Managed to stay clean today as well. I had some urges and fantasies in the afternoon and at one point my mind was even starting to consider acting out but the whole thing was manageable. I notice I'm getting a lot of fantasies as a result of the acting outs that occurred this week (Tuesday and Wednesday). Very quickly my mind gets entangled in them and I have to snap myself out of them if I want to keep my plan of staying sober possible. I think I'm slowly coming up on a more positive mindset. I'm more open to trying to accept where I am right now in my life. Also accepting how things have been difficult and rocky for the past 7 months. This being said I still have to really see if I can slowly bring up more action this week. In facing the things that are really scaring me and that I am not doing (getting the courage to start applying for work). I have an appointment with a social worker this week, by phone, and another appointment with my therapist during the week. Looking over what I replied to Pete, above, in the reasons I want to see a psychiatrist I can see how - in the way I wrote the whole thing - I am very negative about myself and my life. I am unwilling to accept that I don't fully control my life and that I still have a lot to learn in order to reach better personal balance. I am angry because my life kind of went off the rails for the past 7 months - but what would be better is to get to a place of accepting this as a fact. Yes, it happened. But it's not over. I'm still here. I have to try to look at the half full part of the glass. I can acknowledge that I have difficulties, even recurring ones, that I have to fix something important within myself, but I have to also accept the falls, including the last 7 months. It's by accepting it, and working with it, that I can get to a better place. And perhaps even learn from the fall(s). I've worked out a lot and ran daily for the past 4 days and it's been very helpful for my mood. I've been eating pretty well also. Meditating. On Friday I slept 8.5 hours and man I felt so good, physically, that morning. Sleep is so important. Now, it's about staying clean tomorrow. One day at a time. I completely forgot to mention but since the initial relapse from Thursday of last week (which was the relapse after being clean for 20 days) I've completely cut out coffee. I'm going to stick with this, at least for the month of February. It's just another little thing that is helpful.