Learning self respect. (My recovery journal)

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by The P.I.E.D Piper, Feb 26, 2021.

  1. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Tonight I'm really just writing as a formality. It's part of feeling accountable and keeping track of progress. Nothing really happened today. It was totally dull. And honestly, that's probably a good thing! I don't really want this to be an all-consuming, life or death challenge. Some days I'd like to just loose myself in work and forget that I'm overcoming one of the biggest demons in my life. It's nice that it can be boring sometimes! I'm sure harder times are on their way. After all, it's almost spring which means shorts and tank-top season is just around the corner! I need to gather all my strength now, while I have the chance! Haha... :p
  2. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Double digits! Woohoo! I'm 10% of the way to my 100 day goal!

    Last night was a close call! A friend called me up late and we ended up talking about some pretty triggering subjects. I should mention that, during this reboot I'm trying not to throw around the "T" word too often. Building resilience is part of the reason I'm doing this so I don't want to declare myself "triggered" every time a sad memory enters my mind or when I see a girl with beautiful legs in a futon advertisement. But sometimes you've gotta call a spade a spade and admit that you've been set off by something in a way that's beyond your control. When I hung up the phone last night, my addiction started bargaining with me... hard! It's when I start to feel sorry for myself that abstaining becomes difficult. I start to feel like "What's the point of putting myself through this kind of discomfort?"

    ...But I stayed the course! Got a drink of water, turned out the lights and went to sleep. 100 days is going to be really hard but I believe I can do it!!!
  3. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    I feel sad. :( I relapsed on what would have been day 12 right around midnight. I'd been tossing and turning all night with insane dreams and terrible urges. The next day was going to be demanding and I was already dreading what the lack of sleep was going to do to me. I couldn't take the discomfort any more and let myself M/O (no P!) feeling angry the whole time. After that I fell asleep no problem telling myself not to waste my time on feeling ashamed or judging myself. The next day though, I was in such a dark place I just let the relapse continue (with porn) feeling so shamed out I didn't post here for over a week.

    It may be time to adjust my expectations. I could use some input on this from you guys! "Perfectionism" has always played a deeply negative role in my life and I tend to expect way too much from myself. I think after years of addiction and reinforcing bad behaviours It's pretty unrealistic to think I can just "get on the wagon" and crush a 100 day streak (which was my goal.) I've been weight training for a couple months using a program where I started with weights that seemed way to light and added 5lbs each workout. It's starting to add up to some respectable numbers!

    So, my fear is this: If I set my goals too low it will be like giving myself permission to relapse sooner. But maybe, like with the weights, building up a gradual tolerance to the discomfort is a more realistic approach than setting myself an impossible starting goal and kicking my own ass when I don't reach it. What do you guys think? Any opinions would be appreciated!
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    This has been debated on my thread - is it a cop-out to congratulate yourself for taking small steps in the right direction, when total abstinence is the goal? Most of the guys agreed that perfection is a direction, not a destination. I've relapsed way, way too many times since I started on here but I honestly feel like I'm in a better shape than at the start. When I started out I was using PMO to fall asleep nightly. My record now is around 40 days without relapsing. Improvement without doubt.

    My conviction is that the moment you accept PMO as a part of your life, accept that you'll never change or improve - you've lost. If you walk away from a PMO and you're ok with that behaviour - you've lost. This means that you have to watch out for lying to yourself that it is ok to give in to an urge because "you're heading in the right direction." I maintain that it is never ok to give in to an urge. The fight against PMO is evidence you're on the right track.

    I'll race you to 50 days. I've got a head start. ;)
  5. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Haha! Thanks for the insight! 50 days would be quite something! It's a real testament to the power of this stupid addiction that after years of alcohol abuse I'm closing in on three months of total sobriety, yet one month without PMO feels like climbing Mount Everest! I can really appreciate the "direction, not a destination" mentality! My 12 day streak seems like a pretty sad run if I focus on the failure but it's also true that if I relapsed every 12 days then I would only resort to PMO 30 times in a year! I'm not proud to admit it but I've definitely hit that number in a single week on multiple occasions! I'll probably never become a monk and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that, at almost 37 years old, my sexual peak is behind me. So yeah... it's probably time to loose the "all or nothing" frame of mind and start celebrating more manageable victories! (While still striving for Zero relapse!)

    My current record is 27 days and I would feel so empowered if I doubled that! Here's hoping we both celebrate 50 streaks in 2021!!
    Thanks again!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.

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