Let the Reboot Begin...

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by JacksRevenge, Dec 10, 2017.

  1. JacksRevenge

    JacksRevenge New Member

    Hey guys, I'm new here.
    My story with PMO is extensive so I'll try and be brief. I think I was truly exposed to it all around the age of 14 but I remember being even younger and having some crazy thoughts. I think my longest streak without PMO since then might have been a few days here and there. And now, I am 30 years old. For YEARS I have tried to quit but nothing has ever worked. I grew up in a rural small town in the deep south. Think "belt-buckle" of the Bible belt and was always taught that if you bring your burden's to God then He can help you. (Not to mention I was also taught that PMO was an abomination and you'd go to hell for even looking at the stuff.) After years of praying and begging this God to forgive me and take this all away, I kept going back. Sometimes, I would get urges, quickly pray and ask him to take it away, then 5 minutes later the urge would be right back in and before I knew it, I'd be watching and rubbing. It is for this reason that I started doubting and questioning everything about my faith I had growing up. And honestly, now, I'm not sure where I am with that faith.
    I've been married for 4 years now and we have two daughters, under the age of two. With each major event (getting married, having each daughter) I would tell myself "Alright, this is the event that will make me quit." But... of course, it keeps coming back. I stumbled upon YBOP and YBR right after we got married because I was having some ED while my wife and I were... doing our thing. I started wondering if the P/M had anything to do with my ED... boy was I surprised! Four years later and I'm having to make sure I don't have any P/M for a few days before my wife and I have sex. So now, I'm sick and tired of it quite frankly. This is my coming out journal and finally trying to take a stand and put it behind me.
    Here I am, Day 7. My wife and I were intimate last night and it was great! For the last two nights I've had some dreams and the urges have been very real the last two mornings. Even now... even after last night. So I thought it best to go ahead and create an account and share my journey. Good luck to everyone (myself included). I'll update every once in awhile to see how I'm doing.
    Thanks!
     
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome and good luck :)
     
  3. JacksRevenge

    JacksRevenge New Member

    I honestly thought I'd write more. My days are quite busy. A typical day for me is to wake up at 5 a.m. and do a little bit of work from home, then actually go to work around 8. Home by 5:30, cook dinner with my wife, give kids a bath, watch tv with my wife, then finally in bed roughly around 1o or so. Living with a family all under one roof does make it easier for no PMO. But, I'm pretty creative and had come up with ways of watching P – For instance, if I can get to the bathroom to take my morning shower while no one else is there, I would quickly watch a clip right before I entered the shower and... have a quick M session in the shower. The worst was in bed while my wife was asleep. She falls asleep pretty easily and quite quickly – so as she fell asleep I'd grab my phone, turn down the volume and very discretely do my business. Also, we have a king size bed and it was very easy to hide under the covers. It's the worst feeling in the world guys – my wife is laying right there beside me and I'm over here jerking into a sock... it's so depressing. And I never sleep good after I do it.
    But... here we are at day 15 with no PMO! I honestly thought I'd cave in by now. I have had some pretty bad thoughts when I see some other pretty women, but I'm hopeful that in time I can get ahold of the thoughts and cover those tracks. I also thought I had experienced some form of flatlining the other day. I was super tired, didn't sleep very well and I actually tried putting some of those thoughts into my head to see if I could get aroused (because I thought I might be there at the flatline) and sure enough... I was pretty disinterested. But, as of right now, I feel pretty good. I'm hopeful. And that's how we have to stay – hopeful.
    Here's to many more days of rebooting!
    Thanks!
     
    cjm likes this.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hi! Have you considered telling your wife about your troubles? That thing living right next to someone yet not telling them about this problem seems to be an easy way of adding tons of shame to an already complicated problem. Or do you think she'd rip your head off if you told her, so to speak?
     
  5. JacksRevenge

    JacksRevenge New Member

    Thanks for the suggestion, and yes, I have considered telling my wife. I’ve considered telling her everything and that’s as far as I’ve gotten. I’ve actually told her about it before back after we first got married. I was experiencing some ED and I had an idea that my addiction was causing it (refer to original post). I told her a little bit of it then. I’m not sure how but... it’s as if she’s forgotten. Almost like, when a person experiences a traumatic event and their brain makes them forget it.
    As time has went on, I slipped back into PMO almost every other day and this is where I am now.
    Not that she would rip my head off but, if I talk to her about it again, it would destroy us. Our marriage, our children... our families, our life. I understand to some men, this is the only way. It’s the only way they will save themselves, but not for me. I can’t destroy that much. So I’m taking this journey one day / one step at a time.
    I’m at day 18 and I was feeling some pretty big urges all day yesterday. Just so happen that we had some intimate time last night and boy was it satisfing.
    An honest thank you for your suggestion and concern. Here’s to taking this journey one step at a time!
     
  6. JacksRevenge

    JacksRevenge New Member

    20 Days... that’s probably the longest I’ve gone without PMO and it felt great. But, I relapsed and binged over the holiday... I’m ready to start again! So, here we go! Tomorrow will be Day 1!
     

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