Let's go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rudolf Geyse, Dec 30, 2019.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I've fought this for too long... I don't know, 20 years on and off? I'd like to commit to journaling for 90 days. I've already taken a lot of ground in terms of setting up filtering software to lock me out of looking at porn, and so the urges have led me largely to elaborate fantasies in my own head, relating to my particular fetish. Ugh, it's awful to say this stuff out loud, right? But it's more awful to cover it up... putting it out there, even if it is a terrible experience, is part of disillusionment, and disillusionment is always good... The thought that I have had this under control is a destructive illusion. To try to somehow justify time spent on porn is the illusion! In this season I want to face up to the illusions and put this behind me. Put porn in the past. Put those neural pathways to death!

    If anyone will follow this, stay tuned, you'll hopefully hear from me regularly, and maybe my rambling experience can help someone in the community... if no-one is reading that's also cool, I'm doing this not to be read, but as another intentional step to rebalance my brain. That's my goal.
    Merton and axebattler like this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    So far, so good. I'm amazed at how helpful it is to publicly post this journal. The urges are constantly there at this point. I have triggers just about every time I watch tv or see an attractive woman. At least 5 times a day I catch myself thinking along the old lines of satisfying those urges. To know that I've committed to posting here regularly helps me in terms of:
    • Some kind of accountability. I have been accountable with this to my wife (yes, I'm married - I might write more on this later) and to friends and people I look up to, but I didn't always find this kind of accountability so helpful. Either I have been put off by the lack of support I have received from various accountability partners, or maybe they've been too forgiving. All fingers pointed at myself though, the buck stops with me, so I'm sure I haven't been perfect in the way I've confided in these people whom I value and appreciate. But, just committing to these simple posts on this forum has been huge.
    • Knowing that I have to post this, on a public forum, helps me to want to do the right thing. To say to whoever might read this from now til who-knows-when in the future, "hey, I did it - I beat this thing. I rewired my brain from the most awful destructive patterns." It even helps to see that someone has read and liked the post: thanks, @axebattler. (It's enough to convince me to spend some time encouraging the other guys on here as well.)
    • For me, when it comes to creating hurdles in my path, that make it difficult to go straight to PMO (or just MO): I find quantity is key. I have to place lots of hurdles in my path. Filters, blockers, accross multiple browsers and devices, OpenDNS on multiple networks. That's because there is a way around each hurdle if you are obsessing enough. So the more hurdles I place in my path when I'm feeling strong, the harder it is for me to cave when I'm urging. And so, the commitment to post here has just been one more helpful hurdle to PMO.
    That's enough for now. Happy new year. See you in a few.
    Sebs, Living and axebattler like this.
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hot tamale! The urges have been strong, I'd say stronger than in the past when I took breaks from PMO. I think because I'm taking a more principled stand. Hanging in there though
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Observation: The thing about leading a double life is that when people are trying to encourage me, I disregard it because I know the truth. You can say I'm a great person and I'm being too hard on myself, but I know that I've spent countless hours pursuing an addiction when I should have been doing legitimate activities. So I feel like a turd, and when people try to help me out of that place it falls on my deaf ears.

    It's just not worth it, friends. Let's live in the truth.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Welp, I blew it. PMO. Following on from the Universal Man tips on how to journal (this guy has some helpful stuff), here are some of the lies that I bought into at the time:

    Lie #1: I'm doing well, let me indulge as a reward.
    Truth: You want to reward yourself for abstaining from poison by feeding yourself poison???

    Lie #2: It'll only take a minute.
    Truth: It opened me up to thought processes that ate up hours and hours.

    Lie #3: You'll feel better for it.
    Truth: Ha!

    What's encouraging is that I'm ready to admit it in this space, where in the past I would have kept it going on for longer and longer without addressing it, resetting the counter etc.

    I'm going to move to the 40+ age group in a matter of months. I'd love to recommit to leaving this group with a clean streak. That's going to be awesome.
    Ccman123 and Merton like this.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I bought into these lies lots of times before, too (especially number 2).

    The good news is, you are aware of it now and that gives you a chance to counteract the lies next time your brain is starting to tell them.

    Good luck on leaving us with a clean streak!
    Wolf333, Merton and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @&#$! PMO last night.

    This process has shown me the depth of the problem again, and just why I'm fighting this battle all over again here... as I said before, in the 20-odd years(!) I have battled with PMO, there were times when I seemed to easily abstain for, I don't know, months at a time? So it is hitting me - the fact that I have fallen off the wagon twice in the space of a couple of weeks. Gah!

    I think the lie I bought into last night was something of the "last supper syndrome" (just-one-more-hit syndrome)... I thought, ok, let me just check out this site I found before I quit completely.

    Not worth it! As I understand from YBOP, that kind of indulgence is absolutely detrimental to what I'm trying to achieve here. I'm kidding myself if I think exposure to the addiction cycle is going to help get the monkey off my back. To tell it like it really is, I am only hurting myself, my clients and especially my family by putting hurdles in the pathway to providing for them.

    Little bit stressed out by the amount of work on my plate... and once again, the truth is that spending hours on PMO instead of sleeping only makes the problem worse.

    Thank God there is still time to fix it... but I feel like I am on the knife-edge now. There's no time to waste anymore. That's going to cause further stress over the next days so I am going to have to watch for triggers.

    ***Religious disclaimer: I'll state this if I have anything to say with a spiritual/religious bent so those of you who aren't interested can skip it...*** If any of you who see this are believers in Christ, please pray for me, I'd really appreciate that.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    The man I want to be is disciplined, focused. He provides for his family. He isn't taken in by shallow, temporary pleasures. He enjoys so many aspects of life and relationships. He is in shape. He studies. He is hardworking, diligent. He loves his wife. He is a rock. He is there for those around him. He laughs often and plays his music loud. He makes time for his kids. He goes out of his way to help those he knows are battling in life.

    ***Religious disclaimer*** The man I want to be is Christlike. He is the perfect example.

    Let's go!
    chickendinner22 likes this.
  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    This feels like a fight for my life at the moment... I see that after hours the issue is PMO due to ingrained triggers/urges, but during office hours I have a work avoidance issue because of stress, feeling overwhelmed, and fear. This leads to wasted office hours at best and more PMO at worst. What will help is renewing my mind, facing it, understanding triggers (needs extra attention when the chaser kicks in and after 3 days, 7 days... it's a daily thing) and also regular exercise (if I'm fitter I'll have more energy to tackle the workload and erode fear and feeling overwhelmed through facing it head-on).
  10. ChangeBetter

    ChangeBetter New Member

    Keep doing something can avoid PMO.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    ...and then there are days where it's no issue whatsoever. And it's like, oh yah, I was battling with this thing earlier! Don't let your guard down!
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    As of today, the 23rd Jan, I have relapsed twice this month. But the positive is that I've gone from a situation where I was using PMO, or at least MO, before falling asleep almost nightly to a situation where I've given in to that only a very few times this month. I'd say 80% of my days I'd be wasting time on PMO previously - this month looks to be coming out at about 20%. I'm celebrating the improvement. Amped to have a fully clean slate next month - it's in reach.
    Merton and axebattler like this.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Woo! The counter says 18 days.

    Was a successful January in that I:

    - Got intentional about removing this addiction from my life
    - Avoided the destructive pattern of throwing hours and hours into this habit
    - Had my productivity way up

    For February I need to tackle:

    - Less looking for P subs. I didn't really see much harm in this "sub-habit" until I spent some time on the forums and YBOP and I agree it's just not helpful for what I'm trying to do here.
    - While I don't consider my behavior in Jan a relapse, I do feel like I'm too close to the edge and need to create some more distance from potential PMO or P-subs-MO.
    - I'd also like to put down some more journal thoughts about my comprehensive plan for overcoming PMO & what's worked for me. Might help someone? Dunno.

    Let's go! Keep at it gents, the world is a better place each time one of us stays the course!
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Oh man. I have to reset the counter at 29 days. I have to face up to calling this week a relapse. But, 29 days is a victory. Looking forward to a clean start, and building far beyond the first month.

    The relapse was owing to several days of tiredness and pressure, and some disciplines being too relaxed. I'll look out for that next time around...
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thank you sir. Appreciate the encouragement
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    29 days is huge rudolf! keep at it and keep posting.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for the encouragement gents. Yes, if I see it as building on something longer term, I am in a much more positive space so it's good to keep these things in mind.

    The counter is more for my benefit - the goal is obviously to reboot to the point where I'm free from this repetitive & destructive habitual behaviour, and I'd like to see how I'm doing at those monthly milestones. But 2020 is looking much better already.

    Having said that, I have to report a false start. I spent the last couple of nights sacrificing sleep to explore a couple of sites I discovered just before starting this process. I don't know why I did it? I think it's what I call "last supper" syndrome, that is, "let me have a look at this again before I quit". Which is lying to myself - it prolongs the torture of this mess which I'm trying to escape, and hampers my productivity and confidence the next couple of days. Maybe another factor is the chaser effect from the previous relapse a few days before, as well.

    It is a bummer to write this up, but that's good for driving home the weight of what it means to slip up, and reminding myself that it's not worth it before moving on.

    In any case, I'm properly back on the wagon. Have a good day all.
    Living and Pete McVries like this.
  18. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Well done on progress so far. It's been years since I went 29 days without PMO.
    Good on you for reporting the False start. I find if I don't report a relapse here, I'm more likely to repeat it.
    axebattler and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that.

    Isn't the psychology of all this amazing. It's good that you know yourself, so you can work on it right? Thanks for the encouragement.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Noticed an interesting trend... I'm a bit of a gamer. Mainly mobile, some COD and PUBG when I have time. Was playing and went to a loading screen after a successful mulitplayer match. In that moment I noticed I was feeling a strong urge toward the physical motion of M. I've noticed a connection between gaming and PMO in the past but I thought it was owing to triggers from female characters or NPC's in the game (eg. ring girls in UFC games). Not so in COD - there are no attractive female avatars or anything of the sort.

    Fortunately, I was far from actually seeking out O so no slips. I was just surprised by the physical motion of my actual arm. Powerful stuff, this dopamine-loop-prefrontal-cortex-hampering stuff.

    I can make sense of it - gaming is strong sensory stimulation / arousal, as is PM, so there is a strong link in the dopamine loop between gaming and the brain trying to shoot straight for the release of PMO. In both types of arousal (gaming and looking at P and edging), there is an interplay between the thrill and the frustration, a period of time with ups and downs, taking you closer to the desired end goal. The brain has learned to enjoy this because it knows that O is coming so the payoff is worth it. So now when I'm gaming, it seems my brain is falling onto that neural pathway/dopamine loop that is anticipating O, and sending strong impulses that will help the process along.

    I haven't read this in a study or anything, I'm just putting it together. Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone know any good threads/articles to read on the subject? I see there's a whole forum for gaming addiction, I might dip in there when I have time and see if there is anything related to this.
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020

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