Kickin' the habit

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheDude, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Day 7

    Mixed feelings. I believe that Day 6 is when it starts getting difficult for me, as that was the day that I relapsed on during the previous attempt, and its when I felt my weakest. This was strange because I really wasn't that aroused at all, I have peeked at a few pictures on facebook but nothing even approaching softcore porn. I am rewatching the early seasons of Mad Men, but I make a point of fast forwarding during the sex scenes. Those that I don't, I am just...not that aroused by. I believe that I am currently in the early stages of a flat line. I had urges to masturbate as I mentioned earlier, but the strange part is that there was no real stimulus other than the boredom of laying in bed in the morning on a day I didn't have to get up early. I even started stroking a bit and just...nothing much. It didn't really feel all that good, I had an erection but not a full one and I just generally wasn't into it. This has served to reinforce the notion that masturbation became an almost mechanical act for me, more a habit than a pleasurable activity. Either way I am open to flatlining now that there is no girl to explain it all too, so here is to continuing progress. Now that I have made it through the weekend the rest should be easy.
     
  2. Withnail

    Withnail New Member

    Rewiring your brain will really tie the room together dude.
     
  3. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Fuckin' A it will
     
  4. wayne_992

    wayne_992 New Member

    just try to keep going man, try to fight it
     
  5. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    That's the idea.

    Day 7 has come and gone, I survived the weekend which has always been the most difficult due to all the down time in comparison to the rest of the week. Had some more purely mechanical urges to masturbate, they really were not all that strong just thought well I have some down time, what should I do and thought well I could...and then I would say nope, not doing that. Definitely flat lining though, have had I think a single solid erection since this whole thing started. Hoping that just means that I am making some progress, and going to keep going until I start to see more regular erections from non porn and non fantasy stimuli. Being totally honest it does trouble me a little bit, but the thought of not having a normal sex life for the rest of my life outweighs that so I keep going.

    On a different note, it is nice to see this site really growing. I remember when there were perhaps mine and 4 or 5 other journals, and now I don't post for a day or two and I almost end up on the seconds page. Good to see all the growth.
     
  6. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Well, this post has been a long time coming. Too be honest I have felt to ashamed to come back, as I binged pretty heavily. After my last post I made it another 3 days, and then I had a porn relapse. Then another, then another and I was binging for a few days. I was unable to go more than about 24 hours at a time for about 4 days. While this was going on I was feeling pretty depressed and angry at myself for having been able to make it 4 weeks before and now seemingly unable to go 4 hours. So I installed a web filter on my phone (in addition to that on my two laptops) and started a new regimen. I started it by allowing myself to edge, which continued for about 3 days. Then I clicked on a link on my desktop which is located in my neighbors apartment so I have to go over there to use it and don't go back to being a bit of a hermit because of video games again. The link was to some nsfw stuff, I started clicking through images and felt that incredible rush coming on and then I walked away. I went back to my apartment and started working on some homework, and felt an unbelievable pull to go back as I felt that I HAD to see one of those images again, that it was something that I NEEDED to do. I managed to hold out for about an hour, and then all of sudden that urge was just....gone. I no longer felt that incredible urge to run next door to see that image all over again, I went back to work and haven't really felt that kind of urge since. I went out with some friends Thursday and Friday night, Friday hooking up with a girl but then going back for the night. The last two times that had happened I went home and masturbated, but this time I was able to resist that as well.

    Over all I have been feeling pretty good. Going on Day 6 now, 3 days no edging whatsoever and feeling confident. I know I am going out on Saturday so I am using that as motivation, telling myself well don't masturbate now because then you may have the ED problem again on Saturday night. Shame is a powerful motivator ::). I'll be sure to check in here daily, its another thing that motivates me to keep going.
     
  7. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Relapsing sucks, but you've learned two things. First, you've learned how insidious and powerful this poison is. Second, you've learned that you CAN resist, that you CAN conquer the craving.

    Good job getting back on track.

    Be vigilant.

    Be strong.
     
  8. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Yup, it was pretty powerful to see how I could go through such intense cravings, trying to rationalize it (well, you are just going to look at it for a bit and then you'll be ok) and then say no, and feeling it just being....gone. Its obviously going to happen again, but I know that I beat it once by just sitting on the couch reading a book and I can do it again. I have also started to realize how much a trigger even just Facebook is, and while I can't cut it completely off because its the only way I can get in touch with lots of people I have been limiting my time and being conscious of what I am looking at.
     
  9. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Day 8, going strong. Lots of work I need to be getting done and various paperwork for the stuff over the summer. Now that I am fully aware of how dangerous even FB pictures can be I avoid it when I can and skip over stuff like that.
     
  10. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    On Day 11 now and feeling good. Been going out socially more in the last 3 weeks than I used to in entire semesters and loving just being out with a group of people. Been casually hooking up with this one girl (as in just making out and some general physical contact, nothing too sexual) and then not feeling the need to masturbate as soon as I get home, which is terrific news in my book. Looking forward to hitting week 2 in just a few short days.

    I think that part of the reason for my success in getting out of the binging cycle that I was is being very honest to myself about triggers. From the beginning of the PMO time I was lying to myself about just what constituted "Porn", saying that facebook type stuff didn't count. Well, it definitely does and I was a fool for saying anything otherwise, same goes for TV. I just finished rewatching all of Mad Men and I didn't believe all the sex scenes were having an effect. They were, now I see them coming and skip over them. The FB/TV softcore stuff are definitely triggers, and if you are having issues getting a long reboot make sure that you are accounting for this.

    TL:DR, feeling well, avoid any and all triggers
     
  11. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    On day 12, just checking in. Had a strong urge to edge this morning and managed to nix it. The sooner you realize that all those little things count and only lead to a relapse (looking at softcore pics, edging, fantasizing) the easier it is to mentally shut them out.
     
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Sounds like you're making good progress since you're able to control the urges. Stay strong, and I can almost bet that something great will happen since you enjoy being social now.
     
  13. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Sure is. I am developing a casual hookup that isn't likely going to become overly sexual before I leave in a month for 6 weeks away at training. When thats over and I have a whole summer to go nuts during...
     
  14. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Day 13 is here, been a bit down recently. Weather has been a bit crap and going through the ramp up to finals. Got my desktop (which has no filters) back into my own room to prepare for the neighbors moving out for the summer and I am waffling over putting filters on. On the one hand, I can't have the filters forever and they are a bit of a crutch. On the other, I want this current reboot to last until my military training starts, which will have me so busy/exhausted I will not have the time to even think about PMO. Leaning towards the filter.
     
  15. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Well, that was incorrect. That was Day 14, so I have knocked down 2 weeks, with an indefinite number to go. On Day 15 and still feeling pretty good, definitely flatlining though, and for the first time that I have been rebooting I actually don't mind it at all. My whole attitude on this reboot has been much more serious, reading back through my old pen and paper journal revealed that I started edging on my original 28 day reboot on day 5. Wondering when I will hit that turning point when I start getting real horny again, but focusing more on preparing for the training this summer.
     
  16. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Day 17, still going strong gents. Not quite sure if I am flatlining or not, but not willing to "test" whether or not that is true with some stimulation of my own. I did get an erection (but not a full one, as I caught myself) from a little fantasizing earlier today. Either way, I feel like I am making great progress.
     
  17. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Day 19

    Had a sexual encounter yesterday that indicates that I am making some great progress. We made out/had physical contact for a long time and it felt great, much better than it had before the reboot, and I was wearing khaki shorts the whole time so it would probably have been much better without that impediment. It ended in a handjob, which is another good sign because of the warning signs I had was one girls inability to get me off using a handjob only a few months ago, and this was not with a "deathgrip" or similar style to what I used to masturbate. Erection was at 95% at least so I feel pretty good about that as well. No real urges to PMO following, and I am on 7 days of having a computer without filters and not peeking at anything whatsoever. I'm definitely not out of the woods yet, but it feels good to be reminded of why I am putting myself through this.
     

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