Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Shady, and all, for the support. I'll take the 60 days, you're on. Feeling great so far after a very, very clean 7 days.
     
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  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I don't want to get too graphic and give out any triggers or anything, but my wife and I had a great intimate time last night. A long time coming (for reasons previously mentioned) but worth the wait, I'd say. I've never struggled with full-on PIED, but there have been times before where I was disappointed because I found I had trouble keeping erect in those moments where it counted. Without the P haze, without the guilt of having looked or MO'd a couple days or hours before, I had less trouble. Just a great experience. Far better than what P can offer. Fight the good fight fellas!
     
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Going great guns at this stage. No issues whatsoever. I really feel like I'm in a different and better headspace. Will have to watch the 20-30 day section - the window in which I most often relapse. I think I should log in and post daily at that point. Also I'm going out of town for a couple days which can either help avoid relapse, or bring on a relapse, in my experience. Will aim for the best and let you know.
     
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  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Aha! First pang of unfocussed horniness, here at day 12. Need to keep an eye on this. I think I gotta watch my media/entertainment intake as well...
     
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  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Staying the course.
     
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Doing pretty good all in all, but I did let through one FMO. I'm not happy about it. It seems I have this pattern where I get stuck on one F line of thought and kind of obsess about it until I act out on it after a couple of days. My goal has been not to look at anything, and from that aspect it's been the cleanest streak I have had in years: I have done ZERO peeking. But all the research I have done tells me that infrequent MO, and FMO is not healthy when trying to reboot. I'm not going to reset the counter, I'm not about to have a full-blown relapse now, let's see where it goes from here. I'm in an area with no wifi and I can only connect to internet at certain times of the day but I'll come online to journal when I can.

    Thanks for the likes and support brothers.
     
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    19 Days, going strong.
     
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  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    22 Days, nothing to report! Limited internet access at the moment which helps.
     
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey all. Counter says 28 days.

    Last Friday I let through another FMO. It was brief and I was still happy I had not peeked at anything.

    Saturday I had a long drive home. My mind was going towards the gutter. For a couple of hours I made a deliberate choice not to go there. Got my mind on a better and more productive track. Victorious moment.

    Til last night. First real peek at anything on this whole streak, and I blew it. I think it would best be described as Psubs - MO.

    That's the third strike. But I don't want to reset the counter just yet. I don't know if anyone would disagree with me. This is such a personal mission towards a clean mind, and you have to know yourself. When I was in the pattern of frequent relapses it was at that point where I was consumed by PMO until it pulled me out of my work and steamrolled over all my thoughts, productivity, hours and actions. This wasn't that.

    However I think I need a "no more strikes" mentality. Especially through the next few weeks. I think if I can go for 40 days AND BEYOND without another strike I'm doing good.

    Will report here how that goes.
     
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  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Nope. 30 days on the nose, counter reset. Proper relapse yesterday. Went to that place again of work avoidance, propagating the downward spiral, hours wasted, etc, etc.

    The trigger was getting back from holiday right back into the grind and several things breaking at the same time, requiring my attention, just a lot of fires to put out.

    Positives: That was, I think, the cleanest streak I have had since I started on this. It also felt a bit like hitting rock bottom yesterday, which was good actually. Yet another object lesson (as if I needed it) that PMO (or whatever) is not the answer. It is NOT satisfying, it doesn't help at all. So it forced me to think again about what is the answer to the stress? So I feel like I came through it much better off, with some good handles, and it confirmed some of the good thinking I had been doing. Another positive is coming on here to report it. If I leave it I tend to wallow longer.

    Let's go again, he said, with great disappointment, but also hopeful and intent on getting further this time.

    On vacation I carried on thinking about the scope of the mountains, the ocean, the constant and steadfast characteristics of nature, the sheer size. It reminded me of Whom I trust in. God created the universe out of nothing. He is greater and He is my help. Psalm 121. Nothing is outside of His control. He makes everything happen in the right way at the right time. The mystery is that this divine sovereignty goes hand-in-hand with our genuine decision-making and responsibility to choose wise paths (and the genuine consequences of our actions). But if He is committed to glorifying His own name in me as I believe, He will bring it to pass and nothing will frustrate His plans. I can go along with His greater wisdom and accept the difficulties in front of me.

    Those difficulties are also relatively small. Even some of the guys on this forum are going through much tougher stuff than me.

    Anyway this stuff is hugely encouraging to me - I need to bring it into the actuality of those low moments though. I also need to revisit those key moments where I'm open to triggers, still falling for the same old trash.
     
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great post Rudolf! A big part almost ‘sounded’ poetic. I think there’s really a talent of writing in you :)

    Excellent job on your cleanest streak so far. You’re making serious proces.

    Keep the faith and keep fighting the good fight. You’ve got this!
     
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  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    False start after 4 days on the counter. Chaser effect after a nice time with my wife the night before. Blocked the site du jour, reset the counter, let's go again immediately.
     
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Really regretting that last PMO! Left some unhelpful images in my head. Committed to rebuilding a streak so I'll keep refocussing.
     
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Ah the lingering images, they’re terrible. I found renouncing the things I’ve watched or masturbated to, in prayer. Really helps with images that seem to be stuck in your head. They seem to lose power then.

    Hope this helps! Much strength, brother.
     
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    This streak is getting off the ground well now. While I regret that last PMO, as I mentioned before, the upshot is a sense of disgust when I consider going back to looking at any P.

    So we know just about everything there is to know about why it's better to choose the path of a self-control by now. The trick is to make the right choice IN THE MOMENT. You can put all the necessary precautions in place beforehand, but it's all about that knife-edge moment where you either go along with it or you don't!

    I wish everybody reading this all the goodwill for the right decision in that next make-or-break moment!
     
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Absolutely right. It feels so stupid to take precautions. Make decisions. Etc. And then waste it all in one weak moment.

    happy to hear your streak is going well. Keep it up :)
     
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks bwb, am doing so!
     
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  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

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  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Couple of compulsive MO's lately. I feel like my brain is reaching for old habits 'cos I've removed all avenues to looking at anything. Blocked all troublesome sites on all devices. So glad I did. I was reading on the Pluckeye web page about Odysseus tying himself to the mast of the ship before he reached the sirens so he wouldn't be able to jump to his death. Sometimes I pick up my phone or open a browser to check for something to get me going and quickly realise I'd have to go and undo a whole stack of settings before I could look at anything. Multiple blockers, at device and router level. I could still find something to look at but my particular poison is locked down pretty tight.

    I'm hoping that my brain will "get the message" soon and I'll move on from these patterns. I know urges will always be there but it feels like I'm now moving away from responding to urges as my default.

    We'll see if I'm right soon enough. Keep at it gents.
     
  20. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    What a good reference! All rebooters should read The Odyssey, because we’re exactly like Ulysses at that precise moment in the book.

    When the urges strike in, it’s hard, really hard to resist. I hope the urges will pass soon for you, my friend.
     
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