Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Oh no, here he goes again with the no-pun-intended puns :p

    Best of luck Rudolf. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion".
    CleanBootsBaby! and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  2. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Hahaha! This one (the 3rd), like the first one, and unlike the second, was unintentional :(...of course, once I typed it...oh well:

  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Dealing with the usual stress a lot better. Putting it into words and coaching myself through. I'm hoping to put down a lot more thoughts here as time allows, let's see how that goes.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great job man! Keep it up!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Definitely feel like I've rounded a corner with my mental state. Time will tell though, the proof is in the pudding. I feel like when I get to 30 days I'll have something to say.

    In any case I couldn't have got this far without the forum! I mean it. Thanks brothers for your support and getting me thinking about what needs to change.

    Iron Will rank: Scout.
    Shady, mikehunt and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Halfway to my big trigger timeframe of 20 days into the streak. I'm seeing that PMO relapse has been a symptom of a root cause for me of being overwhelmed by work, tasks, life. By focussing on the productivity workflow with rest, and helpful ways to deal with stress, I'm on a much better footing. I am not addicted to P, so much as compulsively looking for escape in my lowest moments. Never struggled with PIED (although I do perform better when I'm not in the P haze). My issue is coping with what life throws at us.

    I did let through another MO but I'm much more indifferent to that lately. The problem for me was not a standalone MO, my issue was always the destructive rampant use of mostly P subs which would take me out of the game of life for hours and days at a time... that is what is unacceptable. However. I do want to distance myself from even occasional MO's because i) I can't agree with my thought life when MO'ing. It's not helpful and doesn't line up with who I am/who I want to be. And ii) because it feeds those ingrained unhelpful neurological patterns which trip me up into more severe binges.

    Still wish I had time to write more here! Maybe I'll do THAT next time I'm craving the escape!
    Shady, -Luke-, mikehunt and 1 other person like this.
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse well said.
    But don't underestimate the negative effects of MO on its own. It's as destructive as P on its own or PMO as a whole.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Shady, I'm inclined to agree with you.

    Last night, I think showed me that the process is working... Had a whole bunch of unfocused horniness. My wife is so attractive to me but has been tired and in pain. We are praying and seeing some doctors & specialists who have given us some good pointers to implement, I'm sure we will see the difference soon. But for the time being the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Anyway it puts me in a predicament. The old way was to sort myself out after she goes to bed. You know, loser behaviour. So last night I confess to opening some browsers, but it was a positive experience. Came up to the usual blockers, my systems are now pretty watertight, so I couldn't go back to the same old traps I always fell for. Weighed up in my mind some other options and decided it wasn't worth it for the time I would have to invest into chasing down an O, might have taken an hour or more for a few seconds of pleasure. Tired myself out with some reading and Prime Video, went to bed. Considered MO'ing in bed, but with my wife there, I just thought, this isn't right, went to sleep pretty easily after that.

    "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today. Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh." - The Proclaimers.
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    You know... I REALLY WISH I HADN'T spent all those hours and years ingraining those neural pathways for the sake of smut! Bah!
    big54 and Shady like this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Had a mind-blowing time with my wife night before last. Well worth the wait. I can't imagine any P or F which could bring that level of satisfaction.

    Was dodging the chaser effect after that, there is still a lot of awful fiction rolling around in my head and it's a challenge to avoid going there. But I managed. I keep reminding myself it's not worth the time to commit it to paper. I wouldn't publish it online 'cause I don't want other kids to struggle with the same things I struggle with. So it's just a huge waste of time to go there. Also I keep tiring myself out with legitimate downtime viewing and gaming.
    Shady and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great job man, keep it up!
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I've been really excited to write this post. I think I may have taken another milestone here.

    Yesterday I got to thinking about the aforementioned fiction rolling around in my head. My wife stepped out the house and I spent about an hour digging up some old text I remember reading not too long ago which I still had access to. I was considering throwing in the towel, getting this smutty storyline out of my head and typed up. Maybe this would get it out of my system, I reasoned (although I knew this was lying to myself. Acting out never gets it out of your system. Rather, it's fuel on the fire).

    In that whole process, my heart started to sink. I knew while I was setting this up, that this would be multiple sessions, basically of FMO. Then I thought I would probably look for reference images etc, which would just be a black hole of time spent on this rotten project, potentially leading to full-blown PMO.

    While I was in that space, I thought I didn't have the strength to resist this process. I was already picturing the hours dodging my wife (ugh), staying up too late, keeping it a secret, maybe getting sucked into PMO, maybe deactivating my blockers... I pictured coming on the group and confessing I was back to square one, counter resets, the works...

    My wife came home, I closed the laptop and wrestled with these thoughts all day. Some friends came over, we cooked out, was a nice time. Was too tired to do anything in the evening, slept.

    This morning... this morning I found myself deleting it all from my computer. Access to that site is locked down. The "metascript" kicked in, and I had all I needed at hand, in my head, to do the right thing, and make the right choice.

    I didn't know I had that in me! I feel totally liberated.

    We think P is freedom because we can get some enjoyment on our own terms. True freedom is being able to say no to P because we are convinced and persuaded that we are choosing something better.

    Iron Will app rank: Sergeant!
    17 days clean.

    I'm super stoked. I plan to follow up this post with some of the things that have been helping me in the struggles.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    That's a big win. Well done!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thank you for saying that @-Luke- .

    Still not out of the woods. Temptation is still there. But staying the course.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Have to reset my MO counter on the Iron Will app. Even after the steps I took the temptation was heavy. This is upsetting - I believe MO sets back my progress on rebooting & living differently.

    Learn from this - don't celebrate too early. Be vigilant. Journal more.

    "It ain't over til it's over." Lenny Kravitz, 1991. Two interpretations: This habit isn't removed until I'm not acting out on it. And, I'm not done yet. Stronger every day.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Too bad about the MO. At least it wasn’t a porn binge.

    Eventhough this is a setback, it’s great to see the progress you’re making, friend.

    You’ll get even further next time!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Here's one for ya, motivation:
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Nearly 2 years! On this forum and I'm hitting a ceiling at 20-30 days over and over!

    I really believe I have all the tools, I have everything I need to conquer this, but I am still making bad decisions in critical moments.

    Give me 21 days. Let's go again! I'm waiting for that next critical moment, I know what to do. I'll be ready.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    I'll take this one like a war cry of a serious warrior, then, LOL!

    Let's go!

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