Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Shady Vaccination booked for Thursday, but I already took some vacation time last month, the longest vacation time I have had in ages. That is one of the things that is a little depressing, it helped a lot, but I'm still pretty much in the same boat coming back.

    Really appreciate the care and concern brother man. Today was the first day in I don't know, a week? Where the old productivity started to roll again. Made me feel like I'm getting back on track again. I'll get there, with support, including from people who are pulling for me like you guys are... Thanks pal.
     
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  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Here's what's helping:
    • Realising the lie of PMO, how fake and unfulfilling it really is. It's disgusting, really. The industry is debauched, evil.
    • Realising that PMO will eat up hours of my time which I can't afford to give, and how it may or may not even provide a satisfying orgasm at the end. Even if it does, it's over in a minute, and just prolongs the cycle for wanting to waste more precious time.
    • Realising that yeah, there is a lot of work on my plate, a lot to get to. But hey, I've done fairly well so far. Even if I just get one or two things done in a day, that is progress. I think a lot of the negative thought processes result from the idea that I'm not doing great, I'm not getting done what is super urgent, etc, etc, which pushes into trying to feel better through PMO, and so goes the cycle. Instead, I'm focusing on what I HAVE accomplished so far. And it's good.
    • Just getting started. Not trying to get my whole life together in one day, but just making a start, and trying to steer this start towards the top, top priorities for the day.
    • Realising I have a beautiful God-given wife who is real and there for me. PMO can't give me a back rub or make me a cup of coffee. PMO can't give me a real soul connection, a real partner for life who will face thick and thin with me. Fantasy simply can't compete.
    • Time spent pondering the Bible. When I look at Paul in Philippians chapter one for example, under arrest by the Roman government, talking about how whether he lives or dies he is confident Christ will be glorified in him, and he will not be ashamed... these things take my mind off what is petty and temporary and put my mind on what is important and eternal.
     
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  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Wonderful post man!
     
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  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Proactively today:
    • Added a couple of sites that have tripped me up recently, to a blocker list.
    • Encouragde one or two guys on the forum with likes and comments. So helpful to be on here so I will make an effort to pay it forward.
    • Prayer and worship
     
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse good to hear you're finally beginning to feel better. You can get there, I'm sure.
    I know that sometimes vacation doesn't fix things. That means you need to reassess and see what needs change in your life. That feeling inside means that you need to do some huge changes in your life. This change includes your career, your life, your choices, the people in your life and the people you work with. This whole environment makes all the difference.
    I'm not saying you should make this change right away. All I'm saying is that you need to make an assessment of everything I mentioned above and see what needs to be changed.
    Take a few months to think about this.

    And I like your two most recent posts. These are very valid points.
     
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  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Shady ! Thanks for the support, so, so appreciated.

    Unfortunately there's no easy answers to how to get more money and work shorter hours, am I right? But you are hundred percent correct, I think there are some things in my life that aren't sustainable and the question is, over the next season, and always, what can we tweak, what cn can we do differently, how can we work smarter to pursue what we value without burning out? Thanks again for your input and have a good one.
     
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I'm not saying you should look for easier work with shorter hours. Life is not easy. You should work hard.

    All I'm saying is that the work you're doing should only be physically consuming but not psychologically.

    And you have also raised some very important and valid questions.

    Thanks. You too have a nice one.
     
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  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Investing can be a good way to get more money while working less :p
     
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Copied from what I just posted on @BoughtWithBlood 's thread:

    I was watching a show where the guy is left alone in charge of the base. On the first day he gets up early, makes coffee and a health smoothie, works out, reads Tolstoy. 2nd day, gets up a little later, drinks coffee from the pot, not as good a workout, reads Dr Seuss. 3rd day, sleeps in, watches trashy tv, eats pizza, sharing it with the dog.

    It reminded me of how awesome this gospel is. God doesn't receive us based on our performance. It's about acknowledging the perfect performance of the Son of God and agreeing that we can't get it right at all. Trusting less and less in ourselves and more and more in the work of Christ on our behalf. Like the guy in the show, we can't get it right for long, or all the time, or every time.

    This brings me great encouragement. For a long while I felt like I was taking ground but lately I've been a bit of a mess. There are lots of reasons for it, including the huge mental load from the pandemic on top of personal issues etc.

    If it was all up to me I'd be the most depressed person. I'm so glad God accepts me on the basis of what Christ has done, not on my performance.

    However! There must be some evidence of growth in holiness in our lives... if we ever accept that we can't overcome these issues, that is the day all is lost. The result of understanding what Christ has done is a hatred of sin in our own lives.

    He will ensure that we fully and finally overcome these issues. Let's pray that this will take place sooner rather than later.

    I'm resetting my counter. The last 11 days have been a bit better but I'm still giving too much place to thoughts, peeking, the occasional MO. New month, I want to draw a line in the sand.
     
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Staying productive, loving life. Early days on the new streak.
     
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  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Been trying to post for a couple days now.

    Saturday - hit a real mental and emotional low. The victory was that I didn't PMO. Started to peek at one point but the blockers did what they do and I decided it wasn't worth it to go any further.

    This is where I want to live. For the most part on Saturday, even though I was down, and I peeked that one time, for the rest of the day I didn't want to look at P. I had no desire to PMO, mostly because it just didn't seem worth it. I want this to be the default in my life.

    Sunday - No P, but I did MO late in the day... reset my counter on that, so currently at 1 day.

    Monday - was a public holiday here, which was very helpful. I feel much better after taking the day off.

    I watched Bliss on Prime Video. I enjoyed it. It got me thinking. It's obvious that the movie is about mental illness and drug addiction. Owen Wilson's character needs to choose between two worlds. The world of harsh reality, and the world of escapism into a drug-induced haze of self-delusion. With sensitivity to people experiencing clinical mental illness, isn't this all of us? We all have to choose between going down a rabbit hole of PMO or facing up to the more difficult but also more fulfilling world of reality. The real world is less "perfect" but actually no less beautiful.

    The thing is, I am optimistic about reboot - as I said above, I want the default to be that in the day-to-day, I have no desire whatsoever to go down the rabbit hole. But... I suspect, from reading on the forum, that this might never be the case. The desire will probably always be there in some degree or another. That world of PMO escapism will always be there, calling, in a sense.

    The historical figure that the film "A Beautiful Mind" was based on said that his imaginary friend never left him alone. He had to force himself to ignore those urges and engage with the real world. This might be a more accurate picture of what life is going to look like. The urges will always be there, but, untouched by me. Coexisting with the urges, without ever acting on them. I think I can do that.

    Lately it's been an urge, hopefully without putting ideas in anyone's minds here, to write erotic fiction based on my fetish. I regrettably picked up an idea while browsing a site I've since blocked, and the urge to run with this idea is there all the time, almost every day. I know I could write a "quality" story, better than a lot of the really poor writing out there. I'm hoping as I write this post that I will leave the idea alone. It's fine for the ideas to be in the room with me. But I don't want to ponder them, I don't want to give another minute of time, dwelling on the ideas, padding them out in my mind. I'm hoping that I will continue to report no counter reset, no caving in this area.

    One thing that's really helped, again as I mentioned above, is that I know it will take probably about 6 - 10 hours of my life to begin to commit that to writing. Not worth it. I'd rather invest the time into getting real-world helpful results that have bearing on improving my life, my family's lives, the lives of those around me.
     
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Guys. Brothers. Friends of YBR. I have to reset the counter again.

    Was coming out of it on Monday and Tuesday, but toward the end of Tuesday I hit a bad spiral.

    Con: The worst is, a relapse makes me feel like I owe an apology to those I was encouraging on the forum earlier in the week.

    Pro: Reading some posts here this morning gave me courage to cut the crap and come on and report the relapse. When I get this 40-day streak off the ground (for starters) I want it to reflect as a true clean 40 days on the counter.

    Con: All the obvious cons. I am fully aware binging on this absolute crap is holding my life back, strangling me rather than helping me to thrive.

    Pro: I feel like I am ready to put this to bed. I just need to do it. Some good points on the threads have helped this morning. @Professor Chaos mentioned the age-old WHY question on @BoughtWithBlood 's thread. Why did we leave the password off? Etc, etc. I know it's because I'm tired, a little burned out, feeling a lot overwhelmed. But I know a dozen constructive ways to deal with those. Just gotta do it now. I'm not discouraged.

    Pro: Always worth reminding myself about the ground we've taken. I remember coming on the forum for the first time, realising I was PMOing nightly to fall asleep. Now the pattern is relapse every 20 to 30 days. Lately it's been worse but still a far cry from where we started.

    I will not rest until the pattern is no PMO. I'm not full of shame. I'm also not accepting a lifestyle of behaviour which I don't agree with.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2021
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Your dark hours do not render false the things you said to others in good faith and with kindness. And pretty few among us haven't been there, and when we preach, we understand that we are ourselves always adressing and addressee both.
     
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  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Nice start to the new streak. I find daily check-ins help, first thing in the morning and between 8-10pm. My trigger hours are late night after the family is asleep, or during the morning when I'm overwhelmed at work. It helps to take a pause in those times, remind myself what I'm trying to do here, check out YBR, do some helpful reading, some prayer. Then choose productivity or constructive downtime. Life is just more enjoyable this way.
     
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  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Lots of urging since last post. This also seems like a newly-developed pattern: After coming on YBR and reporting I'm in a good space, urges spike. Could be the old lie of "you're doing well, treat yourself." Anyways just mentioning it here cos I'm serious about building this streak.
     
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Very recognizable indeed!

    Keep up the good work brother.
     
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  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    VERY shaky couple of days. Reset my MO counter on the Iron Will app. Current rank: Scout. No full-blown relapse though. I actually don't feel like I'm in a bad space. But, man, there is a lot of work to get through by the weekend. This is still at the core of my struggles with PMO: I've trained myself to avoid tedious work.

    Confession time. It's this weird lie to myself that goes something like this:
    • Oh man, I don't feel like doing all this work. It just seems like it's too much.
    • I feel like goofing off.
    • But, I shouldn't be playing video games or whatever, I should be working. What if I get caught goofing off when I have all this work to do? I'd feel like an idiot and would be in trouble. (1)
    • Well, if I binge on my fetish instead? What if I get caught? I'd have to confess I have a real problem and I need help. (2)
    • Hey, (2) sounds better to me right now than just (1).
    • So might as well rattle my blockers...
    Holy moley. That was difficult to articulate but it is so telling.

    The thing is, I don't feel like I have a problem or clinical addiction 99% of the time. It really is about avoiding real life, escapism.

    I think the solution is to consistently pick apart the lie, actually the group of lies in the above pattern.

    I want to soldier up, be that guy who is not intimidated by hard work, or even if he is, he is still undeterred. I want some discipline in my life, I'm turning 40 in like 2 months, for God's sake. (I don't mean that in a blasphemous sense, but really, for God's sake, as the One who gave it all for me.)

    On that point, I've been chasing this 40-day streak for a year maybe? Would be great to hit the target before I age out and start a thread in the next age category. Stand with me, guys. Pray with me, brothers.

    This feels like progress. Will keep checking in.
     
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  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Still thinking about what I said in the last post. It's not about being caught, necessarily.

    So another way to articulate the problem, and how I have been mistakenly framing it, is:
    • What does it mean if I goof off instead of handling my responsibilities? It means I probably need a foot up my @$$ and "get back to work".
    • What does it mean if I'm compulsively looking at P instead of handling my responsibilities? It means I likely have a serious problem and I need help.
    And in the moment, in the midst of the pressure, that second result actually feels more bearable than the first. So I go along with P.

    This has been kind of a subconscious line of thought, in the sense that I never fully realised I was thinking along these lines til I tried to put down in writing, here on the forum, what has been tripping me up.

    Hopefully this is a big step forward in dealing with this destructive pattern.
     
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    This has been the most amazing line of thought and I hope a turning point in my struggles with PMO. Still pondering the last 2 posts.

    Choosing PMO in the sense that it means I acknowledge I have a problem and I need help. It means in some kind of twisted sense, my PMO use has been a cry for help - but, one that I hope would not be discovered! Irony, right?

    Random thoughts:
    • Why do I need help? I need help with the general sense of being overwhelmed. Every day. I was reading Reset by David Murray. I'd recommend it to anyone experiencing middle-age exhaustion/burnout. He says we don't wake up one morning and suddenly our lives are loaded with responsibilities. It creeps in slowly over years. Add a wife. Add a kid. Add a mortgage. Add another kid. Add a second line of work to cover the expenses, etc, etc, one day you wake up and you feel like you are living beyond your capacity.
    • PMO has become a crutch to help with the stress. But the harm it does is greater than the short-term benefit it gives us. We know these things well on YBR.
    • Where do I get help then? Do I need to see a specialist? Maybe, and I'm open to that. But, while I think just about everyone can benefit from getting medical and psychological help, I don't think that it's necessary for everyone. We all want a "Yoda". We all want a guru who lives in our cupboard, who we can pull out when we need sage advice, and we want them to swoop in and solve our problems for us. In truth, I think we can all find a mentor - many mentors. We can get good reading on the subject. We can surround ourselves with brothers, even on forums like this one, and hopefully, in the flesh as well. We can draw strength from father figures, even if they are at conferences and in good literature and standing in the pulpit. Every one of us can arm ourselves for victory. Some of us will need specialised intervention, again, I'm open to that. But I kind of feel like I have what I need to overcome this already if I apply it, right now, while the iron is hot, right here in this line of thought.
    • Lastly, Ps. 121. My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. I could write reams on this. I could write about why I, along with the majority of the earth's population in history, believe there is a higher power. About why I, along with the leading religion world-wide, believe it's the living, personal God. And why I believe this cosmic God is interested in who I sleep with. But He doesn't leave me to struggle on my own, He invests in me. I believe it with all my heart, man. I'm convinced I'm going to overcome. There may be more relapses ahead but I'm on the pathway to perfection right now.
    Feeling really strong and empowered right now. We'll get there! Let's go!
     
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