Keeping it real - 100 days.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by sila, Sep 13, 2012.

  1. sila

    sila Guest

    I was on this forum before under the name of dukkha, but took myself away on a whim, due to spending too much time here and thus thinking about porn more than I might do otherwise as I was doing well, and also because I felt a bit uncomfortable with some of the stuff I had posted.

    I'm still going good, on day 25 with no PMO here. Well pleased. When I say PMO I mean no O with P or M, as I have a girfriend and am having regular sex. This said, we have recently started practicing karezza, and so far it's marvellous, and most helpful for me to keep the dopamine cravings at bay. 100% no P or M for me now at the least, and the bettering I feel after only 2 weeks of no O is really starting to build.

    For the record, as I think it's kind of helpful for people to see where each other have come from - I've been using porn since I was 11 and had my first orgasm using it when i was about 12, and porn has been a constant factor in my life for the 30-odd years since then, from the first days of collecting softcore porn mags to more recent times of spending vast swathes of time using internet porn, usually concurrently looking at softcore images of pretty girls whilst playing hardcore movies, with content that has become increasingly extreme and of the nature that I would be ashamed to have my friends and family know about, or anyone for that matter. I'm not going to go into detail, but what I've been watching doesn't reflect the person I am in day to day life.

    I've really had enough and am so very grateful to have stumbled across ybop and this forum. I've felt really desperate at times about my inability to drop this habit but now I feel fully expectant that I will do so.

    The reason I'm back is because being on here has been very helpful indeed, and I'm not ready to go it alone yet as I can feel the old urges creeping around the edges and, while right now i feel strong enough to not want to go there, I feel that i need to be part of the support network offered here, and I enjoyed supporting others too. It's so easy to find myself 'just checking out' bikini videos on youtube that I know I'm only ever a small banana-slip away from being back in the depths of it if I'm not careful.

    I meditate most days and am exercising too, both of which help a lot.

    The plan is to check in here regularly as before, but not spend so much time here as I did, as I realised I was using this site as a kind of surrogate for the time I spent online using porn.

    Porn is a disastrous waste of time, as you will know if you're reading this.

    I had a big awakening on a vipassana meditation retreat a little while ago and it has reset, or rather revealed, my true compass. I'm ashamed of the amount of time I spent debasing myself and others with porn, of the lack of connection it led to in my relationships, of the way in which it enforced such an objectifying view of women and sex, of the wallowing in willful ignorance, deceit and lame activity and so many other things. But now I'm choosing to shower the shame and regret with compassion and warmth; I'm including my demons and hopefully integrating the shadow with the light and working on being a more whole and decent human being. I have seen what we all are underneath the detritus that we cover ourselves with and it is magnificent and wonderful, pure and radiant, and this is where I am focussing my efforts from now on.

    Any comments on my journal as it continues will be much appreciated, as it really can help with the resolve sometimes.

    Good luck to all of you, I hope you are taking good care of yourselves.
  2. fullset

    fullset Member

    Great job on making progress so far to day 25. The meditation retreat seems to be working good, I remember another user 'thebeg' went to it as well and had good things to say about it. One quick question though - how old are you?
  3. sila

    sila Guest

    I'm 40. Oof.
  4. fullset

    fullset Member

    Cool, I am going to move your journal to the age category.
  5. sila

    sila Guest

    Ah... carted off to the old folks' home within minutes of arrival.

    I've got all my own teeth you know.
  6. fullset

    fullset Member its not that, we're trying to organize the journals section because its gotten pretty clouded. In 1-2 years, it would be almost unbearable lol.
  7. Backtothefuture

    Backtothefuture NOBODY calls me CHICKEN

    Hey sila, I'm on day 25 too.
    Glad I found some one who ' practise' no pmo at all too.
    And someone who has a girlfriend with who you have regular sex too.
    You talked about dopamine and karezza thats interesting.
    I think the dopamine is the cement which hold the stones P,M and O together.
    Destroy the wall of PMO around you is possible when you remove ALL of the cement.
    Talked about karezza with my girlfriend too, but decided that it would be better and nice to do in the near future, but not now in the reboot. Because it takes a lot a praktise and months to have the art under control. Do one thing at a time is my advice. Karezza is patient.
    But I think that karezza absolutely can deepen your love/sex live at the longer period.
    If you do continu practise karezza during your reboot, if will folow your progress with interest.

    All the best!
  8. sila

    sila Guest

    It's good to be back on here again, to feel some of the solidarity with people doing the same thing.

    Thanks for the comment BttF, some good points there. Yeah I'm not too sure about the karezza either, and....

    Broke the no O plans yesterday with the missus during some crazy good sex and both of us just let go and let fly with the Os, but it was a wonderful thing. Still, the practice of not Oing for the most part has been really magical for us both and I think we'll continue on for some time... sex feels very healthy at the moment, with no trace of former times of often fantasizing when doing it. I'm lucky to not have had PM induced problems with ED in the past, but even so it's noticeable how much quickly and readily I'm bang up for action these last couple of weeks.

    Had a moment of wanting to pull up my old sites this morning when she left for work but came here instead. It feels like it's just habit at this point as when I think about it properly I have very little real desire to pull my pants down and beat off to fake, harmful bullshit in front of a computer screen, I must say.

    Meditation this morning was very strong and I feel set for the day, super clear and warm, and I have an expanded sense of the living world around me and of life's infinite possibilities.

    Time to get shit done.
  9. sila

    sila Guest

    Whew, going to use this as a go to - I'm so close to relapsing now. Despite the positive start to the day it only took a news story to send me off on a quest to see triggering material, but I stopped short, just...
    Am sat here now with a burning feeling of wanting to delve in and spend the morning using porn, but I know what that will bring my way, and how it will affect my sense of self.
    I often used to get to this point and know that it was time to choose, always choosing to say fuck it and getting stuck in to the porn, so it's a great feeling despite the discomfort to know that I can at least sit here and have some space to make a real choice. I know there's only one choice I want to make, which is to kick this habit and rewire my brain properly.
    Even as I type the urges to act out are subsiding a bit and I can feel a sense of control slowly settling. It was close, and it's not over yet, but, to paraphrase Eckhardt Tolle, what's the worst thing that can happen by tolerating these urges? It's not too bad when i consider how I know I'll feel if I give in.
    It's a bumpy ride, but well worth the effort.
    Deep breaths, drink of water, a few push ups...
  10. sila

    sila Guest

    Day 3.

    Well, after the last post I was doing stuff I needed to do, keeping myself mindful and as aware as I could about how I was wanting to relapse and it was a real battle, and one that I lost in the end. Fuck man, it's crazy just how much of a hold this shit has over me. There I was, sitting in front of the computer, well aware of what was going on, watching myself make the decision to break my run of nearly four weeks to use porn again, with all the work I've done to keep it clear these last few weeks. It felt both amazing and exhilarating to be back using it again, and also depressing and anxiety-inducing at the same time. Of course, once it was all over - little more than half an hour - the dread and the heaviness began to settle in, though I decided I wasn't going to get too down about this.

    So the effects were that I felt like I'd sullied something that had been strong and clean and light, and also I noticed my interest in sex with the gf was gone and is only just creeping back in again now.

    I was coasting along a bit before this, feeling that I'd beaten it, and that I didn't actually have that much of a problem, but now, having paced around my house breathing hard and really, truly battling hard with the dual urges to use and to keep strong, to feel and watch myself give in completely and let go to the old habits is a bit of a wake up call. I really am addicted to this behaviour.

    I can't even say that it's taught me a real lesson and now it's onwards and upwards no matter what, because I'm sat here feeling like I could go again, although this time I won't. Again, I have concerns that this site is triggering somehow, just sitting on here and typing about my experiences, as it makes me think about what I could be doing.

    The truth is though, that what I really want to be doing is living life to the full and feeling clear of this part of my life that has become so ingrained in me. I was overpowered and it felt like all of my defences were not strong enough to not go under. I don't want to give in to the feeling of being weak with this as well, of having failed at something, as I think this isn't useful. One thing is fur sure, that the next time I'm in this situation I'm going to listen to that quiet voice that was urging me to get out for a run. If I had thrown on my running shoes and spent 30 minutes running around the park rather than 30 minutes knocking one out I would have felt amazing. It's fairly simple.

    Well, here I am on day 3 again. At least I've only MBOd on 3 occasions in the last ten weeks, that's something.

    I think as soon as I find myself looking up triggering material it's time to do something before I get going.

  11. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    In my opinion, until you become absolutely disgusted and angry to the point where that anger and disgust far outweighs any feeling of amazement and exhilaration, you will continue to battle and have occasional struggles. I think it takes some longer than others. I sincerely hope you soon reach a point where it sickens you. I think you will find that your resolve to truly break free explodes and you will soon heal permanently. Good luck.
  12. sila

    sila Guest

    Thanks for coming by and commenting Dave, it's appreciated. I have reached that point several times in the past, and I know how useful it is in staying off for a while, but right now I've managed to reduce the use to a few instances of relapse in the last couple of months and the disgust I used to feel has dissipated due to, I think, a) the shortness of the session when i have relapsed, b) the relatively large periods of time between relapses and c) the relative lightness of the material I've looked at when relapsing. These factors bring their own danger as I can feel that old familiar sense of 'if I keep it light and occasional, what's the problem?' creeping in. This is not something I want to do, because I know where it leads and also I just don't want porn in my life at all.
    So today I have the usual background hum of possibility of using porn hanging around, but it's not something I'm going to act on.
    Right now I'm attempting to live fully in line with the 5 lay Buddhist precepts - sometimes termed 'sila' - and sexual misconduct is one of the five guides in this. i certainly class anything outside of a loving and healthy sexual relationship with my partner as a form of misconduct, as I know what is right and wrong from how I feel after engaging with it.
    Today is a new day, and it's a bright and sunny one with much to get done.
    I hope you are all well out there, and taking care of yourselves.
    Day 4.
  13. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Hey brother - just letting you know I'm here with you.

    It took me nine months of relapses before I finally got to where I am now. Every one of those relapses was a cleverly-disguised gift, in hindsight. I needed to have them to truly come to grips with the reality of my addiction. I hope you will see your relapses that way some day. In fact, I have little doubt - from reading your words - that such a day is imminent for you.

    I relate very much to so many things you've said - especially about how you can get to that point of 'coasting along' and it seems like everything is going great and then WHAM! It just catches you by surprise, and the next thing you know - you're back on the ride again.
    It is an excellent reminder to me, especially now when I am feeling stronger than ever in my resolve to be finally done with this thing.

    You're not alone man. I hope you know it.
  14. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    You know what you need to do much more than me. I'm a rookie at this reboot thing. I was just trying to add my perspective. I wish you well in your recovery. I'll be stopping by to keep up with your progress.
  15. sila

    sila Guest

    Thanks guys, glad to hear from you, as always.
    There's so much to enjoy in this world that the option to spend hours bringing myself down by using porn and whacking off to pictures of women being used for entertainment is, when I really think about it, one of the least preferred ways to spend my time.
    Once again I find myself feeling like sitting down to write up on this forum does something to keep my mind in the porn game for an often prolonged period each day, whereas the days I haven't been looking on here I've just gone about my business and allowed myself to acknowledge the thoughts I have and then just get on with the day, letting them drift away after the difficult time has passed. So that said I'm going to disappear for a bit and maybe come back a little further on down the line. This forum has been invaluable for me to understand that I'm not alone with this, and to gain insights from great men who are evolving themselves and living in newly found truth.
    I wish you all well and I hope that whichever way you are going about fixing your situation is a successful one, and one that leads you to a greater and more fulfilled relationship with yourself and with life in general.
    Stay strong and bring the good fight to yourselves with compassion and warmth and integrity. I'll be trying to do the same here and will surely be back at some point.
    JDoe, DD, zman and backtothefuture - if you're reading this thanks very much for the support.
    Over and out.
  16. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    All the best. I know you can be victorious.
  17. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    No problem man. Take all the time you need. I know I'll still be here for AT LEAST another 62 do come knock on my door when you're back in town.
    All the best on your journey, brother. I know you are going to beat this thing. It's only the 'when' that isn't decided. ;)
  18. Backtothefuture

    Backtothefuture NOBODY calls me CHICKEN

    Good luck my friend, do things one by one, step by step.
    Thanks for your kind words!

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