Leaving Limbo

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by crink, Nov 10, 2019.

  1. crink

    crink Member

    Well i watched again. no p
    I was watching and had to turn it off because one scene was too rough.
    I had to look away.
    I feel horrible for taking part in that.
    The gross part is i want to go to porn to forget about it...
     
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    So you can see that it's compulsive.

    How about find another site that gives you fun and good feelings when you click on it?
     
    crink likes this.
  3. crink

    crink Member

    Definitely compulsive. I think having a TV show to watch will help. I mostly watch porn. No tv or movies really.
     
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Yeah, that's how I was too. It's ok, there are a lot of good tv shows and movies you can check out.

    To name a few:
    Mad Men
    Battlestar Galactica
    Bojack Horseman
     
    crink likes this.
  5. crink

    crink Member

    Back with more relapses. I gotta get off my phone at night, or I just scroll and scroll.
    It's fun for a bit but I feel like I'm avoiding my feelings when I do this. I dissociate.
    Feeling better these days with better study habits.
    And not beating myself up over the relapses too much.
    Going to continue to work on the life I want and be the person I want to be.
     
    Yùtù likes this.
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Everyone has personal angles to this addiction but I will mention just a few things that have helped me a lot:

    1) Get an ironclad understanding of what "progress" means in your mind, and what kinds of behaviors are not progress. Are you looking to reduce physical symptoms, mental symptoms, to have more time, to improve your social life, or something else? I discussed this in my own thread's day 6 post-script (on the first page).

    2) Do something to become more aware of your own state of mind on a regular basis. Some people use meditation or prayer and reportat that it helps them a lot. (I've been doing 3 minutes of meditation before bed, which helps me sleep, and helps with the reboot, but not an extraordinary amount. But sometimes you need everything you can manage.) Something I did is download a mobile program that I could program to let out a little beep once every 15 minutes. When that happened, I'd stop what I was doing for a moment and ask myself "How is my head right now?" I identified 3 states of mind that were antithetical to self-control and focus that I frequently experienced: Head spinning (overstimulated, racing head, looking for stimulation, darting between activities), head dragging (too slow and tired to focus mentally) and head grinding (headaches). Whenever during those 15 minute checks I was in one of those states, I reevaluated my current behavior.

    3) Looking after your physical health matters a lot. If you indulge in unhealthy habits, it's easier to rationalize not taking care of yourself.

    4) Forget about arbitrary dates. Setting them as a starting point or goal doesn't work. I've read plenty of people with the same experience. New Year's, beginning of the month, holiday, time period before or after a personal event, these are just things we tell ourselves when we don't have a real plan.

    5) Once you get on a good streak (making week-long periods consistently), weekly goals help a lot. I use weekly goals just to make minor improvements in my behavior in the ways that hte previous week was a disappointment. It's important, because even if you have a "streak" (time without PMO) going, you could still engage in destructive and addictive behaviors that make you stagnate. Wasting time is a big problem for me, so that is often the subject.

    I hope this helps a little. From someone who has been at this for years and relapsed more times than I even want to think about, I know how big of a struggle this is.
     
  7. crink

    crink Member

    Been a while. I was in Finals week.

    Things have been going well. I actually took my studies seriously.

    I'm going to be seeing that girl in my stats class over the break.

    I am hanging out with cute girls and porn seems so irrelevant now.
     
    baywalker and Yùtù like this.
  8. crink

    crink Member

    Been fairly productive over break so far. Def some slip-ups where i find myself stumbling onto porn but then i get out of it.
    Still no masturbation or orgasm.
    Porn feels like this compulsive behavior I go to no matter what.
    What I see is progress is that I'm not letting it define me. Yes, it's something I want to cut out like any other thing now.
    It feels less scary or unmanageable.
    I'm starting to watch TV shows (Breaking Bad) which is cool. I feel more and more like a normal person.
    Also, realizing how much I think the world is out to get me when it's not. I've wasted so much energy being paranoid assuming people had it out for me when they didn't...
    Now I'm recognizing that and letting it go.
     
    baywalker likes this.
  9. crink

    crink Member

    YOOO
    ok so yeah that girl I met in my stats class that I've been talking to, we hung out and ended up cuddling and then going to 2nd base.
    We were laying down and when i tried to get up to go home she pinned me down and put my hand on her chest. I was in shock to say the least!
    i've never done anything remotely close to cuddling a girl let alone feeling a girl up and OH MY it is a rush.
    I've been bungie jumping and the adrenaline rush I got after that was pretty similar to this. I was shaking.
    This is wayyy better than porn. Like comparing a kiddie pool to the ocean.
    I'll take the ocean every time.
    And it felt so good in the sense that I care about the person. Not some random person I met at a party and drunkenly fooled around with.
    Anyways, I feel like we might be moving towards dating so that's exciting.
    feels good!
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2019
    baywalker and -Luke- like this.
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    You're doing exactly what you need to be doing to recover, so good job. Just be careful not to think you've overcome all of your issues already, that's how people relapse.
     
    crink and baywalker like this.
  11. crink

    crink Member

    Very good point. It has truly felt like that to me. A bit of invincibility but I'm trying to remind myself that will fade away.
     
  12. crink

    crink Member

    A little update. Things have been going well. I don't like how much I go to my phone to escape on social media or youtube or whatever.
    if I look back on my life and see that I pissed it away that feels so scary to me.
    It goes so fast.
    I've felt incompetent in pursuing the things I want in life. Even my major i want to get into. Having to do a portfolio I struggle to believe that I could actually contribute to something.
    Slowly it is getting better which is good.
    Update on girl: Decided to not date because I realize i am not really into her and don't want to use her just to cuddle and do stuff with.
    When I get the chance I'm going to ask out the girl i am actually interested in and have been for a while.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2019
  13. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Yeah man! Isn't it interesting? When we drop porn, we take up integrity.
     
    crink likes this.
  14. crink

    crink Member

    It's great!
     
  15. crink

    crink Member

    So I have felt more and more convicted about how I only have so much time on this earth and it has really put things into perspective.
    I have held a lot of grudges in my life and it has been exhausting to say the least.
    I want to reconnect with the people I have pushed away out of fear.
    When i made them out to be the bad guy but really it was because I was playing the victim...

    A far as porn has gone i've had more sexual dreams but not doing anything sexual really. Sometimes i see scenes I watched that have been burned into my brain but they look distorted or like a cartoon.

    I still think of my time with that girl and that is all i want now.

    I saw a picture of me from when I first started watching porn and it struck me how young I was. I was so unprepared for seeing anything like that.
    But I don't identify with that 13 year old boy anymore, which was a big problem for years. I am starting to become a man.
    However, I still feel that boy's pain.
     
  16. crink

    crink Member

    I haven't done as much as I'd like this break as far as productivity. Pissing away the days.
    Although relaxing is great, it's frustrating when I know what I want to do and yet I'm still stuck on acting on it.
    I know some don't believe in it, but I have been diagnosed with ADD and I want to try taking medication for a bit.
    It might help although I am skeptical about the drugs they use I think I have found some alternatives that aren't stimulant based.
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    This is exactly how it works for me, too. The longer the memory is not enforced, the more distorted and undetailed it is when we remember it. I have some P-related memories that just look slightly weird and grotesque when they come to my mind.

    In my experience, after a few months, the actual P-images stop randomly coming up in my head. It is a surprisingly nice relief when that happens. Stay strong!
     
  18. crink

    crink Member

    Had a moment of weakness. Decided to go to bed early but I couldn't sleep.
    I had some uncomfortable feelings come up.
    I felt so lonely!!!
    wishing i could be with the girl I like.
    In a moment of weakness.
    i ended up scrolling a bit on twitter but I stopped.
    I knew it would't make me feel any better and it was just a distraction.
    Glad to cut it off early.
    I felt all this regret for not telling girls I've been interested in how I felt about them.
    One of my friends mentioned she had a crush on me when i first met, saying i shoulda done something about it back then.
    She's gorgeous and I kick myself over things like that.
    I can't change the past but i am going to go and let people know I'm interested in them now.
    It doesn't have to be weird or anything.
    and ya never know until you try.
    trying to focus more on how i can change my life and not dwell on the mistakes.
     
  19. crink

    crink Member

    Thoughts sprig up yet i say no to them.
    It's that simple, right?
    I do't HAVE to act on these.
    In the past I CHOSE to.
    I felt obligated.
    Like porn was my master and I was its slave.
    It feels wrong to not give in.
    That's what always confused me.
     
  20. crink

    crink Member

    January 2 2019 -
    I decided to pull an audible for New Years and drive to the coast instead of going to a party.
    just me, myself, and i.
    I was lonely at my airbnb wishing that the girl i like would text me back.
    I ended up getting a call from the girl i was hanging out before and we end up talking about it.
    She was very encouraging to me and i felt way better.
    Driving all by myself and exploring was just what I needed.
    I don't go and explore enough like I would like to.
    I got to think about how I am afraid of stringing together a portfolio for submitting for my major.
    I feel inadequate so I avoid making one. I don't have the "right" material.
    Gotta overcome that.
    I am inspired to work on my album so that's good!
     

Share This Page