Last chance...

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by CleanBootsBaby!, Aug 28, 2021.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    ...to register and write in the 30-39 year olds' section! :p (Well, technically I still have time until January 2022...but I *don't* have time, at the same time...catch my drift? :confused:)

    ...thought I was going to type something more dramatic, didn't you? ;) We're all (OK - most!) over-dramatic when choosing our username :cool:...then brimming with motivation as we compose our first post :cool:...we learn to go through the motions (maybe even looking cool doing it: "Oh, fellas, this is soooo easy! The sky's the limit, babyyyyy! Feeling like a newborn!":cool:...then, for most...it fizzles out quicker...or later :eek::oops::rolleyes:.

    I am trying to be less emotional about the process. I know very well what it takes to beat this addiction. I did it, once, for a few years. I helped many in the process, too - seen some fall, fewer triumph.

    I know all it takes is discipline, choosing everyday the right thing. There are no shortcuts, only more ways to skin a cat.

    Every day of minding my business instead of indulging in my disease doesn't take me one day closer to an inevitable relapse; it actually chips away at the control this bad habit has over me. A victim mindset has nothing to do with going against something I am 100% responsible for and 100% in control of.

    "Flee the evil desires of youth" says 2 Timothy 2:22. That's it, nothing more - flee. No second-guesses, second thoughts or looks, entertaining nostalgia (...and bear with me as I'm still labeling myself "a young man" :D). I forgot how hating the place this thing puts me in more than loving the temporary thrill feels. That's why I'm back on a forum like this one.

    Back to the "emotional" thing. It is deeply emotional to realize I learned the truth about P addiction at 29; creating, then, an account on a like-minded forum for the first time and finally triumphing over this...only to, 10 years later, realize I am in a similar place. You know, they say older and wiser...that's how things should work, right?

    Need to recover my motivation. Regardless of the last four years being sometimes literally hell. Regardless of the things I've gone through and still experiencing. Suffering I should not add myself on top of other suffering.

    Honestly, when I started typing this, I almost felt like I'd rather be using P rather than being here. Decided to do this instead - before P usage becomes an everyday thing again. And now I feel good again.

    I know how powerful accountability can be. Right now I am helping someone else to break free from another addiction...and earlier, as I was contemplating his success, I felt like a hypocrite.

    Preparing to end the rant. From pornaddictioninfo.com's forum, to NoFap's...I welcome myself here. I will have a wife again one day and I want to be the best husband possible. Until then, everything else I can be.

    I don't know if I will be as active here as I was in others cyberplaces. Depends how much time I will find and on how much of me I will be able to invest in others. I humbly admit I don't know if I have it in me anymore. It takes a toll on one to become a mentor.

    It simply helps, while I am "cleaning my boots", to be accountable. To have a counter, to know that someone is reading my ramblings and maybe finds motivation in them. Even if I no longer spend hours upon hours in PMs, emails with others...welcoming everyone in this place or sharing in person from my "bag of tricks", for the simple fact that I love people.

    One last thing. This is going to be "hard mode". Anything else leads to a reset. No P, no M, and no substitutes (y'all know deep insider what those are). I know much better than that. So..."monk mode". I know how hard it is (as someone that has been single for 4 years and abstained from any female "attention" I could've had plenty of outside of marriage) and I don't overcommit by choosing this way: anything less would be undercommitment.

    Now to set up that counter...
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2021
    Rudolf Geyse, mikehunt and -Luke- like this.
  2. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    As a reminder and motivation: still remember that fateful day when I had the worst withdrawal symptoms. Had something in my throat; every muscle in my body ached. Felt like a bad case of flu. A frustration that, if left out, would've made me climb walls. Shivering uncontrollably. Heartpounding like crazy.

    But right then and there I decided that, even if I die, I won't watch P - something that every cell in my body was screaming for.

    I didn't...and, surprise :)...I survived.

    That was the day I realized CleanBootsBaby! > P.

    Not that I didn't know. But proof is nice, isn't it? The eagle had just landed.



    Will you take a step
    Take a step for me?
    Will you take a step for me?
     
  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    One day. Took a step for myself.

    Uneventful as far as temptations go. Had a blast with old friends.

    Looking forward to tomorrow.
     
  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    4 years after my divorce, and my life is in a stall. I've accomplished some things, but there are many others I could and should.

    I need to have more stability, escaping this bane for ever is what I need to do. I will soon start topical Finasteride for my hairloss, and the last thing I need is to add another variable in my body while it's messed-up otherwise by anything else. I should hit up the gym, too. I am lean, but rather too skinny. I'll take this over the times I was fat.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2021
  5. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

  6. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    3 days of being normal. I'd say "awesome", but "normal" instead will do :D.

    We don't get a prize for acting like God (or nature, if you're inclined to argue) intended us to. But, at the same time...we actually DO win a prize. It's in the making with each clean day.

    Feeling good to journal. Much love to all fighting the good fight. Don't forget: porn ALWAYS destroys.

     
  7. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Another thing that helps me is to take a break from time to time and reflect on the seriousness of this disease. I tell myself: "This is as serious as a heart attack. Like the snarling rottweilers of your youth."

    Speaking of dogs - one of my favorite pieces, and how I view the addiction:

     
  8. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    4 days.

    In the words of Pepe le Frog,
    [​IMG] .
     
    BoughtWithBlood and -Luke- like this.
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Even though I'm well past...the past :), can't ignore the fact that today I should've celebrated 15 years of marriage, have a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant and (gasp!)...sex (me and my ex-wife had the most amazing sexual compatibility from the get-go; go figure).

    ("Dinner and sex", to provide only a rough "sketch" - the essence, of course, being loving and being loved.

    Yes, true love exists - I've seen it in past generations, sacrificially - and I'll either get that or nothing. Simple. That's why I still haven't found "the one". She may not even exist.)

    Instead, I am reminded it's been 4 years since it all ended. All I have from my past is a piece of paper, the divorce sentence.

    "Don't worry, change is right around the corner" - well-meaning people, solicited advice or not - yeah; it's always "right around the corner".

    Oh well. I signed no contract specifying my existence would be in any way, shape or form easy and (sometimes) frustrating. It's my choice not to have sex but in marriage, the choice of a Christian walking the walk instead of a hypocrite. I'm willing to pay the price, as I've repeatedly done in the past. I want to pay the full one, hence why I'm here. Compromising would taint it...on top of dragging all the other baggage that come with P in my life.

    There's nothing heroic, just normal to live according to your principles. Some may think I'm dumb - it's fine; I know others that have lost more than me, even lives; still, not as many times, in all areas of life, because of principles, as I did. Others don't have to sleep with my conscience; I do.

    *

    Praying and hoping "the bug" won't take yet another relative. This day doubled-down on making me feel uneasy because of some bad news of hospitalization. Only God knows what will happen.

    Tonight will mark 5 days, and nothing can change that (unless I die).
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  10. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    You know what? "This is the time".



    We placed our years in the hourglass, they were never unearned
    And we seemed destined to watch them pass - it was never our turn

    [chorus]
    But this is the time and this is the place
    And these are the signs that we must embrace
    The moment is now, in all history
    The time has arrived and this is the one place to be


    And I'm gonna log 5 days in advance.

    I'm easing-up more and following others. Offering modest encouragement. Regardless of how my first post sounded (less open to the idea). I just can't help it, it seems - I'm a social creature :).

    That's it. See y'all tomorrow.
     
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Thank you, I appreciate it!
     
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Just got some very infuriating news.

    The natural reaction? "Find some solace in P."

    No.

    No matter how bad things are, I can make them worse by PMOing.
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2021
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    5 days, as predicted.

    Life is almost unbearable right now, due to other circumstances. It has nothing to do with this garbage. (If anything, I feel asexual.)

    Still, no matter how bad things are, I can make them worse by PMOing. If this were my only problem...count your lucky stars, if that's your case :).
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2021
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  15. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Sorry to hear things are so tough right now CBB. You are so right about P can only make a crap situation worse. Hang in there,
    Old Tom
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm somewhat better, thak you. Looking for solutions already.

    And yep...that's the only way to do it! :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2021
  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    An interesting thing that @Old Tom Bombadil made me articulate here: https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/old-toms-journal.118192/page-6#post-721643 . In the past, I have developed strategies (more or less original) that worked for me and for others as well (so I was told). So...it may help me down the road to remember...or some esteemed reader on his own path to rediscovering his innocence. (Applies to "posterettes" as well :).)

    That is an excellent strategy, that I just realized why it works so well. I have applied it in the past - no need to go to that for now, I'm strong enough not to.

    Also, 6 days.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2021
  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

  19. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Closing today with one of my favorite pieces. 80's kids, the rock/metal virus will never leave some of us :D:


    Can't say how many times it motivated me. Thank God for Stryper!

    Remember, "there's a better way."
     
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    1 week,

    [​IMG]
    approves.
     
    mikehunt likes this.

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