Learning about myself

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Outsider., Feb 3, 2016.

  1. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    I've seen Narcisse today during a short break. While I was looking at her, her very white feet and calves (I'm a classical French, so white-skinned as well, but when it comes to women I don't like white skins lol), I realized that she has, really, nothing special. I won't detail that here, but once again, except her ass, she's a very, very, common girl finally. Moreover, I realize that I'm not attracted especially to HER, but I "just" want novelty. With her, I think, or with any other girl. As it's her whom I've seen the most this year, her and all her silly "catch me" game, letting me know there's an opening, etc etc... I wanted to f*** her and fantasized about having sex here at work late in the evening... But my problem is more subtle than it looks. I remember that around 2 or 3 years ago I was hitting on our sexy hostess for months (without any result thankfully - it just created problems between us). So my situation with Narcisse won't be solved even if she leaves the company, there will always be a "Narcisse" somewhere. I have to work, again, on myself, and not on the consequences or the external things that happen to me. I feel like a bug attracted by car headlights on a highway in a dark night: I want like hell to go to this light, but I don't realize I'll die if I do.
    Having recently pitiful sex with wife don't help at all (I had sex with her twice in the last 50 days...) makes it more difficult for sure, but I will manage that, and won't give in to MO/PMO. I'll reduce again slightly my short breaks etc with Narcisse at work, and will read some stuff regarding anger and nervousness and how to manage emotions (more on that topic later).
    The board is very quiet nowadays, August...
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
  2. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Once you put PMO essentially behind you you will find women you are attracted to and are attracted to you readily available.
    Its amazing its as though you are giving off some sexual hormone. Good job !--- keep up the good work!-- you have really come along Outsider !:)
     
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  3. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thank you @Bobo :)

    I had a big clash 2 days ago with my wife. I got very angry while doing a quick DIY at home for her. I was so pissed off that she finally finished the DIY herself in spite of her torticolis. She told me: do you even know what I bear from you because of your bad behaviors, your complaints, your bad moods all day long, you being angry !!! It's not easy to live with you and bear you, you're always nervous and angry" etc. I stupidly answered: "And you think it's normal as well to prevent me from having sex??!?". She answered: don't mix everything it's another subject. And anyway your behaviors doesn't make me want to have sex with you!!!" I was so pissed off, I told her that this argue/fight is only the very beginning (she was crying) then I left the house and came back 3 hours after.
    Emotions... What a huge mistake I made. Anyway, I came back and gave her a kiss and apologized.
    I complain that she's not available for sex but it's because of ME from the beginning. I was hooked in P when I met her. I didn't make love a lot, like to or three times a week for example in the beginning of our relationship (she even told me, years after when I complained, again, about that to her) that she was astonished that I wasn't a "hot guy" even when we met. I spent most of my life fapping to P, even after getting married, and now I started to heal/reboot since 2016 I want her to be a sexual lioness overnight!!??! I've been complaining a lot lately about the poor frequency I have sex but this is because I caused this. During around 15 years I wasn't effectively that "hot guy", so this is how she senses my sexuality, and hers as well then. I was "happy" to find my "pleasure" in P scenes, so having poor sex with her was not a problem before. How vicious is P and addiction: the less real sex one has, the more P one uses. The more P one uses, the less real sex one wants. And after, I complain and put the blame on her. I haven't been a real man since I know her. It's difficult to admit but this is the truth. I sought refuge in P instead of building myself as a husband, then as a father. And now I complain about her? It's not by reproaching her orally that I have needs and telling her she's so frigid that things will get better. Since 2016 I have more and more sexual appetite, because my soul is deprived from what fed it for so long. I think this is the reason why I'm so angry since that time. I feel so frustrated and pissed off when she refuses to have sex, and the frustration and anger increase with time, and will end up destroying me if I continue. I'm boiling inside. I can't continue like this. I guess this is the price to pay for my years of P use. The problem is that I'm not the only one to pay this price, wife and kids are involved too, that's why I must change and manage those emotions.
    I naively and stupidly thought that as I'm more and more fit (even a lot of girls at work really appreciate my body), my wife would be more attracted to me. I could weigh 300 kg and being completely bald, if I was a real man without PMO, with more self-confidence, calmer, she'd probably be more attracted, no doubt about that. So once again, I had forgotten that, but I must and will work on myself instead of waiting for her to change. I'll continue to stay far from both PMO & MO and work on my emotions management. For the last weeks I was wrong fighting. I'm in this situation because of me, nobody else.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019 at 1:53 AM
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  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I hear ya outsider
     
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  5. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I can relate to nearly everything you wrote. Not projecting that anger onto your wife is a big step towards healing.
     
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  6. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Yesterday noon I worked out outside as usually, with my male colleague, but without Narcisse. My colleague didn't have time so we didnt do the same workouts. When I started to do push-ups in a bench, a young and sexy girl who was working out 10 meters far came just next to me to do abds. Then, 15' after she asked me if I can take a photo of her doing the splits :p:Do_O. While there were more than 15 males in the workout spot she asked me ;). She asked me my name and told me her. She's an Italian girl on vacation in Paris for two weeks. I didn't continue to talk more, and finished my workout peacefully :)

    In the afternoon Narcisse wanted to have a coffee with me so I saw her (I didn't even wanted to but I accepted). She told me : I'm hurt because I went this noon to the beauty salon and I've got my entire body waxed, completely! I was completely nude with the beautician when a problem occurred with the laser, so 2 then 3 then 4 other female beautician came inside while I was completely nude OMG! I was so embarrassed as I'm so modest, you can't find a more modest girl on Earth!
    What a scam she is. She might want me to imagine her nude and fantasize? No way bitch :D Then she chatted with me and asked me to prepare her a special and tough workout for today, which I did, but I told her she'll do it alone, as I have my own program. She insisted like hell so that I do it with her etc. I refused. In the end she told me: tonight don't do things with your wife as you'll need energy for tomorrow's workout with me. I answered that as we're doing painting at home since two days all the kids, wife and I sleep in the living room, and tonight as well, so there's no risk for me to have sex lol. She answered: VDM (Vie De Merde In French, which means Life's a bitch/ fucking life). I replied, what?? I won't die if I don't have sex for 3 days what's the problem? Her: me I would die! What a fantasist liar she is. She always tells me that her husband works all the week in South of France, that she's alone etc. Moreover, as she's a Jewish, during her blood period, even when it's finished they have a 12 days during which they can't even touch their hands with her husband. They sleep in separate beds etc .... She's trouble as you wrote me here my brothers and thankfully I'm more and more aware of that. She pretends she's a Queen Sex, making love all night long every day? She's only a little tease who has problem with her self esteem. Thanks to your advices here and your wise words and analysis I finally realized that. She can go and search another male colleague toy to play with!!!
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019 at 3:09 AM
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Narcisse must be so confused :D. Well done!
     
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  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    This is actually one of the first things I've seen you posting here in a long while that might actually helpful to yourself. What I've seen for the lost couple of months is a whole lot of frustration, some solid streaks, but not much else. You seemed to be rather stuck in pointing your finger at your wife and your colleague, but you could get a whole lot more out of life than that:)
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @Living is bang on. Your discovery that it's all about how you approach the world is huge. This recognition helps us move forward. Don't beat yourself up for not having the skills before, but do keep on working on your self-realization. :)

    Regarding narcissists. Once you realize that they crave constant attention, even negative attention, you see how transparent their motives are. They are incapable of true feelings.

    One of the difficult things for us when we give up PMO is over-sexualizing everything. Suddenly we have all this pent up energy and we want to stick our cock in anything and everything. This energy is not just sexual, it is also our inner-creativity trying to come forward. We need sex, but we also need to release other desires from their cages, as well.
     
  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    She sounds like the bubonic plague
     
  11. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    To be honest, I've been slapped in the face when I read your post Living! But this is the sad truth: I'm frustrated and angry. Nothing more. My abstinence streaks are pretty good, Ok, but is the most important? Staying away from P and MO is of course a prerequisite, for me, to get better, but it's only the very beginning. I do have a very bad temper. One of my huge problems as well, is my ego. I finally realized that it was bigger than Eiffel Tower. I thought and lied to myself that I'm a "good guy", "easy to live with", but it's not true at all. I even convinced myself of that. The truth is that I'm very, very nervous and get angry instantly at home (not at work). I can't stand any blame. I take personally and badly all what comes from my wife. So instead of seeing her as my wife, my SO, the one I love and who wants only good things for me, I always argue with her when she "advises" and ask me to do something in another way. The worst is that she's finally right most of the time but I don't accept and admit it. She finally just wants me to be a good husband and father. I see her as Evil itself, and I'm completely wrong of course. As long as I'll be nervous, irritable, stressed and angry at home I can't expect a better life. And for myself first I need to change. Sometimes I literally get crazy alone when I don't have what I want, or when I receive a WhatsApp from her. Even when she calls me on phone, I directly tell myself: "what does she want now, again!?!!??". I created such a bad and silly paradigm with her that I can't bear her anymore. And she feels it of course. Her words "and you hope that with such a bad behavior I'll want to have sex with you?!!? " from last week is still reasoning in my mind. I'm like a sissy complaining about my poor sex life, but what I do to improve it, except complaining?? I think that by repeating her that I'm frustrated, that I have needs bla bla blahh, and meanwhile yelling at her and the kids for nothing all day long will make her want to get closer to me? How wrong I was. My reboot and abstaining from PMO might have consequences on my mood, but it's really too much. I'm going straight into the wall if I continue like this. Thankfully, during my journey, I've learnt not to beat me up when I do something wrong, PMO included, which is for me a very good improvement. So, Ok, I have this problem with anger, bitterness, and frustration, but now I'm aware of it, as I discovered that, I do know where to go and what to do. Thank you very much @Living . My posts were not longer about me, but about my wife and Narcisse. As for the latter, I did allow her to attract me and to do all that BS. I was blind and fantasized about having sex with her at work (P scene allusions again). If she was really willing to it'd have occurred already. Thankfully I now see clearly in her game, and will by all means necessary stay away from her. I'm the one who triggered this situation, I'll get out of it by myself. Regarding my wife, quickly, I was yesterday very calm and relaxed at home, talking peacefully with her and the kids, even when they were yelling or arguing together. Instantly my wife was quieter as well. I felt she was sweet and kind with me. At night I hugged her and told her I loved her, and I was really looking forward to making love to her. She smiled at me and told me, be patient a little more, it'll be even better! (The painter hasn't finished to work at home so we can't sleep in our bedroom yet). It's incredible how thing can quickly get better by changing simple behavior and being kind.

    Thank you unc' Saville. Yes, by changing my paradigm to a good and positive one, for sure things will improve.
     
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  12. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Indeed!
     
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I really like your last post. What living said was harsh, but that's how the truth sounds to us when we're yelling into the wind.

    I too saw my wife as the enemy; it justified me cheating on her. Even after getting caught I really couldn't stand her. I behaved like a child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. What I learned here is: this is MY journey. I left my wife out of whatever was going to change. Sometimes she would say awful things to me, or bring up the cheating, but I learned not to take the bait. I would say to myself "she acts like a naught two year old. Why would I argue with a two year old?" I began to agree with her, even if I didn't agree. The reason was not to be nice, the reason was to retain my energy to work on myself. If she said "you're driving too fast" I would say "you're right" and I would slow down. If she mentioned that it was too bad that I didn't make the deck bigger I would swallow hard and say "you know what, that would've been a good idea." This way the wife felt heard and I didn't give away my masculine energy. As @A New Man says "it's about ditching the ego." And, the most amazing thing is that as we change the world really does change around us. It's as you mentioned, Outsider, about the paradigm shifting.

    Also, when you do get angry, and you probably will, quickly forgive yourself and let go of the ego. It takes time to acquire the skills to live a better life. You really are doing very well!!
     
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  14. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Indeed!
    After reading your post, 30' after I tried to apply this I had already no saliva left while I was cleaning the house with her :p:D:p
    How tough it was! But this is what one experiences when the vision changes: once you notice a bad behavior or anything else, being aware of it emphasizes it it's amazing. The first 5' I succeeded to "agree" with her but this didn't last loool.
    Exactly, Thank you very much for your wise advises. The next hours, days, weeks and months will be tough but it's really worth it.
    Arguing doesn't lead anywhere. You're 100% right about saving your energy for yourself. I'll do my best, day by day, to apply that and things will eventually change.
    My journey's title finally makes sense: I'm really learning about myself :)
     
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