I broke a rule to myself the other day when I posted I will allow myself masturbation. The thing is I should not post such stuff when I am right after a relapse. They come from the confusion that follows. When my mind is wrestling to find an explanation. And .... I'm going to break it again. I do have to understand where to place the notion of masturbation, if I am unable to meet a woman. But ... On the other hand ... why should I not meet a woman ? Why should I even take this type of thinking ? Okay ... Porn is off the table. Fuck porn. Porn will only keep me in my lowered state. Masturbation, I will do my best not to do it. There will be no mandatory regimen to masturbate. I will put all my powers into becoming my stronger version of myself and finding a partner in real life. If I do masturbate then so be it. Better then porn. But I will try not to. There is clear evidence that I become a better and stronger me when I stick to the basics of not going for instant gratification. Yes, I somehow feel I am 100 000 miles away from taking that jump to ask a girl out. But I have to keep trying. If I go back to the porn regimen I may never ask her out. I'll just go slower and slower down a hole where society has won and all my personal power that could have been has been sapped into a pool of sapless nothing. Why sap away when I can still shine and exhort a firm Yes to life and all things ? "Chimp in state of nature never jerks off, but in captivity he does, wat does this mean? In state of nature he’s too busy, to put plainly. He is concerned with mastering space: solving problem of life in and under trees, mastering what tools he can, mastering social relations in the jockeying for power and status. Deprived of this drive to development and self-increase he devolves to pointless masturbation, in captivity, where he senses he is in owned space and therefore the futility of all his efforts and all his actions. The onanism of modern society is connected with its supposed “hyper-sexualization” and its infertility. It’s not really hyper-sexualization, but the devolution of the spirit to the lassitude of a diffuse and weak sexuality." --- Bronze Age Mindset by Bronze Age Pervert It has been a while that I have not read a passage that so well explained what I see myself. Yes the relationships between the sexes today are fucked. Yes I think it may be too late and as a species we are beyond doomed. But. If I just resolve to porn and to masturbation I have given up. I can still do all that is in my power to be at my best and still enjoy what is to be enjoyed. A good relationship is still possible. Courtship is fucked. Society is an incredible mess. It's extremely depressing. But there are still some rays of light out there. Might as well be my best and go get them, before everything crumbles. To a New Try. @forlorn - Thank you for the booze encouragement. Yes I am quite proud and happy of that. I owe this to some folks on here who have helped me see this is the good path for me again. I have some ideas where my problems have arose from, of what factors may have caused them. Namely my parents had some issues. They were stressed, perhaps a bit immature. Probably had some issues from they're own childhoods. Dad was kind of controlling of me and over critical (though maybe I am judging him unfairly). I was a sensitive kid who believed them about everything. Mom was a little bit physically absent, I had to tell her to come stay with me at night in bed but she would only stay two minutes with a watch (though maybe I am judging her unfairly). Then I also grew much later then other boys. I felt girls though I was a little child. Though in truth I desired them sexually to great lengths. I was naive, sensitive and prideful. I grew up later on, but by then I became full of social anxiety, lack of self esteem, then I discovered alcohol's capacity to make me feel cool and then the weed. The porn before that. The wildness. The madness. The decay. How lost I became. My current therapist doesn't really take the approach of going back on things much. He's more present focused. I don't know what to make of it at this point.