Hi all. I should warn readers, I’m very much the analytical type (both a strength and major weakness), so many of my posts are likely to be long and dry, and are going to detail emotional/mental observations that may not be relevant to most people. I’m also occasionally fond of profanity when I think it adds to the meaning of what I’m fucking saying. Anyway, a bit about me: 23yo, just finished undergrad. Have lived the last decade (but especially last 5 yrs) of my life with the works: depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, debilitating compulsive and addictive tendencies, terrible self- image, probably minor bipolarity and generally just feeling like shit on a day-to-day basis when I’m not being stimulated by porn, movies, food. Could be worse, I know. But naturally, these issues have increasingly been getting in the way of my reaping the most of this precious life. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve become self-aware enough to understand and accept that the suffering I’ve been going through is as a result of habits and behaviors, and that these can be changed on the neurological level through persistent and consistent action. And it’s only in the past month that, having finished my stupid engineering degree, I have the bandwidth to start addressing these bloody issues full force. I’ve always been a very ambitious guy in various areas, and yet, have taken relatively little action in putting myself out there and really being a go-getter. Through some introspection and analysis of key points in my life, I’ve realized it’s always been my mental health that has held me back in many of these other endeavors; I figure getting my shit in order in this regard will pay dividends in the others. And thus, I’m going to temporarily demote the rest of my ambitions in entrepreneurship, peak physical fitness, career, pick-up to secondary priorities for now, and promote my mental health to #1. I MUST get my brain on my side. And one of the major elements that I’ve concluded (thanks to YBOP—great resource!) is contributing to my laziness, addiction to short-lived stimulation, social anxiety and depression is jacking off ! LOL, who woulda thought! Anyway, when I first realized PMO is a keystone habit that’s contributing to the shitty state of existence that is my life, I was somewhat naively optimistic and cocky: ‘Oh, pfft, awesome! This part should be a quick fix. I’m just gonna go ahead and not do that from now on! Oh yeaaa, onto the next issue!’... LOL, this coming attempt will be Round 3, I’m just coming off the biggest binge of my life (PMO’d 11 or so times in last 3 days), and I feel ****ing GROSS. At the moment my emotional circuitry is out of whack, as it always is following a binge, and I’m vacillating between severe self-loathing and general screw-everything kind of apathy. Random things are setting off my anger and feelings of inadequacy: hearing about the great lives of others, hearing about success stories, hearing about pick-up and guys getting great with women, hearing about guys having success in business...ugh. I’ll cool off in a day or two, assuming I won’t relapse (I won’t). I know that this tendency to compare myself to others and conclude that I’m inferior is just another stupid pattern I must fix. Onto the tangibles, here’s the game plan I’ve laid out for myself which consists of the Whats and Whys. I have already deleted my stash (oh, how difficult that was). 1. Maintain this journal with progress updates at least once or twice a week; helps with building consciousness around my destructive tendencies + principle of public accountability + sense of accomplishment over small successes 2. Contribute to the journey of others on this forum; sense of a community when trying to overcome the same obstacles together is known to be a positive factor when changing addictive behaviour... one of the things that makes AA so successful 3. Make it difficult to relapse by adding buffers that would require extra effort to bypass: have installed K9 onto my laptop, and am using K9 browser on my iPad (which was the access point for my most recent binge.. it was just so damn easy to surf the web-- damn you, Steve Jobs!) 4. Social life and getting in front of real women: Another big reason I had relapsed... having just moved back home after 5 yrs, I no longer have friends who live nearby and so I’ve been chillin in my basement this whole time near my laptop. Social interaction is critical for emotional and mental rebalancing; I’ve learned that. And I must teach my brain to get dopamine from interactions with real chicks, not computer screens. 5. Had been doing some jelquing for a few weeks; gonna cut that out for now. I don’t find it arousing in the PMO-sense, but at least for the next few months I’m just gonna leave homeboi down there alone. 6. Use the “Rubber band” method i.e., wear one around my wrist and snap it when I get urges; this will build awareness around the triggers that my mind translates to “must see some ass” 7. To replace the PMO “routine” when I feel the horniness/hunger-for-stimulation “cue”, I will instead: step outside to get fresh air, call up a friend for a chat on skype/phone, go on this forum to read a success story, blast an adrenaline-pumping song or go to the mirror to give myself a pep talk about not being a little bitch. Will experiment as to which of these gets my mind off poon the most. My last two rounds, I didn’t get past day 7... each time, things went fine for the first 4...then shit gets real on day 5, 6, and 7 and I relapse. It’s clear this is going to be harder than I gave it credit for—and that my brain is more addicted than I thought it was— so I’m taking a stand here, today on May 26th and I’m pulling out the big guns. **** you, P&M. This is the final Round. Day 1, let’s go. -Drizzy.