Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Tired, a little overwhelmed, but hanging in there. Don't know how I'm going to get through all my tasks but just trying to stay productive and rest well when I can.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Far too close to relapse for comfort. Went on and checked for some images. I've blocked everything well, so it's not easy to find my poison, but some "soft" images / P subs can slip through.

    I feel like I'm back on the horse but ai! Can't allow this behaviour, it's back steps on a very solid streak.
    Shady and MrDalloway like this.
  3. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Blocking is the right thing to do. Sometimes willpower is just not enough.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Too much time in the enemy camp. If I keep indulging in fantasy or exposing myself to porn substitutes I'm going to relapse in a matter of days. I am trying to put more focus into that time of day which seems to trigger my wandering into F / P subs. It's normally when I have a break in the evenings and I have after hours work. In that moment my brain says, "Or... you could do this instead" and I'm off into bad habits. I've been trying to visualise a better sequence: kids bedtime - time with the wife - say goodnight - get work done - constructive reward - sleep (or leaving out the reward if I'm too tired at that stage, in which case sleep IS the reward). The danger comes right after saying goodnight to my wife, so, that will have to be a moment of focus and "just getting started" on my tasks. I'll let you know how it's going.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Last night was good, I stuck to the plan above and was totally clean. I had another strong urge just before sleep but dealt with it in the right way.
    Shady and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    So what works better for you is being aware of the weakest moment during your day, and bracing yourself for impact?

    Also, there seem to be different times of day to different guys. For me it's the early mornings. (And it used to be not getting out of bed proper but I stopped that behaviour.) For you it seems evening and night time.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Yah, look, I'm still up and down.

    High point: last night. Same pressure, same tiredness, same urges... but I didn't follow the urge. Carried on with other constructive downtime, went to bed. It was great actually, I want this to be the default and the urges hopefully to decrease some, over time, as the reboot takes hold.

    Low: I've all but relapsed. Over the last week or so I've spent some time looking for P subs etc. I want to do better on the next cycle. I may reset the counter with adjusted goals. Otherwise I can't see myself properly rebooting at all.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Fairly solid since the last time I checked in here.
    Shady likes this.
  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Proper relapse. Spent the whole weekend making room to indulge and now "I feel like a sack of dicks". Only positive is the streak counter said 26 days at reset, better than most streaks lately. I really want to take a clean break and beat my best streak (around 40 days I think). I'm going to need to be intentional to get there.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Strong start to the new streak, a couple of urges dismissed straight away.

    Here's how I want to build my life in this season:

    Foundation: My core values, my walk with God.
    Lv.1: Integrity - Build my streak, block avenues to PMO, track my work hours and prioritise good rest as well.
    Lv.2: Wake up routine - which will require a solid bed time routine as well.
    Lv.3: Urgent tasks - I've already looked at some better ways to structure my week to deal with this point. Most of my stress comes from tasks piling up. Hours spent on PMO makes this much worse.
    Lv.4: Exercise - 3 to 4 sessions a week of running and weight/mobility exercises.
    Lv.5: Family Time
    Lv. 6: Caffeine intake

    I feel if I jump in and try to sort all of these at once it will be too much, so I'm focussing on building these in 1-2 at a time. There is good sense to me in tackling these in this order. I've been here before but already I feel primed to do much better and I'm seeing good results.
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2021
    MrDalloway and NewStart19 like this.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    What, no likes? Come on guys, where's my good dopamine hits? ;):D Lol

    Edit: Thanks @NewStart19 Lol again.
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2021
    NewStart19 likes this.
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member


    1. decisive or critical, especially in the success or failure of something.
    What we are tackling here is crucial, brothers.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Can you guys see the streak counter? It's not displaying on my end.

    April 1. I still really really want a solid streak. Still spending too much time on P subs and have MO'd at other times... my behaviour still doesn't fit my previous definition of "relapse" but it's too doggone close.

    I'm going to go ahead and reset the counter and start a new streak with "Meeting my goals" defined as this:

    NO intentional looking at any images for the purposes of sexual stimulation.

    That right there, seems like I'm not going to win straight away. This is a big step. Probably will have some counter resets in the near future. But if I'm going to carry on I think this is the only way to progress. The definition has been too loose up til this point. I'm going to tackle it seriously and intentionally.

    I appreciate all support, good materials to read.

    @Yet_not_I your posts have seriously messed with my way of thinking. Thanks for that, it's good. Christ and the Cross. Good Friday tomorrow, what could be better to focus on over this time and always?
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    April 2. So far so good.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I didn't realise how much I'd slidden into being quite alright with regularly browsing dodgy sites. Not actual porn sites, all of those are blocked, but borderline. Now that I've taken a hard line against it I'm seeing it had become a habit, almost every day. Damn.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    April 3. Some urges but all in all a very solid first couple of days on this new streak & new tactic. My trigger was later on after the family has gone to bed & I have work to do. I've now started to take some minutes right in that crucial point to pray and set myself up for what I need to do, not fall into the avoidance trap, etc.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    April 5. It is so hard to work. Which, actually, is great. Previously I would turn to dodgy images as a distraction and to feel good (for a couple of minutes, then feel worse). Now I'm right up against it, with no "crutches". I see it as such a positive experience. I remember reading a success story where the guy was so cranky and irritable as part of the recovery process. I'm actually enjoying the hardship because it feels like progress. Still early days though.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    April 6. Serious resistance. Trying to stay on track. I'll do some reading on and off this forum. Also blocked a major avenue (site) I was using for porn subs.

    This week I'm tackling wake-up routines, trying to get up at the same time every day. So far so good, was a great start to the day actually.

    Reason #36) Use of Porn = Substitute for hiring a prostitute? Was reading @NewStart19 's notes on The Porn Myth, and when it started talking about pornographic materials as a substitute for prostitutes... dear Lord! I am personally morally opposed to the use of a prostitute in general and in my marriage in particular... to equate the two is an indictment on my own porn use. But isn't that pretty much what we're doing when we use P? Never again, man.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2021
    Shady and NewStart19 like this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    April 8. Big relapse. I'm going to try to bounce back as quickly as I can. I somehow got a particular fetish/image in my head and started kind of obsessing over it... I ended up looking for a visually similar image online and since I couldn't find it, I ended up spending hours on the bloody thing. With eventual MO yesterday.

    This battle needs to be won in the "thought life" first. If I see that pattern/situation above shaping again, I need to more proactively deal with it. Intentionally and with finality.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I like having an Irish whiskey on the rocks. I don't have a problem with overindulging or getting drunk, never have. But I think if I'm honest it does knock my productivity and leave me open to wandering into PMO territory.

    Solution: I'm going to use this as a reward when I have finished my tasks and stayed P-free, rather than using it on break before I start working in the evening (on those evenings when I have to work). I'll journal and let you know how it goes.
    Shady, BoughtWithBlood and NewStart19 like this.

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