Day 3 It's true. Ideally I need to clarify what I want in life in a larger scheme : do I want to move to another city/country in this world ? Do I want to pursue the current career path I'm on right now or make a change ? Do I want to find a woman and have kids or do I want to live alone ? But I have the intuition that if I manage to get in touch with myself (key here : consistently enough), which is why I'm speaking of the here and now a lot, then these questions will be clarified gradually (I base this assertion on past glimpses of when I feel this has happened). I've never been able to properly answer them because I have more or less always been kind of out of touch with myself. Always lost in what people think of me and how I can modify who I am so that I can get outside approval and respect. Always trying to manipulate people's impression of me so that I can be liked (which is a healthy thing to need - acceptance and love - but this is not the way to pursue it and get it ...). Maybe I'm on a false path right now with these rather "spiritual" notions, but I feel they are right. Also I think if one is present, content, in touch with himself, it doesn't even matter where he lives, works, his family. I think stuff just then falls into place naturally. Thanks again. This lack of sincerity in my relationship with myself and the automatic masks I wear when I socialize (basically the compulsive need to hid my identity, who I am, my incapacity to own the individual that I am) has been one the the still fleeting insights I have been getting in the last days. I hope to clarify it further. On the other hand it's not something I haven't known before ... But sometimes we forget, fall and remember. Thanks for the advice regarding the panic attacks. I know they are tough I have them sometimes. It feels like we are going crazy. It can be unbearable. It's pure despair. Then it passes. And sometimes you come out stronger and so much calmer. So I'm currently on Day 3 and feeling pretty hopeful about this new start. I hope I can make it a good new streak. I know this enthusiasm may wane, at least a bit, sooner or later, but I'll take it for now. This time I'm gonna be more conscious of how alcohol and drugs can bring me down. How they aren't worth it. I'm gonna go back to not drinking a lot (and focusing on connecting instead of the fun of getting drunk with friends) instead of giving me the freedom to drink as much as I feel like when I'm out. I'll combine this with staying off the P. Hopefully it will resume some of the positive changes I've made to myself in recent positive momentum phases (not everything is lose when we relapse). Finally, another thing that is clear to me now, and that has come from the inputs I have received from Johnny Bravo and Living regarding healing solitude and disconnecting from all the stimulation. I'm basically always looking for some stimulation of some kind. Always wanting, always desiring. Always over excited. It's probably temperamental and has been exacerbated in my life experience (amplified). Compulsive PMO binges may well be the peak expression of this need. Like you guys have said, the more we try to scratch that itch of wanting of boredom, the harder it (paradoxically) itches. The less satisfaction, the more the thirst. On the other hand, the more we accept the initial itch, the discomfort of just being, the more we may find the peace and contentment we're looking for - most of all, the answers we're seeking (hence why when one finds himself, he knows what he wants, he knows then the larger perspective which comes naturally). Then from this peace and contentment new possibilities open up. We can start getting what we need, we want - it almost comes to us on it's own and we're here ready to receive it. But in a calmer way. Next challenge is to not get overwhelmed at this point. It's easy to fall back into gripping things to strong once you get a taste of what you wanted. Again ... in the end it seems it's about being in touch with oneself and not gripping life to hard (freak control, over-desire). On having that healthy dose of detachment ; to live and let go at the same time.