Learning to be myself

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I’m 30 years old and single. I’m looking at my life and don’t like what I see.

    I think these are the 5 worst things about my life :

    1 – My social anxiety
    2 – My relationship with women
    3 – My addictions
    4 – My negative family dynamics
    5 – My finances

    As a result of these I have low self esteem, depression, anxiety and simply do not have much joy in my life. I'm far from being the person I think I could be.

    If I work on these areas, my life should improve - and my well being. Porn, is one of the elemens which, if removed, should place me in a better position to deal with life. It's not the only piece of the puzzle but it's an important one and I will try to commit to effectively learning to live without it.

    Today was a bad day. I've PMOed twice and was on P for hours. The whole day passed by without me doing anything positive for myself.

    I hope this journal will be a positive step in the direction I want to go.
    Rudolf Geyse and Merton like this.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Welcome and good luck on your journey!
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Dark Red.

    1 day free of PMO/MO.

    The day was okay. Had some minor cravings, but they were manageable.
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I went for 28 days clean (hardmode) but I slipped back last sunday. It's the longest I've ever been able to go. I went 37 days once, 2 years ago, but I had a girlfriend at the time and thus had a sexual release. Since slipping on sunday, I've been binging quite a bit.
    I don't think I can go hardmode indefinitely, being a single guy who's bad at getting girls. At some point the sexual need becomes so intense I just can't think about anything else. Even if I go to sleep, it's there the next day. I become so horny that I fantasize about more hardcore stuff. I think the best would be an occasional MO release. If only I can find a way to stay away from P and MO every now and then.
    I'll have to try again but right now I don't have a plan.
    bouclesansfin likes this.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey guys,

    I haven't posted in quite a while but figured maybe now is a good time.

    I'm in an incredibly bad relapse cycle unfortunately. I'm pretty much alone and don't know how to deal with it anymore, I'm at my wits end. But I'm trying to be calm, somehow positive, and move forward. I was doing quite well, I thought and felt, from the end of summer until about mid fall. Not only was I managing my urges and staying away from the compulsive behaviors but I was making many positive changes. I was becoming more assertive, working on my skills. I felt I was progressing and thought I could see genuine signs of improvement. Unfortunately stress got to me slowly and I lost my momentum gradually. I've had a series of relapses, from smaller to larger and larger. And now I'm just not able to get back on the wagon.

    Hopefully I can figure it out.
    occams_razor likes this.
  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    You can do it.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks friend. Hope so.
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi guys,

    I had a big relapse on Thursday night and yesterday I was super depressed, wasn't able to not PMO 3 times over the course of the day. I was hungover as well.

    I managed to get a good night of sleep last night, at least. I must have slept about 8.5 hours. Today perhaps I will be able not to PMO. And get a Day 1 in.

    Unfortunately I am extremely down and low today as well. Because of all these relapses I've had. I feel like I need to make a serious change in my life in order to be able to take a new start seriously. Otherwise, if I do the same thing again, I will add on some good days and then will relapse again. As usual.

    Maybe I need to change my occupation, move somewhere else. Something like that. I know that is not what would solve everything but it would help building momentum.

    If I relapsed it's because I'm still not doing something correctly. Relapse is a symptom.

    I hope I can manage to stay away from PMO, forgive myself for the relapses, start building back some calm and fostering some clarity.

    As they say, one day at a time. I don't have another choice right now.
    nuclpow likes this.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey guys,

    Yesterday I was able to have a clean good day. I took advantage of the fact that it was Saturday and had the day to myself (without responsibilities). Often in those times we can use that space exactly to indulge in the unhealthy behaviors but fortunately I was able to break the pattern yesterday after being down in the gutter, and get a good day in ; I took care of myself yesterday, which is the foundation of any recovery effort. I can already feel a bit more calm, more perspective. I have to try to build on this.
    occams_razor and Antonius like this.
  10. Antonius

    Antonius Member

    TLWH, build on today. When you’re in the dumps, it can be so hard to climb out. You did that for a day! Try it again tomorrow.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words Antonius.

    Today is Monday morning and soon I have to leave for work and start a new week. I've just finished my coffee - drinking it basked in a nice winter sunlight that was coming through the window. I closed the TV and simply started reflecting on my situation. There is this uneasy feeling about what happened, about my relapses.

    I managed to get a second good clean day in yesterday (Sunday). With Saturday, that makes two days where I nurtured myself appropriately. I slept enough, I ate well, worked out, I tried to calm down, get some healthy rest. I took advantage of the fact that it was the weekend and didn't have anything to do. These two days have given me a bit of stability. I know the best thing to do is to keep building on them. It's the healthy thing to do.

    But, I'm having trouble processing my relapse - from late November until now. Especially the last week I've gone down in compulsive behaviors to a very strong degree. This happened right before starting a new year, and also before an important period of 4 months at work. It's as if I've completely self sabotaged myself. I don't know how to process this self destructive action of mine and it makes me very worried for the future. I'm gonna have a hard time at work for the next couple of weeks, socially. It's gonna be hard to put this aside and focus. Part of me is thinking to quit, take time off, and focus 100% on recovering. But I don't think I can do this, financially speaking.
    nuclpow and Antonius like this.
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey guys,

    I am slowly (trying to) build back a foundation of clean days. I've got 4 clean days in (where I not only abstained but tried constructing the positive habits) - and "working" on my 5th day right now.

    Monday was really hard socially speaking. I could barely focus at work. I was depressed. Tuesday was better however. Not easy, but better then Monday.

    It's not an easy week and I am trying to accept this fact.

    I guess the only option is to take it one day at a time. Hope I can build some positive momentum again.

    Good evening/day to all.
    Antonius and occams_razor like this.
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I PMOed yesterday so I am back on day 1 today. I was clean for 4 days so I guess that's a start. Gotta focus on the positive right now. No point in being negative. The good part is that I didn't PMO for too long, didn't go on more ''hardcore'' stuff (kept it pretty vanilla) and I didn't beat myself up after. Lately once I PMO in a day I have usually fallen in a binge where I PMO a few more times the same day, but yesterday I stayed at 1. I had cravings in the evening but managed to say no to myself and go to bed instead and get some good sleep.

    Today I'm clean so far but I'm having some cravings (chaser I guess from all the recent relapses). Hopefully I can stay clean.

    With my work situation I am really thinking maybe I'm gonna go for a switch. It's a big decision but I think it's a major part of what is making me unhappy in my life and why I have relapsed in the last months. I've been thinking about a switch for a while but I try to stick it out and follow common sense and try to make it work. In the fall I gave it a real shot and I was doing well but in the end pressure got to me and many bad habits resurfaced (PMO and sometimes drinking too much).
    occams_razor likes this.
  14. Antonius

    Antonius Member

    You’ve managed to fight the urges and even stayed four days clean when you were in the dumps. That’s tough to do, pal. Keep up the fight and good for you for trying to identify the underlying problems and deal with them.
    nuclpow likes this.
  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support Antonius, appreciate it.

    After the one PMO on Wednesday I have been clean so far. I think I am gonna be able to manage things tonight as well. I'm taking it easy and plan on relaxing and resting in healthy ways. I've done a lot of physical exercise lately and it's helping for sure. Meditation and reading as well. I'm still reflecting about the work situation and whether I should stick it out or not with this current career path. Hopefully I'm slowly coming out of the rut and will clear my mind and find some solutions and get back on the recovery effort in a more stable way.
    Antonius likes this.
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 4 (evening)

    Hey guys, after my last slip on Wednesday (1 PMO, less compulsive then the previous relapses) I am now a little more in control of the PMO usage. I was mostly at home this weekend by myself and yet I managed to not PMO. I've gotten some decent rest, slept well both nights, didn't go to sleep too late, woke up early enough, ate well, meditated in the mornings and in the evenings.

    For the coming days I'm gonna focus on staying the course with the basic healthy discipline habits, I'll work out everyday, and I will see if I can set up a meeting with a therapist in order to try to address these issues.

    There is still an underlying constant anxiety, stress and depression ; there is a lot of uncertainty and doubt about my current career path.

    Although I was already hesitant of it, the big binge relapses I've had in the last 2 weeks have really made me more keen on finding a different career path. But the problem is I don't have another clear plan so it's more like a need to escape my current one. I have some dreams but I'm not sure if they are not the product of an out of balanced mind and imagination. Hopefully if I keep the good habits going and find some balance and stability, I will achieve better clarity in the coming days. Anxiety will still be here for sure but balance should help in dealing with it in healthier ways instead of PMO.
    Antonius, occams_razor and Merton like this.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sounds good. I think Meditation and Exercising are two of the most positive things you can do while rebooting. A good way to use your time, works for dealing with cravings and can help with anxiety and self-esteem.

    I always found it very helpful to focus on positive habits instead of just trying not to PMO.
    Antonius and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Luke! Yeah I also feel like meditation and exercising are very helpful. They are like a foundation for positive change.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 7 (evening)

    Thankfully I am slowly becoming a little more stable, at least PMO wise (hope I'm not jinxing myself). I am pretty content to reach one week of being "hardmode" clean.

    I don't have to much to report. I'm trying to stay in reality and take care of things, of my life. Trying to remember to be good to myself yet not use that as an excuse to indulge in bad habits (such as procrastination). It's not always easy to find the right balance of being good to self and pushing yourself, a little - enough - to slowly make progress and get better at dealing with life.

    Socially, I'm doing better then last week (when I was right after some very difficult relapses) but things aren't smooth yet (as expected and I guess, normal). I have to accept this as part of the process. Regarding my career choice hesitation I was discussing in earlier entries, I have taken the decision, for now, to keep doing what I'm doing (even if a big part of me doesn't feel right with this path). My main reason for this is that I do not wanna take a drastic decision when I'm in a ''post-relapse crisis'', when I'm totally down, depressed. So for now I think it's best if I can, slowly, try to get back on a good momentum, find some stability and balance - and then from there resume on addressing the underlying issues (my career path included) - but no hasty decision.

    On the other hand, the series of relapses I had were so difficult for me psychologically speaking that I was not sure if I could actually keep going to work. I was very low and very anxious, and quite alone to deal with those feeling. Fortunately, I was able to keep going and now I feel a little better.

    Except for getting the stability back, I also have to figure out ways to address what went wrong ? Because if not, I will eventually relapse again in the future. The relapse is always a sign that the approach is still not skilled enough, that there are still adjustments to make. One of the things I'm thinking of doing, in the following days, is finding a therapist to undergo a few sessions. I've had therapy before but I have never discussed the compulsive sexual issue. I think it would help, even if it's not necessarily an easy thing to talk about.

    One day at a time. Slow and steady.
    occams_razor likes this.
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Day 13

    I'm in a better place, psychologically, then I was two weeks ago. Today, however I am experiencing some very strong cravings and entertaining fantasies in my mind. I haven't slept well last night, perhaps only around 6 hours and they were not very good quality either. Motivation for work has come back a little. I've been engaging, overall, in healthy habits and a healthy routine ; meditation, physical activity, eating well enough, trying to sleep good hours. On the "working on the underlying issues" front I have not made huge strides (that's okay for now) - so I've been mostly abstaining rather then recovering so far. But it's a start. I kind of (not totally though) know what I need to do and it's a matter of going (trying to at least) in that direction. On the social anxiety front, I'm also doing better then two weeks ago when the shame of the relapses was very hard to carry around (and hide). I've started, again, taking some small steps in challenging my social anxiety. I've also noticed I've lost some humbleness and become a little more cocky. Which is something to be aware of and try defusing.
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
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