Last Chance For Me

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by birdsky, Aug 16, 2020.

  1. birdsky

    birdsky Member


    i am just doing the first step with opening this journal. This is gonna be my last chance.

    That's all for the moment, I will come back.
    runningforfreedom and Shady like this.
  2. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hi guys,

    I am back. Right now, I don't feel motivated writing here, but I have to start at some point, right?

    To me: I am not very different then most of you guys. Started to PMO in my teen years around 13 and have been trying to stop for years. I first find out about this forum or the whole nofap community in 2012. Since then, I try to quit. I probably had 2000 relapses. 2000 times I said that was the last time, since 2012. I felt into depression and my life has been going down for the past years. I don't believe in recovery anymore. I don't believe in myself anymore, when saying that this was the last time. That's why I choose the title "last chance". Maybe I keep relapsing because I am alone with this issue. I have talked to no one about this. Perhaps this time will change, when I have people who might help me keep motivated, or try to find out why I keep relapsing.

    My P consumption reduced in the last years, but it's still too much: I don't want to watch, I don't know why I watch, I don't like to watch, but I watch.

    Meanwhile I think my core issue is not about PMO. It's about edging. I can stop watching this crap but I cannot stop edging. I don't even edge primarily to P, but I do it to fantasy and then MO without being even aroused. It's just my brain that wants me to stimulate my brain. How to break? I don't know. Tried may things, but never tried to talked about it with someone, seriously. I think I destroyed my skin, since I used to edge through my trousers, which causes a lot of fraction.

    As of today, I have not PMO since 15 or 16th of Aug. But I MO a lot in that week. The longest I went were I guess 3 weeks hardmode 5-6 years ago and several one week, and 10 days and 12 days streaks. Around 13-18 days something happens I relapse.

    I am tired. This makes my life shitty. I am 30, but am not a real man. I still a boy without any experience with girls. I don't wanna make this too long, so I stop here and will come back.

    Hopefully I get find some help here, otherwise, I am lost.
    MrDalloway likes this.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    With God there are always chances, man. Don’t put yourself on a edge.
    I know you feel lost and without hope, but you’re meant to change for the better.
    I was in that lost boy position some years ago as well. I’m no longer.
    You see, God sees your outcry for help wether you believe in Him or not. Make it a audible cry for help and He’ll respond. You’re not here on this earth to be a slave to your own desires, but to believe. Not to believe in your self but in your purpose in Christ.
  4. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I like that even when you fall down, you're not giving up.
    Just one day at a time, birdsky. For the rest of today, stay clean. I'm rooting for you.
  5. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    2 things that keeps my longest streaks going was: sport and nutrition.
    Im into edging too unfortunately. Its pathetic how much time I wasted doing it. I could do it all day long. Literally all day.
    Exercising gives me a healthier substitute of that dopamine kick. So its easier do deal with temptations. You should find sth for you: running, swimming, gym. Set some goals. In spare time read about it, educate yourself. To occupy your mind.
    Clean your diet. Its clinicaly proven that what we eat have huge impact on our willpower.
    I think it may help you with breaking the bad habit.

    You set yourself to failure few posts earlier. You justified relapse before it even happened. You and I are grown man. We need to control ourselves to get better. Good things dont come easy. Relapsing is easy. Ugly truth is that nobody cares how we will waste our lives. We should be the ones that cares and take responsibility.
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2020
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey, how is it going birdsky?
  7. moose

    moose Member

    Hey man, you sound like a really nice guy. You do deserve a wife. You do deserve to be happy. I really think you should try the therapy route. I did my first session with a sex therapist on Monday. I felt so much better. I did have to tell them everything. But for the first time in my life I opened up about this with a real person and they were compassionate and supportive.

    I really suggest it.

    Keep your head up high dude.
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    The fantasy/edging habit needs to stop. By continuing to engage in this behaviour you're self-soothing in an unhealthy way. The friction is even damaging your skin!

    Try interrupting the pattern - every time you find yourself about to do it, slap yourself on the hand with your other hand.

    Start creating new, healthy habits.

    At some point in your life you will have to face up to your fears and anxieties. Yes, it's a scary prospect and will be uncomfortable at times, but it's also an opportunity for emotional growth/maturity. Therapy would be a good idea. You could begin by discussing depression and if you trust the person, you could also open up about your issues with addiction.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    PMO had a negative impact on all of us in the past and still does (otherwise we wouldn't be here). But at the same time we use it as a tool. A tool to help us not to face our fears and also our dreams, because we are afraid that we are not good enough. It's damn hard to stop with something that has always been the number one place to go to deal with problems and negative feelings. I have often used PMO as an excuse for not pursuing my goals. Because I was "not ready" and needed to "recover first".

    I hope you find a way to deal with your fears and problems, birdsky. Like @moose said, you seem to be a good guy and you deserve better.
    birdsky likes this.
  10. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    There's no shame in seeking professional support for anxiety and depression. You should go to the appointment.

    And as for your career, it's definitely not too late to change to something else. If you hate your job so much start making small steps towards a new career (perhaps you could do an online course in your spare time).
    birdsky likes this.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey man.
    Everything we do in the dark will be brought into the light.
    What i'm suggesting is that you open up about your porn addiction to someone trustworthy in the institution. It's good you had an emotional release, maybe some blockages have been flushed away. But don't be fooled into thinking this solves the problem. It might be good to take the step to come clear about your addiction.
    birdsky likes this.
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @birdsky that's the thing with reboot. It could throw you in this depressing cycle. I'm struggling with this right now so I know what you're going through.
    Stay strong.
    birdsky likes this.
  13. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @birdsky don't dwell on your past actions.
    Ask yourself this "if I went back in time will I act the same way?"
    If the answer is no, then you've learned your lesson and you'll do better in future situations.
    Just remember, it will take you many tries and mistakes till you finally get it right, so don't rush things.
    birdsky likes this.
  14. moose

    moose Member

    Ive been on Pristiq which is an SNRI which is better than a SSRI in terms of sexual side effects. Although each can effect people differently. If you are worried about sexual side effects SNRI may be better. But I'm not a Dr. They maybe be offering those for a specific reason.

    In terms of the flatline. I was in a flatline almost 2 weeks in to my reboot. I just recently came out. Well kinda, I guess I'm still in a flatline a little bit. But once I got past the anxiety of the flatline. Things have been easier. It's all in your head. The dangler will start working eventually.
    birdsky likes this.
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Ignore the flatline. In fact ignore anything down there at least for the first three months.

    You don't need to open up about addiction. Only you know what's best for you.

    Good job on maintaining your streak.
    No! Depression will never go away on its own. You need to find something that excites you and makes you happy and add it to your daily life.

    I'm glad I could help.
    birdsky and Deleted User like this.
  16. moose

    moose Member

    Keep strong my friend. Things will get better. I was going through some tough times. I was really down. But things are getting better slowly. I for see the same for you. Just have faith.

    The best thing is to keep yourself busy. That's what I found. Honestly I totally forgot about it. Didn't realize it till I a few days ago and then decided to log back in.

    You're doing good keep at!!!!
    birdsky likes this.
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Fantasy is the problem. Truth is the answer.
    If there's no fantasy there won't be any urges coming from the inside of you.
    I stayed close to the the truth during my stay in the institution, and got a taste of what man I am when i'm listening to God's voice. It's a little more difficult for me 'outside'.
    Hey man, if you know Jesus, stick to Him, with whatever you're doing. Remember God doesn't force you to do or say anything.

    birdsky likes this.
  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You know what you did wrong so don't do it again.
    Now forget and move on.
    You can do this.
    birdsky likes this.
  19. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    My bad. I might have mistaken you for another guy on here.
    birdsky likes this.
  20. VaxNovao

    VaxNovao New Member

    Try to keep yourslf sane , this is just a period of time better days will come.
    birdsky likes this.

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