Leaving Limbo

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by crink, Nov 10, 2019.

  1. crink

    crink Member

    i be sad. still not over thi girl. these seem to be the feelings that come up.
    yeah, i guess that's it. it's so hard for me to tell someone i like them. really elementary stuff but i struggle major with it.

    feel at a crossroads with my friends. leaving behind the old ones that no longer match.

    an old song i love spoke to me today and i chose it for karaoke tonight:

    Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend
    Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again
    When the demon is at your door
    In the morning it won't be there no more
    Any major dude will tell you
    I can tell you all I know, the where to go, the what to do
    You can try to run but you can't hide from what's inside of you

    - Any Major Dude Will Tell You by Steely Dan.
     
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  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Also keep in mind any external thing won't make you happy. Even if you were with that girl you wouldn't be happy. I mean, you would, but not in the way you are thinking. That happiness comes from within.

    Happy to hear the right song spoke to you. They must have been through some shit, as we all will, and as we all will recover in retrospect.
     
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  3. crink

    crink Member

    Pushing aside thoughts is hard.
    i have thoughts of old images and videos that i don't want to think about.
    i have a choice to entertain it.
    i'm not forced to.
    it's a choice.
    learning to change my focus onto healthier things.
    not enticing negative toxic thoughts of resentment or catastrophe.

    Learning to live a life of honesty.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2020
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  4. crink

    crink Member

    It's a weird thing to think that I've wasted a lot of time on people, that, for better or worse, don't want to be friends with me.
    There's nothing wrong with them choosing that.
    But I forget about the people who are right there who actually do want to spend time with me.
    When one door closes another opens. I have been noticing that lately.
    It may not be the door I wanted, but it is a door nonetheless.
     
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  5. crink

    crink Member

    It always seems like someone comes thru in the clutch, right when i'm lonely someone will reach out or something will happen.
    I feel like God is watching over me.
    There's this mode I get into where I decide to pout and wah wah nobody wants me i guess i'll go eat worms and watch porn.
    was v close to watching. i kept looking up this one performer in particular and then exiting out.
    I miss them, but I want real girls more.
     
  6. positivef

    positivef Member

    Congrats on avoiding a relapse, porn is illusion. If things are bad it will only make them worse.

    It was interesting what you said about wasting time on people. This is all part working out who it is worth giving your time to. Some people will be happy to suck up all your time and energy, but won't really appreciate you. Best to give it to those who do.
     
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  7. crink

    crink Member

    Back at school. Not in my major currently and it's frustrating. Deciding to go back to school at this age (almost 27) I want to be out there in my career and making moves.
    Yeah yeah, i get it, I could be a lot older blah blah blah.
    That doesn't take away the fact that I am having trouble seeing that what I am doing now will pay off for future me.
    And when a majority of my friends are well established in their careers.
    Again, i know it is not a race but it sucks right now.
    It's hard for me to think about the future like that and trust the process.
    Patience.
    I realize that I am depressed right now. Or have been for a while. Something I have struggled with for most of my life.
    I realize porn won't make me feel any better and that makes me sad.
    Something i have used to cope for so long.
    I had a close call last night scrolling almost searching for porn.
    Called it off early as I knew that it was not going to fill the void :/
    Now the question is...what am i gonna do now? Throw myself into my studies and learn the things I want to learn and become the person I have always wanted to be?
    Have the social life and connections I have always wanted?
    yeah, something like that.
     
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  8. positivef

    positivef Member

    It can be difficult if you haven't followed a conventional career path. It can make social situation difficult. People want to know what your doing. Jonathan Pageau had a good analogue. Ideas are like seeds, which you grow (by studying etc.), but they need protecting - you can feel judged too soon.
     
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  9. crink

    crink Member

    Today was a little better. I held on. Saw a little bit of the future. Things paying off.
    That my life is worth something.
    A friend sent a very encouraging text. I'm lucky.
    Still heavy sighs at times.
    I'm going through all the music I made in the last couple of years and that's exhausting.
    Trying to make space on my computer and delete old things + salvage any ideas worth saving.
    Feels good to clean out and let go of old ones though.
     
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  10. crink

    crink Member

    My fear of responsibility and loneliness drive me to porn. It feels like a kneejerk reaction at this point.

    I'm scared of taking the reigns in my life but it's what I want!!
    I feel like a wimp. Like my tolerance for being uncomfortable is so low I want to run back to porn like a baby to a binky.

    Whenever I get motivated to change my life and start taking actions and steps that lead towards me getting the life I want, I feel a panic.
    And I fear now that it's on me to do what I want to do. Also, if I fail that's on me too.

    I want to be okay with failure. That's my goal for now.

    I sang karaoke last week and chose an easy song 1st then a 2nd song that was much harder.
    Normally I'd bow out after the success of the first one and stay there.
    But i decided to try my hand and go again with a tougher one.
    I struggled through it despite sounding pretty bad at points.
    But I could live with myself because I went up there and gave it my all rather than shying away for fear of failure or humiliation.

    I want more experiences like this.
    It's these experiences that give my life the most meaning right now.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2020
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  11. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Here's a quote that's helped me get through fear of failure:

    “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard Baruch
     
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  12. positivef

    positivef Member

    Congrats on karaoke, I'd probably pass on that. I know what you mean about the fear of actually taking control of life. I struggle with being depressed and not setting realistic goals.
     
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  13. crink

    crink Member

    Man two weeks is hard. That day 10-14 I usually feel urges come on.
    I snuck a few looks at some vids for a few minutes.
    glancing on my phone with the volume off.
    Saw a couple pics the last few days too.
    I gotta come clean about this...
    I never feel compelled to go full on and watch something.
    It feels so ehh at this point.
    Not a full blown relapse, I just wanted a break between studying. Something to "take the edge off"
    Either way, not behavior I wanna keep up.
    Luckily I was really productive today.
    I've been on a role.
    Focusing on the things I want to do! And it feels great!
    I've met a couple of girls who are really cool that I want to get to know better.
    One of them is actually pretty cute.
    I am actually feeling a lot better. The weight of depression has eased off a bit.
    My head is in a clearer space too. Feeling less bitter about friends and focusing on the people who care about me :)
     
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  14. positivef

    positivef Member

    That's great the depression is easing. I wish mine would. I head feels a little achy, not sure if it's with drawl, depression, or lack of sleep symptoms.
     
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  15. crink

    crink Member

    Yeah, I feel lucky to have a break from it. Maybe it's a combination of all those things of yours? i know i am not getting enough sleep and it shows.
     
  16. crink

    crink Member

    Well, last night I got on my phone before going to bed and watched quite a bit. No sound on (the sounds and what they say is what pulls me in the most) and I would take breaks.
    It's weird.
    Before i would not be able to pull myself from it, like as if I was in a trance.
    I stopped watching eventually as i felt bored. I feel obligated to it but I roll my eyes at how ridiculous this stuff is.
    I think back to a month ago where I was cuddling and feeling up this girl and porn just can't compare.

    A bit of a wake up call that sneaking little hits of it is not gonna help me.
    Then I decided to M a little afterwards but not to porn. That's a good sign.

    I had a thought about how I have been so obsessed with this addiction....how it's been the blame for everything.
    Really a pillar of defeat.
    The reason why I don't have a girlfriend? Porn!
    The reason I don't have good grades? Too busy looking at porn, of course!
    The reason I don't have six-pack abs? Why, it's porn!
    Etc. etc. you get the picture.

    So if i take this so-called pillar away, what am I left with?
    It's really been my defense . . .

    So today, i started out with working out and hitting the books. It's been great. No need to wallow in this relapse. I am proud of my progress.

    The big takeaway I get from this is that I need to STOP looking at my phone an hour before bed!!!
    I end up compulsively scrolling social media or wikipedia articles, etc.
    I end up staying up later than I want and can't seem to fall asleep as fast either.
    I wonder if I have an internet addiction?
     
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  17. positivef

    positivef Member

    Starting on line last thing is a killer. I can also spend a long time on books and puzzles. Not decided if the latter is a problem or not.
     
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  18. crink

    crink Member

    More relapses. I just want to escape. Not the mentality I want to have..
    I feel stuck in my old ways of thinking. Always having the same ambitions but never truly acting on them.
    i want that to change but lately i doubt myself. As if i'm cursed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
    This is not going to be easy...

    Today, i fel overwhelmed by life itsself. Feeling the weight of existence. And I didn't wanna do anything but escape.
    So i watched some clips here and there.

    I don't know if escaping is a terrible thing. It's good to detach every once in a while but I want to find healthier ways.
    Even if it's just an episode of a TV show or something.
    In those weak moments all i want is the pain to go away. Sitting in that has gotten easier over the years. Working out helps for sure.
     
  19. crink

    crink Member

    I wish I could cry. So many times I just want to cry but can't seem to bring myself t do it.

    I want that release.
     
  20. crink

    crink Member

    I feel like my mind is running into the same four corners. Running over the same old ground.

    Even the things I think of doing...I think about

    It’s the same old, same old

    How do I change?

    How do I think outside of my mind?

    I often visit the same corners of my mind

    Over and over again

    What am I hiding from my ego?

    What is being submerged?

    Even if I go back to do old things am I really changing? Or just breaking out something old because it feels fresh

    Am I doomed to repeat my mistakes?

    Will my mind ever rest?
     
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