Learning about myself

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Outsider., Feb 3, 2016.

  1. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thank you @Saville, I try to keep going on ;)
    Tonight I'm alone again at home, kids and wife still sleeping at my mother in law's house. When I came back from work I wasn't afraid of being alone regarding PMO today. It's crazy how things change. Before, I was so happy and in a rush to be alone to PMO... Then, when my reboot started 2.5 years ago, I was scared to be alone, scared to face my addiction and not being able to stay clean while alone at home. Nowadays I'm happy to have some quiet time, time for me to relax, to workout, and to spend time with my best companions: books :).
    It's not overconfidence, but I simply know that I won't PMO tonight, it's no longer at the program. I have better and healthier things to do :cool:.
     
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  2. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Day 150 without MO, without PMO. Already 5 months...
    It's only the very beginning of my journey, but it's crazy how P watching seems to be far from me now. I just, simply, live without P. I don't think about it, that's all. I can't really explain why, I just live normally.
    I still watch a lot women during commute in the metro, in the streets, etc, but I no longer fantasize about them as I no longer MO either.

    Sex only once in a while with my wife.... There always a reason for her not to have sex. . Tiredness, no desire etc... Moreover, her uncle has just passed away 2 days ago, after almost 4 tough months in resuscitation unit, she was in charge of the communication with the doctors etc ... She was very, very involved so she even didn't think about sex at all....
    Some months ago, we had the habit to have sex once a week in the weekend, but with her 10 days blood period, and if there was something which prevented her from being available, I finally had sex once or twice a month. Miserable. With my reboot I have new and sane needs, and they're not met at all. It's a miracle that I don't MO like crazy once she refuses to have sex or after I see amazingly gorgeous girls in the streets. Almost every time she has a lot of pleasure, feels good during sex etc, but except this very moment, she's simply not interested in sex, not at all. She can perfectly live without.... Crazy. I already spoke to her about my needs but she doesn't seem to understand, and for her, the frequency we have sex is ok, "it's totally normal and more than enough, so there's no reason to complain, and I have to understand that she's tired and that she just doesn't want to have sex every time I approach her".
    All this pushes me to want to cheat on her, especially with the very cute girl at work. I know it won't get the things better, but I'm not a machine, and moreover we're very attracted each others, even if we're both married (she's 28 and got married last year....)
    Except that, I work on myself, try to set good habits, little one, and slowly, with rewards etc. I also started to study mind mapping, looks amazing. I'm happy to be interested in new things, even at the age of 40 years :cool:
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018
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  3. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Relapsed yesterday and today after 5 months clean... I've been alone at home because my wife went abroad to bury her uncle. I take 3 days vacation to take care of the kids. Then I don't know how it came, and I started MO.... Then watch P, then the vicious circle, PMO. Classic. Then I binged around 4 times yesterday, and 3 times today..... I'm not harsh on myself, I'm ok, and stop this binge NOW. Let's get back on the horse immediately. I slipped but this didn't canceled all the good work accomplished those last 2.5 years. We're not perfect. We fall, we learn, we get up again and again.
     
  4. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thank you for your kind and wise words @Raskolnikov, highly appreciated mate.
    Yes I'll do my best to continue. Today I'll be alone again at home, I'll stay clean for sure. I don't consider I'm in day 1. My fabulous journey started in January 2016, so I'm around day 993, with some slips ;)
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2018
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  5. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    I spent the day alone at home, as expected, and didn't messed my day up with P, very good news. Keep going, keep going on.
     
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  6. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thanks mate.
    Yup, I'm still clean after this slip. I happened, this is life. The most important is how I react to it. I'm not ashamed, not sad, not disappointed, nothing negative. I PMO'ed after my longest no PMO/MO (the best I've ever done for no MO was 56 days, once...). So I'm very happy, this is huge improvement for me. Strength to all of you.
     
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  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Salut Outsider! Congrats on the 5 months. That is an amazing accomplishment. You show that over such a long period of time with all its ups and downs you remain emotionally stable. That is not just due to good circumstances. It is something you did yourself and you can keep doing it. Sorry to hear about the slip. I hope you have recovered from it well. I am sure you did.

    I am going to ask a couple of nasty questions. I only ask them because I am struggling with the same thing and sincerely looking for a way to overcome this confusion. When you look back at these 5 months would your life have been better if you would have gotten things going with your colleague? How much time did you on average spend per week thinking about your colleague? Could those thoughts be regarded as fantasies? Could those thoughts/fantasies even be more important than the possible future act itself, i.e. as coping mechanism? And lastly, could those thoughts/fantasies have led to your recent relapse?

    Feel free not to answer :D. I will give it a go myself in my own journal....
     
  8. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thank you mate. Yes I did, I didn't binge or go back to MO or PMO after that. I'm in the same state of mind than before the slip, I don't think about, I don't care about P, simply ;)
    Your questions are more than welcome buddy, if it can help you, it's with pleasure. Moreover, they are excellent questions I need to ask myself first too ;)
    Sincerely, I don't know. My sexual life would have probably been better, but it's 'ot difficult comparing to the frequency I have sex with my wife... But I don't know how sex would have been with my colleague....
    It's crazy that you ask me this question tight now, because thingd changed with her, especially yesterday... She directly and explicitly asked me and insisted to get a hug. So I did, twice and it was very, very pleasant for both of us. Before this day, I didn't think that much about her while not at work (at work we chat and see us a lot). So it was ok, nothing special. But since those hugs, I'm thinking about her like crazy. I imagining me having good sex with her.
    I've just began to imagine myself having sex with her, since yesterday, as we're getting closer and closer, even physically. So I wouldn't say "fantasize" as for me it's a possible situation, and not pixels on a PC. For me, fantasizing is linked to M and P, not real situations.
    No, not at all.
    I'll add some other information as soon as I have more time, my wife was just in front of me doing the housework while I was answering lol.
    Hope it helped ... I'll have a closer look to your journal as well, to get more information about your similar situation at work.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
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  9. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Still clean.
    But... Thinking more and more about cheating on the woman I call my "wife". She again refuses to have sex this weekend. We implicitly planned to have sex every weekend.... But ... She has a long blood period (10 days) and as she's tired her blood period often comes earlier. So even with a "every Saturday night sex" I barely have sex twice a month. Bitch. On Friday night, she tells me to wait until Saturday, it will be good etc, and other bullshit excuses. Then on Saturday she's suddenly tired of busy watching her silly television shows on her iPad while in bed. I approach her and most of the time she continues watching her fucking iPad even when I cuddle and kiss her for a long time. I swear that I only stay with this women not be be separated from my dear kids. I told her several times that I want and need to have sex but she just doesn't care. She has a good orgasm every time we have sex and tells me it's so good etc but nevertheless she only accept to have sex once in a while.
    I'm usually not vulgar but this is too much. There is always an excuse.
    I know I write this because it's 4 AM and I'm terribly biter, I'm awaneken after she refused sex again last night,,, She refused on Friday, then Saturday, then yesterday and I know I won't have sex this week either. Then I'm sure next weekend she's have her blood period, again and again.
    If I have an opportunity to have sex with my cute colleague I won't hesitate 1 second.
     
  10. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    The reboot brings up all kinds of uncomfortable emotions because we remove the security blanket that has been stopping us feeling our emotions for so long. Be cautious around this situation because it is magnified/distorted by the reboot.

    When i stopped using pmo to O i looked to my wife for more sex initially, and like you i felt frustration when I didn't get it- but i didn't really desire her, I just wanted to get off. At that point our sex life was on life support, so to expect her to suddenly start "putting out" was not realistic. In time (I'm talking months and months) our intimacy improved- we even had the best sex in our whole relationship, but it took some distance from pmo for that to happen.

    To be honest with you i still only get sex once every 2 weeks (if I'm lucky) but i'm ok with that. Stay clean and be patient- she'll come around.
     
  11. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thank you @A New Man, it's good to get some outputs from guys with similar situations, and wise advices, it helps a lot.
    I noticed that I started to suffer from PE a couple of weeks ago, till now... I think it's linked to the kegel exercices I started regularly 2 months ago. It's disappointing because while I do have a strong desire to have sex, I'm not attracted to my wife's body anymore, and when we have sex I cum very quickly, more and more quickly. Last time after only 3 or 5 mn... While I was able to last for 1h30 with another very gorgeous girl before ... I think I don't do the kegel the right way, so I'm wondering if I must do reverse kegel or if I just stop any pelvic muscle workout... I think I contract too much the surface around the anus, not the real PC muscle...
     
  12. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Relapsed yesterday, twice, and today as well, 4 times... Dunno what's happening. Bitterness, angriness regarding my sexual life and relationship with my wife?
    I started intermittent fasting 17 days ago, with no sugared dessert etc during the week. I eat what I want on Sunday and don't fast. I'm not starving, but is that relapse linked to those restrictions? I'm doing well and don't feel nervous, or starving once again, so I don't know exactly where it comes from, let's see the next days.
    But, as always now, no shame, no anger or self pity agin myself after this slips, which is a very, very good improvement.
    I keep going on. I have a lot to write here, but not enough time those last weeks.
    See you soon brothers, take care.
     
  13. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Good that you aren't feeling shame or self pity at the relapse. It wouldn't achieve anything anyway. Pick yourself up and carry on where you left off. Try to stay calm about the fact your wife doesn't want to be intimate. I really don't think that cheating on her would do you any favours.
     
  14. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    It's been 6 month since I last wrote here. There were ups and downs. Now my main problem is with my cute colleague at work. We're more and more intimate. She asked me first to hug her a long time ago, and since that, we hug tenderly and kiss (on the cheeks and neck only) almost everyday as soon as nobody's around at work... It's a very weird situation. I do want to have sex with her, and thinks (hope?!) she wants to as well, even if I know it's really not a good idea... But I'm so attracted to her and I'd love so much to bang her so beautiful booty... She's 30 and have been married for one year now. I don't know what she really look for: she loves to tease me, showing me her deep neckline during our workouts... She makes a lot a sexual allusion etc... But it stops here... When we hug and that I start to touch the top of her ass she politely ask me not to... I'm becoming like crazy, my mind is so busy thinking about her it's too much. When I try to put some distance between us, she's not happy and then she does everything so that we get even closer and intimate. In my opinion, from what I understood after we spoke about her husband, she might need to feel attractive to men, as her husband pushes her down, telling her that she's got a too big ass (he likes very thin girls, whereas she has a "perfect" round booty to me). He's a vey possessive guy and she follows him without saying anything. So maybe she needs to get some self confidence attracting men, I don't really know, that what I tell me because I don't see any explanation to her behaviour toward me. I'm thinking about her most of the time it's crazy, while things are getting a little bit better with my wife (but still not enough sex regarding my needs).
    Regarding PMO, I was Ok for sometime, but since around one month I regularly PMO. I fantasise and MO as well think about having sex with my colleague. I've dreamt several times of us making love, kissing, or other non sexual situations as well. I don't know what to do. I've even written down all the cons of having sex with her (and there are a lot), and I tell to myself: bang her and then you'll be bored and will lose interest to her. But I know it's just a trap. It's like I'm completely snatched and caught by her and her ass, and I don't know what to do, it's too much.
    Moreover she's a very, very smiling and enthusiastic girl, full of life and sparkling. We laugh a lot together. I do feel the contrast when I come back home and see my depressed wife being crazy with her housework, shouting on the kids etc... It's tough.
    I'm hungry, starving for sex. I explain to my wife that I have more needs than before, but she's "just" not interested in having sex. What makes me crazy is that she, 9 over ten times, get good orgasms (2 per "session", most of the time...), but she doesn't want to. In almost 20 years of marriage, she NEVER asked me to have sex. I cannot count how many times she refused to have sex when I approached her.
    Patience should be my best friend, I have to find a solutions to those problems to find inner peace.
    I will.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2019
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, Outsider. Glad to hear your update. It's also good you came here to vent and open up about your situation. This is a good safe place to do that.

    I'll give you my take on this woman: she's trouble! Any other thoughts on this matter are purely governed by your penis - this is the wrong head to be thinking with. Any woman who is married and flirting this overtly with you is a narcissist. In other words: she doesn't give a shit about you. Her only mandate is to receive her attention. Never mind what she says her husband says about her ass and liking skinny girls. He may actually have said this to her, or he may not have, but in any event it is she who has him by the balls. Narcissist know exactly which buttons to push. For instance, when you put distance between the two of you she takes pains to get you back close again. This is called hoovering. She literally is sucking you back into her clutches.

    As you may, or may not, recall, I cheated on my wife twice and it was a fucking disaster. Yes, of course it hurt my marriage, but the real damage was to my psyche. Sex/Porn addicts make very poor decisions for themselves and their self-esteem. I am just now, after almost three years clean, getting any kind of mojo back. If you want to go down a very deep, shit-filled, hole then keep on going with this woman.

    Addicts never want to fix things. We don't want to fix our marriages and we sure as shit don't want to fix ourselves. The fact that you are using P shows just how clouded your thinking is. Stop the PMO and the fapping. Work on yourself. The low-hanging fruit is simply not worth it, as it is infected with the piss and shit from the ground.

    You see, I never said do this for your wife. No, you must separate yourself from your work colleague for yourself. This is one of those moments that will define the rest of your life. Don't be a pussy, a nice guy, or some attention whore's little bitch.

    If you want more sex with your wife then you're going to have to earn it. There's no free lunch in this life, except a shit sandwich.

    I know I sound harsh, but it's because I've been there and done that. I want every man to feel like a king in his own skin.
     
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  16. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Hey Outsider, Saville told you. Get rid of her, you're nobody's servant. Maybe she gives lousy head and pussy! Wouldn't that be something! You need to work on you, you don't need some woman with more or at least equal problems as you. Her husband you don't know maybe shes bullshitting you, women are trained by their mothers to deal in guile because they don't have strength. If you think shes to sweet and kind to do that you realize that you are then defending her with no sure proof !You came back so you know we are here for you. Your'e wife, well that's another thing you have to work on. It's not easy I know-- I had sexless marriage with 3 kids. Same deal when sex in start of marriage she would have these multiple intense orgasms over and over! Thing is that ended like for you. Work on you man, if not you who ? Rock on bro!
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2019
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  17. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    @Saville and @Bobo thank you very, very much for your messages. I'm moved and so glad I came back here yesterday. Instant answer and tremendous help I've received from you guys.
    You're both totally right, I do need and will get rid of her.
    @Saville: you opened my eyes, while I was in my hole, writing me that she's a narcissist. She only wants men to pay attention to her (whatever men moreover, not just me!). She's very sexy, and love to attract men, and even tells me that men come and talk to her in the street, in the metro etc... You're right she's trouble. If she really wanted to have sex with me, it'd have been done since a looong time, we can easily find a place for that late at work. I'm, I was, just her toy and a distraction. She does need to feel loved and desired. I remember now that I refused to go to the restaurant with her at noon. She answered me angrily : "you don't understand, nobody tells me no! I can't be refused anything" (sorry for the poor translation).
    Today I was quite distant from her, telling her this morning, for example, that I won't workout with her at noon (as we usually do). She directly got angry, saying me (via our professional chat) that I totally abandoned her, that I don't give a dawn about her, that I don't want to take care of her, that I'm not nice etc... Then no news from her during the day... Then, seeing that I don't come and see her, she called me this end of afternoon with a sensual voice. We spoke a little bit, then she left the office early as she does every friday (for Shabbat, she's jewish, and started to "practice", just obeying and following her husband, since she got married one year ago). It was the first time we didn't meet physically at all in a workday. I'll get away from her, but I'll try to do it wisely, as I like my job, and I don't want to feel bad when I go there. I will do my best to "separate" from her peacefully (we do have to communicate together at work anyway), and I'm sure she'll find another servant, as there was one before me before I started to workout with her. I'll try not to think with my penis, which will require efforts, for sure, but it's totally worth it and necessary, I'll listen and apply your wise advices.
    For the first time in months I was released at work today, not thinking about her all day long, and waiting for her to tell me "come on I want a hug and kisses". I didn't resort of subterfuge to find myself alone with her, as I'm used to, so it's a first little victory. It was rather like a kind of "game" to see how she reacted, now that I have a different paradigm regarding her attitude toward me, thanks to you guys.
    I was hooked by her and her false and undertone "promises". She sucked my mental energy when I thought about her. She sucked my physical energy when I came back to PMO, and MOed fantasising about her. I'm back on the horse. You're totally right, the main project I need to work on is ME. Abstaining from both P and MO, regain my (vital) energy.
    Thank you soooooo much for your precious support and wiseness, happy to have you guys.
     
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Glad to have you back. You have much to offer the community! Great job today, btw!
     
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  19. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    YEAH MAN!YOU DA DUDE!:D
     
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  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Good to see you back Outsider and good to see you're kicking ass right away. Looking forward to your updates.
     
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