Last Chance For Me

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by birdsky, Aug 16, 2020.

  1. birdsky

    birdsky Member


    i am just doing the first step with opening this journal. This is gonna be my last chance.

    That's all for the moment, I will come back.
    runningforfreedom and Shady like this.
  2. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hi guys,

    I am back. Right now, I don't feel motivated writing here, but I have to start at some point, right?

    To me: I am not very different then most of you guys. Started to PMO in my teen years around 13 and have been trying to stop for years. I first find out about this forum or the whole nofap community in 2012. Since then, I try to quit. I probably had 2000 relapses. 2000 times I said that was the last time, since 2012. I felt into depression and my life has been going down for the past years. I don't believe in recovery anymore. I don't believe in myself anymore, when saying that this was the last time. That's why I choose the title "last chance". Maybe I keep relapsing because I am alone with this issue. I have talked to no one about this. Perhaps this time will change, when I have people who might help me keep motivated, or try to find out why I keep relapsing.

    My P consumption reduced in the last years, but it's still too much: I don't want to watch, I don't know why I watch, I don't like to watch, but I watch.

    Meanwhile I think my core issue is not about PMO. It's about edging. I can stop watching this crap but I cannot stop edging. I don't even edge primarily to P, but I do it to fantasy and then MO without being even aroused. It's just my brain that wants me to stimulate my brain. How to break? I don't know. Tried may things, but never tried to talked about it with someone, seriously. I think I destroyed my skin, since I used to edge through my trousers, which causes a lot of fraction.

    As of today, I have not PMO since 15 or 16th of Aug. But I MO a lot in that week. The longest I went were I guess 3 weeks hardmode 5-6 years ago and several one week, and 10 days and 12 days streaks. Around 13-18 days something happens I relapse.

    I am tired. This makes my life shitty. I am 30, but am not a real man. I still a boy without any experience with girls. I don't wanna make this too long, so I stop here and will come back.

    Hopefully I get find some help here, otherwise, I am lost.
    MrDalloway likes this.
  3. Joost

    Joost Member

    With God there are always chances, man. Don’t put yourself on a edge.
    I know you feel lost and without hope, but you’re meant to change for the better.
    I was in that lost boy position some years ago as well. I’m no longer.
    You see, God sees your outcry for help wether you believe in Him or not. Make it a audible cry for help and He’ll respond. You’re not here on this earth to be a slave to your own desires, but to believe. Not to believe in your self but in your purpose in Christ.
  4. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    I feel down.

    After my last post I had couple of relapses to pmo. it's my 4 day on my new streak. started on the 1st Sept.

    I have bit of headache and feel weak. Life just make no sense right now. Everything feels empty. I wish I never was born. being dead would solve everything. no worries any more no need to deal with all my weaknesses and the weaknesses of the world.
  5. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Just relapsed to MO. This cycle will continue until I die.
  6. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Here we go. Relapsed to PMO. Tomorrow is going to be Day 1. See you in a couple of days, when I report you about my next relapse ;) I guess it's gonna be tomorrow. I know it, because it's always like that. You might ask what predicts that? I tell you: 8 years of experience! bye
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I like that even when you fall down, you're not giving up.
    Just one day at a time, birdsky. For the rest of today, stay clean. I'm rooting for you.
  8. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hi Apeman,

    thanks for your encouragement. It's interesting that you mention that, since I thought I already have given up. Apparently not, otherwise I wouldn't write here. I am just so tired of this whole thing and all the relapses and unhealthy sexual life style.

    The thing is, I always keep trying because I am religious and it's considered sin. I don't want to sleep around or something just want a wife and a healthy relationship and be able to express my sexuality in a healthy way. However, it's really difficult but I cannot not walk to women and talk to them. That probably the main problem. Even though I think, I cannot have a healthy sexual life anymore, because my penile skin is not sensitive anymore as it used to be when I was younger. Even the erections are not that strong anymore. Once someone told me, that it's no fun anymore with 40 to have sex. I think I missed all the good stuff in my twenties.

    btw: Yesterday, I relapsed to edging. It's not the movies, it's the edging that destroys my penile health and psychological health. I woke up in the morning and fantasized about girls I knew 5-10 years ago, old classmates or colleges. That continued the whole day until I couldn't hold myself anymore. This is so counterproductive. It leads nowhere but destruction of my health. The other part is, I feel bad when i do it. I don't think these girls would like to know me fantasizing about them and edge. It's like an unattractive lady is doing it and thinking about me. I probably wouldn't like that either. I think that's why I felt into depression, because it's hypocrisy when you do stuff preach not to do. I hate doing it, but I am hindered in chancing my own situation.
  9. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    2 things that keeps my longest streaks going was: sport and nutrition.
    Im into edging too unfortunately. Its pathetic how much time I wasted doing it. I could do it all day long. Literally all day.
    Exercising gives me a healthier substitute of that dopamine kick. So its easier do deal with temptations. You should find sth for you: running, swimming, gym. Set some goals. In spare time read about it, educate yourself. To occupy your mind.
    Clean your diet. Its clinicaly proven that what we eat have huge impact on our willpower.
    I think it may help you with breaking the bad habit.

    You set yourself to failure few posts earlier. You justified relapse before it even happened. You and I are grown man. We need to control ourselves to get better. Good things dont come easy. Relapsing is easy. Ugly truth is that nobody cares how we will waste our lives. We should be the ones that cares and take responsibility.
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2020
  10. Joost

    Joost Member

    Hey, how is it going birdsky?
  11. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    @Joost: As usual, I would say. Since my last post on 6th of Sept nothing much happened. It's the same cycle. I had a week when I did something I usually don't do, after I came home from work I went straight to P sites and PMOed. I did not feel bad about it I just did it, without edging or something. On 25th of Sept. I said, it's enough and I stopped til the 2 of Oct. So 7 days. on the 3rd and 4rd I PMOed. The interesting thing is, when I relapsed I did not had any urge to watch porn or edge without it. I only remember that I felt really depressed. My mood was so low, I did even felt sexually aroused, but still, I relapsed.

    I think I will start a therapy, but not because of PMO more because of my depression. I probably won't even mention my addition in the hope that it will cure itself, when I have stable mindset again.


    When I start thinking about the time I wasted edging and harming myself or just wasting time with doing nothing on the computer I get depressed. The last weeks I just turned this damn thing off and just did nothing and relaxed or read a book.

    I actually eat healthy already, no fast food, always fresh cooked vegetables etc and exercising helps for sure. My problem lies in not being a men, you know? It's about manlihood. I am just not a men. I am 30 but still a boy. I have missed so much in my development becoming a men. It's hard enough in western societies, but when you struggle with social phobia it's getting even harder. I need to face my anxieties, because real men may have fears but real men face their fears and fight them.

    The fact that a wife is missing on my side, is so damn normal. I don't have a wife, cause I don't deserve one. I am just a virgin boy in his thirties. So pathetic. Life could be so easy. I could have a normal life and pleasure the normal instinct on a normal way with a real person. With passion, with LOVE. Sometimes when I am outside I see people having partners and I just thing, men they are regular people but still have someone. It's normal thing to have someone. It's abnormal do be alone. So naturally it should not be too difficult to find a partner. Doesn't matter how I look...

    Another thing is, I am sure that I keep relapsing, because the FEAR of not being able to deal with all the new sensations and emotions I might encounter when I am healed. I can not find an answer why i keep relapsing when I wouldn't fear a world without edging and PMO. Because being on a streak feels good and normal people keep going when something feels good.
  12. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Here we go. Today is gonna be day 1 for me. We will see how many days I last this time. Maybe I will start tracking my days again. I had done that before, but it kind of got an addiction in itself. I will just try to report here on a daily basis.

    Maybe I will go 30 days strictly without P initially and just MO if I don't see any option. Hopefully someone will be here to remind me before failure.

    It's almost 3 months until the end of the year. When I manage to stop watching P at least I will have achieved something for this year. I am sick of watching this sh*t.
    Shady likes this.
  13. moose

    moose Member

    Hey man, you sound like a really nice guy. You do deserve a wife. You do deserve to be happy. I really think you should try the therapy route. I did my first session with a sex therapist on Monday. I felt so much better. I did have to tell them everything. But for the first time in my life I opened up about this with a real person and they were compassionate and supportive.

    I really suggest it.

    Keep your head up high dude.
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    The fantasy/edging habit needs to stop. By continuing to engage in this behaviour you're self-soothing in an unhealthy way. The friction is even damaging your skin!

    Try interrupting the pattern - every time you find yourself about to do it, slap yourself on the hand with your other hand.

    Start creating new, healthy habits.

    At some point in your life you will have to face up to your fears and anxieties. Yes, it's a scary prospect and will be uncomfortable at times, but it's also an opportunity for emotional growth/maturity. Therapy would be a good idea. You could begin by discussing depression and if you trust the person, you could also open up about your issues with addiction.
  15. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hey moose, thank you for your kind words. I wish you all the best on your journey into a greater life.

    @forlorn Absolutely right, it needs to stop. I really hope I did not cause any permanent damage. Although that's unlikely. Our bodies are so good in healing themselves we give them the room for it. I had cut my hand couple of months ago and after some weeks I cannot even tell where I cut myself. However, that's the point, it sometimes needs weeks sometimes months to heal. Being patient is the key to success. Hopefully I will be patient this time.

    This "hand slapping" method I tried a couple of years ago, reinforcing my brain with pain when doing this unhealthy habit. Probably I haven't sticked to it for too long. This time I will try until my brain associates edging with pain.

    Hopefully, the therapy will help me figuring out about my stongs and weakness to help me understanding myself better and developing better self-confidence.

    What annoys me is that I am 30. When you are younger age, people won't be too harsh on you when you misbehave, the older you get the more people expect you to have become something. I haven't achieved much in the last years, just aborted college because of the depression and have nothing right now (except a job that I hate). It feels to late to change anything. Starting over with 30 is still something I should do, because I still have at least 30-40 years to work. However, I fear doing the mistakes people "have the right to do" in their 20's. I know it make no sense, some people are 40 and 50 and still learn and misbehave from time to time. It's just that my character changed in the past few years, I kind of became stubborn towards society because I don't like how things go.

    One thing at a time. I just need to get out of the depression and stop edging and the disgusting movies. Then my mind will get hopefully clearer and I will see certain things in a different light.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2020
    -Luke- likes this.
  16. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Yesterday, I did have some little fantasies. I blocked them with meditating for a bit.

    In the morning I felt depressed. Right now, I feel optimistic and good. I have gotten my appointment for the mental institution for my depression. It starting in two days. However, I am not sure if I should go that road. What are they gonna teach me how to deal with social anxiety? I know how to deal with it: beat the feeling and just do it. I just need to do it, there is no way around. I basically should just get out and do it. Of course this is difficult because of corona.

    I have the feeling I am waiting for someone who holds my hand and tells me, "sweetly, just do it". Do I need that? Is that how a real men acts? NO, that's how little children act. Am I a children? NO, I am a grown adult men, who is able to do stuff. I just need to believe in it.

    It's about doing stuff, right now I feel like I could beat it myself, but I am sure it won't hold for long and I am deep into the depression again.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    PMO had a negative impact on all of us in the past and still does (otherwise we wouldn't be here). But at the same time we use it as a tool. A tool to help us not to face our fears and also our dreams, because we are afraid that we are not good enough. It's damn hard to stop with something that has always been the number one place to go to deal with problems and negative feelings. I have often used PMO as an excuse for not pursuing my goals. Because I was "not ready" and needed to "recover first".

    I hope you find a way to deal with your fears and problems, birdsky. Like @moose said, you seem to be a good guy and you deserve better.
    birdsky likes this.
  18. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    There's no shame in seeking professional support for anxiety and depression. You should go to the appointment.

    And as for your career, it's definitely not too late to change to something else. If you hate your job so much start making small steps towards a new career (perhaps you could do an online course in your spare time).
    birdsky likes this.
  19. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    It's weird I am starting again to fantasize. The point here is, am not fantasizing about weird stuff. It's about my future wife and how I cuddle with her or just be not so alone anymore. Having someone to hug. However, this, kind of leads to arousal and my brain starts saying touch yourself. Brain: I won't! You have been playing nuts with me. I am not gonna listen to you. I won't fantasize about it anymore, because I am a men, who can find a wife to do it in real life!

    I will go to my appointment tomorrow and will see how I feel there and if they can help me getting out of the depression. Not sure, if I am going to update my journal during that time, since I will try to not use my smartphone.
  20. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    I know I said I won’t write here while in the hospital. However, something happened today that I want to keep in my journal.

    I almost haven‘t used any technical devices today, expect my smartphone for creating this post.

    In the late afternoon I went with some other people from the hospital in the forrest for a walk. I kind of got sentimental, and had a hard time to not start crying in front of the other people.

    However, when we arrived back in the hospital, I went straight into my room to put my jacket off, before I could that, I couldn’t hold my self and started crying. it was kind of extrem.

    I was the whole day in movement, and dealt with myself. At times it got boring, since there was no program for today.

    Maybe it‘s not only the P addiction, I think it‘s how much time I spend overall at home with my pc and ignoring my inner feelings by doing that. It‘s too sad. Nonetheless, I feel relieved right now.

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