Leaving Limbo

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by crink, Nov 10, 2019.

  1. crink

    crink Member

    Hey everybody!

    I'm a 26 year old guy and I've been watching porn since i was 13. Half my life.
    Over the years I've really struggled with connecting with real girls and only being aroused by what I saw on a screen.
    I've never had a girlfriend or done anything remotely sexual. Even kissing.
    I've felt more connected to the girls I watch on screen than the girls I've met in real life.
    So much time has been wasted it feels like I almost owe my life to this and should make the most of this beast that now lives within me.

    I have tried many different things from support groups, counseling, blocking software, etc. but I always came back to it.
    After so many excuses, I think it's time i try this. When I do have streaks I feel way better but I get thoughts of not wanting to live so I relapse.

    My longest streaks have been a 4 month, 3 month, and 2 month streak.

    Here's to getting out of limbo.
     
    Rudolf Geyse and Yùtù like this.
  2. crink

    crink Member

    Day 1 went well: I was at a friend's birthday party and there were lots of beautiful women...
    I was nervous. I made eye contact with this gorgeous girl and quickly looked away for a second, but then I introduced myself and we talked for a bit.
    Felt way better!
    Way more invigorating than staring at a screen!

    Day 2 today: so far i went for a run, worked out, did some breathing exercises, and called a friend. Eating lunch atm and then I'm going to study.
    I'm getting out of the house to study as being home alone is a big trigger for me.
    I hope to post an update tonight about how the rest of my day went. Really feeling good after the workout and keeping internet time down!
    Hoping for a productive study session.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2019
  3. crink

    crink Member

    Well the library was closed and I decided to go to a pond near my place instead. I wasn't too productive. I had a few very minor flashes of images come up but nothing really triggering. I distracted myself on the internet until it was pretty late and now I still need to do some assignments. I recently decided to go back to college and get my Bachelors. So far I'm close to failing one of my classes with 2 weeks left. Now i'm actually caring as i stopped doing assignments.
    I feel like i have no energy to do all my work. I feel inadequate, not enough. I don't believe in my abilities to get things done.
    Mad that I fell back into old habits with school.
     
  4. crink

    crink Member

    Day 3: I realize that I know what I need to do but I gotta just do it.
    I have bad habits with time management. I need to keep a schedule. Porn has been a huge escape from responsibility for me. I procrastinate and angst about something, then use porn as a means to feel better.
    Today I decided to go to my teachers office hours to see about finishing the class strong. I'm prepared to take it again as I might fail.
    i stopped for so many weeks doing the assignments.
    There is a part of me that feels really ashamed about it but after talking with my professor and getting help I felt much better.
    There is HOPE!
    Problem is that I've put work off and I have a crucial deadline.
    Work has been pretty frustrating as of late.
    I feel like I don't want to expel my energy too much for things. I prefer to stay docile.
    I want to change that. I feel way better when I work towards goals, have things to look forward to, etc.
    This is why I want to keep this journal. It will help with my progress.
    Today porn wasn't really a threat.
    Maybe a thought here or there but not captivating.
    I went on a walk tonight instead of doing my homework.
    I am gonna wake up early and finish it tomorrow instead of just not doing it like I have been doing.
    I realize I've spent lots of time bashing my family and other people instead of taking responsibility for myself.
    Also:
    Some interactions with girls today. One cute girl gave me her number asking for help with stats.
    And another girl in the class I think is a bit interested in me, I think I'm gonna ask for her number.
    About to get some sleep.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey crink, welcome to the forum!

    It seems to me that you already know what to do and you are aware of your problems. That's great. You are already one step ahead compared to many other people. Awareness is key. The thing you seem to struggle with is putting it all together in real life. I can't say I'm able to give good advice here because I'm the same way. You talk about habits, time management and procrastination in your posts. I recently found an author named James Clear who writes about these topics a lot and I found it helpful.

    Good luck with your assignments and with that girl. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
     
  6. crink

    crink Member

    Thanks for reading my Journal, Luke. I really appreciate your encouragement. I'd say you hit the nail on the head. I'm aware but it's hard for me to put it all together in real life. I have heard of James Clear, and I want to read his book.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2019
  7. crink

    crink Member

    Day 4:
    Ok, another day down. I'm going to bed here pretty soon.
    I started the day off with pushups and finished most of my homework.
    Then I took my car into the shop after class.
    Lots of waiting around and I couldn't log into my remote computer for work.
    Once again more stress as I realize I have a meeting tomorrow and I'm not gonna have good things to report.
    Afterwards I tried to finish up my work but I procrastinated again.
    I was reading a post on Recovery Nation about how recovery was about doing different things.
    Not just abstaining.
    I resonated with that a lot.
    To start living the life I want...
    It sounds so simple yet i'm a little paralyzed.
    I'm trying to approach each day with what I want to do.
    I want to start working out as that helps when my mood dips.
     
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Your're welcome. I read his book, too. Has some good ideas. But in the end we need to learn how to act.

    TheUnderdog wrote a post about the same topic (Maybe it's even the same post?): https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/
     
  9. crink

    crink Member

    Day 5:
    Today went well overall.
    I ended up skipping a class to try and catch up on work.
    My boss called me. I was having trouble clocking in and hadn't really communicated that in the last couple of weeks.
    It's been hard for me to be honest with myself and other people.
    I had an urge to masturbate/look at porn when i was laying down on the carpet this afternoon. Felt some slight blue balls too.
    A customer laid in on me today and it was tough.
    Afterwards I thought about watching porn but my friend texted me about how he'd been struggling a lot.
    This reminded me why I am doing this.
    I forget sooo easily.
    I had a good convo with a friend on the phone.
    Ended up scrolling twitter for way too long and am going to bed an hour later than I wanted to..
     
  10. crink

    crink Member

  11. crink

    crink Member

    Day 6:
    Was a busy day. Lots going on.
    I actually stayed focused and on task at work.
    My friend gave me some good advice on planning out things and it really helped.
    I was at a friend's birthday party and felt so sad.
    More and more with this friend group I don't feel like I fit in.
    I am at a crossroads. . .
    It's tough but I think that as I am closing some doors, others are opening.
    I've felt this way for a while now but I think i'm meeting people that align with m interests and values more.
    Then I made music with my friend before he moves away on Monday.
    It's hard to make a good friend and then have them leave in half a year of knowing them.
    We stayed up late into the night talking and it was really good.
    Not really many urges.
    I am starting to realize how much of a simp I've been.
    With women, I have put them on this pedestal and adore them so much.
    It's not an attractive look.
    I see them as if they are angels or something.
    Beautiful and Perfect.
    And I crave their adoration so much, I think it gets picked up by people.
     
  12. crink

    crink Member

    Day 7:
    I only got a few hours of sleep.
    I feel guilty for not doing much today.
    But i am sooo out of it. I ache from tiredness.
    I need to eat too!
    Self-care is important.

    Last night my mind went to this girl I met while traveling a couple years ago.
    She recently has a boyfriend and is very happy with him.
    I am happy for her. I can see how happy she is.
    But I still have feelings.
    I'm meeting other women that I find interesting, attractive, etc. yet these feelings linger.
    I have come to accept that they might not go away.
    Feelings are feelings: they come and go.
    She might always have a special place in my heart.
     
  13. crink

    crink Member

    Day 7 cont.
    Feeling a little down rn. Still haven't slept.
    Hoping for a fulfilling thing.
    Porn is a thought and I am toying with the idea in my head.
     
  14. crink

    crink Member

    Day 7;
    Woohoo!
    i took a tiny nap and felt way better.
    read some posts about recovery on here.
    Trying to get my focus of my life on my vision.
     
    baywalker likes this.
  15. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Great stuff @crink

    Keep up the energies high.

    Whenever you feel low, remember the abbreviation HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).

    Take self care:

    when you are hungy, eat something,

    when you are angry, take some time off away from people and possible triggers,

    when you are lonely, call a friend, or your family, someone that will really make you happy,

    when you are tired, take a rest, take a nap if that's something you like.
     
    crink likes this.
  16. crink

    crink Member

    Good reminder. HALT is amazing. It has saved me so many times in the past.
     
    baywalker likes this.
  17. crink

    crink Member

    Day 8:
    This Sunday was tough!
    I'm glad I made it to a week.
    Man, today was hard.
    Although I felt connected, was taking care of myself.
    I had some thoughts and temptations come up.
    Maybe I feel like those should just go away but after so many years I don't think it's gonna be that simple.
    Even tonight. As i was on my walk, I felt convicted about my life.
    And if I hav lived it to the fullest or not.
    I hate to say it, but I really have not...

    Have you made that music you wanted to make?
    Write what you wanted to write?
    Learn that thing you always wanted to learn?
    Talk to that girl?
    Make those friends you wanted to make?
    Reconcile those old relationships?
    Be in that finacnial place you wanted to be?
    Visit that country you always wanted to?
    Loved people as yourself?

    Man, when I think in those terms, social media and porn just seem so pointless.
    Yet the urges are still there.
    I think it's one reason why I go to it.
    I don't wanna face the responsibility for my life yet!
    Or...maybe I do?
    My friend on the phone told me, to just show up and give yourself permission to not be perfect.
    I did some studying, it wasn't perfect but I did it.
    I cleaned my room a bit.
    It wasn't perfect but it was something.

    Perfection isn't the answer.
    Try as I might.
    That's not how life works.
     
  18. crink

    crink Member

    Day 9:
    Well it's been a pretty good day.
    I woke up feeling a bit sick but was actually in high spirits and focused in class.
    I was thinking about how I have this one day today and putting it in perspective.
    Am i gonna look back and regret not doing what I wanted to do?
    I have a lot of energy and i don't know what to do wiht it.
    I feel a it unwieldy.
    I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and i haven't been on meds since Junior high.
    Going on meds isn't my first choice but I think it would help!
    Anyways.
    i almost opened up an old site I used to go to for porn.
    UH UH
    Not gonna Happen.
    Gonna do some pushups instead.
    I also really really need to study so there's that..
    C'mon!!!!
    Do what you gotta do, crink!!!
    Don't let it goo to waste.
    you got this!
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. crink

    crink Member

    Day 9:
    Woohoo!
    I did some pushups and that settled me down a bit.
    I had a pep talk in the bathroom as I was thinking about watching porn.
    I was thinking, "crink, you've been doing this pattern for so long, you gotta change it."
    "Abstaining is not enough"
    A lot of that thinking coming from Underdog's post:

    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/

    I was struggling with a homework problem and I felt hopeless.
    Learned helplessness. I resonate with that term a lot. I want to read more about it.
    In the past I would give up and then binge porn, then feel immense shame. So much that I didn't feel worthy doing anything good for myself.
    But I went back and plugged my way through it, eventually figuring out the problem.
    It felt SO good tbh.
    I'm so glad I stuck with it. Otherwise I'd be down the porn rabbit hole and regretting wasting my time again.
    I did all my stuff I needed to do. This never happens lol.
    I did distract myself a lot with social media, but I still finished what I could do.
    This is a huge step.
    I love that I'm taking charge. Finally doing all the things I've ragged on myself for not doing.
    Thank you, Day 9.
    You taught me again.
    Girl in my math class, I want to start flirting with more.
    We talked a bit today after class. I'll see about if we can study together.

    Forgot to mention: But last night i woke up in the middle of the night touching myself.
    Rubbed against my pillow a bit.
    It felt good but I didn't push it too much.
    I was turned on a bit thinking about having sex with a real girl.
    Some may frown on this. To me, I'm just thrilled I didn't grab my phone and start watching tons of porn.
    Normally I can't get excited without porn so this felt like a good step.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2019
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi Crink, sounds like you're doing some good stuff for yourself these days ! Nice choices and seing those alternate routes. One thing I can tell you is that as you keep going sometimes doing the right choice can get harder as sometimes we loose some of the euphoria we have right at the start (though it comes and goes). But the right choice remains the right choice, and the more we take that right path the more we go towards the life we're looking for, the more we reclaim our personal power. I like you're one day at a time mentality and how the day can "teach you something".

    I think it's a good sign that you were turned on by "real scenario" ideas. I think that shows you're libido is healthy and emerging. It's good but also be careful that strong return of libido, even the one that feels really healthy can send us back down to porn. Best thing is to try to use that energy to motivate us to get what we're after, out there. So yeah, I guess including flirting with real life girls. And when that doesn't work it's about learning how to calm that energy down in other ways, for example meditation, working out, writing, healthy hobbies, etc.

    Oh I just read you're OP and see that you actually made some really long streaks. In that case, I guess it's the good ol' cliché of looking at what's underneath the addiction. So abstinence and stopping the addiction is one key thing, then it's about working on what's underneath. The shyness with girls for example. I have the same problem too ! Good luck !
     
    crink likes this.

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