My name is Faz 25 years of old/ i have been addicted to pornography since 14 years. Now i lost my focus, ability to study and severely suffering from social anxiety. I need an accountability partner to start this journey. please help me. let us support each other to over come this addiction. I have already done a lot of research on this topic so let's share our life lessons and experience to support each other. Please find the attached file created by me. please comment your suggestions
1.Who are you? I am a 22 year old guy. I accidentally discovered masturbation when I was 13 and my pennis got erect while sleeping. I once came across a random advt on internet while doing my social science project of a women with some seducing pose and it got erect and I tried to touch my pennis and felt pleasure and I rubbed it until I ejaculated. Soon I started to masturbate atleast 2-3 times a week. My holidays came and the habit intensified. Holiday went away and I would reduce but soon I was addicted to matsurbation when I would do it everyday after I came back from school. I would be very excited to do so every day and would rush home to just do the act. Then laptop came into my house and so did the internet and I started secretly watching those images which I saw when I did my project. Sooner images turned into videos. By this time I turned 16 years. I would pmo some 3-4 times a day on avg and sometimes even 5-6 times And I would watch multiple videos even after ejaculating once. I was an addict. When things went bad I would pmo. When things went good I would pmo. I would do it at any cost before going to sleep. I have wrecked my college life with pmo. Despite of developing an extrovert nature after a lot of efforts I ended up doing pmo and again became socially afraid. I have got a prematurely aged face. My head has gone bald. I have lost significant amount of weight from my buttocks. They have sunken in like my cheeks. I cannot sleep without clonazepam( xanax) . I have insomnia now. I have physically become weak. The last time I watched porn I ejaculated within 30 secs. My ejaculate was thin. I had this aspiration of going into civil service( govt service) from my school days I feel with so much pains I can't even concentrate studying. I have pains in my back due to excessive masturbation. My bones make loud noise if I do some physical task. Sometimes they even pain. I have erectile dysfunction as well. I have sunken eyes. And I remain tired most of the day. My chest pains if I sit in a position for more than 20 mins doctor said it's costochondritis. My stomach is always upset. Despite of having a bowel I feel I did not have a complete bowel moment. I have bad farts too often. I cannot run because my knees pain and my heart races like anything. I graduated in 2019 had a job in customer service for 50 days before I quit because I was not able to concentrate and have anxiety about my addiction. Though I was 120 days clean during those days. After my graduation higher studies would have been an option but due to this low focus and tiredness I feel I cannot even do that. During my final year of graduation also I could hardly concentrate in class and would have terrible time writing my exams. I was top performing student in my high school but it situation is quite opposite now. moving to another country was always an option that I looked upto but with so much tiredness insomnia how would I even manage a part time job to cover up my expenses in a new country. I feel pmo has left me behind compared to my peers . And that I have lost my prime years. I always want to live life like I did in high school. I have lost my social confidence and feel low while among people because I wasted my energy in some pathetic act which gave me a drained look on my face. 2. Who you want to be? I would have recovered from the side effects of pmo. Now I can concentrate on tasks for longer times. I no longer struggle with insomnia. And I don't get tired with little physical activity. I am ready to go out always. I can get a new skill without thinking that I have lost my ability to learn. I can do a job. I can think of getting married. My ercetile dysfunction has vanished and I no longer suffer from premature ejaculation. I can run a kilometre without much effort. My physical strength has improved. I want to go out and meet people. My stomach has improved and I don't feel the constant need of going to bowel every now and then. I wake up everyday with energy and look forward toward the day. Saturdays and Sundays are fun I enjoy going out to lakes and jogging. I no longer want to go back to my past where I was capable of doing most of the things. I have a stronger will power and I don't pmo anymore. I am confident orator like I used to be taking proactive parts in work related activities. I no longer have body aches and joint pains. My semen would have improved and I don't feel as if I am an impotent. I no longer have anxeity of future. And I am at content with life. I don't think about my problems any more. 3. How do you plan to go from A to B Honestly speaking I don't know. I have tried plenty of things. I have been pmo free for more than once for quite a long time. once over 200 days and once just under 180 days. I tried going for long walks for 30-40 mins. The only thing it did was make me extremely sweaty and improved my mood a little. I would have genuinely prayed from my Heart to my god to improve my situation. I tried excericising but I get tired very easily. The best what I can do after significant effort is 15 pushups. 4. Timings of my behaviour? I don't know. Intially I enjoyed watching porn. But I no longer enjoy it. I am worried have exhausted myself that I am not even interested to watch porn anymore. Although I still watch. Mostly it's after a despair thought process that I will not improve and things are not going to get better. My semen quality remains thin and I feel it never improved despite of going 100+ days without any pmo. My joints still make loud noises and pain. My back aches while riding motorcycle. And when a thought becomes so strong that I cannot put it aside. Maybe after a sleep when I had a sexual thought in the sleep. I don't have nocturnal erections or morning erections often that also increases my susceptibility to believe that I am not improving and hence ditching the whole process and relapsing.And noticing that my pennis has become weak that it sometimes leak some water after 5-10 minutes of peing. 5. Routine before that actual behaviour? Seeing my flaccid pennis which would be shrivelled and small which it was never before when I was in school. May be a previous sexual thought of me pmoing while I see anything which can be regarded as intimacy or a women with small clothes or skirt etc. Watching women anywhere may be on road or TV or etc. Thought that I will never be able to lead a successful married life with intimacy because porn has caused permanent damage. And that I cannot sleep on my own except for the help of xanax or Ambien. Imaging about my past and somehow thinking about those pleasure moments with pmo in the past and thinking I will again get some pleasure doing the same. Although that pleasure I don't find anymore. It might also be after I try to get an ercetile after looking something at roadside to confirm my ercetile dysfunction is improving and when I realise I could not get an erection I relapse. The same happens when I see even if I get an erection once in blue moon it doesn't last for more than 10-15 secs.
Honestly speaking I don't know if one can recover without an accountability partner. Sometimes I feel god god a can help. Sometimes I feel I need to talk to a person.
Please tell me that you are not a therapist looking for a potential client here. I am somebody from a developing country ( third world country) I cannot afford a therapist. Although I will certainly appreciate any help without any monetary dealing. I have seen a therapist asking that he can help but I cannot afford and I doubt if I would get any return after paying such amount of money.
I will like to have an accountability Partner in this journey to quit porn for good. Lemme know if you're in
