of all this amazing. It's good that you know yourself, so you can work on it right? Thanks for the encouragement.
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Noticed an interesting trend... I'm a bit of a gamer. Mainly mobile, some COD and PUBG when I have time. Was playing and went to a loading screen after a successful mulitplayer match. In that moment I noticed I was feeling a strong urge toward the physical motion of M. I've noticed a connection between gaming and PMO in the past but I thought it was owing to triggers from female characters or NPC's in the game (eg. ring girls in UFC games). Not so in COD - there are no attractive female avatars or anything of the sort.

    Fortunately, I was far from actually seeking out O so no slips. I was just surprised by the physical motion of my actual arm. Powerful stuff, this dopamine-loop-prefrontal-cortex-hampering stuff.

    I can make sense of it - gaming is strong sensory stimulation / arousal, as is PM, so there is a strong link in the dopamine loop between gaming and the brain trying to shoot straight for the release of PMO. In both types of arousal (gaming and looking at P and edging), there is an interplay between the thrill and the frustration, a period of time with ups and downs, taking you closer to the desired end goal. The brain has learned to enjoy this because it knows that O is coming so the payoff is worth it. So now when I'm gaming, it seems my brain is falling onto that neural pathway/dopamine loop that is anticipating O, and sending strong impulses that will help the process along.

    I haven't read this in a study or anything, I'm just putting it together. Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone know any good threads/articles to read on the subject? I see there's a whole forum for gaming addiction, I might dip in there when I have time and see if there is anything related to this.
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  4. Joost

    Joost Member

    It's both artificial stimulation.

    There's a screen between you and the real world. Between you and Gods creation, I'd like to add.

    We've entered a transhumanistic dream. Whole lives are determined by external stimuli and the artificial intelligence behind it. Men believes itself to become godlike, instead they're summoning Death itself.
    God created you as a unique individual, with a unique purpose. Truly He has foreseen this age and time, where humans would fall for their own grandiose illusion. His answer and solution to this whole mess is still the same: Jesus Christ.

    I'm making a movie where I intend to address this topic. Have a look if you like.

  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    I know, right? It's like Romans chapter 1 was written for the year 2020. Thanks for the response without judgment. I'm also happy your response is centred on Christ, not "you have to be a better person". I'll definitely check out your link.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Checking in. Wow 11 Days. So great when you look again and the streak has built up. This is about the time to be wary though. Hence, checking in.

    I had a thought about feeling generally overwhelmed: I find myself working 3 jobs to make ends meet for my growing family. I'm grateful for the various opportunities to find work. However, it can be disorienting to try to attend to so many different areas of focus. This created a link to PMO as distraction and a temporary high. While I am spending time on PMO (or while a gambler sits at the roulette table or while a drug user jacks up), I don't have to deal with real life. So I cave even though it's making my life worse, 'cause there's a short-term payoff.

    That's all pretty obvious. What has been interesting and unexpected is that removing PMO hasn't solved the problem. Actually this is also pretty obvious but it surprised me. So I am left without PMO as a crutch to deal with life. This has forced me to find constructive alternatives when the feeling of being overwhelmed hits. Big one: Sort my lists. Stuff is less overwhelming when you are planning to deal with it. I use Microsoft To Do but with so many jobs/tasks the list can just spiral out of control. Rather than be totally unproductive, or turn to PMO, when I'm paralysed with being overwhelmed, I have used the time to get on top of my planning & streamlining my list. So this isn't actually completing any tasks but it's setting myself up for success.

    It's also a trust exercise... if you believe God is in control of everything, & you believe He is loving and knows what's best, you can relax. You can be positive even when the root beer is hitting the ceiling fan!

    Hopefully I'll check in again after a few more clean days.
    Merton likes this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    I'm angry with myself. 15 days and I have to report another relapse. Same story, work avoidance, stress. Urges seem to come in almost weekly - 7 days, 15 days, 28 days. I'm going to commit to doing some good reading on fighting PMO around those milestones as a reminder to be intentional. Scheduling that now.
    Merton likes this.
  8. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Have you read Matt Fradd's Porn Myth yet? It's a fascinating read and really helped me in fighting the addiction. Apart from Gary Wilson's YBOP I consider it a mandatory read for every recovering porn addict.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  9. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Hey Rudolf I know how you feel. I tend to relapse if I am stressed and my schedule gets off. This can be easy for me when I travel.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    I'll check it out - thanks for the recommendation
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    And again! Same thing after 1 week. Got tired, got busy, got a little stressed. I'm owning it - looking at P (or P subs, the bigger problem for me now) is not an accident, it was a choice I made in a weak moment. Swear words.

    Again, I bought into the lie that some release would help me to feel better. It's nuked my productivity yesterday and I'll be dealing with the fallout of that for days. So no, I don't feel better. The temporary high was once again just not worth it.

    It's not going to go differently unless I change something.
    • I'm going to try setting up the goal of "NO P" as one of my top 3 tasks for the day, for as many months as it takes. I need to keep it more in the forefront of my mind that I'm serious about this.
    • I need to tweak my filters to block some sites which have become "go to's" since I started this journalling process.
    • Failing these, I may need some extra help to get over this hurdle. Last time around I said I'd commit to doing further good reading - have not done so. If I can't put these things into place I might need to talk to someone... Which seems like a bigger hurdle in itself.
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Done. Did you know you can set up blocking on Mac in System Preferences / Screen Time? Yes, I know, it's easy to reverse, but I have found it helpful to put as many hurdles in my own path to looking at P as I can. It gives me more opportunity to say to myself "I'm not doing this" when I begin to act on an urge, and change my mind instead to leaving P alone and doing something contsructive.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    I started to try cook up a fantasy in the car on the way to work and got so disgusted at what I was trying to dream up. It's so revolting and degrading. I guess it's a good thing that that was my response. I also opened up some old web pages and found them so depressing and unsatisfying. I don't consider this a relapse yet but I understand it's playing with fire and isn't wise. So bummed that I spent so many hours of my life on this small, petty, unworthy, gross pursuit. I pray I don't go back to it: "As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly." Proverbs 26:11.
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Jonesing badly! Logged on to mention my intention not to cave! I'll report back later.
    axebattler likes this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    So far so good. I actually predicted it last week and set a reminder on my phone for yesterday to deal with the urges in a constructive way. The reminder popped up just after I posted here. Things are pretty crazy with the coronavirus and adapting all my various work tasks, I'm in the process of buying a business as well, so I haven't been able to give much time towards fighting PMO. It's often when I'm too busy and then I have some break time that the urge will hit. My awesome wife has also been sick (it's not COVID-19), so all these things add up. Staying the course for the moment tho!
  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    March month-in-review. Reported 2 full-blown relapses. "Played with fire" far too much in the form of fantasy, looking for porn subs and then stopping. Let's say that's another 4 days where I screwed around. That's 6/31 days of going back to PMO, or unhelpful behaviour once every just over 5 days. Still much better than the old ways of MO or PMO every 2 or 3 days or more. I'm screwing around half as much or less than half. Progress.

    Come on Geyse, make it a clean April.

    Hope y'all are staying safe and not caving into temptation spending extra time at home during the COVID-19 pandemic. Keep in touch with other people, via this site, video calls, whatever. Stay productive. Build in an exercise habit. Set goals.

    Do some Bible study. Check out truthforlife.org
    Merton likes this.
  17. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I like your month in review. Good work! I have been spending tons of time at home but my family is always here, so it doesn't actually increase my chances of pmo. It actually helps in some ways. Although the routine is completely thrown off, and that often makes recovery more difficult.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Yes sometimes I'm thankful when the circumstances just rule out any opportunities for PMO. We still have two weeks of lockdown here and then we'll see. I'm trying to build in a home routine over that time. Stay the course Merton, all the best
    Merton likes this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Wow. 32 days. Much better than my life about all of last year. In the past I wouldn't have reset the counter or considered the last P-subs-then-MO-later a relapse, but I think it's time to face up to it, report it, reset and build a clean streak.

    Thanks gents. What's helped:
    • Some kind of accountability and encouragement from this journal and the people on here. Thanks again sirs.
    • So, so busy. My work has actually ramped up during our national lockdown. I'm very thankful for this.
    • Understanding some of the science behind this, which for me goes hand in hand with an understanding of the Biblical representation of what those writers called "the sinful nature". The victory is in what we celebrated last weekend at Easter - Jesus broke the power of sin.
    Anyways all systems go. Take care, stay safe, stay healthy, stay clean, it's worth it.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Member

    Relapse. Responding by blocking another "borderline" site that's tripped me up before.

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