Learning to be myself

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 3

    It's true. Ideally I need to clarify what I want in life in a larger scheme : do I want to move to another city/country in this world ? Do I want to pursue the current career path I'm on right now or make a change ? Do I want to find a woman and have kids or do I want to live alone ?

    But I have the intuition that if I manage to get in touch with myself (key here : consistently enough), which is why I'm speaking of the here and now a lot, then these questions will be clarified gradually (I base this assertion on past glimpses of when I feel this has happened). I've never been able to properly answer them because I have more or less always been kind of out of touch with myself. Always lost in what people think of me and how I can modify who I am so that I can get outside approval and respect. Always trying to manipulate people's impression of me so that I can be liked (which is a healthy thing to need - acceptance and love - but this is not the way to pursue it and get it ...).

    Maybe I'm on a false path right now with these rather "spiritual" notions, but I feel they are right.

    Also I think if one is present, content, in touch with himself, it doesn't even matter where he lives, works, his family. I think stuff just then falls into place naturally.

    Thanks again. This lack of sincerity in my relationship with myself and the automatic masks I wear when I socialize (basically the compulsive need to hid my identity, who I am, my incapacity to own the individual that I am) has been one the the still fleeting insights I have been getting in the last days. I hope to clarify it further. On the other hand it's not something I haven't known before ... But sometimes we forget, fall and remember.

    Thanks for the advice regarding the panic attacks. I know they are tough I have them sometimes. It feels like we are going crazy. It can be unbearable. It's pure despair. Then it passes. And sometimes you come out stronger and so much calmer.

    So I'm currently on Day 3 and feeling pretty hopeful about this new start. I hope I can make it a good new streak. I know this enthusiasm may wane, at least a bit, sooner or later, but I'll take it for now. This time I'm gonna be more conscious of how alcohol and drugs can bring me down. How they aren't worth it. I'm gonna go back to not drinking a lot (and focusing on connecting instead of the fun of getting drunk with friends) instead of giving me the freedom to drink as much as I feel like when I'm out. I'll combine this with staying off the P. Hopefully it will resume some of the positive changes I've made to myself in recent positive momentum phases (not everything is lose when we relapse).

    Finally, another thing that is clear to me now, and that has come from the inputs I have received from Johnny Bravo and Living regarding healing solitude and disconnecting from all the stimulation. I'm basically always looking for some stimulation of some kind. Always wanting, always desiring. Always over excited. It's probably temperamental and has been exacerbated in my life experience (amplified). Compulsive PMO binges may well be the peak expression of this need. Like you guys have said, the more we try to scratch that itch of wanting of boredom, the harder it (paradoxically) itches. The less satisfaction, the more the thirst. On the other hand, the more we accept the initial itch, the discomfort of just being, the more we may find the peace and contentment we're looking for - most of all, the answers we're seeking (hence why when one finds himself, he knows what he wants, he knows then the larger perspective which comes naturally). Then from this peace and contentment new possibilities open up. We can start getting what we need, we want - it almost comes to us on it's own and we're here ready to receive it. But in a calmer way. Next challenge is to not get overwhelmed at this point. It's easy to fall back into gripping things to strong once you get a taste of what you wanted. Again ... in the end it seems it's about being in touch with oneself and not gripping life to hard (freak control, over-desire). On having that healthy dose of detachment ; to live and let go at the same time.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    So much this!! So much. Addiction makes it so hard to know what you want. I know from looking through my old hand written journals they were just filled with longing. Full of berating myself for not being better.

    You are on the path to healing. But right now baby steps. Baby steps.

    You got this.

    PC
     
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  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 4

    Thanks @Professor Chaos. Yeah, let's take this one day at a time. And have patience. And look for my authentic self. For the answers within.

    I had a weekend filled with socializing and some partying last night. Socialized with some people I knew and also had the occasion to meet some new ones. There were even some interesting girls, in particular one (quite attractive). I was pretty enthusiastic and in a good enough mood so I was pretty social and didn't feel held back too much with social anxiety (although I wasn't either fully authentic or comfortable) ; but it was comfortable enough and controlled.

    I see it's pretty hard to really have the courage to be authentic, yourself. To not try to play a role in order to impress people and to make your place in the "social game". To accept your identity, your differences, your uniqueness without trying to mask it. It's hard because you think if you are truly who you are, without trying to modify it, you will be uninteresting, boring or weird. For me it seems its quite a deeply built in automatic response to mask my personality in order to fit in. To tweak it in order to be liked. I think this is where my battle needs to happen. If I manage to change this, to slowly come out of my shell and have the courage to present to others who I am, then my addictions will subside.

    Although I was controlled initially, as the evening/night progressed I ended up drinking more then I should have and also ended up smoking weed again (that dangerous combo). It was quite a party but still, should have moderated even better. Instead of finding the courage to interact more with the girl I found interesting I was attracted to the idea of drinking. Because it's easier I guess. In the end the girl disappeared and there went that chance. Good thing though I didn't get too drunk. But still. It's more the the norm I'm looking to implement. And then that weed smoking too.

    Today I felt melancholic, nostalgic, and some regret. I feel like yesterday could have been so much more (even if it wasn't terrible, especially at first). That girl's image was hauntingly present in my mind, in my state of hungover hornyness, desire, tiredness. The silver lining though is that I still try to socialize more and more and I think I'm getting more comfortable because I keep doing it. Like muscles at the gym. But I really have to stop using the crutch of alcohol and of the "party guy drinker" identity in order to fit in. That's not the real me, or at least not the best of me. I think I can be more then that.

    Another positive is that I seem to slowly create moments where I am in contact with girls. Because if I socialize inevitably there will be such chances.

    With the melancholic mood today, the regrets, and the mind being unbalanced from yesterday's abuses, there were urges to relapse. To go have that fun. But I was able to resist. I think mostly because in the last week, after the last fall, and all the inputs I have gotten on here about finding answers in nourishing solitude, I have reminded myself more clearly why I want to do this. And who I think I can be. That's why I said no to the urges and I know this mood will change tomorrow already.

    Instead of PMOing/relapsing it's better to keep working towards that brighter and more authentic version of me I want to develop.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
  4. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Its only hard for you to be authentic right now because youre not used to it or youre scared something bad will happen.

    Im authentic and cant imagine being inauthentic ever again.
    But ive had years of practise.

    What stopped you being authentic with the hot girls at the party?
     
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I guess fear of a more authentic me being disliked, rejected. And worst, rejected by an attractive girl. I know this fear is cowardice but it's the fear that is inside at that moment if I analyse it.

    It's probably conditioned by past occasions when I was myself and was laughed at, corrected or felt rejected. I learned to modify who I am in order to fit in and, in a way, survive. As a result I didn't discover my true self and haven't become secured in who I really am (like I guess many on here, and many addicts in general).

    Just as one random example, I remember once, long time ago, when I was in my mid teens I was at a dancing place with some "cooler kids" around my age too. I felt in a good mood that time and was dancing naturally, letting go - being really me. Suddenly, one of the cool kids told me (not aggressively but more as an advice) "don't ever do that move again, it was so gay". These kind of experiences had a strong impact on my young mind back then. And I think I had a lot of them.

    I guess this happens to everyone to a certain extent.
     
  6. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Face your fears be authentic. Do the gay dance love again. And live with the consequences.

    The solution to any fear is WILLINGNESS.

    If you are willing to confront the imagined dreaded worst scenario, youll not only be ultra confident but youll realise the thing you (thought) you were scared of wasnt that bad anyway.

    The solution to fear is willingness.

    "Bring it on. Laugh at me. Go ahead. Reject me. Tell me Im not hot for you......And?....."

    Theres no story attached to it.
     
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This is what I've told myself for most of my life. So much that it's become reality. I have become very anonymous and withdrawn, because the real me is locked away. If I can find the key, then I'd be able to offer conversation topics other than the weather.
     
  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    When in doubt, go with what’s true. What’s real. In other words, if you feel like you are stuck talking about the weather, acknowledge THAT.

    “Gee, I wish I could to people about something other than the weather, know what I mean? Sometimes I find it hard to keep a conversation going.”

    That’s it. Be honest. Be radically honest. There’s nothing wrong with saying.

    “I’m feeling really shy today, but I thought I’d push myself to come a talk to you”

    Believe me people love it when you open or acknowledge the truth of a conversation.

    Comedians do it all the time. They make a whole career of following this advice.

    This was my big take-away from all my time ‘in field’ as it were. It doesn’t take tones of skill or experience to do. It also changes what you are looking for when you go out.

    Instead of trying to get laid, what you are looking for is AUTHENTIC communication. People (girls especially) love this. The people that don’t are best not spent more time with. When stuck for what to say. Go with what is true.

    “You know what, I’m stuck for what to say, I want to keep talking to you, but I don’t know how”

    Imagine if you were out and someone did that to you. You’d both laugh and the conversation is now about something much more interesting.

    “I really wanna dance, but I got told the dance step that did looked really gay, now I’m a bit shy about my dance moves”

    Try it out. Don’t over think it. Don’t plan it. Go with what’s true.

    “Some random on the internet told me to try this and so now, here I am.”

    Hope that helps.

    PC
     
  9. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Yes I agree with PC.

    Also realise, many people are in the same boat as you; they want to have interactions with others, but because of our phone culture we are all sadly too abnormally introverted. When you realise many are in the same boat as you, you become the hero of the interaction rather than the 'weird dude trying hard.'

    Same goes for asking girls out; unless you meet a macho buff girl who has 10 years of feminist conditioning into her brain, no feminine woman will ask you out, but they are DESPERATLY wanting an average guy to ask them out. If you follow this lead, you become the hero and the proactive decision maker rather than the passive wall flower.

    Being proactive and being the initiator; eg: always take the first step, is so much more fun than being the passive person. Even if the passive person gets more rewards through sheer luck, it is always more fun to be the proactive hero who takes the first step.

    Be the hero! Many people are thirsting for it anyways. Play that role for a month and I dare you to challenge me you don't feel 10x more confident with who you are!
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 5

    Thanks for the replys guys some great stuff on here and hopefully I can reply better tomorrow.

    I've had some more ideas about authenticity and how my (often automatic and subtle) lack of honesty may be a root problem and how it is linked with my addictive patterns. Hope to post about it soon.

    Today I had a melancholic and depressive mood. I think it's the comedown after the excitment of the weekend. I've been left with desire, with wanting. Still thinking about how I could have taken better advantage of the opportunities, especially with one girl that was quite pretty and could have perhaps talked more with. Anywys though a lesson to take in for next time.

    Went for a sollitary walk later on in the day. My mood got a bit better but still felt a bit anxious and unmotivated.

    Felt restless yet bored a good part of the day and could feel my automatic impulse to mindlessly reach for any distraction of some kind. These last days and week have really put me on the theory that this whole compulsion may be related to a larger pattern of always wanting some superficial stimulation, the one where you numb a backround discomfort.

    On the other hand I also felt like it was such a nice day out there, had time on my hands, and would have liked some company. These kinds of nice free days are always a bit hard to take cause you're like well life is passing by. Made me a bit restless ans there was, for a part of the day, nothing that I felt like doing (so I was bored and had that automatic response of escaping with random stuff - this is the ideal state to fall in a mindless net surfing warp).

    Reconnected with some older friends and may have a beer sometime soon.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 7

    The last two days (Day 5 and 6) were pretty low energy and mood. I think overall I could call this kind of mood anxious boredom. At times it's nostalgia, melancholia then it can jump to some sort of restlessness, mysterious and deep aching desire (longing) mixed with a lack of healthy motivation to start somewhere, anywhere. In such moods, there is this sense of impatience and of life going by. Perhaps this can happen when one feels at times he's improving, tasting some signs of change (results), but then falls back. He then wonders if there actually is a way out (this is an entry door for despair) ? Part of him has this theoretical model to follow, he knows which elements would be good to do, but somewhere along the line he's incapable of sustaining it all. Or he is unable to regulate disappointments.

    What has worked more or less, these last days of down mood, is to force myself to start doing the smallest thing possible. Washing some dishes, doing some laundry, organizing some stuff around the house. And to try to not get entrenched in the negative inner dialogue and rumination. Slowly, even with small actions, the mood brightens a bit and the dialogue ceases to be as dark. A new energy is found.

    Today has been better though. I managed to advance with some decisions that have been holding me back. I think the need to make some decisions right now is clearly a factor in my current slump. When you can't choose between A and B, and you stay stuck at the crossroad hesitating and looking at both ways, you're living (and possibly enjoying) neither A or B. Not to mention the pressure that adds up.

    The anxiety between choosing has been a constant pattern, I believe, in my problems. Perhaps dating back to way back. To my early teens. I don't know exactly where this comes from, but I've always had trouble making choices. I have some kind of existential fear behind making choices. Perhaps, deep down, a fear of death (choice making anxiety is another entry door for despair). So afraid to make the "wrong choice". Apart from the existential component, it probably also comes from a lack of self trust. If this is a result of my genetic makeup (nature) or of environmental factors in my development (nurture) is not exactly clear. Most probably, and fairly, a combo of both. If I don't wanna be too hard on my parents.

    Anyways
    .

    PMO wise, the urges have been for the most part controllable these last days, perhaps because of the low mood. There was an idea to indulge, last
    Sunday, when I was tired and a bit hungover, but I managed to steer clear of that intention. Been mostly easy to hold back since then. Perhaps part of the low mood, apart from indecision, can also be attributed to "withdrawals". If that is the case, maybe things will brighten up the next few days if I keep the streak going.

    Last weekend

    I've been thinking back to Saturday night. I went out with an older friend and met some nice new people. There were even some good looking girls who were potentially single. I talked to them for a while, and they appeared interested, but after a while it fizzled out and I lost track of them. Later on I herd they left, and I felt disappointment and regret. I had made the mistake to go for the "partying" rather then to keep building the interacting. It seems to me that one of the most comfortable ways for me to socialize to people is when there is a party, when everyone is getting drunk or messed up. Those were the rare moments in my later teens and 20s when I felt free and fitting in, when "everything" happened. I felt cool. Now I rely on it, as a way to chill with people. But it's a big crutch that can misfire. So I have to develop my capacity to enjoy socializing without getting messed up. But it's very uncomfortable, many times, when I socialize without drinking. I feel, usually, out of touch with people. But it may also be because I don't hang out enough with people that are similar to me. Maybe I try, too much, to chase the "cool" people.

    I think a good goal for me this summer is to keep trying to quit Porn completely. And to mix this up with drinking less. I know some on here have advised me to stop alcohol completely. It's something I've done in the past for a few months. Right now, though, I still feel I can use it with moderation. But it will be about bringing this goal to my consciousness more. Because since the fall last year, I've gradually become more lenient on myself with the drinking. And it has obviously gone wrong many times. The golden road, here, is to go out, socialize, but not rely on the drinking. To remember to go out and rely on interaction and relaxing into it.

    I also have to get to a better place, emotionally and mentally. It goes both ways. When I'm in a good place, I actually don't feel that need to drink a lot when I go out. The goal of connecting without relying on booze to do the job of "fun" is a lot clearer in my mind.

    This being said, a good Wednesday to all and ... onward.
     
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  12. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival


    Hmm...Have you been tested for ADHD or ADD?

    The fact you say you have fear and massive anxieties coming from decision making, and that when you drink your brain calms down and you feel 'normal' suggest you might benefit from taking ADD medication?

    I self-diagnosed, and later confirmed with a doctor, that I have ADD as an adult.

    As soon as I was diagnosed with that, everything feel into place as to why I think the way I do, why it is when I took codeine I could 'relax' and feel normal.

    I as on ADD medication for a short while, and eventually felt I didn't need it anymore so came off them. No not Adderall.

    I know that's an invasive comment but I suggest only because it literally saved my life. The medication made me feel 'normal' all the time.

    And considering there is recent theory that ADD is nothing more than childhood trauma, a kind of PTSD 'after effect' of earlier trauma, signifying why people can function so well on alcohol or drugs as an adult due to it calming their brain down. Refer to Gabor Mate who got diagnosed aged 50, yes 50, years old.

    The best way to get good, or get confident and skilled, at decision making, is to just practise. And understand there is no correct choice, everything is existentially ambivalent and up to random chance to an extent, so that takes the self guilt out of decision making if something wrong happens.

    And if something bad happens, I just have the attitude of, "Oh well!" With a cheesy grin on my face and try not to giggle. If I smoked, I can picture it would be a great time to have a puff. I always picture this particular scene when it comes to decision making going 'wrong.':

    It is highly empowering to have this 'casual relaxed' attitude with decision making. You can do it with some practise.

    Hi five for extra points, for those times when things go REALLY bad and dire. You learn! Live and learn! Live and let die! Don't be timid anymore. Just make a call, and if it goes ballistic and bad, "oh well!"
     
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    What I've done before, when i used to work part time in the bar scene - if you're chatting to a girl you like and it's going well, just try for their number there and then. You don't know what's going to happen later on afterall. Just a thought ..... :)
     
  14. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    In the Amish community, they use the phrase "I hope to see you again" when they say farewell/see ya/ bye.

    One must study this well.

    It means, the future isnt set. This may be the last time you see that person. So to assume there is a future is horrible because it invites hesitation and putting off life.
     
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  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I have to say that I can relate to much of what you write. I hope we can find our answers.
     
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  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I think I said something about this feeling in one of my first posts. It's one of the least explored emotions.
     
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  17. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    I am writing on Stoicism and Morality.

    Marcus Aurelius never abused his power over people. One out of trillions of human beings.

    If a man can refuse to kill himself and decide to soldier forward with bravery, despite losing his wife and children to murder (war), then a man can abandon porn for one year no?

    Porn is hard to quit for the reason- you are the final decision in the matter. You have total access and control over your will to masterbate. Noone forces it on you. Noone says dont do it. Its a dangerously powerful thing our libido and we are exercising self restraint on the toughest human force in the human body, AND also refraining from looking at naked women within seconds of a click on your smartphone.

    If you quit porn you can do anything.

    If you cant quit porn here is a remedy: go do something severely challenging. Walk for 4 hours straight. Have a 20 minute ice bath. Eat no food and drink no water for 12 hours. Get off the smartphone and internet ENTIRLY for one day. Ask out 100 women in ONE SINGLE DAY (I havent done this. I only met one man in my life that did this). Go do the Kyokushin 100 man Kumite. Run a marathon with zero training. Do a Zen sit for 1 hour flat. Take your favourite vice besides porn and dont engage in it. Make your bed ridiculously over the top tidy. Do a sweat lodge. Refuse sleep for one whole day. Read a fat fiction book in ONE SINGLE DAY.

    After doing an accomplishment of human will, the desire to determination and succeed to quit porn for 365 is nothing.

    Stoucism will help you understand, all you have to do is exert effort. And if you wank, so be it, at least you wanked in the spirit of AT LEAST HAVING THE BALLS TO TRY NOFAP FOR A BIT. WELL DONE.
     
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  18. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    I used to drink and go to bars and try to have fun. I ended up very drunk all the time and I thought I were having fun. Until I stopped drinking.

    I gradually realised that I was not really enjoying myself. I was getting so drunk all the time, probably because I'm an alcoholic, but also because I was bored out of my skull.

    I was hanging with the wrong crowd and not having fun at all. I was constantly in a state of panic in those places and I kept drinking to feel at ease with myself.

    After I quit I hanged out for some time with the same "friends" I had back then and the shift of perspective is crazy. Going to a bar when you are sober is really boring, not because alcohol is lacking, rather because absolutely nothing is is going on. Having the same conversation for the third time in the same night with someone who is drunk is boring. Having the exact same friday night for 3 weeks in a row is boring when you can remember it.

    Realizing that most people are not really having fun there is quite a perspective shift.
     
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  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 10

    Thanks for the input and the discussions guys.

    @Johhny Bravo - Hey man, no I haven't been checked for ADD/ADHD. It could be possible sure. It's one of the conditions I have not read all that much on. Ideally though, despite my ups and downs, I'm still hopeful I can find my balance, myself, improve my life, without meds. As for the decision making I enjoyed the video you linked. It reminded me of @Professor Chaos who posted the video, once, with a Buddhist monk talking about "Relax, everything is out of control". I also agree, we get better at decision making by learning to take decisions despite the anxiety. It takes a bit of existential courage. It takes the right amount of healthy detachment from things. It takes acceptance. I think a core element in more enlightened persons is an ability to participate in life while remaining somehow detached. Outcome detached.

    @cjm - Thanks man ! Yeah I need to learn to pop that question. Get her number or social media. I've had 2 recent occasions when I got to talk to a girl I found interesting and attractive and I lost they're trace without asking that. Hopefully I pull that trigger when I get another chance :)

    @NewHorizon - I relate a lot to what you have described. Instead of such lackluster experiences I try, more and more, to go for what I call "positive social experiences". I think two signs of a positive social experience (for me at least) is less alcohol and more interacting with girls. The bar scene with people you don't have all that much in common with and with whom the main point and fun is getting trashed together is a recipe for a fake and unfulfilling experience. I've done a lot of that. I'm glad you were able to see it for what it is. I can see it too but fall back to it every now and then again.

    _____________________________

    I don't have too much inspiration tonight but I would like to log in a post anyways.

    I'm feeling better then the low mood of Monday and Tuesday (Day 5 and 6) I was describing.

    I went out a few more times. Both some positives and negatives to take away. Some lessons to learn. Some girl interaction, which I think is always in itself a progress for me. Some lessons with the said girl too. Some drinking a bit too much, which is always a mistake for me. Some analyzing the kind of friends I hang out with. How I am more in sync with some then others. How I, perhaps, often hang out with people I don't even have too much in common with. Why ? How when I'm with people I don't have all that much in common with I still have a tendency to adapt myself to they're personalities (which to be fair, I think is a natural thing to do though and everyone must do this more or less).

    Honesty. I've been thinking a lot about this since the last slip up. I feel it's a core element in my problems. Honesty with myself. Authenticity with others. I guess it makes sense because it's something I often think about and hold as an important value. Hence the name of my journal. I often feel that persons who are themselves are extremely attractive. There is something beautiful about it. Otherworldly. Especially those that don't fit the norm and find a way to be themselves. Not in a agressive way (overly anti conformist) but in that subtle genuine way. Where you see they are themselves, aren't asking any permissions and aren't boasting either.

    I think this need to go out, interact with people, be social is a good sign. I'm hoping and thinking it's a sign of health. On the other hand I can get overexcited (as I've said a few times on here) and have too many expectations. It's hard to both socialize and in my current state of "hunger" for it, to keep it chill, under control. I've also felt some restlessness at being alone lately. Feeling like I wanna go out and be with other people. But yet, it's also important to be content on my own. What better feeling then the one of blissful solitude when I don't feel I need anything. When there is no desire. When I am fully content with the present moment. When I can just walk around, look at trees, listen to the birds, and feel nourished. It's the opposite then the aching desire for more and more and more and always more.

    I need to find the balance between healthy positive social interaction (needed for balance) and contentment alone. In that alone mode - to be with myself in peace and not in evasion from myself. To re frame when on my own. Resource. And then calmly meet up with other individuals and enjoy they're company.

    Was thinking. One can not do much more then go out, and be in a good mood. Be rested and happy enough. Without to many expectations. Be present and there. Opportunities present themselves. Grab them if possible. Let them go after. Be there for life.

    Once again ... onward.
     
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  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This is what I aim for, but it's a rough path considering how much media wants to control human life. I've always had my own way, but too often do I put on the mask of anonymity. Like, I'd hesitate to admit that I listen to metal or play video games because that's not what I'm supposed to be doing. It's more accepted today, but some people still think that you're from another planet. This is what I want to become comfortable with; not be afraid of showing who I am.
     
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