Kickin' the habit

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheDude, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Hey all,

    So, like many of you I am here to vent, get a little support and read about how others are going through this.

    Obligatory background story, sorry about the length but I need to vent a bit:
    I am 20 years old, and have been masturbating for the last 8 years. Not entirely sure what sparked it at first, but I am sure that I was not doing it to the extreme until high school rolled around. During high school I began to have access to my own computer, and so my porn use began to increase. I had viewed porn prior to it, but it was something done only rarely as the family computer was, well, the family computer and I was worried about getting walked in on or my parents finding out. When I received my own computer I began viewing more porn, but I was (I now know) blessed by having very, very crap internet so I was not able to get into the whole streaming thing. This meant that I had access to a few downloaded videos and that was it. I began masturbating perhaps daily (not really sure how often, to be honest) by the end of high school and never really had any sexual contact with women, which I wrote down to just plain old anxiety and fear of rejection, something I am sure we can all relate to. Then college started.

    College for me meant a whole new world, and as a bit of a shy person that was a bit much. I had a good roommate who was often in the library studying, during which I began my streaming porn habit. I began masturbating as often as 4 times a day if it was a weekend and I had the time. I did not realize it, but I was replacing genuine physical and emotional intimacy with women with pornography. I was single all through my first 2.5 years of college, only making out with a single girl and chalked it all up to being "picky" about women and social anxiety. During this time my masturbation habit was escalating, I would have an hour gap in between classes and I would hurry back to the dorm to masturbate. It became almost a non sexual habit for me, where I would masturbate if I couldn't sleep, if nothing else was going on, etc. It would get particularly bad when I would go for breaks. My college has an early schedule, so few if any of my friends would be home at the same time. This lead to me spending most of my time in my room, masturbating. I would masturbate, watch a movie, see a hot girl in it, open a browser, masturbate, etc. This would happen sometimes as much as 6 times a day, getting to the point at the end of the day where there was not even all that much pleasure involved, just the urge to mechanically perform the action. I would only ejaculate on the first time, something which should have been sending out all sorts of warning signals but I wasn't really looking for them.

    My first real sexual experience happened last January, over my winter break. I met this girl at a party, we started hooking up, and then we went back to her apartment. She made it clear that we were not going to have sex (which I was ok with, because I had just met her and because I was more than a little nervous/embarrassed about being a virgin) and we ended up in the bedroom. We ended up without any clothes on and I asked if she would be willing to go down on me, but she said she would not that night. We tried to make the best of this and she started to give me a handjob, but it just wasn't really doing it for me. She would get her fingers wet with her mouth and then stroke a bit, it would feel good for a few seconds and then it would start drying up and just getting uncomfortable. I blamed this (in my head) on her not really being "good" at it, but I realize now that it was because she was not using a "Deathgrip" similar to what I was using to masturbate with. I went down to visit a friend for a couple of days, and went without masturbating because I didn't really feel the urge for the first two days and because we were sleeping in the same room. I noticed at the end of my stay (5 days) that I was getting morning wood, as well as being far more sensitive than I could remember. I scheduled another date with the girl the day I got back, and that morning I masturbated, telling myself that this way I wouldn't be too excited when I went on the date/that night. I masturbated once, it felt phenomenal, and then I did two more times. That night she brought some lube out, and that (and her mouth) helped things along. I did notice that light stroking even with the lubricant wasn't getting the job done, so I showed her how to do what I was used to (gripping the penis like a fist, tight grip) and that felt a lot better.

    I got back down to school and felt quite a bit better about myself, but still wasn't really sexually active. I slid right back into masturbating several times a day, as the toxic combination of having your own room and access to high speed internet (I have spent the last semester and a half in an apartment) worked its way into my system. I would turn down invitations to go out socially because I would rather sit around and play video games/masturbate instead. Then, I met another girl, lets call her Sally. Sally knocked me off my feet, we met in a tutoring group, started flirting a bit there and then later on FB/texting. She is drop dead gorgeous so I didn't think that she could possibly be interested in me, but then I asked her out and she said yes so that answered that question. We went out for dinner and then she came back to my apartment. We watched a movie and started making out on my front couch, and that was as far as it went that day. I made another date for 4 days later, which went a bit farther. We started on the couch and then moved back to my bedroom, where the clothes came out and we got each other off. She went down on me and I noticed that it just, well, didn't feel all that good. I mean, I found her very, very attractive, quite a bit more than that other girl and she knew what she was doing but it just didn't seem to feel all that amazing. I came in about 2 minutes, and it felt very good but not as good as it had before. Looking back, I realize that it was probably because I had masturbated somewhere around 12 times that day as well as the two days before it. We scheduled another date, and this time she hinted that we were going to go a bit farther than previously.

    She came over, repeat of last time. We made out on the couch, went back to my room and went down on each other. This time I had the same good but not great sensation (I could recall times that I had masturbated and it felt far better. This worried me but not everything had quite fallen into place yet) and then we went out to a party had a drink or two over the course of an hour and headed back to my apartment. We started out with a little foreplay, I went down on her and then she asked if I wanted to have sex. I awkwardly explained that I was virgin and she just smiled and asked where the condoms where. She put it on and I noticed that I just wasn't that hard, I was fully extended and a little stiff but not enough to achieve penetration. The condom came off, she started teasing me a little with her mouth but it wasn't enough to get me fully erect. Another condom went on and we tried anyway, but it just wasn't working and she finished me off with her mouth. Needless to say I was mortified, and spent a good few minutes telling her it was 100% not her fault in any way, we wrote it off as performance anxiety and the fact that she had gotten me off earlier. The next morning she left as she had work and I laid in my bed and wondered why in the hell this had happened. As a test I fired up some porn and tried to masturbate but I wasn't even able to get a full erection like that, which I attribute to the multiple orgasms I had the night before but it still worried me. So I called up a very close family friend with whom I knew I could talk with about these sorts of things. She had been telling me for years to cut the porn out of my life and she started that up again, but now I was reading all the articles that she would send me in a totally different light, and then I found yourbrainonporn.

    Jesus is all I could say to myself. The porn induced ED made everything sort of fall into place, particularly why the multiple windows/switching edging triggered such a powerful orgasm for me compared to plain old fantasy and single video, as well as the novelty "perfect picture" rapidly became just another picture after climax. This scared me absolutely shitless, as I really liked this girl on and wanted this relationship to work out. I immediately deleted every single thing that I had on my hard drive, I blocked the sites that I visited the most frequently, and I stopped masturbating. All of this started 7days ago. The first few days were actually pretty easy, and "Sally" was really busy that week so all we could do was have lunch on Wednesday. I started having daydreams about her quite a bit, leading to quite strong erections after day 3 or so and continuing up until now. To be clear, these are not porn fueled bend her over a table and pound type fantasies, but more just remembering kissing her and stuff like that. This is where I feel that I differ a little bit from where many of the other stories that I read on here. I had actually been moving away from "Hardcore" for the last year or so. I just didn't get all that turned on by the rough sex that I saw there, and preferred the X art type slow, soft core sensual stuff. Why I bring this up is because I have been reading that fantasies are generally frowned on, but these are healthy fantasies that virile guys my age should be having. Unfortunately they lead to urges (I am on day 8 now, and oh boy is it getting hard. Pun intended) that I have been able to keep down for now. I might fondle myself a little bit because it feels very, very good but every time I think about continuing I just remember how embarrassed I was that night and the urge dies pretty quickly. I have felt a few urges to watch porn, but I haven't seen a frame this whole time and I don't think that I am going to relapse on that part.

    So that is the story so far. I have been keeping a personal, pen and paper journal for the last week and I figured that it was time to get started on here as well. I am trying to get "Sally" to come on over but we both have a very busy schedule for this upcoming week and then she is leaving on a service trip for spring break, so I don't know if I will be able to have a female created orgasm for another two weeks or so. I have been signing up for work shifts like mad over break to make sure that I have plenty to do to keep me occupied. My libido is already quite elevated and I really, really, want her to come over but another part of me wants to be PMO for as long as possible before getting back into bed with her, to guarantee no repeats of last time. Another part complicating this is that I just had some warts taken off my feet so I haven't been able to run (normally work out every weekday in the morning plus solo running) and this means that I have quite a bit more downtime and energy than normal, which is not helping in distracting me from urges. Oh well, should be back on my feet by Tuesday and that should help quite a bit. If you have any questions or comments I would love to hear them, the more time that I spend reading and responding the less time I have for temptation.
     
  2. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Just to go over progress in a bit more detail, I had a pretty quick rebound from the rock bottom libido I had the 2 days following the ED problem. On the night of Day 5 I had one of the first sexual dreams (gorgeous girl I haven't seen in days randomly came to my door, we start making out and I woke up at 2:30 AM with a hard on.) and have been waking up with erections fairly regularly. This sounds almost too good to be true as far as progress is concerned, which is why I am worried that I am on some sort of uptick of libido before I bottom out and flatline like so many others do. Either way, PM is out of the picture for as long as I can hold out, planning on making that forever for P.
     
  3. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Hey, you seem to have made some pretty good progress thus far. I'd say, just keep it going and you should be good in no time.
     
  4. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Thanks man. I feel that way, but I am not getting my hopes up too much in case I am just in a "good period" before my libido takes a dive or something similar.

    Something that I have been noticing when reading through other's journals is that there seems to be this rigid opposition to masturbation and orgasm in general. I remember reading some YBOP quotes where men were not even having orgasms with their wives because it violated the PMO regimen they had been on for weeks. This confuses me, as it seems that you want to have orgasms with women (particularly women whom you have an emotional connection with) in order to rewire your brain to the proper stimulus. Obviously all the Porn has to go, but it seems that some follow the no orgasm part with an almost religious zeal. I can sympathize with the no masturbation part for the foreseeable future because of the self control issue, the same fear that I have that even a single time will lead to a binge and relapse. But no orgasms, even when having 100% healthy sex with a woman? Don't really get it.
     
  5. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Well, I'm in no way an expert on the subject, and frankly I'm not really much trained in the sciences at all--but I think the idea of going without orgasm is to avoid the risk that it may activate the same paths in the brain that are activated during the viewing of P. I guess this means that P could pop into the head in subtle ways while having normal sex. Also, I think a lot of the guys here (myself included) just want to get a clean break, erring totally on the side of caution with this. I'd be curious to hear others thoughts on this too.
     
  6. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Well, I guess that I am luckier than most as in late May I am leaving for a 6 week military program during which I will have next to 0 privacy and be constantly surrounded by men. Obviously I am not going to just give up now and wait until then, but that would be the icing on the cake if I can make it that far without PM.
     
  7. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Update: Day 8 down, started Day 9.

    Was feeling minor urges all morning, found a few last remnants of the Porn archive (saved in a weird file location) and deleted it right away before I could see anything. Feels good to be sure that there is not a scrap left. Decided that the easiest way to head off the urges was to be in a place where they were impossible to be acted upon, so I went out to do some schoolwork in our library. Had a fair number of the non porn fantasies I have laid out above (with the girl I have been seeing, more just thinking about kissing her, remembering how her body looks + felt) but managed to stay focused most of the day and got some work done. Later at work I had 0 urges (I work a fairly physical job resetting rooms, moving tables and chairs and carts, etc) and just felt far more social with my coworkers than normal, particularly the cute girl who works at the front desk. Spent about an hour just talking and flirting with her, and all I could think about was how only 2 weeks ago I would have vastly preferred sitting to the side and not saying a word. I am really liking this very socially confident person I am rediscovering, and its even more motivation to keep going. Woke up this morning without wood and it worried me a little bit ( I have woken up with wood the last 3 days), looked at my alarm and realized I could sleep for another two hours. Had an incredibly vivid dream where I was making out with a girl and woke up in the middle of it with one of the hardest erections I could remember.

    TL:DR, few M urges, almost no P urges. Morning wood.
     
  8. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Day 9: Spent all day hanging out with friends and working on school work, woke up with morning wood but other than that not all that many spontaneous erections.

    Day 10: In the middle of it right now, woke up with wood again. The girl that I have been seeing got back (was gone for the weekend) late last night and so she came over and we started hooking up. Even from just the kissing I was ROCK hard. Eventually moved back to the bedroom and just kinda grinding on her felt fantastic, much better than it had before. When she went down on my it felt quite a bit better and I definitely did not last as long as I had been before, guess that's the price I pay for going no PMO for 9 days. Not really feeling the chaser thing that many others have described after they experience an O for the first time during their PMO cycle. We are both very, very busy and spending spring break hundreds of miles apart, so it looks like I'll have another PMO "cycle" for about 13 days or so, still going strong on the PM part. I have urges to M, of course, but I have not acted on them and the porn urges seem to born more out of habit than anything else, I am so used to feeling aroused and then reaching for the mouse that I have to catch myself. I have even begun to avoid suggestive pictures in other media to avoid any possible triggers, but I think the P is the easy part for me because its not attached to my body ::). All in all feeling pretty good, and hitting double digits/the MUCH better sensation and apparent banishing of ED gives me the confidence I need to get through the next 13ish days.
     
  9. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    You've no idea how inspiring to us that last post was.
     
  10. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    I hope that it was, I know that reading about success is such a powerful motivating factor, it along with the enormous shame of the ED I experienced was what got me this far and is what is going to keep me going. I am definitely not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot, and so while I like to think of this as progress I am cautious as too just how much progress it really is. Could be that the rewiring has not even really begun and I was merely horny from no PMO for 9 days. That's my worry at least, seeing as how wildly the process varies for people.

    Just checking in as I am procrastinating while writing a paper, seems like the orgasm that I had earlier in the day really took it out of me. Haven't had a full spontaneous erection the whole day, not too worried about it but she may be coming over later tonight so I'll see if I can get another full erection.For me that is going to be a good test, if I can get another full erection less than a day later I am going to be feeling pretty good, if not, well, more motivation to keep going without PM. Don't want to fantasize to "test" my ability to get an erection so I'm a little frustrated. I consider myself fortunate that even if this PM stuff is not sufficient while still being sexually active with a woman, I have 6 straight weeks of training surrounded by almost entirely men and without almost any privacy, where I will be struggling just to stay awake. Sounds like an ideal place to reboot, but I am obviously not going to let myself relapse because I have this coming up in the future. Oh well, back to writing this damn paper.
     
  11. Hopethisworks

    Hopethisworks New Member

    I relate to so much of what you've written. Right down to the switching to x-art as I was realizing my PMO habits were a problem. Best of luck when she comes over again. As I work my way through it, pretty much at the same time you are, I'm realizing that what's important is that I stick to my rules and it will get better. I'm not reading a lot of Porn induced ED stories that end poorly when someone sticks to their program.
     
  12. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    To be quite honest, looking back having that ED crap happen to me was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It is what I snap back to every time that I have the urge to masturbate I just remember how embarrassed I was, how terrible I felt, and thats all the encouragement I need to stay away from the PM. I will fully admit that later in the PM cycle - days 6-9 - I was definitely playing with myself a bit, but it never really got into actual masturbation territory, and I was having no porn flashbacks as some others seem to have.

    That having been said, I have noticed that I think about sex quite a bit, but I am stopping short of describing it as fantasy. This is because it is mostly about this girl, and as I have said in this thread before its not crazy bend her over a table and pound her as she screams yes crap that I saw hundreds of times during the porn binges, its far more intimate. Don't know if this is keeping my "porn circuit" activated instead of going through a full reset, guess that only time is going to tell. That and this 13 day minimum PMO cycle I will be in while she is traveling over break.
     
  13. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Just a quick update for those curious about what happens following a female induced O, at least for me. My urges yesterday plummetted, my frequency of thoughts about sex plummetted, and I found I was no longer really getting spontaneous erections until the end of the day, where I began to get them again when thinking about her. The true test is where I would be in the morning, I have had this strange pattern where I fall asleep, wake up about an hour before I need to, grab a drink of water and urinate, and then go back to sleep. Every single time that I have done this over the last 5 days I have woken with morning wood following this morning nap. Strange. Same thing happened this morning, so the O does not appear to have set me back all that much. Will definitely let you all know what happens if I try to have success in the next few days, both our schedules are full so it may be about 1.5 weeks before we get intimate again, which is good because more rebooting = good thing.
     
  14. james_992

    james_992 Guest

    good progress my friend
     
  15. Hopethisworks

    Hopethisworks New Member

    Great news! Glad to see everything going well after yesterday!
     
  16. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Thanks for the posts guys, you both probably know that every little bit of encouragement helps. Just a bit of an update, seems like I am back to wear I was as far as spontaneous erections before my O the day before, which was definitely not true during the first few days of the PMO cycle. Going two weeks without O is going to be tough, but reading about guys who are going months without PMO I had damn well better persevere.
     
  17. Dilem

    Dilem New Member

    wow your journal is super motivational for us guys without girlfriends at the moment. nice to hear from someone who's experiancing first hand the benefits of the reboot. for me it's realy just a shot in the dark at the moment but reading posts like this motivate me to keep going for sure
     
  18. james_992

    james_992 Guest

    What should i do i had a relapse , i feel horrible ? :mad:
     
  19. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    First step is to just vent. What happened? Why do you think this was? What did you try to stop yourself? Second step is to evaluate how you can interrupt the sequence of events that lead you to the relapse. I know that what I was most worried about at first was the night. I had established a habit at this point where I got ready for bed, laid there for a bit, then masturbated before sleep. I had problems sleeping if I did not follow this process. What I did to get around this was changing up my routine. I made sure that I was not just laying in bed and turning off the lights, instead I was journaling about the PMO process (by hand, which I find makes it far more personal) and then reading a book before going to sleep. I was using my netbook to watch the porn, so I made sure that the netbook was out of reach while I was laying in bed. If I was having trouble sleeping I would make sure that I turned to music, listening to certain quiet songs that calmed me down a bit.

    Take control of that self loathing you might feel right now. Harness it, remember what it feels like and next time you feel that urge focus on how the relapse made you feel.

    Personal Note: End of Day 11. Foot is finally healed so I managed to go out running, I have been running for awhile so I have that whole running/dopamine association you build up through repetitive exercise. I feel genuinely worn out for the first time in awhile, looking forward to hitting the sack and just passing out. Hung out with my neighbor (one of their GFs was visiting, great to get someone to cook for us) and had very few fantasies. Thought about sex less than usual, had one spontaneous + morning wood but tbh I want to have fewer of them.
     
  20. james_992

    james_992 Guest

    Ok, I think ive pin pointed my problem, most times during my process even tho i know its wrong i might tend to edge a little or MO,and for some reason after that happens i get very intense urges to use porn and i believe that is what leads to many of my relapses.As you said most times mines happen in bed day or night.

    ON PERSONAL NOTE: That's great,I sometimes do some skipping my self wears me out sometimes, i also have to give the long jogs a try. I also haven't got a hold of completely putting my fantasies on hold or getting rid of them, that's a tricky aspect i cant seem to grasp. How do you go about doing it ?
     

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