Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Still good at 10 days without relapse and 5 days without MO (Rank on Iron Will App no MO counter: Corporal.)
     
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Appreciating the fact of urging as a win-win. If there are no urges, that's good: it's a win. If there are urges and it's getting tough to resist, that means I am up against a behavioural pattern which I am now resisting, which is good. That sense of struggle means I am now taking ground against negative patterns, unlearning bad habits. It doesn't mean I have to cave. Rather I can take encouragement that I'm facing up to the struggle: it's a win.

    12 days no relapse
    6 days no MO (Iron Will App Rank: Corporal)
     
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Here's what's helping.

    Dealing with being overwhelmed: Thinking clearly about what I can and can't do. There is a lot of pressure on me, but I realise I can't save the world. I can't make the projects happen. I can't cover every base in one day. Fine. what can I do? I can make the necessary contact and phone calls. I can decide on a course of action and run with it. I can definitely move a lot of stuff forward in the right direction today. Keeping these distinctions clear takes the pressure off me to move the earth in one day. In fact, my bosses, clients etc. need to understand my limitations or they are being unreasonable. I can and will do a reasonable amount today.

    Dealing with triggers: I've been setting reminders on my phone for key moments in the day which remind me that a trigger time is coming up and I need to be prepared to deal with it in a proactive way.

    12 days on the no-relapse counter
    No-MO counter ticked over to 7 days: Iron Will App rank is now Sergeant.
     
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  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Still not perfect, I'm battling to stay productive a lot of the time, and I'm way behind in my work. But, I'm happy with the progress at the moment. I feel like if I can advance in this area of avoiding PMO especially as a crutch, if the reboot process works and it gets somewhat easier to avoid PMO (I know it will never go away totally or be 100% easy but I believe it will get easier without the P haze etc.), then I will be able to devote more attention, and energy, and time to advancing in some other areas as well.

    13 days no relapse
    8 days No MO, Iron Will Rank: Sergeant
     
  5. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hey Rudolf,
    This is just my opinion but I think balancing work and recovery from porn is a tricky one for many - certainly for me. I work loads better if I am not using P. Porn induced exhaustion/ brain fuzz plus work stress does not help work productivity or the battle against P. Sometimes its strategic too work less hard and concentrate on recovery in the short term which in the middle term will make work so much more productive. Best,
    Old Tom
     
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  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Between @Bilbo Swaggins and @Old Tom Bombadil posting here I feel like I've left Bag End and I'm on the way to Bree. Lol

    But seriously, thanks OTB, you said what I was actually trying to articulate. Thank you for your support.

    What's helping at the moment: Realising every time I say "yes" to one thing I'm saying "no" to something else.

    Saying "yes" to MO or relapse is saying "no" to a healthy mind and a healthy relationship with my wife. Saying "yes" to relapse and MO is saying "no" to an improved life situation. Giving time to that means time taken away from getting ahead in the areas that are stressing me out.

    It applies to other things too. Saying "yes" to another show or a round of poker on my phone late last night, would have meant saying "no" to the sleep I needed for today.

    I'm trying to say "yes" to those things that what will be most beneficial.
     
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Very lethargic today and I have a to-do list as long as my arm. Slight urges, but I don't want to break the streak and so I don't feel close to acting out.

    15 days no relapse, 9 days no MO.
     
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Had to reset the MO counter at 10 days. Iron Will app rank: Master Sergeant.

    I hit a line of thought about a juvenile taboo fetish I used to entertain. At this point in the streak just the thought of it got my heart racing early in the afternoon and I went with the fantasy late in the evening. It got me thinking about what the appeal of the taboo is - basically going along with something the moral, rational part of your brain says is no good, but you go along with it anyway.

    I think maybe it's the false sense of "freedom" you get from going along with it. "I can do whatever I want for my own satisfaction." The more extreme the better. That's the lie. The truth is, as we all know, these things enslave us. They take us in the opposite direction, of freedom.

    Also, freedom is an interesting concept. True freedom comes from discipline. An olympic gold medalist is free to swim faster than anyone else in the pool. This is their highest passion and they will go down in history for it. What made them free to do that, when literally billions can't do what they are free to do? It came from not just God-given talent, but years spent investing into that talent, honing it, taking it to the highest degree they could muster. All the early mornings, the dieting, the mental conditioning set them free.

    The elation - or whatever reward - we seek from chasing down some fetish, is available to us in far more constructive and meaningful ways if we use what God has given us, PLUS invest into it in consistent, disciplined ways.

    I'm happy that I have still avoided a bingy, lengthy relapse even tho I MO'd. I have also been looking at some other materials that I am hoping will assist me in the areas where I'm constantly battling. I'll try 'em out first before I recommend them here tho.
     
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  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Best of luck buddy!
    You’re doing great and have some awesome insights.
     
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  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks @BoughtWithBlood , I hope I'm on a really good trajectory atm. I feel like I'm in a much better space.

    Nearly halfway to my short-term goal of 40 days w/ no relapse.
    2 days no MO. Iron Will app rank: Scout.
     
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  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Very shaky couple of days. I think I'm hitting that rough patch I usually have, between 20 and 30 days without a relapse. Things have been haywire with work and life, lots of curve balls, every five minutes it's something. Worth staying on guard the next few days.
     
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  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    RG I wish you strength to get through the rough patch. You can do it! All Best,
    Old Tom
     
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  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    "No matter how bad things are in my life, I can make then worse by PMOing" (source: my own experience).
     
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Great post @CleanBootsBaby!

    Still hanging there. Like a boat in a storm. I don't feel victorious much at the moment but every day without PMO is a victory. There is so much on the plate I don't even really have the time to elaborate here. Grateful for the forum as one more constructive distraction, with accountability, so helpful.

    20 days no PMO. Halfway to the first goal post.
    5 days no MO. Iron Will app rank: Corporal.
     
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  15. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Thanks, but greater is the job you're doing there, Rudolf! One day at a time, one day at a time.

    Our addiction is not in a rush; it can lay dormant for months...it's as if it takes advantage of the passing of time; OTOH, again, so do we, when one more day passes without giving in. We somtims just fail to realize: "Time is flowing in my favor, too."
     
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  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Throughout the day, and especially in down time, before sleeping etc, I keep getting these little snapshots, vignettes of my (current) favourite fantasy (or least favourite, for what I'm trying to do here). Keep saying to myself, no, no, no, leave it alone.

    Onward
     
  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Congrats on your 3 weeks, that's a neat milestone you got there!
     
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  18. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks @CleanBootsBaby! and @Old Tom Bombadil .

    Sadly I have to reset the counter due to relapse, right at the start of that 20-30 day period. This has been the pattern for too long.

    I want to take a moment to feel the pain of this: I will now be unable to hit that 40-day streak by my 40th birthday. Damn.

    What got me was that critical moment when I had a lot of work to complete and was feeling physically low & exhausted. I started with a break, playing some poker online. Came back to my to-do list and still wasn't feeling it. So I opened up some browsers...

    The lie/self-rationalisation was that it had been not a bad week and "I deserve some downtime." But now, it's Sunday night and I have a long evening of work ahead of me. I'm feeling the regret, letting it work for me. Plus, through another relapse, I have prolonged a habit which is keeping me in a space of wasted time, opportunities, a wasted life. No amount of regret can buy me back the hours - hundreds? Thousands of hours? - I've wasted in my life, on this dead-end, worthless pursuit of a fleeting moment of PMO. I have devalued my sex life with my wife. I could go on. Not worth it!

    The man I want to be isn't afraid of some discomfort. When I'm not selling myself to the lies, I am choosing my tasks because I value them - they are adding value to me, my family, my clients, even my church. Resistance is nothing, discomfort is nothing, like my heroes and role models who overcame all odds on the battlefield, or in other arenas.

    I am excited to get out of the starting blocks on a new streak.

    Here's what I will do differently and especially in that 20-30 day window which I have identified as a triggering time:
    • Journal daily here and in my analogue journal in that 20-30 day period.
    • Make sure my filters are banging on all cylinders. It turned out I had disabled my filter on my phone in a previous relapse or peek and hadn't activated it again. I need to see if there's a way to tighten up.
    Let's go again! This can be the big one.
     
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    That's the spirit! The failure of getting the 40 day streak for your 40th birthday can be the source of a lot of motivation. As I am, too, approaching that milestone, I want to start it as a renewed man. Good stuff.

    The thing that gives me reassurance is that "making this the big one" stays right in the middle of my possibilities. Depends on no one else but me. That's why, in theory and practice, someone can be free of this even before starting.

    Good. Now catch me if you can! :D
     
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