K, that'll be enough of that. Time to get my shit together.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Drizzy, May 26, 2012.

  1. Drizzy

    Drizzy Guest

    Hi all.

    I should warn readers, I’m very much the analytical type (both a strength and major weakness), so many of my posts are likely to be long and dry, and are going to detail emotional/mental observations that may not be relevant to most people. I’m also occasionally fond of profanity when I think it adds to the meaning of what I’m fucking saying.

    Anyway, a bit about me: 23yo, just finished undergrad. Have lived the last decade (but especially last 5 yrs) of my life with the works: depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, debilitating compulsive and addictive tendencies, terrible self- image, probably minor bipolarity and generally just feeling like shit on a day-to-day basis when I’m not being stimulated by porn, movies, food. Could be worse, I know. But naturally, these issues have increasingly been getting in the way of my reaping the most of this precious life. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve become self-aware enough to understand and accept that the suffering I’ve been going through is as a result of habits and behaviors, and that these can be changed on the neurological level through persistent and consistent action. And it’s only in the past month that, having finished my stupid engineering degree, I have the bandwidth to start addressing these bloody issues full force.

    I’ve always been a very ambitious guy in various areas, and yet, have taken relatively little action in putting myself out there and really being a go-getter. Through some introspection and analysis of key points in my life, I’ve realized it’s always been my mental health that has held me back in many of these other endeavors; I figure getting my shit in order in this regard will pay dividends in the others. And thus, I’m going to temporarily demote the rest of my ambitions in entrepreneurship, peak physical fitness, career, pick-up to secondary priorities for now, and promote my mental health to #1. I MUST get my brain on my side. And one of the major elements that I’ve concluded (thanks to YBOP—great resource!) is contributing to my laziness, addiction to short-lived stimulation, social anxiety and depression is jacking off ! LOL, who woulda thought!

    Anyway, when I first realized PMO is a keystone habit that’s contributing to the shitty state of existence that is my life, I was somewhat naively optimistic and cocky: ‘Oh, pfft, awesome! This part should be a quick fix. I’m just gonna go ahead and not do that from now on! Oh yeaaa, onto the next issue!’... LOL, this coming attempt will be Round 3, I’m just coming off the biggest binge of my life (PMO’d 11 or so times in last 3 days), and I feel ****ing GROSS. At the moment my emotional circuitry is out of whack, as it always is following a binge, and I’m vacillating between severe self-loathing and general screw-everything kind of apathy. Random things are setting off my anger and feelings of inadequacy: hearing about the great lives of others, hearing about success stories, hearing about pick-up and guys getting great with women, hearing about guys having success in business...ugh. I’ll cool off in a day or two, assuming I won’t relapse (I won’t). I know that this tendency to compare myself to others and conclude that I’m inferior is just another stupid pattern I must fix.
    Onto the tangibles, here’s the game plan I’ve laid out for myself which consists of the Whats and Whys. I have already deleted my stash (oh, how difficult that was).
    1. Maintain this journal with progress updates at least once or twice a week; helps with building consciousness around my destructive tendencies + principle of public accountability + sense of accomplishment over small successes
    2. Contribute to the journey of others on this forum; sense of a community when trying to overcome the same obstacles together is known to be a positive factor when changing addictive behaviour... one of the things that makes AA so successful
    3. Make it difficult to relapse by adding buffers that would require extra effort to bypass: have installed K9 onto my laptop, and am using K9 browser on my iPad (which was the access point for my most recent binge.. it was just so damn easy to surf the web-- damn you, Steve Jobs!)
    4. Social life and getting in front of real women: Another big reason I had relapsed... having just moved back home after 5 yrs, I no longer have friends who live nearby and so I’ve been chillin in my basement this whole time near my laptop. Social interaction is critical for emotional and mental rebalancing; I’ve learned that. And I must teach my brain to get dopamine from interactions with real chicks, not computer screens.
    5. Had been doing some jelquing for a few weeks; gonna cut that out for now. I don’t find it arousing in the PMO-sense, but at least for the next few months I’m just gonna leave homeboi down there alone.
    6. Use the “Rubber band” method i.e., wear one around my wrist and snap it when I get urges; this will build awareness around the triggers that my mind translates to “must see some ass”
    7. To replace the PMO “routine” when I feel the horniness/hunger-for-stimulation “cue”, I will instead: step outside to get fresh air, call up a friend for a chat on skype/phone, go on this forum to read a success story, blast an adrenaline-pumping song or go to the mirror to give myself a pep talk about not being a little bitch. Will experiment as to which of these gets my mind off poon the most.

    My last two rounds, I didn’t get past day 7... each time, things went fine for the first 4...then shit gets real on day 5, 6, and 7 and I relapse. It’s clear this is going to be harder than I gave it credit for—and that my brain is more addicted than I thought it was— so I’m taking a stand here, today on May 26th and I’m pulling out the big guns. **** you, P&M. This is the final Round. Day 1, let’s go.

    -Drizzy.
     
  2. You can do it!
     
  3. Drizzy

    Drizzy Guest

    Damn right ! :) Thanks man.
     
  4. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey there, Drizzy,

    what's up with the anger/dissapointment of life?

    I'm only missing few things.

    1) A measurable goal that could motivate you (or you don't need to track your progress?)
    2)Why do you really want to do this?
     
  5. Drizzy

    Drizzy Guest

    Day 4.

    It's been alright so far, but I can feel the temptations ramping up... Today I'll going on a 2 week long trip overseas to visit fam, which is potentially both good and bad as far as this endeavor is concerned.

    Good because I'll be less tempted to relapse, given that I'll be with family for most of the time and in an unfamiliar setting. Potentially bad because so I don't know what to expect from my body...the longest streak I've pulled off before was 6 days, and by the end my buddy was doubling in size at any sign of a sex-related thought. Specifically scared about the wet dream scenario, how awkward would that be lol, I'll be sharing a room with my pops and maybe others for most of the trip... and what about the possibility of beast-like boners that appear in situations where I can't escape...ugh. My mind used these fears to try and justify a pre-emptive MO strike to avoid these issues, and just start over. I proceeded to tell that part of my mind to stfu, and carried on with my packing. Whatever; I made a commitment that's important to me in the long term, and if it leads to potentially embarrassing scenarios in the short term, then so be it.
     
  6. Drizzy

    Drizzy Guest

    @ Laurynas:

    Valid points, can't hurt to write these out.

    The goal is to give up P permanently, and to abstain from M for at least 3 months. As for why, I will elaborate in later posts to keep myself motivated, but in short it's to rewire the reward pathways in my neurology to bring my mind into a healthier and more optimal state that I may:
    1. cure myself of the fucking ED issues I've encountered in probably half of my sexual encounters in the last 3 yrs
    2. eliminate a factor that's been potentially contributing to my depression, social anxiety and addictive issues
    3. get closer to becoming that 'alpha', go-getter guy I know I can be, rather than indulging in the lazy, complacent, beta behaviors that have come so naturally in the past years

    basically, I want to get more out of the life. and, apparently, this PMO shit is in the way. so I've decided to kick it's ass.
     
  7. Laurynas, in the beggining of my journal, gave me the same advice (i.e. to write reasons to stop PMOing).
    And, like you, I wrote vague anwers.
    Write about much more specific situations. Write your embarassing and frustrating experiences that PMO has brought you, what you want to accomplish specifically from this reboot, etc.

    For example, instead of "get closer to becoming alpha", write "I wanna approach women in a club without fear". Also, an algorithm of what to do when cravings show up is very useful.

    Good luck!
     
  8. Drizzy

    Drizzy Guest

    Day 17. Well, kind of.

    No P and no M for the full 16 days prior. However, I did get laid a few days ago. This would be perfectly fine, as abstaining from sex was never a part of my mission... except that the ED hit and I slipped in a way. It could have been due to a number of factors... little sleep in the days prior, the combined effect of alcohol & green, etc but I think my PMO issues almost surely played a big part. She was definitely good looking enough, but I could get it to maybe 50%, not to max. But here's the really shitty part: after several minutes of frustration on both our parts, and her "what's wrong?... don't you want me? ... just relax..." shit began, I just wanted to get off and be done with it... so, I closed my eyes and began recalling some of my fav porn scenes. And it worked; I blew a load within 2 minutes. Fuck.

    I've experienced virtually NONE of the positive effects of quitting PMO that I have read about. I wouldn't even say that I've experienced the whole 'flatlining' effect, I'm still horny for much of the day and am actively fighting off urges. This has been harder in the last few days since orgasming... the 'chaser' effect and all. Also, the random full-fledged hard-ons I get during car rides are really annoying. As with many of my past endeavors, it seems my efforts are fruitless. I know, it's still early. Whatever, I will persist. I need to stop giving myself such a hard time, and stop being so frustrated with the state of my life. Need to stop taking everything so seriously, and lighten up, have a sense of humor about it all. Ugh, gonna go distract myself and get some shit done.
     
  9. Drizzy

    Drizzy Guest

    Day 18. So. Fucking. Horny. Almost just relapsed after an unexpected sex scene in a movie I was watching. Holy shit Monica Bellucci, I want a younger you as my wife. Cannot wait till I move downtown where actual attractive females reside. Gonna go get shit done, I've been wasting too much time recently. And my procrastination tendencies are directly linked to self-destructive and PMO tendencies. GO GO GO GET THE HELL OFF YOUR LAPTOP NOW
     

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