Kurisu's Quest

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by kurisu, Mar 11, 2012.

  1. kurisu

    kurisu New Member

    Thanks for stopping by! Some of you might recognize me from Reuniting, which is where I've been blogging about this for the last three years. This being a new blog on a new site, I think now is a good time to re-introduce myself and start from the beginning.

    Where to begin!? I am here because I have not been able to stop looking at porn and masturbating. I am here because I believe this behavior has turned me into the walking dead, cheating me out of any kind of life or energy or happiness. I'm 30 years old at the time of this writing; I discovered PMO when I was 11 and I first recognized it as an evil that must be stopped when I was 15. I am 30 and it hasn't stopped. I refuse to waste any more years.

    If I could summarize my childhood into one sentence, it would be this: My entire childhood was one gigantic lesson on how to be unhappy.

    I have early memories of loneliness as my parents both worked and dropped me off at various day care places every day. Later, I went to a very small school run by people with very small minds, which meant that if you weren't exactly the same as everyone else, then you were a problem and had to be punished. Everyone else was into sports and stuff; I was into geeky things like computers and video games. Reputations travel fast in small environments, so for the next eight years, I was branded "the kid who never does his homework." If I had someone who showed any interest in me at the time, maybe I would have felt inspired to do more homework--at least, the school's method of "detention almost every day while the other kids get to go home" did absolutely nothing to help me. Combine all this torture with puberty and the discovery of Victoria's Secret catalogs, and the addiction was almost instantaneous. To top it all off, I had absolutely zero sexual education of any kind--not from parents, not from school, none. I was--literally--left to my own devices.

    By the time I got to high school, I switched schools and found that the new environment somehow enabled me to do homework. But by then, I just wanted to be left alone. It's not that I didn't want friends, it's more that I didn't trust anybody not to hurt me. So, I generally stayed away from people, because that way was easiest. I actually had a pretty good freshman year because I guarded myself so well and dulled any potential pain by using PMO. I am convinced that for a short time, before the negative effects kick in, the addiction actually works. That's part of what makes it so addictive.

    But we all know loneliness can't be a way of life for very long. Quickly I developed a crush on a very sweet girl, which of course I had no clue how to deal with. So all that energy was turned inward. To make matters worse--much worse--my parents began requiring me to go out of town every weekend and help them with building their cabin in the middle of nowhere. In the summers, I was there for 4-5 days at a time. This was a terrible, terrible part of my life because it was so isolating at a time when I really needed to have social contact with my peers. It was especially hellish because my parents would not listen to me when I tried to tell them how much I was suffering. It gave me the impression that some cabin in the middle of nowhere was more important than my well being. It was not until I was 18 that I could legally refuse to go, but by then, the emotional damage was already done.

    I could go on, but really that's the jist of it. I should also mention I had a kind but powerless father and a very nagging and overbearing mother, which means I never had much of a male role model. It's weird to be 30 and six feet tall and still looking for a good man to look up to.

    I never learned how to relate or interact with other people in meaningful ways. PMO has always filled that gap. If I can learn what it means to be happy, take care of myself, and form meaningful relationships with people, then PMO will become powerless. That is what this quest is about.

    Today is Day 1 according to my day counter, but it's not as bad as it seems. I've just been getting more serious about what resets the day counter. I'm actually more like 25 days with no O, but I looked at enough P yesterday to warrant a counter reset. So, today is Day 1. The P and M (especially edging) is just as harmful to me as the O, so now, I am relentless with resetting the day counter if I look at any P. Thanks for reading this.
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    That's a pretty heavy story man. I guess you no longer have a good relationship with your parents anymore?

    its funny, I too had this phase during puberty where i considered masturbation to be a bad thing.. was our gut feeling right all this time?
  3. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    Well, it´s nice that you have at least enough trust into people to post your story here, that´s one step into the right direction!

    So, success and keep posting.
  4. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Thanks for sharing your story. I'll share one piece of advice: if you don't currently have much ability to socialize with people, that's something that's pretty easy to fix. I use to be pretty bad, but really just started making more of an effort. There's varying extremes for getting more comfortable with strangers, from simply forcing yourself to make trite observations in public places ("Nice day today") to engaging in these pseudo-humiliating experiences (saying weird shit in elevators--one guy I was reading about tied a dildo to the top of his head and went walking around the mall. The first few minutes were very embarrassing, but after a while he had something of a revelation.). Or you could just get out of the house by taking a night class, or something. Whatever you do, realize that this is pretty easy to fix. PMO is not helping in this regard, as you know.

    There are some serious benefits to your parents removing you from your peer group while you were growing. In fact, some researches like Gordon Neufeld think that the recent move to a "peer-oriented society" for young children is the root cause of all these new mental illnesses we're seeing in children (ADD, etc.).
  5. kurisu

    kurisu New Member

    Thanks guys! Psychosis, you are absolutely right--it IS easy to begin socializing with others, but only if I'm not PMO'ing. If I try to socialize any time when I've recently PMO'ed, then it is very hard. I freeze and can't talk to people--it's like there's a subconscious shame that takes over. All the more reason not to PMO! Today is Day 2 without PMO, and something like Day 25 with no O. I went to a social function earlier today where I saw some moderate success. This is looking good. I'll be back to write whenever interesting things happen.
  6. ghostinthemirror

    ghostinthemirror New Member

    I wish you much success. Please update with your newest experience we all want to know how you're doing!
  7. kurisu

    kurisu New Member

    Hi guys, I'm back again and as embarrassed as ever. Today is Day 0 after several days of on-and-off relapsing. I've been fighting this for so long. I've made what appears to be zero progress. It SEEMS hopeless, but I will never give up hope!

    Not sure if I made this clear before, but I greatly struggle with loneliness and rejection. And lately, there has been a lot of both those things in my life. I don't want to go into much detail here, but two very close friends recently threw me out of their lives (on totally separate occasions). Their decisions shocked me in all ways. They both have their personal hangups to deal with which might have colored their decisions, but nonetheless, I have been suffering greatly over these losses. They will probably continue to affect me for a good amount of time. I don't currently have an outlet for dealing with these types of things.

    I already hear what you're saying--"If you don't have an outlet, then go get one!" I know I know, and believe me, I'm on it. It requires more privacy and more money than I have at the moment. I am actively looking for a job. Getting a job will provide both money and privacy, since I'll be able to move out of my parents' house and live without my mom's scorching criticisms (as I said above, my mom is an extreme nag). Until I get a job, there's not much else I can really do to relieve stress. I have built up a pretty strong resume, so (I'm hoping) it's only a matter of time.

    That's all for now; back in awhile.
  8. kurisu

    kurisu New Member

    Day 10 - Finally, back into the double digits! There isn't much to say that hasn't already been said 1000 times. Lots of withdrawal symptoms, life's a pain right now. Today is one of those days where everything hurts and nothing makes it better. I know that my mind is not going to function well enough to accomplish anything meaningful, so I'll watch some movies and just relax for the evening.

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