Learning to be myself

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I feel the same in that it is scary and it really screws with my confidence. As opposed to a long period of abstinence which can make one super confident. Are the 2 maybe related? How natural is it to be without sexual release for a long period? Relapses always happen in a train of events in which the boundaries are slowly lowered. But the longer you abstain, the faster this train of events can take place and the more intense and extreme the relapse often is (binging). We need to find a balance (yourbrainrebalanced), but I feel that long-term abstinence is doing the opposite. Long-term abstinence feels good for as long as it lasts, but I feel more and more strongly lately that it is really about finding a balance with either intimite sex or intimite masturbation (wo fantasy) right from the beginning. As Saville always writes: neurons that fire together, wire together.
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  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    4 days no PMO / 4 days no MO

    Not too much to report. Glad to have another day without acting out. I already feel better then four days ago. I have a bit too much of the "counting motivation" right now. I feel impatience to have a higher number. This is probably okay motivation at first but I know it is not the kind of motivation that really works longer term. The novelty of the day number going up dissipates. It gives a boost in morale when I am at day 0 for a long time and then I feel happy just to get some numbers in. But I know it's about much more then that. But still, I should stay positive for now and be happy to be four days + without acting out, and also of having found some new motivation.

    My self compassion and self care have been okay for these last few days. I'm taking it slow and I realize I have to give myself permission for that. Especially at this point. Important things to do are around the corner though and I did get back to some of that today, after having been inactive in that respect for the last days. I actually had managed to be active (work wise) for three days until I relapsed yet again back on porn last Wednesday, which led to a binge for a long part of that day. A poor night of sleep and another PMO the next morning. And that's when I told myself I'm really not doing well. And started climbing back from that point.

    I have been very preoccupied with the PMO problem right now. A lot of confusion. Lack of clarity. A lot of doubts. Some panic because of not being able to find answers. Maybe this is part of relapsing to behaviors we want to stop . A loss of clarity. I guess this is why it's good I pause a bit, and focus on a short term goal of just getting back to a bit of balance. Getting up to a week. One day at a time. The answers will come.

    @Gil79 - I think those are some very valid questions that a recovery needs to address sooner or later. I guess we can kind of have an idea of what a healthy sexual life can be, but that idea will change as well as we progress and get healthier. Complete abstinence has not worked for me, so far, for more then 56 or 57 days. I also don't know, if complete abstinence is the good way to go, then for how long I should aim that ? Should I aim for 90 days hardmode and then start MO ? If I'm not too worried about PIED, should I even do hardmode ? But if I MO, will that lead me back to PMO ? If MO isn't an option, but if I also can't get a GF, should I only rely on wet dreams as a way to orgasm. So many questions o_O:eek:
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  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Everybody is different, so I can only speak from my perspective. I know for myself that hard mode doesn't work for me. Last year I was close to 3 months, then MOed once in a sleepless night, and the next day I was back PMO-ing. The last year I basically had periods of 3 to 4 weeks of abstinence which then resulted in either fantasy MO or PMO. Mostly because of emotional turmoil. I think I can say that when I abstain, sooner or later I will encounter stress, and fall back to (PF)MO. Maybe I am weak. Maybe I am not committed. But also I only know very few guys on this board who managed to do hardmode and just stay sober, so to say. So in my case, abstaining is basically putting the addiction 'on-hold'. I really think that lowering the frequency and intensity (basically from 3 times a week to once in the 3 weeks) has had a very beneficial effect on my brain, but now for me it is more a matter of transformation than abstaining. In my case with a partner, that is really to focus on having intimate sex with my wife. If I would be alone I think that would be MO without fantasy (something that Robert Glover advices anyway to guys with sex/ porn addiction) and looking for a partner. Last year I M-ed and MO-ed a couple of times without fantasy and it is definitely way more fulfilling than FMO or PMO. It can feel unnatural but that is the same with sex with a partner. Well, as I said, everyone is different and I am not trying to convince you and I am not trying to advocate for MO, but this are my thoughts from my experience that hardmode is not my thing.
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  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 5 without PMO / without MO

    Feeling pretty depressed. Boredom is a problem. I think some serious loneliness perhaps. Apathy. Very difficult to put myself on the work I need to do, here from home. Though it's important I do it, I still have problems doing it. It just feels like it activates a sensation of disgust and aversion as soon as I think about things I need to do (= depression).

    The urges aren't too strong at least. I still remember well that if I go back that path it won't make the situation better in any way, quite the contrary. I'll be here, but it will be even worst. So then I'll have to PMO some more ! Went through this little cycle 5 days ago.

    Still motivated to build up a new run, so that's good. I realize on previous runs, and just overall effort to keep PMO as low as I can, things were - slowly - improving. I know I've improved. With my life and all. But the falls are hard too. Once I fall off a good momentum, it can take a long time to get back to where one was before falling. You fall down, and then it takes a long time to rebuild. Ideally this should be a red flag to help those intense cravings when far in a streak - but I've remembered it and still chose the relapse at those point (I remember those moments). Sometimes drinking binges were involved. By stopping the drinking, better chances now. But I've had relapses on a good run even sober. Still that moment of choice. But yeah, we know how when we get to that point, the cycle is far activated and it's sometimes so impossible to stop. It's about not getting to that critical point. (wish the pic below would embed in smaller format ...)
    Can't be too hard on myself for feeling depressed right now. Many people are struggling with the current lock downs. It's not an easy situation, even for an introvert / loner. Surely though, if I get further into a streak and manage to do the stuff I need to do, I'll start feeling better. So a good momentum can definitely be achieved even in this context.

    There is a girl that I had talked to for a bit. Not really able to talk to her anymore. I had some ideas that maybe there was an opportunity with her. Maybe friendship. But secret part in me was thinking sex. So not sure if that was not just my addicted mind. Especially since I have been relapsing a lot lately. So that part of my mind may be more active right now. So I'm not talking to her anymore. It's a strange feeling, thinking about it - sadness, regret, perhaps some kind of negative judgment on myself, confusion.

    PMO is not in the picture. Or anything like going on a chat place. MO may be in the picture, as long as it's healthy. Not sure for this now. Should probably go for 2 weeks hard mode at least before an MO. Also super preoccupied with noPMO/noFap/addiction these days.

    @Gil79 - I think I'm on a similar page in what constitutes a "healthy sexual life". I agree, everyone has to define that for himself. At this point in time, I would see that as being sex with a partner (and no PMO/MO). But if one is single for long - I would see it as including, perhaps healthy MO. Not sure when to introduce that though. I've also had good healthy MOs in the past 6 or 7 months a few times. When I was in a good reboot mindset, a healthy MO helped to deter cravings that could have led to PMO. On the other hand, when I was about 93 days without PMO and 56 days withouth PMO/MO (the last 56 days of that 93 days streak) - I tried to defer sexual acting out cravings with MOs, but I still relapsed about two days later. We'll see what happens. Seems to be about learning to MO in a healthy way.
    -Luke- likes this.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    6 days without PMO / 6 days without MO

    Today was another OK day building a better momentum. Even though it definitely was a binge, my last relapse (which lasted 2 days) wasn't necessarily the "worst relapse ever" (at least by my standards). But it was yet again another plunge down that came after 3 days of efforts in the right direction. It got me off track once again, and it also made me feel very unmotivated (which I already have issues with even if I'm not relapsing). After this last relapse, I spent the next 2 days and a half recuperating and doing some inner healing work type of stuff, self care, and reflection. I also gave myself days off from the stuff I gotta do (or I just didn't force myself with that). I feel (and hope) those 2 days of healing work have helped me find myself a bit again and set a new course.

    The important "real life" things I need to focus on now do cause stress, so I'll try to be mindful of that, while still applying myself to them. I think very short term (next month and a bit) my approach will be simply to shift and build up my focus on the stuff I need to get done (i.e. the necessary stuff that is good for me/my life but boring/hard to do) AND I'll do my best to try not having another fall in PMO land (this is where in the last month or two I have had problems with recurrent falls back to PMO). This should be enough for the moment, to get back to some initial stability and a better path. After this initial period, when I'll have more time as well, I should resume the inner work and the healing work. I think these are very important in order to address the root causes of the addiction. But abstaining is important as well in order to regain some initial balance.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Your Brain on Porn says internet porn addiction gives us dysfunctional stress circuits. When exposed to stress we have a very difficult time coping with it and we have little or no resistance to falling back into addictive behaviour. Have you read TheUnderdog's My Thoughts on Rebooting epic post? I think it's the basis of my current success. Do you have a life plan and how well are you doing on it? At least, thinking about your life plan and the possibility of taking action on it might give you an alternative to acting out with addictive sexual behaviour if you get stressed.

    I think you have a good attitude, but you lack the tools.
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    7 days without PMO / 7 days without MO

    Glad to be one week sober ! Feels good. Wasn't my most productive day but I still advanced and did some stuff. Would have liked to reward myself for being at one week with a movie this evening but the time fled. I went for a walk instead and took it easy. Urges/cravings things have been quieter.

    @nuclpow - I should probably re-read Underdog's long post, it has been a long time since I read it. I think it's true that I am still missing quite some tools. I also clearly relapse when a stressful period overwhelm's me. And I suppose the binges make it even harder for my system to handle stress. I think, maybe, I also relapse for other purposes at times. I'm not sure yet what are all the dynamics behind my addiction. I found, for example, the cravings to be strong and sudden at times when for whatever reason "I feel like a looser" socially. Regarding my life vision, I should work on it more. I think it's still too vague. Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I really appreciate it.
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  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Can you set aside a positive thing to do when you feel like a loser? Perhaps you can prepare a list of things in advance that are good about you, or blessings you have that you didn't ask for but have anyway, and then refer to the list when you feel like a loser? This sounds like a CBT counselling technique to me, maybe you can look up those techniques and practice them to help you quit internet porn.

    Can you try to control when you get stressed, or avoid those times, or spread them out over more time so you can cope with them better? I don't have my stress circuits back functional yet, but it's better when I'm not anxious and guilty from just having PMOed.

    I'm trying to give you some structures which I think will help you quit internet porn. Yeah, I've read TheUnderdog's epic post about 5 times, and I think that and many other things have helped give me this long streak and recovery. It was an assortment of things for me, and it took a long time (I've been on here 7 years), but I'm trying to suggest to you to brainstorm and find solutions for all the times you start to get into that spiral of addiction you showed here earlier.

    Does any of that help?
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  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    10 days without PMO / 10 day without MO

    I'm happy to be 10 days clean. I was at 13 days not too long ago (with the lockdown already in place) but my commitment feels stronger this time. I've also been able to focus on stuff I gotta get done better for the past days. It wasn't easy after falling off the wagon, but I have been able to build back a daily rythm (not perfect, but a work in progress). It's important I try to keep this going - while also being mindful of resting well, and giving myself time to relax (in the evenings usually). Right now I feel much better then I did 10 days ago.

    These days I have been working in the mornings and afternoons. I am trying to build work blocks of two or three hours. I try to stop at 6h PM, so that I allow myself time to relax. I try to go to bed before 11h30 PM. I try to reduce the dopamine producing activities. Yesterday, I watched a movie in the evening since it was Saturday. I thought of it as a reward since I got past one week clean and I also got back to a better work routine (which was not easy). But, I won't watch movies every night. I'll read in the evening, journal, take walks, meditate. If I watch a movie, I think I'm telling myself I'm on vacation and the next day I'll have more trouble working. The reason I need to work now is important for me and there is a clear goal and that's why I have to help myself to do it. Maybe I'll leave movies for Friday or Saturday.

    @nuclpow - I think that when I'm hit with difficult social stuff I can be overwhelmed sometimes with emotions. I think self compassion is a good tool and I would say I have gotten better at not beating myself up afterwards. But it's still difficult to just be present with all those emotions and give them space to be. I'll be lost in thinking spirals. This is when something sudden happens. On the other hand there is also the gradual stress that builds indeed. I think my tools for dealing with this must be further developed... Like, I'm doing some things well and I'm maybe getting better, but I still have a lot of difficulties. I think therapy helped me and I'll have to do some more of that when it's possible (right now it's not for a time). Thanks for all the suggestions, I appreciate it ! I'll have to think about this all. If I abstain, it's more chances I think about it as well. It's a good feedback loop.
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    11 days without PMO / 11 day without MO

    I always enjoy it when I'm at 11 days clean. It reminds me of one of my earliest intentional streaks (2014) when I felt so happy to reach this mark after having tried a few times and failing before getting to this point. If I remember well, that was the time I made it all the way to 17 days or so which was quite a record for me at the time.

    Today was my 12th day straight going for a run. When I was done and was about to take the usual way to get back to my place (I always pause to walk for a minute or two) I decided to take a different way and kind of did an extra 5 min walk through a place I don't really walk through when I take walks. I thought it was an interesting to do because it was a little way to break a completely normal routine (done running = go back inside). This way I was forced to be present for a few minutes in a way that was different to the regular way to conduct the day. It made me think that breaking the routine in such small ways can be a creative thing to do, which can bring us in the present moment more.

    I'm still having difficulties in starting my day early on in terms of being productive. On the good side though, I have been able to still get on with it at some later moment and get enough work. I think with every day that I stick to a discipline well enough in terms of being productive, I have better chances the next day to keep that going. But as I was saying yesterday I also have to be mindful of giving myself time to relax in the evening.

    Have been feeling some moments of pretty strong melancholia, emptiness and depression at times throughout the day. I think this may be due to the fact that I have to be busy with something that is not all that pleasant right now (but that I do want to do, or at least have to do).

    Was watching the end of a documentary on TV in the evening. Something historical. It made me think how it's up to us how we use our time and using it on stuff that adds to our knowledge and understanding. I could be watching some completely useless videos on YT or surfing the net completely mindlessly or I could be doing something that helps me learn more. I imagine that the more one uses his free time in a smart way the more he will gather a kind of compounding understanding of things. But then I asked myself and what's the point of that ? Well maybe it makes life nicer when one gains more understanding. He can have a better time while here and maybe that's the point of life ? But then what else ? Achieving one's potential ? What else ? Helping the world become a better place ? Doing a little good ? Maybe indeed ...
    Pete McVries likes this.
  11. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    "I don't give a damn about inspiration. How would I know the right word for what I want? How would I know that I actually don't want what I want? Or that I actually don't want what I don't want? They are elusive things: The moment we name them, their meaning disappears, melts, dissolves, like a jellyfish in the sun. My conscience wants vegetarianism to win over the world and my subconscious is yearning for a piece of juicy meat. So what do I want?" - Stalker
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  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I don't think knowledge should an endgoal. If you are naturally curious, by all means do read books that answer your questions, but your goals should be about what you find important and not what a writer of a book or someone else on the holy internet finds important. There is no one way that makes life worthwhile that applies to every single human being. In fact, I think ideas like that make a lot of us unhappy. What makes life nicer are the things we actually value.
  13. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    The reason to "gain a compounding understanding of things" as you said, is to peruse the possibilities of life and after looking and looking, to find something that marginally interests you enough to put in a lot of work, and over a very long time, hopefully it develops into a passion. And then you have something to replace, in our situation, thinking about abstaining from addictions or wasting time mindlessly or whatever. Everyone can get the happy feeling from mindlessly fucking around on youtube or video games or whatever other vice. If it seems like it MAY be a waste of time it invariably is. Most people don't have any real passions, in my view. Most people will say they have lots of passions, like playing with puppies, or listening to music or whatever. Those aren't passions, because almost everyone finds those things somewhat enjoyable. A passion is something that takes a lot of unenjoyable hard work, for months or many years, to even FIND OUT that you do, in fact, enjoy doing it. If you like doing something that takes hard work that most people wouldn't be caught dead doing, because to them it would be WAY to boring, keep doing it.
    They say that all you have to do to master any subject is continuously show up every day. Just get a little better every day. And you eventually will be one of the best in the world. The more obscure the subject or higher the barrier to entry (usually the harder the subject) the higher the payoff. That's why the feel good advice "follow your passion", isn't very good career advice because people take that as play with puppies for a living. Everyone would do that so it doesn't pay shit. Most people don't like their jobs, but there are many that do that aren't rock stars, there are many say, administrative assistants, that are very passionate about their jobs, it just took years to become good at it, and then realize, I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIT.
    One of the best reasons to get all addictions and anything that makes you feel even a little shitty out of your life, is so that you can "show up every day". If I drink to excess (or even moderately TBH), I will be hungover the next day and thus will not be able to show up. I won't have the drive, I'll have anxiety, won't be my best self around people, and on and on. Even a couple days later I'm not feeling 100%. If I did this just say, mondays and fridays, I would NEVER be "showing up". And thus my life is totally fucked.
    You only have to be reasonably good at ONE thing in life to be very successful, in our current system better it be something that can be financially rewarding, but it's surprising how many things can be financially rewarding if you also learn how to market yourself or your skill or product better than the competition. I myself chose the more direct route. Just show up for one thing every day and you will make it. I am a complete failure at most things in life, but there are a few things that are interrelated that I have for many, many years made a habit (an obsession) to show up every day to learn and get better at. This has paid off to an incredible degree. The vast majority of other things that are important, I have done for a bit and given up on. So the former I had incredible success, everything else, failure. It's pretty cut and dried. Choose a path and stay on it long enough for it to become an obsession. But if one has no idea yet what to try, best to have a broad range of ideas entering your brain by perusing many subjects, and see if anything gives you even a faint glimmer of happy feeling.
    The best way to do this (for me at least) is reading books.

    Edit: Pete knows his movies man, Stalker is awesome. You don't forget that film.
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2020
  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Great post. I'd like to add that also exchanging information and views with other people is of great help. For example, you might have a skewed perspective on a certain matter but a friend of yours who is more versed in it can you give you a better and more truthful impression of it. Solely pondering about these questions on your own without getting any other input from outside often does not yield great rewards. On top of that, actually start doing or trying something, anything, will also give you a better idea of the true essence of an "item".

    Let me give you an example: MMA is not very popular in the parts of the world where I live. Nevertheless, I've heard about it more than 10 years ago. Quickly, I got the impression that it's a barbaric spectacle for a sadistic audience and put it aside. Fast forward a few years, I started training kickboxing because I wanted to learn how to fight. Subsequently, I gave watching MMA a try because I wanted to follow the sport I was practicing (there is no K1 anymore and MMA was the closest thing I could get my hands on a regular basis). The more I delved into the topic, the more I came to realize what a technical and very complex sport this is and how many misconceptions I had about it. Thinking, only mindless brutes practice it. My humble impression is that it's quite the contrary and many very mindful and intelligent people are doing it. I've been watching MMA for more than 7 years now and I still learn a thing or two technique-wise. Partly because it's such a young sport and ever evolving, partly because it's so complex. On top of that, martial arts has taught me a thing or two about discipline, character, mental strength and ways of living. Not merely by watching it but by reading books, watching documentaries and by reaching out my antennaes in general. It had such an impact on me that my little brother started training it even though he is the most stubborn person I know who rarely accepts any advice at all.

    Long story short: None of this had happened, had I not had the urge to start training kickboxing and, more importantly, actually put an idea into practice for once.

    Indeed! I also love the book "Roadside Picnic" and the three S.T.A.L.K.E.R games :D
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  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    13 days without PMO / 13 days without MO

    Today I'm having a bit more of a challenging day. I'm having a lot of negative thoughts and I'm having trouble taking a step back from them. It feels a bit like a storm of thoughts and emotions and I think it produces a lot of anger as well. I think what may have set this off was trying to work this morning and things not going too well. I then slowly slipped in a mindset of "catastrophic thinking" and also started having negative thoughts about my lot in life. I guess a lot of black and white thoughts such as "my life is a mess" ; "I'm living the wrong life" ; "things could have been so different...".

    I suppose from a more neurological standpoint this could be my mind craving and asking for another hit of dopamine. When I'm stuck in this negative mindset the idea of that rush becomes more appealing. But it's the same old trick. It will make me forget about my difficult emotions for a short time and then I'll be stuck in the same place with the same problems, compounded by having had another binge and all the additional bad emotions resulting from that. Maybe I should also note that since yesterday I have had the tendency to kind of look more intently at women (ogle) when I went outside (for instance at the store). Also on TV, when I noticed a woman, sometimes it activated quite instantaneously a type of "sexually charged" way of looking at her ...

    I guess from here the best thing to do is accept I didn't have a good day in terms of being productive and see if I can take little actions in the good direction. Or if not, surrender to the emotions. But without acting out. I did go for a walk earlier but it only helped so much. When I got back later, when I just kind of sat down and relaxed my body, for a moment things seemed to be better. I guess anger (at self and at "life") is quite a challenging emotion to deal with. And you can't really communicate with others from anger I think. Cause you are filled with negative energy. Maybe best thing is a workout later on. On the other hand I should try to catch up on the work I haven't done (this is probably one important source of negativity right now ; the squandered day).
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  16. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Good job at 13 days clean. Maybe you'll get over a hump soon, leading to long term sobriety.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    14 days without PMO / 14 days without MO

    I can't say I have that much clarity tonight (maybe I'm tired) but I'm quite happy to have 2 weeks between now and my last PMO. I feel like I am slowly rediscovering a better mindset for recovery, that I may have lost for a while. I did string 2 clean weeks together recently enough (twice) but I don't think I had the same commitment I do right now. Maybe I have slowly adopted a bit too much of a lenient attitude towards PMO again and that may have been a mistake. Maybe I had excuses and stress to explain that but on the other hand, after a while, I understood that I was just making myself feel worst and worst. Not only was I making myself feel bad with the PMO binges but I was also not addressing issues in my life that were building up. Now, things are not perfect, but I feel like I'm back at trying a bit more earnestly and with more will to not fall down as easily. On the other hand I think things will get tougher again very soon ! Hope to find the right way... One day at a time !

    @nuclpow - Thanks a lot ! I really appreciate your support. It feels good to have a bit of sobriety again and I hope to keep going. Hopefully I'll find the right tools to help myself keep going when the will power or motivation lowers again. Right now I'm feeling more committed so I think that's good. I think reading some journals on here has been helpful in finding some commitment again.

    @Doper and @Pete McVries - Thanks for the contributions the other day, sharing stuff from your own experiences. In particular, Doper, I really was inspired by what you wrote. I also think that was quite a great post. Some of that stuff reminded me of Rust Cohle from True Detective (season 1) who said that in life we only have time to get (very) good at one thing. I think I agree with you in that sometimes we need to take the "chase your dream/passion" advice with a grain of salt. I guess it's amazing if we find some joy and pleasure in what we do but we can't expect to absolutely love every day at work and have a breeze ! (I probably make this mistake often enough and it leads to negativity and a lot of "what if's".)
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2020
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  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Two weeks, nice. Even though you've reset, I think you're doing good to get back on track every time. It is true that it's easy to get less vigilant once the initial determination wears off. That's me, starting strongly but falling for the same tricks every time. What can we do to keep focused? I'm beginning to think that for me, I need to constantly remind myself of why I do this. Maybe my thick skull will get the message eventually.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 17 without PMO / Day 17 without MO --- (to be precise 17 days in 5 hours)

    I think I may have identified one of my triggers. When I feel or think that I am lacking assurance in an interaction and judge myself as being overly submissive in that moment it causes some kind of shame mixed with anger (at myself - judging myself as well) and with this hard feeling of disliking myself in that moment (because in that moment I see myself as "weak", hence "unattractive"). It's not even sure I judge myself well in such moments. I could be overly critical and also guided by some perfectionist need to be "strong" and "self assured". But in any case, at such moments, I self reject myself. It's a painful emotion, I think, and I push it far below - all this happens way below the surface. But then it creates a difficult mood, emotions - and I'm quite sure this kind of stuff leads to my cravings. Because I feel powerless and without control when this kind of stuff happens. It may, for all I know even re activate old feelings from the past when I felt powerless. And when I was a teenager and felt powerless I often used porn as a way to run away from those painful emotions and feel good. So now as well, when I feel these emotions, I feel the need for the sexual rush that will relieve me of these emotions.

    Besides all this, things have been going okay, still stable. Getting much more busy with "real life" stuff I have to take care of. This gives me an opportunity to throw myself at something and forget about PMO. On the other hand it causes stress and pressure. Also, it doesn't leave me much time to do actual "recovery work" beyond not PMOing (which is still very good though, for now). But I feel like I don't have time to process my emotions. So I'm scared this contributes to that addiction spiral starting up. I also feel like I'm getting hornier for the past few days. Some seems to be legitimate "libido" but I know how closely that is linked to the sexual binges. I also had an erotic/sexual dream last night (but not a wet dream though). It's the first on this current streak.

    I'm also hesitating to set up a counter again. But I don't know for now...

    @Eternity - Thanks, I appreciate your support man ! Yeah, when we relapse a lot of times it's hard to find the spark again. I'm not sure why now I feel more serious about recovery then I have for the past two months or so. It's a bit scary to not know what causes these changes. I think staying down there and feeling bad does give motivation to get out after a while but this kind of motivation seems to only last for a while. One thing that has helped me was reading some journals on here recently. I think it reminded me of why I want to recover. Also, reading some of my own posts from when I was doing better. I guess it made me believe in recovery again and reminded me it's about slow progress and I have to keep doing that (even if I fall again). Basically it have me the courage to try again even if I will fall again. I'm only 2 weeks sober but I am grateful for it and I think I should do what I can one day at a time.
    BoughtWithBlood and Pete McVries like this.
  20. Hey there, how are you doing at the moment?
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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