Learning to be myself

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Sounds like you're doing pretty well overall. Keep up the good work and stay clean .
     
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  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Life is very busy at the moment. Things have been challenging in the past few days (stress, pressure, work) and I notice that urges and fantasies have increased. I'm still clean however. Day 37 today. Still no MO either, nor a WD (but I had another sexual dream 2 nights ago). I am busy but I have to practice self care. It's the only way to stay balanced and also keep the urges lower. I can't post too much right now, but I'm hoping that posting a quick update is a way for me to remind myself recovery is important and that it would be great if I don't reset.

    @CidGuerreiro and @Ereignis - Thank you !
     
  3. Shady

    Shady Member

    Yeah stay busy. It helps.
     
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    And then it is essential that you make time for yourself. Stress is a too good friend of addiction and relapse.
     
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  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm going to complete 42 days in a few hours. I am very happy and thankful to have this clean stretch going. As a general rule I feel much better right now then I did 6 weeks ago. I still haven't MOed so far, but I had my first WD of this run, this past night. It was a pretty vivid sexual dream. The good part is that it was a dream of normal regular realistic sex (I have no idea who the girl was in the dream but she was supposed to be some kind of girl friend). I guess it's a bit funny to end up having dreams of having sex.

    The last few days have been a little tricky. I was able to get past quite an important hurdle and now I'm going to be less busy for some time. I am proud of myself in the way I stepped up to the challenge I had and I really tried my best. I didn't relapse when the pressure peaked and I didn't relapse right after (at least not yet).

    The transition from busy and under pressure to "done and free" is a challenge in itself and has created some mixed emotions in me. I felt strong euphoria and a need for excitement, but in the same time I think I should try to regulate myself and my emotions. I feel like I did balance a bit in the last days. One thing that is nice is that I have switched up my routine and started running in the morning, after meditating for a bit. It's harder to run first thing in the morning but I'll get used to it. And it's nice to be outside in the early hours when it's fresh. I'll probably keep this up instead of afternoon workouts or runs. Another thing I did was to go out for long strolls on my own (on foot or with my bike). I did feel a bit lonely, but it felt very nice as well and I think it balanced me.

    There is also a hint of unsatisfaction and frustration behind my general mood. Although in the morning I usually feel a good vibe. It's probably things that bother me with my life and that I know I have to address but that I also have to understand take time. I think I have to remember change happens slowly. Mostly I'll try to resume inner work, try to see the psychological things I need to address, and keep abstaining best I can.

    @Shady - Thanks for dropping by. Yeah having something to occupy oneself definitely can help in staying clean. On the other hand it's important also not to burn oneself out. I think it's really finding the right level of being productive and engaged in goals. But if we are overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves we can also relapse !

    @Gil79 - Yeah definitely ! I do well when I don't have a lot of stress and pressure but when I'm also committed to healing. Too much stress and not having time for ourselves is dangerous. Especially if it's day after day. As you used to say in your signature, relaxation is not optional !!
     
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Nice work. There's also the risk that leaving such an ordeal behind may create a void, so it may be good to keep that in mind.

    And I love morning runs, there's something about doing the training first thing that's satisfying.
     
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  7. Shady

    Shady Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 Thank you.
    We're all in this together.
    And yeah I totally agree.
     
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  8. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Congratulations! Progress on all fronts :). Keep going, mate! And do not forget to give yourself a little treat for completing such a big task. It's just words, but in my perception, in your last post you came across quite stable, balanced and level-headed. Maybe, make yourself a small mental memo that you will not forget this.
     
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  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Cool! I can relate to the loneliness, for some reason making walks on my own was a big hurdle at first. But when you think about how important it is to be happy by yourself first I think taking hurdles like these can be very beneficial.
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    46 days. I haven't relapsed and urges haven't been out of control. But I feel slightly depressed, melancholic and adrift somewhat, as if I have lost my bearings a little. Being done with the big project I was working on has indeed left a void. There will be more work to do, but it's less pressing. But I should probably get back to it, it will give me structure and something to focus on. But yeah, right now I'm feeling prone to emptiness and I cannot really articulate myself much, or express what's going on. Yesterday I actually cried. I was listening to some songs that brought some nostalgia to my mind and all these strange strong emotions that I can't explain came up and I allowed myself to cry. I didn't force it nor did I stop it either. Though after some time I laughed off my tears and said "what am I doing". A little bit of masculine pride coming back ;). But I am sad these days that's the truth. And I have come to doubt myself again and have lost a bit of outlook on the good work I have done. I've ended up on some PUA material again, and I think that's always dangerous for me. Especially since I am only 46 days sober. This is just early recovery. Maybe I should be careful with doubting everything, including recovery, until I am at least 6 months sober. Maybe that's one of my patterns. Doubting things too fast and falling back down. Criticizing myself.

    @Eternity @Pete McVries @Living @Shady - Thanks for the supportive comments guys. I really appreciate that.
     
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  11. Shady

    Shady Member

    Never lose hope.
     
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  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah, give it time. And not all tears are bad.
     
  13. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    That empty void feeling you get after being sober (alcohol or porn for me) after 3-4 weeks and longer is what gets me. I can white knuckle it through the first to come withdrawals in the beginning no problem, got lots of experience with that. It's when the withdrawal turns into that less painful but far more likely to take me out empty void feeling. It's far more insidious. It's like your brain is like, well we can't get this fucker to get back on the shit with the regular withdrawals, we gotta switch it up. I also think it may be some other things too. First thing is we all want quick solutions and the white knuckling the first few weeks is the part where we're all pumped we're making a change, but then a month in our situations are basically the same, just without the high (and lows) we used to get to partake in, because we can only make life changes so fast (not fast enough), and it just feels so boring, and your brains like:
    ....hey man...I know something that ain't boring....I know something that'll add that spark....Just what you need.
    (this last part for me is 100% alcohol. And the alcohol makes me relapse. If it weren't for alcohol I'd just cruise in the flatline slowlane avoiding relapse for FAR longer.....man it'd be nice.....Anyhow

    I think another part of it (which is somewhat the same as my last point) is being used to living in an emotional roller coaster and when you get away from the substance of choice your emotions are much more balanced. This may be part of what feels strange, that we are used to feeling highs and lows, and being more even keeled feels dull and boring. The major thing missing from your life is the suffering the substance caused, but somehow this feels strange and alien.
    Or maybe it's just addicted to pain, weird without it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2020 at 3:57 PM
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Very familiar and it makes so much sense that all those feelings are surfacing. Pron numbs. And probably that is why most of us use it. You take away porn and you start feeling again. I understamd it doesn't feel good at the moment, but you should be happy and thankful for these feelings. This is recovery!
     

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