Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Whisky lover here as well, although I prefer scottish ones.

    Great idea to treat it as a reward.

    Also:
    “This battle needs to be won in the "thought life" first.”

    This is so true!

    Hang in there brother, you’re a great man! One day you’ll find out your actions and behavior follow your identity.
     
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Lousy start to the streak. My mind's been in the toilet. Let one through last night, looked at some stuff I shouldn't have. My only encouragement is, I had an urge to go down that road again tonight, but instead, here I am, doing constructive stuff.

    The real danger is in giving up. In thinking "this is who I am," "I'll never change", "it's too hard to put this behind me." These are lies.

    Yes! The truth corresponding to the above, is "I am rescued from that way of living", "I have taken ground", and... well, actually, maybe it is too hard for me, but "I have help from above".
     
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  3. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey! I'm just starting and it is inspiring to read your honesty and effort, keep it up!!!

    I'd really appreciate any comments on how did it go with telling your wife. I know I would be helped and understood by mine but I feel so awkward. More than ashamed, I just don't want her to worry. We have enough in our plate right now. Maybe I can just do it on my own? Or has it been absolutely necessary?
     
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Very productive work day. VERY good as far as most Mondays go. I'm a happy dude when I'm working well, even if everything isn't all sorted, as long as I'm doing my part, I'm happy.

    This is also the lie, that PMO is a help to me, when actually it takes me in the opposite direction, makes me unproductive and gets me down.

    Oh, man, Snail. Big subject. We had some pre-marital counselling which I highly recommend. In that process I told her, "look, this is something that I have battled with in the past and still battle with". It was hard for her to hear. The questions it raises for a woman are, "why am I not good enough?" and "how can I compete with that?" My answers to that are, actually you're better than that, because you're real, you're here, you're committed to me, you actually care for me, you fulfil me in a way I was designed to be fulfilled, relationally and sexually. The truth is actually that P can't compete with a real relationship.

    The counter is "So why then do you continue to look at porn?" It helps for her to be aware of my ingrained habits, and some of the neuro-science behind it. This can NEVER be a cop-out which allows a loophole for us men to happily continue with looking at P.

    So this can be quite a mine field. I think the best is for you both to have a chance to say how this issue makes you feel, and both try to understand the other's point of view, remembering that you do in fact love one another and want to remain committed to one another. My wife must know I'm willing to fight for her, to make adjustments for her cos she's worth it.

    The most devastating times in my life have been those 2 or 3 times when she caught on that I was still looking at P over the course of our marriage, and trying to hide it from her. My man, it's not worth it. (What crushes me is that I still continue to relapse too often. Even as I write this it is so painful to come to terms with. This is so high on my motivations to change.)

    On the other hand, what has been so, so helpful were those many times when I could say, "hey love, please stand with me, I'm feeling strong urges to look at some trash online, and I don't want to." Even this is not fun for us both - it sucks to confess to her something of a weakness of mine, and also it raises those same insecurities in her. But done with openness and much reassurance it really helps me when she is supporting me, praying with me.

    The thing about sex in marriage is that it's not "on demand". This is another lie of P and MO that sucks us in - every time I have an urge P says, "I can provide for that." But the cost is too great. Sex in marriage is supposed to be a demonstration of love, commitment and exclusivity, that's greater than our flaws. It is part of a life you are building together with careers, family, hobbies, interests, friends, church. So there will be times where some days or even weeks go by without sex (add kids in the mix and it gets even harder to make time for it). It is something to always fight for, to plan for. I don't want to use sex as a weapon against her to make her feel bad when she is too tired because she has been looking after my kids all day. So we mutually agree to a time, or on the other hand, to a limited delay. I would urge against leaving it too long tho. Sometimes just a "quickie" or even an HJ can take the edge off and she is very happy to oblige. But I try not to hold her to that at any time... I feel like this is unfair and unloving. She's even told me she's fine with me MO'ing if I'm not hiding it from her... I don't like to take her up on this though, I would much rather have intimate times together with her.

    Oh, man - I talk a good game but I still fall so far short of this stuff. Far too many relapses! It's honestly enough screwing around now. Thanks for asking, Snail, going through this has given me new motivation to beat my previous streak and keep going.

    I would recommend hanging on for the right time to communicate. When she is relaxed, maybe after you've taken her on a date, or when you've had some time to chill together after work. If it's going to be an ongoing thing, you don't want to risk being caught in the act or whatever. This is far more devastating than if you get the opportunity to tell her up front. We think we are so clever and we can hide it from our wives but they're not stupid, it's only a matter of time til something is found out.

    But I can't advise you on this. You know how "deep" you are into your struggles, and you know your wife, I don't. I wouldn't recommend going into all the gory details. There are times when I'm urging when I should tell her and I don't... there are also times when I'm urging and I don't tell her, and I think that this is right, based on what she is battling with or struggling through at the time, if I can find other ways to abstain.

    I hope this is helpful and I really hope it goes well with your marriage. I would hate for this to drive a wedge between the two of you in any way. I guess the best thing for you and me both would be just to stop... right now! Right? But is that realistic in your situation? All the best, and again, I hope you can make the wise and right decision.
     
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  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Day 4 still. Urging again, so here I am again, committing to better things & trying to stay positive & productive. Thanks for the interaction fellas, it's keeping me going on this new streak.
     
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  6. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member


    RG, you are the best!!! I feel like reading a good old friend, thank you for your detailed experience and explanation, it helps me think on how to approach it and when more securely and the problems that might arise. You hit it, I'd rather tell her before she finds out but now that I'm trying not to, I'll only tell her if I fall again or if she ever finds out tell her this WAS a problem :) When new weds she accidentally saw pictures of naked women on my phone and was sad about it. We had a little fight that I didn't manage very well. That has been it so that's why I'm having trouble approaching. Hopefully it would not be necessary but I like your recommendation about letting each other know how we feel about it. Or better, lets stop this nonsense right now !!!
     
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hope it's helpful, like I said, @Snail333. Every other mistake we make in life can be fairly easily rectified, even relating to jobs, property etc. But you don't want to take chances with your marriage. You want to make sure. Let's not lie to ourselves, let's put some real effort into dealing with this area of P thoroughly.

    Still in the wars here, fellas. The urges are just about always there at the moment. Will keep checking in.
     
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  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Lousy night last night, just short of a relapse. Back on track this morning. Crushing workload, trying to keep my head above water.

    Edit: I am shocked at how mechanical that was, last night. Found myself opening browsers without even intending to/thinking. There's something to be said for mindfulness/living in the moment, being aware of the moment. Doesn't help to be physically tired either, makes you more vulnerable. The first step is acknowledging the weak spot so you can begin to plug it.

    Plus side - my morning routines are vastly improved over the last week. Ready to start adding in the next good habit.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2021
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  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey Rudolf, I hope you’re doing alright.

    I’ve listened to some great sermons lately which have helped me and I wanted to share it with you. I know how bad you want to be free so I hope this helps you.

    1: Don’t try to fight lust, flee it. Never in the bible are we called to fight, we’re called to flee adultary like Joseph did.

    2: The fear of the Lord helps us to stay pure. It is the beginning of wisdom. Fear of the lord does not mean to be afraid or in terror, for there is no fear in love and perfect love casts out all fear. But the fear of the Lord is like a deep respect, being in awe of Him, a reverence.

    3: Choose. Do you want to live in the world, or in the kingdom of God? A lukewarm christian can not enjoy the full joy of the gospel because there is too much of the world in him. He can not enjoy the pleasure of sin either because there is too much God in him. Either be hot, or be cold.

    4: Don’t be focused on not-looking at or not-thinking about lust or porn. Be focused on God. When you live close to Him, there’s simply no place in your heart for those things. A day without God is still sin (sin literally means missing your goal) so count the days your close to God rather than the days abstaining from lust.

    I felt like sharing this with you and I hope it does not come across as rude. I don’t want to act like a know-it-all and tell you what to do while I’m still stumbling so often myself. I hope you know this comes from a place of love and that I want to see you succeed in every area of your life.

    Have a blessed day brother!
     
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  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey @BoughtWithBlood thanks for that. I like the points especially point 4.

    I can totally relate. I don't take it with any offence whatsoever. I hear you.

    ---

    My evening routines are not working. Still falling in the trap. This is very demotivating, about a year since I started journalling here. I still need better ways to deal with stress (best way I can think relates to that point #4), and also to avoid falling for the same old triggers at night. I'm going to go ahead and reset my counter (at 8 days - still an encouragement in that when I started PMO was pretty much a daily exercise) and implement a new evening routine. I have mentioned this issue of falling for the same triggers in the evenings before, I'll have to tackle it with some intentionality, again. If I keep on stumbling through the same sequence each eve, I'm never going to create any distance and give my systems time to recover from these bad habits. I'll keep posting here how it's going.
     
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  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    So far so good!
     
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  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Been pondering past relapses. What is it that makes us so mechanical in returning to a poisonous habit? How does one stay mindful in the moment of the urge and not go along with those ingrained neurological pathways?

    I feel like this is the number one cause for relapse. If I'm honest with myself I hear the voice telling me not to go along with an urge about 50% of the time (and I still ignore it too often). But what about those times when it doesn't even occur to me to not open a browser when I'm urging?

    How do the guys with the success stories beat that crucial moment of going along with an urge? (I did read about identifying triggers and providing for that with the building of routine responses to those triggers. Which I have tried without lasting success.) I can tell myself the right way to respond a thousand times but unless I tell myself in that moment, I'll get stuck there all over again. What is the solution? Any other thoughts from you reading this?
     
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  13. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    This might sound weird, and may not apply to you, but I swear it’s true. From the moment I discovered YBOP and the recovery forums, I didn’t have a single urge. I’m really glad about it, because staying away from porn has been pretty easy so far. So for me, what made the difference was to have a mind shift. Before to experience this mind shift, anytime I had an urge, I would give in. Today, watching porn almost seems inconceivable to me. It’s not an option, because it would literally mean I’m destroying myself. I have ED, though, so it could be different for someone who doesn’t have ED. My desire to heal from ED has been the greatest help in that process.
     
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  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    well written out, I have the absolute same thing. When thinking about my longer streaks of a couple years back there were two things that helped me
    1: like Bilbo I had pretty bad ED. That was a great motivator. Nowadays I don’t really have that anymore so that motivator doesn’t work anymorw
    2: Thinking about it, I often did an internet/entertainment fast for at least a month: to avoid those subtle triggers and sliding down on the path of temptation
    3: repeating to myself every morning who I am and that I’m not going to look at porn that day.

    I should put those points in practice again myself.
     
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    7 days again wow. Thinking about the last relapses again has led me to another Reason not to Fap:

    Reason #37) Because P subs MO has just become so increasingly disappointing. I try to chase down that real high that I used to get and I find that PMO just can't provide it. This is the "blessing and the curse" of the law of diminishing returns - it leads us to go more hardcore and waste more and more time looking for "better" images, but, if the blockers are in place etc., PMO just seems more and more and more time consuming, disappointing, and not worth it. The fact is, the best place to develop and chase after that sexual high is with my wife. And yes, it may take more effort and require more input for what seems at times like a lesser high, but a. it's far better than following the diminishing highs of illegitimate O's, b. every so often with REAL sex there is that mind-blowing orgasm, again, far better than the illegitimate alternative, and c. it is developing, improving and deepening my relationship with my wife and the glue that holds our marriage together (exclusive sex).
     
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  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse in my own experience, it's all about distractions. I never leave it to willpower, because I eventually give in.
    I don't let myself reach the point where I have to fight this.
     
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Shady please... tell me more! I like what you're saying, but how, practically do you do that? What does it look like?
     
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  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Stay busy!
    Leisure time is your enemy.
    If you're distracted, you won't get urges or you'll have them but they'll feel like a distant memory.
    If they're distant, then their influence is weak. That's when it's easy to resist or ignore them.
    On the other hand, if you're not distracted, they'll be so strong and you'll have to face their full force. That's when it's difficult to fight them off that's when you can relapse.

    Distractions can be work or sports or anything you like to do.

    When you get these urges, go distract yourself.

    I admit it's not easy all the time, but most of the time it is.

    Distractions are not always enough, but most of the time, they get the job done.
     
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Shady Thanks for the excellent note.

    Fought with them urges all morning. Opened up some tabs... but... I ended up not allowing through, no P or MO. Relief.

    I realise I'm exhausted again. After last year I said I would commit to taking regular holiday times... but... My situation once again has forced me to postpone it.

    Being more aware of this helps me to focus down on what I have to do until I get that time out. Staying busy. Treating leisure time as enemy territory so I'll be on guard. I'm pretty good at scheduling quality rest time in my week, I must stick to that or I'll burn out properly. Quality rest time means resting the way I should, NOT with PMO.

    I want to get through May on this streak. (For starters, of course.)
     
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  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    May you find success. :3

    Just out of curiosity, the strain you are under, was pmo ever an effective way of dealing with it? Or did it end up exhausting you more? Smoking, for me, while a hilariously bad habit always helped me regulate. Not sure I have fully replaced it yet.
     
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