Last Chance For Me

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by birdsky, Aug 16, 2020.

  1. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Thanks man, but I continued binging and then I semi relapsed. I did not not reach complete O, but a bit came out.

    I don‘t want to count days because it‘s not about days it‘s about the journey. Therefore I will leave my counter because I could still resist to not full O.

    My experience tells me I will relapse to PMO the next couple of days, I will try my best to change it this time.
     
  2. moose

    moose Member

    What does your daily schedule look like. Try to keep busy, clean your house do work out side. Go grocery shopping. Do a new hobby. Find something to occupy your mind.

    Build fall back for when you have urges. Feel an urge come on, start doing the dishes, go for a walk, call someone.

    The worst thing especially with covid is sitting at home with nothing to do. I found keeping busy is what helped me through the hardest moments of letting go of these urges. You can do it!
     
  3. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hey @moose



    Thanks for your support man. I hope you‘re doing well.



    I am still in the mental health institution for depression. Therefore, I cannot do much here, especially because of covid.



    The thing is, I don‘t start edging or binging, when I am horny. I am not when doing it. It‘s just a way to deal with my frustration, I think.



    Unfortunately I had a women therapist, next week I will change to a male one. I am really unsure if I should open up about my addiction or not. Even if I don‘t tell the porn part, I could talk about the edging.



    I have been falling into binging and edging again the past days. I really think about relapsing and starting from the beginning. Even I haven‘t fully PMO‘ed I feel like I have. All the good stuff I gained seems to be lost. My organ looks miserable again, because of the edging.



    I don‘t know what to do. I am in isolation again. All day in my room and don‘t talk to the other patients. It‘s hard to break the cycle.



    Even if I talk about my issue with the psychologist, I don‘t know if I can, don‘t know where to start to not loose my face.
     
  4. moose

    moose Member

    I think you should tell them about your addiction and edging. I have a therapist as well. They have really helped me building coping strategies so I can deal with my PMO.

    I know it's hard to talk about this stuff but they have heard alot of stuff they are there to help. I really think if you open up about it it will help.
     
    birdsky likes this.
  5. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hi,

    since i am getting weak again, just wanted to give a small report.

    I haven‘t O since the 10 of Oct. That about 44 days or something I don‘t know. However, I binged a yesterday and today to some stuff.

    Technically I am flatlining extremely. I don‘t know how to deal with it. I am afraid. I know it‘s normal and sign for healing, I am still afraid and frustrated. With the 3-4 binging since the beginning I set my self back again. I literally feel how my brain changes after binging. But I am not aroused. My organ doesn‘t want anything, it‘s just my brain.

    I will go home after next week. I am afraid of relapsing when back home. I don‘t know what to do. I may not fall into the same pmo habit cycle again. However, there is not much to do and corona makes it even harder.

    I hope it‘s going better for you guys.
     
    Shady likes this.
  6. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hey there,

    firstly I want to apologise for that have written here about my relapses, I hope I haven’t triggered someone.

    I got weak from 10nov until now a couple of times. However, I haven’t O. I slow my process. Tomorrow with the beginning of the new month, I won‘t use smartphone and continue not using my pc, like a dopamine detox. This will make it really difficult to watch anything filthy.

    I am glad that many of you are keeping strong!
     
  7. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    It's me again, sorry for writing here so often lately.

    It's not going well. I am back home and it seems like I went straight back into my old habits. I still haven't O but I continue binging and edging to P.

    I don't know what to do. Should I just relapse to PMO and start over? I feel I haven't done any progress so far. However, I binged and edged quite often the last weeks. I am not even horny or something. I am just frustrated and afraid. I don't know how to beat my anxiety. Despite all that I fear that I have a hard to to stop PMOing when relapsing once to it. It makes no sense, but I don't know what to do else. No idea how to keep busy and even I do, it's still boring and not the same as binging and edging. :(

    I just go out now and look for a bicycle, maybe then I have something to do.

    EDIT: I am not going to relapse. Just getting the numbers straight. I don't care about them, but it seems to bother me. So I won't fully relapse, because it will cause just more damage and make it harder.

    Last time O: 9 Oct.
    Last time binged to P and edged: 02 Dec.

    That should be enough, I will continue my streak on hardmode. Wish me luck, gents :D

    EDIT: I have just relapsed to PMO :( It's was terrible. Weak O, I felt nothing and the outcome was less than expected.

    Is that normal that after 53 days of no O that so less sperm comes out? I'm really messed up men, everything is broken. I think the edging for the last days is responsible for that. Even I think edging is decreasing testosterone levels. I feel empty.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2020
    Shady likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Don't apologize for writing @birdsky. On the contrary, thanks for sharing.

    In my opinion edging is worse than (P)MO. With the edging you ķeep your pleasure center drained in dopamin for extended periids of time. I think that's worse than just a short session woth orgasm. I have had many long edging sessions and also experienced weak orgasms with little sperm afterwards. I think it is because of ejaculating tiny amounts over longer period. You're not messed up, but I know the feeling. Long edging sessions can keep you in a depressed brainfogged mood for a long time, be aware of that. Have you identified your triggers? Do you know why and when you use porn? Do you have any fulfilling alternatives? Long-term goals to keep your focus on?

    Hang in there!
     
  9. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hi @Gil79,

    thank you for your comment.

    I do agree with you 100 per cent, edging is worse!! Even I know, I can't stop.

    I relapsed to PMO 2 or 3 times since, because I was worried and wanted to test (which is nonsense). My first day of my new streak is the 4 of Dec. Unfortunately, when I PMOed again the same happened. Low ejaculation, weak almost no noticeable orgasm. The last time, almost noting came out, it came out really slowly and 2 or 3 solid drops. I felt like 11 years old, almost no sperm. I am worried that my brain unlearned how to orgasm after almost 2 months of abstinence (first time ever). I am worried that I caused permanent damage this time. I think I am flatlining again. I probably was flatlining all the time in my relapses either.

    However, one good thing happened today. I kind of had a morning wood. It was not strong, but it was there. I think I woke up during a REM sleeping phase, my alarm kicked me off my bed.

    I don't know about my triggers. It's more anxiety, frustration and boredom. I just don't know what to do in life. This depression really changed my personality. I am a totally different person. In the past, I was energetic and motivated to achieve something, today I don't even know what to strive for. Everything seems so useless. The whole world feels so empty.

    Another trigger I remembered when reading @Shady post.
    When I think of that it might take 2 years of recovery. I get stressed and that leads to be triggered. In 2 years I would be 32 and still a virgin. People have the best time of their sex life in their 20's. However, when we don't stay calm we'll never get a wife and have successfully sex life. Better with 32 than never. That rational, but my heart wants something else.

    I don't even can imagine in my head to have intercourse with a girl anymore. It's just not possible. I feel guilty.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2020
    Shady likes this.
  10. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You're over thinking it all.
    Overthinking leads to depression and depression leads to relapse.
    Virgin at 32? So what?
    You'll find her when the time is right. Just don't overthink it.
    Good luck!
     
    birdsky likes this.
  11. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    @Shady

    Yes, I know. My thinking has changes a lot in the past years. I am overthinking everything, indeed. However, I don't know how to break this cycle and take things more easy. Since, this way of thinking is just a blockade. I have borrowed some books about this issue, eventually they will help me understand my thinking better.

    I probably will give away my computer and bring my smartphone to the basement. Otherwise, I don't see a chance for change. However, this takes a lot of courage, because I will die out of boredom without my computer.

    First Day noPMO: 4 Dez
    First Day noMO: 8 Dez

    Furthermore, I won't counting days again. My journey starts today, and I will have reached my initial goal sometime in spring, next year. And my long term goal someday, who cares how long it takes. I will give my body a chance for healing out of the addiction or more important the depression. In the morning a went for a run. I feel much less depressed. My goal is to go out for a walk every morning and run every second day or 3x a week.

    Wish you all the best in your recoveries!
     
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Fear is changes's biggest enemy.
    Let me tell you a secret, after you make the changes, you'll find out all those fears were for nothing.
     
  13. Joost

    Joost Member

    That's it. You're dead already behind your computer. It will free your mind and as you've stated yourself you already have some replacements to fill in the gap.
    So many people live double-lives through their smartphones or computers. It has to end. There has to be a great awakening away from digitality, for it will prove massively fatal.
     
  14. Iwannachange2021

    Iwannachange2021 New Member

    I really hope this dude is ok. His battle made me quit P seriously. Ive been clean for almost a week and what gave me will power to do it was reading his journal. I don't even want to look at P anymore. I know it is hard but it's always some room for improviment. Ive never thought reading about people's pain would help me facing my own pain, but it did.
    I really hope he finds himself inside of himself. Dont know if this make sense but, I wish this guy the best.
     

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