Last Chance For Me

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by birdsky, Aug 16, 2020.

  1. birdsky

    birdsky New Member


    i am just doing the first step with opening this journal. This is gonna be my last chance.

    That's all for the moment, I will come back.
    runningforfreedom and Shady like this.
  2. birdsky

    birdsky New Member

    Hi guys,

    I am back. Right now, I don't feel motivated writing here, but I have to start at some point, right?

    To me: I am not very different then most of you guys. Started to PMO in my teen years around 13 and have been trying to stop for years. I first find out about this forum or the whole nofap community in 2012. Since then, I try to quit. I probably had 2000 relapses. 2000 times I said that was the last time, since 2012. I felt into depression and my life has been going down for the past years. I don't believe in recovery anymore. I don't believe in myself anymore, when saying that this was the last time. That's why I choose the title "last chance". Maybe I keep relapsing because I am alone with this issue. I have talked to no one about this. Perhaps this time will change, when I have people who might help me keep motivated, or try to find out why I keep relapsing.

    My P consumption reduced in the last years, but it's still too much: I don't want to watch, I don't know why I watch, I don't like to watch, but I watch.

    Meanwhile I think my core issue is not about PMO. It's about edging. I can stop watching this crap but I cannot stop edging. I don't even edge primarily to P, but I do it to fantasy and then MO without being even aroused. It's just my brain that wants me to stimulate my brain. How to break? I don't know. Tried may things, but never tried to talked about it with someone, seriously. I think I destroyed my skin, since I used to edge through my trousers, which causes a lot of fraction.

    As of today, I have not PMO since 15 or 16th of Aug. But I MO a lot in that week. The longest I went were I guess 3 weeks hardmode 5-6 years ago and several one week, and 10 days and 12 days streaks. Around 13-18 days something happens I relapse.

    I am tired. This makes my life shitty. I am 30, but am not a real man. I still a boy without any experience with girls. I don't wanna make this too long, so I stop here and will come back.

    Hopefully I get find some help here, otherwise, I am lost.
  3. Joost

    Joost Member

    With God there are always chances, man. Don’t put yourself on a edge.
    I know you feel lost and without hope, but you’re meant to change for the better.
    I was in that lost boy position some years ago as well. I’m no longer.
    You see, God sees your outcry for help wether you believe in Him or not. Make it a audible cry for help and He’ll respond. You’re not here on this earth to be a slave to your own desires, but to believe. Not to believe in your self but in your purpose in Christ.
  4. birdsky

    birdsky New Member

    I feel down.

    After my last post I had couple of relapses to pmo. it's my 4 day on my new streak. started on the 1st Sept.

    I have bit of headache and feel weak. Life just make no sense right now. Everything feels empty. I wish I never was born. being dead would solve everything. no worries any more no need to deal with all my weaknesses and the weaknesses of the world.
  5. birdsky

    birdsky New Member

    Just relapsed to MO. This cycle will continue until I die.
  6. birdsky

    birdsky New Member

    Here we go. Relapsed to PMO. Tomorrow is going to be Day 1. See you in a couple of days, when I report you about my next relapse ;) I guess it's gonna be tomorrow. I know it, because it's always like that. You might ask what predicts that? I tell you: 8 years of experience! bye
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I like that even when you fall down, you're not giving up.
    Just one day at a time, birdsky. For the rest of today, stay clean. I'm rooting for you.
  8. birdsky

    birdsky New Member

    Hi Apeman,

    thanks for your encouragement. It's interesting that you mention that, since I thought I already have given up. Apparently not, otherwise I wouldn't write here. I am just so tired of this whole thing and all the relapses and unhealthy sexual life style.

    The thing is, I always keep trying because I am religious and it's considered sin. I don't want to sleep around or something just want a wife and a healthy relationship and be able to express my sexuality in a healthy way. However, it's really difficult but I cannot not walk to women and talk to them. That probably the main problem. Even though I think, I cannot have a healthy sexual life anymore, because my penile skin is not sensitive anymore as it used to be when I was younger. Even the erections are not that strong anymore. Once someone told me, that it's no fun anymore with 40 to have sex. I think I missed all the good stuff in my twenties.

    btw: Yesterday, I relapsed to edging. It's not the movies, it's the edging that destroys my penile health and psychological health. I woke up in the morning and fantasized about girls I knew 5-10 years ago, old classmates or colleges. That continued the whole day until I couldn't hold myself anymore. This is so counterproductive. It leads nowhere but destruction of my health. The other part is, I feel bad when i do it. I don't think these girls would like to know me fantasizing about them and edge. It's like an unattractive lady is doing it and thinking about me. I probably wouldn't like that either. I think that's why I felt into depression, because it's hypocrisy when you do stuff preach not to do. I hate doing it, but I am hindered in chancing my own situation.

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