Learning self respect. (My recovery journal)

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by The P.I.E.D Piper, Feb 26, 2021.

  1. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    I had an account here back in the summer of 2020. I white-knuckled my way through a month of hard mode and was beginning to experience some benefits but got badly triggered and let myself relapse. Another couple months of half-hearted attempts (a week here, four days there) and my self esteem was pretty beaten down. I eventually stopped logging in. I felt embarrassed every time I had to reset my day counter.

    Here I am again! Some things are different now. I haven't had a drink in two months whereas during my last reboot attempt I was drinking at least a six-pack a day. Also, I've been working out for five weeks! Spring is just around the corner and for the first time in a year I'm feeling some real optimism about the future!

    Still, there's this fucking addiction to deal with!! :( Ironically, sobriety and regular exercise have increased my sex drive and since I'm single and living alone, this is not helping to lessen my porn consumption! I am wasting a pathetic amount of time!

    It's been years since healthy, caring sex was a regular part of my life. When this stupid pandemic loosens it's choke-hold, I'd really love to go on some dates, give intimacy another try, see if I can un-fuck my mental state enough to be a good partner to somebody. This and a million other reasons to finally cut P & M out of my life.

    March 1st is only two days away. Seems like a perfect time to start a day counter! I'll be looking for an accountability partner (or group) and hitting this hard! All advice is very welcome!

    Wish me luck!
     
    Rudolf Geyse and MrDalloway like this.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Hey man! Funny name, I like it. First advice I'd give: the sobriety thing, stick to it, hard. For me it's the only thing that gave me enough clarity to have a chance.

    Ya, Spring is a nice time for new beginnings.

    Apart from that, welcome back and all that!
     
  3. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Thanks @dark red drifter vessel! I hear you about the sobriety! For me, I recognize that it's part of a bigger pattern of comfort seeking to get away from pain/guilt/anxiety. Same as the porn. Originally I was just going to dry out for January but then February rolled around and I didn't feel like inviting booze back into my life.
    Hope you're well and thanks for the welcome!
     
    Swimming in Circles likes this.
  4. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Well, I promised myself I would start a reboot the day after tomorrow on the first of March. I would be lying if I said I felt strong right now. I'm really in the thick of this dependency and haven't had time to taper off but I guess if I waited until I felt "ready" I would probably never start. This isn't like moving into a new apartment where you need to make sure you have all the stuff out of your old place. It feels more like setting your old place on fire with everything still in it!
     
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Same. I started quitting booze, as I needed a clear head for quitting smoking (which was comically, nintendo hard for me, not gonna lie), and now I don't even miss it. And I've come to undrrstand I need any edge I can get in this.



    I generally agree, but still feel half assing it is not gonna work, and you need a certain you-must-be-this-tall-to-ride amount of decidedness to start. So, gathering you're strength and stuff seems a good idea.
     
  6. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    I definitely feel this and back in the day I screwed up a lot of attempts to quit smoking for that very reason. Half-assing it and not committing to the change. The way I finally kicked cigarettes probably wouldn't work for PM. I made a pact with a friend: Whoever smokes first for the rest of our lives owes the other one $300! That was five and a half years ago! Even if I am feeling a little shaky right now, I'm committed to the long game. This lifestyle is eating away at me and something has to change now.
     
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Then return the favor and lay siege to its cities, devour it whole, bash it on Facebook! :3

    Re the 300, I mean they do say everyone has a price.
     
  8. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Fuck yeah! Porn is gonna miss me so bad, it's gonna need to see a therapist! :D
     
  9. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Alright. It starts tomorrow. Back on the wagon. No big ceremony, no fanfare, just down to business. Two weeks of insomnia and brain fog, here I come!!! Woohoo!!!
     
  10. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    As predicted, the first day and a half hasn't been too bad. Some invasive, sexual thoughts popping into my head but nothing crazy.

    On regular weekdays, if work was stressful (and it almost always is) I would get home in the afternoon and log right into MyFreeCams.com. I've been trying to unpack the reasons why webcam sites became my particular guilty pleasure. I've read so many accounts of people's porn preferences becoming more and more extreme over time as a way to combat desensitization and maintain some level of novelty. I guess I'm grateful that my tastes never veered toward anything risky, illegal or deeply fucked up. If anything, I think I started seeking content that felt as "real" as possible. (Totally aware of the paradox! Seeking out the fakeness that feels the most real! Haha!) But honestly, I always found something so endearing about how clumsy and un-rehersed webcam streams are. Over the years that I've been hooked on webcams I've seen genuine tears of joy and sadness, dogs and cats video-bombing the streams, many drinks knocked over, burps, farts, burn victims and girls with deformities celebrating their bodies and learning to feel beautiful again, guys tipping models more money than I make in a month, bruises and pimples in unfortunate places, terrible pole dancing, horrible singing and I'm pretty sure I've gained at least a B1 level of proficiency in Russian! And then... every once in a while... I would find a girl who really resembled a particular Ex of mine. That's when things would get obsessive.

    ...but for the last two afternoons I've come home from work and started doing chores right away. Yesterday, I did laundry, roasted a chicken and finished reading a book. (Remember books!?!) Today, I made myself a snack, wrote this journal entry and now I'm going to the basement to lift weights!

    I know it's going to get harder (It always does) but I'm meeting the challenge head-on!
     
  11. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Day three is rounding to a close. I have to say, sobriety is really helping me to stay present and redirect my thoughts when my mind wanders to undesirable places. The last time I did this, I feel like I was cheating a bit and that's what tripped me up. I didn't look at porn with my eyes but I would let myself fantasize all the time. I would daydream about that particular Ex girlfriend. Somebody I hurt badly. Real life guilt has always been such a huge trigger for me. On the week of her birthday I found myself feeling more and more disregulated (i.e. fucked up.) I spent a lot of time remembering what it was like sleeping with her and after six years (pathetic, I know) I really started coming to terms with how completely gone she was from my life. I didn't even realize what I'd been doing for those six years, filling the void with other women, either in the form of bad relationships or bingeing on porn. When I started to reboot in the summer of 2020, all those distractions were removed and I was forced to really look at this big empty space in my life. It got the best of me. The day after her birthday I sent a message to her old email address and that night I relapsed after a month of hard mode. I never did hear back from her.

    This turned into a pretty pathetic sounding journal entry but it's where I'm at tonight. I guess that's why I decided to call my journal "Learning self respect." I want to move past this old version of myself and become somebody who I can admire. It'll happen through hard work.
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Out of curiosity, thats a cptsd term, isn't it?

    The void in our soul is something we kind of need to become friends with I feel, but it's never a love at first sight thing, more of an aquired taste. So, you looked into the abyss, and the abyss winked at you in a flirtatious manner of sorts, and you run screaming. Pretty good first date! :3

    While I personally am not a fan of messing with exes (specifically because I know how destructive it is, how pointless. I did try this at home and there's a reason they tell you not to) do you feel you still need to deal with the matter of you hurting her six years back? Like, for yourself? (She's prolly either over it at least in a no contact kinda mood, and I think staying away is better.)
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  13. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Shit dude, wish I could go back and re-title my journal "First date with the abyss!" That's way more badass than "Learning self respect!" Haha! Oh well. I'm committed now!
    Yes, I definitely need to forgive myself for the stupid things I've done. A lot of guilt is still following me around but in the last four days of staying away from my triggers, things have felt a bit lighter.
    And yeah! I learned about disregulation through cptsd resources. You know your shit!
     
  14. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Day 4 is wrapping up. Nothing I deserve a medal for but worth mentioning anyway!
     
  15. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Ha, I wish that was true in that case. I only looked into the matter from a somewhat one sided vantage point, and only recently, I have to say though, the cptsd model, as far as I have understood it is the only model that explains my behaviour and issues. Do you have any ressources to recommend?
     
  16. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    You can change the title. If you go to "thread tools" under the title of your journal on this page, you can "edit title".
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2021
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Go ahead. I have somewhat mixed feelings about my own journals name, but it has been 3,5 years, so maybe it's okay.
     
  18. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Well, it's day five and the invasive fantasies are ramping up a bit. Slept pretty badly last night and the urges are definitely noticable. Y'know... usual day 5 shit. Now is probably a good time to remember how useless and ashamed I would normally be feeling on a Friday afternoon, wasting hours of my day, comfort seeking. I'm glad to be taking this seriously again. It doesn't feel awesome right now but I know it will. I'll be so proud of myself when I make 90 days! Actually... Oh damn!!! I just did the math (and this is a complete coincidence! I did not plan this!) if I make it to my birthday on June the 8th, I'll have exactly 100 days!!! That challenge is too good to resist!!! I'm gonna go for it!
     
    axebattler and NewStart19 like this.
  19. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    One week tonight! I haven't gone that long since June of last year! It's noting too crazy, I know, but I'm happy to be back on the right path, taking some control.
     
  20. The P.I.E.D Piper

    The P.I.E.D Piper New Member

    Alright! Well, one week down and feeling pretty good about things! I have to admit, sobriety is helping more than I could have imagined it would a year ago! I don't feel like I have to work as hard to keep my thoughts on track. I still have little fantasies that spring up a couple times per hour but I'm finding it easier to just sort of shake them off and focus my attention back on what's in front of me. Living a life with fewer dopamine spikes is pretty boring in some ways but it also seems like the valleys aren't as deep as they used to be and that's a really nice thing. For the first time in almost a year, I'm not feeling cripplingly depressed.

    Anyone who's reading this and trying to quit PMO while still drinking, I would strongly suggest that you learn from my mistakes and try to get dry for at least a few weeks before starting a reboot. I don't think I really realized last time around just how much booze was weakening my ability to resist temptation! Don't use it as a procrastination tactic obviously (when it's time to quit, it's time to quit!) but be aware that if you're getting hammered every night, this battle (which is already hard as fuck!) becomes exponentially more difficult!

    Hope you guys are meeting your goals and feeling strong as we head into spring!!
     

Share This Page