It's a shame that not drinking is not very socially accepted, at least it wasn't when I grew up. Today I'm glad that I never started, because I would have been so addicted. But back then it was difficult to deal with, making me feel like an outsider, and possibly even leading me down this PMO path...
No PMO today so that's good. Was pretty busy with a stressful thing but handled it quite well overall. It was definitely stressful and me getting out of my comfort zone. There will be some more stress coming these days. I have to pay attention to self care right now and try to accept and feel my emotions and not push them away. Part of me is a little over excited I think because of the stressful event. Not too much to say today but yea let's keep going, and I really want to think about alcohol control more and staying off it completely for some time. Last weekend was once again a fresh reminder that I struggle to control it. I will be able to do that every now and then but it seems sooner or later I don't. I'm proud of myself that I did not reset though yesterday when I was hungover (I knew it would have meant me digging myself in a ditch even more - still the addicted part of me wanted that, it needed the feel good). It was quite a painful feeling the hangover. There was hangxiety. It is clear to me that I made some wrong choices, some mistakes, and as a result I hurt myself. Drinking excessively is hurting myself. I forgive myself for doing this mistake again. But I want to try to learn from it. There is a growing part in me, a healthy part, that does not want me to hurt myself anymore. This is the part that I put my faith in. @Eternity - Good on you for being strong and not drinking when you were young if you did not feel like it. A lot of teens feel pressured to drink and that's not cool indeed. Part of many cultures. As we get older, it becomes more and more possible to not drink though (yet people can still be surprised). But it can be quite a crutch for some people who rely on it to have fun or many other things such as social confidence or simply to fit in, indeed. Many drink in order to feel like they fit in. It also really depends on the groups of people as well. Some people who stop drinking actually change they're social circles. They realize some friendships were based only on the notion of drinking. Some friendships survive though, if they were based on other things as well. Sorry if my reply is a bit of a ramble, I'm pretty tired right now.
Another busy day and no PMO today. I felt quite tired though today. Hope to catch up on more sleep tonight. I do feel slightly dysregulated, especially in the later part of the day, when I get more tired from all the interactions and tasks. I have less time to work on the underlying issues right now as I am getting used to a new much busier schedule but I think it's all about addressing those underlying issues, and also abstaining from the unhelpful stuff - so I hope to find room for that (it's the number one priority). Still can't believe how challenging of a place, mentally and physically, I put myself in during the weekend with that drinking slip up. I'm feeling pretty anxious right now as well though. I'll feel like this for a little while because of an ongoing rather stressful event going on. But this seems like a level of stress I can try to work with perhaps. One day at a time.
Great to see how you have been handling things in the last couple of days. I hope this also gives you the confidence that you do have things under control: you make sure you don't let the drinking get out of hand, you make sure you will get the therapy to work and you expose yourself to things that are good for you on the long term, but that also frighten you. You will find your balance!
@Gil79 Thanks a lot man. Your message gives me a lot of strength ! I appreciate you. It appears so clearly to me how I have to not put therapy down a list of things (a strategic mistake I've made recently enough). How it's an essential part for me to get better, to heal and grow. You keep working on yourself as well, now !
I can always pull the "no thanks, I'm driving" card now, haha - and non-alcoholic beer etc is becoming more common and popular. I'm pretty sure that not drinking has cost me a lot of social experience, though. Sure, you can have fun without - but I failed to see the point in going to places that serve. Good job on 10 days!
Feeling pretty tense and stressed out. It's not easy to find the time to relax and decompress right now. Not a lot of ''me time''. I'm busy with some new things, some new challenges, adjusting to it, but I think that's good. Just trying to stay regulated the best I can. I had a romantic and sexual dream last night about a girl I know in real life but whom has a boyfriend. Lol. It was a pretty nice dream though. I often dream of my ex but not this time it seems. Right now it's really one day at a time. Just trying to get better at coping with stress and not resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms. It's tricky because yea the pressure really does grow inside after a while. Like a glass with water filling up. Right now I won't be able to see the therapist I saw not long ago because of a new schedule (the being busy thing) so I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like seeing a therapist would be really important for me so I'll have to figure something else out then if it won't be possible with the one I saw. It would be too bad though because I liked that first contact. One day at a time. @Eternity - Thank you, well done yourself on those 10 days ! Let's keep going. Cheers to that (with a non-alcoholic beer) ! ; )
Feeling a little tired, haven't slept too well this past night. There are a few things that I need to take care of that are weighting a bit on me. One in particular touches upon my issues with assertiveness (I need to ask for something legitimate), but it should be fine. Probably not a big deal. It feels like there is a lot of tension that has accumulated in my body over the week. Which is very normal since I have to adapt to some new things. There are moments when I feel stress and pressure, and although it's stress that I have been able to cope with, I sometimes sense strong hungry cravings. They feel ''physical''. Yesterday, I also caught myself a few times engaging a bit too much in fantasy I think and also at times I had a ''wandering eye'' when outside. Last night though I did relax a little in a good way and felt like I had a bit of ''me time''. So that felt nice. Hope to be able to find a bit more of this over the weekend.
I was getting pretty close to messing up yesterday. I got a strong urge to act out and, when I got home, impulsively opened up a browser to check some things out. Not P exactly but things that are very linked to it and that are linked to acting out. So it was definitely a slip because I went from internal fantasy to actually taking an outside action (opening up the browser). That's how a reset can happen. Right after I typed in the website address, my computer shutdown spontaneously because it ran out of battery (it does that, without warning it just shuts off at some point if I don't plug it in). I then thought this is help from the Universe or a sign that I am making a mistake. This gave me enough space to be able to make the decision to stop that course of action and kind of snap out of the mindset I was in. I plugged in the computer, did some other things for two minutes, then opened it back and immediately closed that browser which I had opened. I then went out for a run and resumed the rest of my day normally. I wondered after if I should reset my counter. One argument for it is I don't want to obsess over my day number and be dependent on it. On the other hand I really don't feel like I truly crossed the line. Although it was clearly a slip. So yea I'm gonna keep the counter as it is probably. I've been doing pretty well lately in terms of making efforts to face life and some of my barriers and it's surprising that I would desire to reset at this point, after ''good work''. But I think it was probably a combination of being tired, having accumulated a lot of tension in my body (and it's hard to get rid of it) and also some of that ''hey I deserve a reward'' (addicted self argument - ''go for it mate, we'll deal with the consequences after, you're strong enough to do it, you deserve it, come one''). Glad I did not reset I would have felt terrible after and now even more. I also actually had to deal with some unexpected stuff later on yesterday and if I was in the process of a reset when that stuff came up it would have been really bad. I then would have though I keep putting myself in terrible situations and that the addiction is getting worst and worst.
Felt weird yesterday, a sense of anxiety, sadness, emptiness (maybe loneliness as a whole thing) that was almost a little physical (could feel it in my body) but also emotional, mental. In the same time I also felt a sense of contentment and felt positive and proud about certain things that I feel are going well right now. So it was strange to have the mix of depression/anxiety and also feeling certain positive things. Still felt really tired I think, physically tired. Most of last week my sleep hasn't been too good. It doesn't help that I can hear through the (poorly soundproofed) bedroom wall the new neighbours at night and I can hear the T.V. or their voices late into the night. A few times this past week I woke up after falling asleep because of this (this is difficult especially when one has to wake up very early). Today I feel more rested, I slept better last night (also, didn't hear the neighbours). It's crazy just how much feeling rested has an impact on the emotional and psychological. No wonder that after drinking a lot and sleeping very little (and bad), the next day I feel severe levels of anxiety. Just like PMO, drinking ain't worth it (for me), because I cannot consume it responsibly. Two weeks since last reset, that's good. Been feeling cravings almost daily lately. As I was saying I feel a lot of tension in my body. I wish I would know how to release this but don't know how (I meditate, exercise, do stretching, journal) ; to be fair some of it does probably get released but it's slow. If I would have a big reset right now I would feel depressed about it, disillusioned and then I would probably be numb for a while. I wouldn't feel the anxiety, sadness, emptiness as much anymore but the PMO would only cover that. It's much better to gradually lean into that sadness or existential hole that is there and get familiar with it.
Felt better yesterday psychologically. No PMO. Some urges in the background but I was able to not really give them too much attention. I feel like I was able to get some rest, did some things but also took some time for myself. Saturday I was more tired and I did do something social (but minor) but Sunday I did not do anything social (refused one thing and I think it was most probably an ok decision). Sunday passed by pretty fast and now it's a new week. I feel a bit of anxiety, fear about the coming week. I have not been reading in the self-therapy book for the past few days and I think I should try to put that higher up on the priorities lists. I have a fear that I will ''forget'' about the fact that I need to actively work on my underlying psychological problems, and only content myself with keeping up with ''life'', which I don't think is a good strategy ; it's not a strategy that has worked in the past. Maybe I'm too impatient with the idea of change. It's also quite scary at times how I can become optimistic about the possibility of change, healing and starting to hope maybe there is a future and then kind of fall back to the idea that nope that was all an illusion and see that I'm trapped and that there is little hope to truly break out of these patterns and that therefore there is not really a future to hope for. Got to be careful with the intensity of both hope/optimism and then disillusionment/despair. There will be a ''future'' no matter what, as long as I'm alive, and it's mostly about being present with it and at peace with it. To accept it and work with it. Perhaps that's one part of what it means to be humble. Patience, humbleness. Repentance.
I sometimes wish that I lived easy apartment life again, but then I remember this. So much noise way past my bedtime. And so much to get annoyed about in general, people smoking even though they're not supposed to, etc. I can even sleep outdoors in the back if I want now, apart from the odd car it's very quiet late during the night.
More urges yesterday. During the day, when I was not home and busy with other things but in a place where I can feel a lot of pressure and tension in my body (stress) I had some fantasies and sexual thoughts. So yea, boredom and loneliness is one possible trigger but so is stress and pressure and discomfort. The imagined relief from a reset, from acting out, is almost the exact opposite of the feelings of stress, pressure, discomfort. But then there are so many negative consequences to a reset. First of all, many times it's not even that pleasurable as it happens. And then of course there is the inevitable depression and disappointment that follows. And then the more resets in order to numb away that new kind of pain. Lately the main thing which has helped me to say ''no'' to the addicted part in me is just knowing how bad I'll feel after. Since I've been through that so many times. But this is not an absolute solution as I know I come very close at times to say ''fuck it''. I have very little belief that I will not reset again. Today I think I might feel better then yesterday overall. Mondays are often tougher with the beginning of a new week. Not too long ago, when I had a different schedule, Tuesdays and Wednesdays were toughest for me, but then I was home a lot all the time. Nowadays I am suddenly more busy again and out of my house and I think maybe this way I will be able to handle Tuesdays and Wednesdays better. Still haven't found time, last night, to do some more of the self-therapy book I started (which talks about the various ''parts'' which make up our psyche and how they interact - the ''addict'' being one of them for instance). One good thing though is that I found the time to journal on paper last night for about 30 mins. I think that really has a healing and positive effect in terms of regulating my mood. I've been wondering also if I should go for a ''strategic MO'' at some point. My intent is not a hardmode streak although I do have some mental attachment to the concept of the ''superpowers'' we get with SR. I guess I fear an MO will mess with me for a bit. Or even make me reset to PMO.
Still going okay. The lustful thoughts, urges and ideas of acting out decreased a little during the last two days. Nothing too much to report. Another week is going by quick enough. I have some feelings of loneliness, sadness and emptiness every now and then but they are bearable. I am staying pretty disciplined right now with ''good habits''. Time passes by quite fast in the evenings. Yesterday I took the time to go for a walk and that felt pretty nice. I have less time to meditate now as my schedule has changed recently but I still try to do it at least once per day, in the evening. For like 10 or 15 mins. I don't really find the time for reading anymore. I was reading a book which now I can only read around 2 or 3 pages before sleep. And that self-therapy I started book I still am not managing to get back to it. However I have been watching some videos on social anxiety every morning and they are helping me remember the things I can try to work on during the day. Stuff like taking little chances to test my ''safety behaviours'' and ''leaning into the anxiety'' gradually. Some social stuff has come up but not sure I'm gonna go since I feel busy and pretty tired. It's hard to know when to go and when it's better to rest. Some circumstances in my life right now feel like they are working right because I'm extending my comfort zone and facing some fears but yet it does not feel like it's an overwhelming level like it has been at times in the past. But I admit this still feels tiring after a while. I still wish I could understand the notion of repentance and humble suffering more. Or to apply it more to my life. It feels like the opposite of ego and vanity. Had a weird and interesting dream last night where a lot of people I've known socially were there all mixed up. Older friends as well as more recent ones.
Loneliness + boredom + social anxiety is a dangerous combo. Glad you've found something that could help.
I mishandled this Saturday and reset twice. It was a good run though. I think I couldn't handle the stress levels and anxiety anymore. And maybe some loneliness as well. I was tired too, did not sleep very well last night. Now it's about getting back up.
I lost it this weekend and now unsurprisingly I feel pretty bad. It's not that I don't have low moods when I'm managing to stay away from PMO, but it's not the same type of low mood I get after ''using'' again. I can't tell exactly how much of this is chemical or if this is more psychologically induced such as just feeling ashamed or low self esteem or simply regret. It doesn't feel as physical for instance as being hungover from alcohol that's for sure. But it still feels very bad and indeed it feels more ''spiritual''. They say sometimes these kinds of addictions are ''spiritual diseases''. I don't know for sure about all that but I can see what makes some people claim that kind of thing. The hard part is I don't even know for sure if I could have actually resisted the pull on Saturday when I went back to the familiar ''happy land of PMO''. I know for sure the cravings were big and I know how much stress I had accumulated. Some say we can always resist. Maybe. What I do feel is that it would have been a much better choice to go have a quick get it over with MO. But this does not mean I wouldn't have gone back to PMO some time after. But one thing is sure is that I never feel as dejected after an MO then when I fully relapse to PMO. I have no shame around MO and it's not something that I would feel bad if people knew about me ; "of he MOs''. Yea and ? This being said I do tend to like the notion of a hardmode clean streak and when I'm on one I don't really feel like MOing. I usually have thoughts such as "well if it's only for an MO then I may as well keep going" (i.e. my mind thinks the pleasure would not be sufficient to lose the hardmode streak). So now a new week begins. And yea I'm pretty worried about how my relapses this weekend will affect me during the week. How my confidence will be. How I may be much more depressed now or have no motivation. How I may feel as a result the strong pull of PMO when I come back home in the evenings. How I'm going to think that my day count is so low, even though I try not to put too much weight on the day number. How out of nowhere I'm gonna be hit with a triggering thought of lust that will feel not only very good but also oh so natural and dare I say healthy. As we somtimes here in the army, "welcome to the suck". Sometimes I think this is similar to people who cut themselves. I do this in order to create a temporary different kind of pain which makes me forget about all the pain of reality that weights on me when I don't ''use''. Once I use, I feel temporary pleasure and relief and then I become completely focused on the addiction, I only think about the day number, etc. I think about being clean, etc. And all of a sudden this crisis situation takes precedent over all the other life problems. Those can fade for some time as I just have to focus on getting a Day 1, a Day 2, etc.
Probably more due to this. Logically, we should be able to feel the same as before, but we know that it's a bad thing. At least for me, while now knowing why, the shame has got worse after finding YBOP.
Yea I would also think shame plays an important role. Perhaps the main explanation. I think I feel like I let myself down and that really hurts the self-esteem. But I wonder if there is also some kind of a neurological/neurochemical "brain" explanation in the sense that I go on longer abstinence streaks now then I used too - and then I return to the behaviour usually with an edge binge. I think the edging, the long sessions, are really bad - maybe both on the neurological/neurochemical "brain" front but then again also in the shame aspect here as well. I would feel less ashamed if I would have a 15 mins PMO (although not ideal) then if I had a 4 hour (or more) escape from reality ''trance'' PMO session, watching some pretty crazy and very lustful stuff.
Day 1 - Today was difficult. My confidence was affected. I felt some pretty bad depression. All the usual pretty difficult feelings of a Monday were amplified. I also had much more difficulty focusing and communicating. I felt like a weirdo. I had to put on a big fake mask or hide. A big part of my psyche was very preoccupied with the relapse. This is the price to pay when I indulge, when I act out. I'll keep suffering like this until I learn the lesson. Very glad that I have not further relapsed in the evening. Part of me was still not far away from lustful thoughts and fantasies. Thank goodness I did not indulge again. I found, faintly, the correct path again this evening. And I better hold on to it tight.
