Just starting

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Former Jackhammer, Dec 17, 2018.

  1. Former Jackhammer

    Former Jackhammer New Member

    Hi All

    So I just found this forum last week and I thought I'd tell my story.

    I started looking at porn as a young man looking at my dads Playboy and Penthouse magazines. As a younger teen in the age of the VHS (80's) I would either rent or buy porn tapes. I went to lengths to hide it from my parents, sneaking out to the livingroom when I was living at home to JO using the VCR. Eventually I got a TV VCR in my room and lived there until my mom, who refused to knock, walked in one jerking off to porn. I moved out that day due to lack of privacy.

    In the mid 90's with the rise of the internet, a woman I was intersted in and had some minor sex with introduced me to AOL Lesbian chat rooms (I was about 27-28 at the time). OH MY GOD - this exploded on me like it was crack. Shortly thereafter I met my now wife, but never gave up the chat rooms. I loved it, the interactivity, every encounter was a litttle diffferent. Even when me and the wife to be were living together in a studio apartment in the late 90's I was still engaging in cyber porn in the chat rooms. I would wait until she was a sleep and get up and jerk off to the chat rooms. I quickly "learned" that to get any "action" in the chat rooms you had to be a "girl" so the other "girls" would chat with you. Of course, EVERYONE knows that its almost all males in those room. Back then, however, this was not too much of a problem for our sex life - I was young and was very lucky in that I was multi-orgasmic even though I was a man. I could easily fuck 5-6 times a day with no perfomance drop. My wife was aware of my habits, but even though she didn't like it, I made it clear the my JO activities were not her concern or business. Luckily for me she decided it wasnt worth it and looked the other way - Hell I was fuckign her regularly and the sex was good, so she didnt care that much that I jerked off a lot on top of it.

    Fast forward to the mid 2000's, we are now married with kids and its my early 40's. I have been using chat room porn for about 10-12 years non-stop. I'm still young, and my dick is still working like a champ. I can fuck 2-3 times a session still, though not quite as good as before, still I am doing well sexually. However the wife never lost the baby weight and I'm unsatisfied with ehr sexually. Kids drain the sex life out of my wife pretty well and hey, I still have this super cock, and I wanna use it. I start going to Pro's and the internet stuff is still non-stop. I do it in my office. I do it at home. There are definite work related performance issues - but the company I work for is so inept they never catch me or notice that Im skimming by. In fact, I am bumped up and afforded an offce that makes it even easier for me to do my on line "business" without ever getting caught. I know a few co-workers suspected me of crusing porn and jerking off in my office - I mean how can you be constantly jerking off without anyone noticing - but no one said anyting, even after the office got a few devisating computer viruses no doubt from my on line activities. Oh - I forgot to mention how the chat rooms have morphed - even though IRL I am about a straight as they come, I am now a "girl" on line. And it has morphed from straight "cyber sex" to things like cyber erotic wrestling - cyber erotic boxing and cyber sexfighting. I have even played a shemale on line and I have even fucked "male" characters as a girl.

    After a few bouts with the Pro's my wife catches me. I guess the risky behavior got too obvious. Couples thereapy ensues. Thankfully, the wife and I patch it up. The cyber activities are discussed, but quickly dropped. Even though I cut out the pay to play activity, the cyber activity continues and even increases. The wife, sadly had become enormous in term of her weight and a few other issues, so she is not very physically attractive to me, but I love her, and our marriage seems to be fine. However, the Cyber activity continues and gets out of hand.

    Fast forward to close to persent day. I am now jerking off every day in the office, at home. Basically, I jerk off in the shower in the morig, when I get to the office and then at night if I can at home... 2-3 times a day at a minimum. A few years ago, the company I was working for dies and I am out of work for a while until I start my own business from home. You would thing that the pressure of having to make a living for myself would crimp the jerk off amd on line porn time - but no. In fact, it hast the opposite effect. I start working out of the hous.e I am jerking off for HOURS at a time. 2-3-4-5 hours a day in a row. I quickly decide I need an office, so I rent a space. Again you would think tthat this would crimp my JO issues. WRONG. I jerk off in the ofice ALL DAY LONG. Last week, pne day I was jerking off for 6 HOURS STRAIGHT. Its really negatively effecting my work and livbelyhood. I mean I work for myself. I can not afford 5-6 hours a day not working in the micddle of the day when I should be making a living!

    And the worst thing - I can hardly get an erection anymore. Whehn I jerk off its not that hard, and even feels slightly painful. My wife - poor thing - I have not touched her in months. Over the last year or 2, if we do fuck I cum immediatly upon insertion. I can hardly get it up with her. I know she is trying, but I feel like Im impotent with her. I have tried Viagra. That worked ok, but the window would sometimnes close before we could have sex. I am now on Ciallis, but the erection is still not that great and it does not help with the PE issues. Sex is not longer enjoyable becase I can n0t get it up enought to get it inside her and the second I do I fire off my load. Even worse, I am now in my early 50's. Guess what - my legendary cock - GONE! One shot and Im DONE. So whats the point of sex if neither of us enjoy it. Worse. the head of my penis seems to have lost much of the sensitivity, so even if I do manage to get it up, I hardly feel anything. Also there are the post ciallis headaches. Not fun.

    I am miserable. I can seemingly only get a hard-on thinking about one naked woman knocking out another in a boxing ring or pinning anouther in a wrestling match. My wife DEFINITELY will not do any of that stuff.

    Well, I am going to try and stop. the last tiem I jerked off was last Friday (3 days ago) and I am going to try and leave the chat rooms. Its been 4 days since my last trip there.

    Wish me luck.
     
  2. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Hi Jackhammer. Welcome!

    Your story is not unusual - at least for here, and, I think, much more broadly. Read some of the other diaries. You'll see that others have been where you were and are now where you'd like to be. I find that inspirational, which, often, is just what I need to fight through the day.

    I myself was here 4 years ago and it really helped me then. The only thing is that it seemed so much more active here 4 years ago. I think the other subfora here are pretty active, but, for some reason, the 40+ is not right now.

    Anyway, I'll be here pulling for your recovery.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  3. Former Jackhammer

    Former Jackhammer New Member

    Thanks Doofus. I really want to get my "mojo" back. And I want to be rid of this addiction. It was kid of scary the other day as I was doin git, I was in almost a stupor - almost like I was in a trance.... I really thought there that "this must be like what a drug addict goes thru."

    Any other resources you all out there can tell me aobut would be appreciated.
     
  4. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Former Jackhammer,

    Welcome, great name. I think that I can see myself in your story, even though there are significant differences. That is important, no matter how our journey to this place varies compared to another we should seek to identify.

    Below is a link to a thread on another part of the board. Many on here would say that it is essential reading.

    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
     
    Doofus likes this.
  5. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Maybe I read that thread in my previous reboot, but if so, I'd forgotten. Just what I needed to read. Thanks for posting it, Grey Heron.
     
  6. Former Jackhammer

    Former Jackhammer New Member

    Heron. Thank you. That really made sense to me. I have been reading it a few times and have started my new life plan.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.

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