@Bilbo Baggins - Hey, thanks for sharing that. Yep, the way you describe the struggle with cigarettes is quite similar to my PMO pattern. It can be quite demotivating (and tiresome) to reinforce a pattern of sober/relapse/sober/relapse/etc. It's harder then to find belief that breaking the addiction (for real) can be achieved. But since some people do manage to break it even after being in such patterns, it means it's possible. My own take on this is that there is still something lacking in the commitment to break the addiction in question. Some kind of ambivalence about it. At least I think this is what's going on with my own ''battle''. I think quitting happens when one finds a really crystal clear reason to do it. And of course then there are also the skills that need to be developed and knowing how to find support (since it's rare - maybe sometimes even downright impossible - to truly break addictions alone). In my case, I think in the past I sometimes do have the right commitment, but then something alone the way breaks again, the commitment wanes and I don't stay sober long enough to further develop my skills, to further weaken the addiction. I also fall in bad depressions when I relapse after decent runs. Most probably, one element that would really make a difference for me would be some form of real life support. Most probably I may keep failing despite some sincere desire to beat this, while I don't look for real life support. I'm glad that you're managing to stay clean from PMO/MO and I hope you keep going ! I'm starting to see some signs of ED myself because of the long binges I go through (the self abuse), and it's giving me one more reason to stop this. I could have PIED as well for all I know, it's been quite some time I haven't had the chance to test this out in a ''real penetrative situation'' lol. I'm going to try to keep my head up, stay grounded, fight, and see what happens. @-Luke- Yeah being addicted to ''recovery'' isn't good, it's probably an unhealthy way to go at it. On Recovery Nation Workshop (which I remember you had done a bit of, have you finished it ?) they talk about ''healthy recovery'' and ''unhealthy recovery''. The good thing is that sometimes unhealthy recovery can transition, along the way, to a healthy one. Right now, in any case, the way I see it is that I do indeed have an addiction. My relapses show me this clearly and I would be in denial if I simply don't acknowledge it. This being said I should look for recovery and not ''recovery''. So I believe it's really about the level of self honesty with myself (not playing games). The more self honest I manage to be, the more I will not delude myself. One problem with ''trying to forget about the addiction'' is that soon enough I see that that doesn't work either. I don't know, maybe sometimes we really do have to put recovery (and staying clean) as the no.1 priority... Could be wrong, but that's kind of how I see things right now.