Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    2 days and all is quiet on the southern front. Another nice start to a new streak.

    Iron Will app rank: Scout.
     
  2. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Salute!
     
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  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Man, my gears were really grinding today. Spent too much time rattling the blockers. Too close to relapse for comfort. My wife has been struggling with some health issues for a few weeks as well, which adds pressure, so to speak. I'm going to jump in tonight/tomorrow with some concerted thought again on why I'm doing what I'm doing on this journey.
     
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Stay strong brother!
     
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Not great. I thought about calling it a strike and leaving the counter running but I prefer the idea of a 100% clean streak, it's just less murky in my mind. So let's go again, day zero.

    Critical moment: As usual, I had a pile of work. It actually triggered when I got through a late deadline and then looked at my to-do list which was still just sprawling. Rattled the blockers as reported yesterday, then came on here and made wise decisions, but only for a couple of hours until late last night when I went on an old site which for some reason wasn't blocked on my phone. (Was blocked on my other devices. Kids, I'm not telling this to give your PMO-addicted brain an avenue to finding a loophole, I'm asking you to make sure your blockers are working across your devices.) I have since blocked it on my phone, which actually hurt - telling me I'm on a good track.

    Lie/self-deception/rationalisation: "Your wife isn't well, you need this." - i) It's not a need in the strict sense, like eating and drinking. I never heard of someone who passed away from no O. ii) Abstaining from PMO while my wife isn't well is a great use of my sex drive. I'm demonstrating to her, to myself and to God that I value the way marriage is set to work, and that I'm not a slave to impulses but my members work for me (not the other way around). iii) There are a gajillion better ways to enjoy life and release stress than by going along with my particular childish fetish and prolonging a cycle which I have objectively identified as unhelpful and destructive.

    "It's too much work, just blow off some steam." - See point iii) above. Also, we have established that rather than helping, work avoidance is going to worsen the cycle. It would have been better at least to have taken a legitimate night off with constructive rest and jumped back in early. Thanks @CleanBootsBaby! for the quote - "not matter how bad things are, I can always make them worse with PMO." So true.

    The man I want to be loves life. Loves downtime through legitimate activities. Loves overcoming hurdles to advance in work arenas and just to have fun. Hates petty and pathetic enslavements. Can call P or fetishes for what they are: candy-covered "ess-aitch-star-tee". Is not affected by some discomfort. Look at your heroes - they showed up against the odds, they weren't fazed by discomfort and pain in achieving objectives. The man I want to be, the man I am actually, is loved, is set free by God for crushing it. God knows exactly what he is dishing out to me in a day and He equips me for it. I will live out who I am at the core and in god's eyes.
     
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey man. Great to see the insights and battles you’re fighting. You’re getting stronger and wiser!

    What I do read a lot in your journal is this fight against escapism because of having (too) much to do. It got me thinking: what if you simply have too much to do and the only way you know how to relax / destress is to avoid it by going after porn? Is there a way you can communicate boundaries better so you won’t have as much to do? Is there a way you can take breaks that recharge you more so that you won’t feel as overwhelmed? It’s good to stay busy, but I’m afraid it’s too much and just fuel for the fire of your addiction right now.

    I’ll be praying for the health of your wife.

    Blessings to you brother :)
     
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  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood It's tough man. A lot of the guys have pointed it out, it is a root of this ongoing struggle. I remember last time I said to someone, there's no real easy way to make more money and work shorter hours, right? Someone said investing, I have some investments but I don't have the time to give to pursuing that as a viable income stream at the moment, so the cycle continues.

    I agree that I need to find a sustainable pace. I do feel a little trapped in the status quo. I am not in the position to walk away from any of my revenue streams right now. I thank God for the opportunities I have had and for what I am doing, but it is a constant juggling act to try fit everything in. I honestly don't have any solution to this overarching problem. So I do try to put good things in place like delegation, etc. On paper it looks like I can run with everything I'm committed to but practically I'm not sure. There are some changes in the pipeline this week with roles at my main employer so I'll see where the dust settles from that.

    Which came first, the chicken or the egg? If I'm not losing my marbles and chasing after P every week, will I have more time to give to staying on top of the to-do list? I'm sure this is a factor but I think you can hear, I can't quite see the wood for the trees at the moment.

    I'm sure I'll get there & figure it out. Thanks for the message, I think it's showing me again I need to assign some time to drill down on this and see what changes I can make. Meanwhile, yes, absolutely, your suggestions of boundaries and helpful work breaks are spot on.
     
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Sometimes it feels like by taking breaks we do less, while in reality it helps us do more. This is because we’re more productive when we balance work and relaxation.

    Best of luck!
     
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Yes for sure.

    I've been thinking about it and I think it seems like I'm coping 90% of the time. It's just that one day, every week or three, in which I lose my marbles, and my learned response in that time is to turn to a relapse. So maybe I don't have to right the whole ship, I'm mostly on track... and can get there with some smaller but more intentional adjustments like the ones you are suggesting.
     
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  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hope it helps. I had to learn these things too as I had long covid combined with burn-out symptoms.

    What helped a bunch is making a spreadsheet of everything you do and have in life. And then give it colors. Green = gives energy, orange = costs energy but also gives it, red = just drains energy.

    By cutting out the red colored things, life becomes less of a struggle and we become more productive while the energy required is kept at a minimum. (Ofcourse you can’t cut out all the red things, but some definitely just cost and bring nothing).

    Goodluck man! Wishing you all the best.
     
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  11. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    True and inspiring.
     
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Now, how could you make sure you "bump" into this the next time you feel tempted? I kid you not: wallpapers with verses, the Bible on the desk - things that, when removing (I just could not sin having these near me!) would: a) make me feel guilty; b) give me some time to think over before indulging in sin, have helped me in the past.
     
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  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Solid post, brother.
     
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  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Solid weekend. My strategy in the evenings is tire myself out with constructive downtime and then sleep. At one point I picked up my phone to rattle the blockers and realised my VPN filter was switched off - instead of opening browsers I switched on the VPN, which I knew would make it impossible for me to go to the usual toxic sites, so I put my phone down and went to sleep. The smallest stuff is triggering slight urges, like a magazine cover I ordinarily wouldn't even think twice about. But, staying the course at the moment.

    Iron Will rank: Private.
     
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Well done mate, keep it up!
     
  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    A low day today, feel like I've come out of the seat of this roller coaster and I'm hanging on for dear life. Let through an MO earlier and will reset the app counter for that... @$&*%! I do trust I won't have to report a full-blown relapse but can pick up from here.
     
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  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your MO. A wonderful video I saw the other day is this one:



    Hope this helps you man!
     
  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    It's all in your hands, broski! Let's do right by ourselves and fight on yet another day. Now don't give up on us...hear me?
     
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @CleanBootsBaby! I may blow it, but I will NEVER give up on this journey. The day I give up is the day all is lost. Thanks for the post, brother. Also @BoughtWithBlood, thank you, will check.
     
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

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