Just starting sort of

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Endeavour, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    I also just realised that I have a huge amount of pride about my recovery and participation here. In my previous incarnation here I loved it that I was a long duration abstainer and I hate being the weak loser who has fallen into a hole and needs help. I think that I shoukd be able to fo it by myself and if I am brutally honest a part of me sees being here as a sign of self-indulgence and failure. Forgive me that arrogance.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think that whatever motivates you is fine. I'm sure you don't think that others here are losers because they struggle and so neither are you.

    Be more active on the forum and on your journal, my friend. We all need each other. From the successful journals I've read, and my own experience, it's unlikely anyone is going to beat this demon themselves. I draw strength from almost everyone here, even the guys who don't seem to have a ton of success. No man is an Island kind of thing.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    It
    It has been more than a month since Savile pisted his reply for which thank you and since then I have hit rock bottom. Honestly feels worse than I have ever felt. I really truly want myself back. I love my kids and my wife and I want to be able to love mtself again.
     
  4. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    I have been thinking back to the time when I relapsed. About 18 months ago and a couple of months after my long time therapist passed away. The death hit me hard but I didn't want to admit it. I tokd myself that it didn't matter butI suspect that I reacted to it like another abandonment. There is a part of me though that hates this soft , sensitive person. His attitude is life is tough , you have it easy so shut the fuck up. He is also predominantly the guy who likes to ' fuck' women as his statement of who he is. At the same time there is a liitle boy in there who desperately wants someone to love him , who is very scared and wants to be protected and taken care of.I have never truly come to terms with rither of them and I have used PMO and sex as a way of avoiding that dngagenent. I now feel at an all time low. 7 days ago was my ladt acting out with a prostitute and I am engulfed in all the shame and guilt. The truth is though that ugly as it is that is a part of who I am and I made every one of those choices invluding the one 7 days ago. I have decided to take some pisitive action and am starting by finding myself a new therapust. A big thing is also being prepared to forgive myself for relapsing. I am finding that really hard. Somewhere deep inside I feel that I deserve to feel bad.The anger at myself for relapsing is keeping me stuck in the cycle. I can't wish it away though. It is either real or it's not. Sine I came back the best I did was to get to 42 days. So starting again.
     
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Posi-vibes to you, for now, Bro. That's all I can manage in this moment.

    Peace.
     
  6. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

     
  7. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    I had one of those nights. Not sleeping very well and feeling a bit anxious but something came to
    Me this morning that everything was going to be alright. That I coukd really change and that in my heart of hearts I am ok. Not a hero , not a superstar but ok. A guy who tries to do the right thing , a guy with all the faults that we all have to one extent or another but basically ok. I am
    Really grateful to have had that feeling and I pray that I can hold onto it.
     
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  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're more than just OK. Stay off the P and anything else that fuels the addiction. Recovery is us being actively involved. You have had an awesome feeling today. Not only hold onto it, but run with it. I believe in you.
     
  9. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

     
  10. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Thanks Savile ,

    Have a hit the wall hard but perhaps only that was going to be enough to shock me into action. It is to be day by day until I recover my love and respect for myself.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  11. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Today was hard and I frlt shaky and unsure of who I was in the midst of it all. Oddly however a situation arose that I would normally find quite anxiety provoking and I worked fully consciously through it. I think our own fears are often much worse than reality and we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be.
     
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    True. And because recovery is not linear we tend to have a variety of both positive and negative experiences, throughout.
     
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Go Endeavour, Reading your last few posts it seems that you are doing well to suck air, but you are doing that. Some of what you have written has challenged me and I will be checking back to see what else there is we can support the other through.
     
  14. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Thanks GH in my past life I remember you and posted on your pages. Was reading through my old posts and see that my struggle today is the same as it was then. Many complicated emotional issues around abandonment , pain , loneliness and that hb PMO was just a symptom. I feelno compuldion to PMO but do still use sex as a srlf medication. Struggling a lot right now with anxiety and a strong utge to get rid of the discomfort. For me that's the challenge. Sticking with the feeling and not being bullied by it. Not being conned by it either. It is just a feeling snd it will pass.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    "It will pass" is a truth that has helped me considerably.
     
  16. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    I feel your pain Endeavour. Shame is one of the main things that keeps us rooted in this addiction. It's something I struggle with too, as do many others here, no doubt. Are you currently doing anything to address these feelings?

    This blog post has some useful advice on dealing with shame

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-steps-to-move-through-shame-fear-and-regret/

    For instance, the very first point talks about grounding ourselves in the present and accepting our reality - it states, "Until you fully accept where you are, you can’t move forward". As hard as it may be how about putting some time into soul searching and working through some of the ideas presented in this blog?
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  17. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    I am back. Pain has brought me back and I sincerely hope that it will prove valuable. I have messed around since March this year and as is apparent from my presence now I obviously didn't feel so bad then that I couldn't get over it , indulge in my behaviours and press on till I hit another wall which I just did yesterday. I have to accept this situation which for some considerable time has persisted. That is me feeling resentful about the fact that I am still trapped after I stayed clean for so long. I am still PMO free and that on the positive side is an encouragement but my use of escorts and massage parlors is right back there. I stopped that around 2009 and then started again about 2 years ago and I have been doing it more and more. Since the 42 day period I had earlier this year I have not managed more than 10 days at best. I have no illusions that the PMO use is never far away as the same was true for escorts. I thought it was all in the past , that I was over it for good , that I had also stopped PMO and then one day through a mixture of cockiness , complacency and naivete I walked by choice straight back into it.

    I have re-committed to ending these behaviours permanently. There is no alternative to that ; none whatsoever. I am back in the saddle and the plan is to stay here till my last day on this earth. Sounds fanciful perhaps and a bit grandiose but I think that I must make it plain to myself that there can be no ambivalence about my decision.
     
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I never used escorts, but along with PMO I was seriously addicted to sexting with all manner of people over the internet and sometimes my phone. I cheated twice on my wife, too, and would have done more of that except I had ED and also got caught. I guess that's what you call a perfect storm. lol Anyway, it was tough to get away from the sexting, because nothing made me hard like pretend sex. ha ha A bit of sexting followed by a PMO session was my perfect evening. :oops: At first I had a lot of shame, but then it became no big deal. Like with all sex addictions we become numb to real life around us. It's all chemical. That's what drives the train. I know you know this.

    For me, knowing that if I beat the chemical side of it I might stand a chance at a normal life was very motivating. Stay busy doing all the stuff you've let fall by the wayside. White knuckle through the tough times - there will be many. Cold showers, walks, etc. You know the drill.

    I'm rewriting your last sentence - I hope you don't mind. "I'm back in the saddle and I'm going to stay here! I've made it plain. I've decided."

    Looking forward to sharing your journey, Endeavour.
     
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  19. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    I am new here but I think you have made a solid decision. May I explain, I stopped pmo on 8- 26 - 16 and lasted 26 days before relapsing. Shit got crazy in life and I didn't feel apparently that the pmo cessation was important enough to act upon. Comes 8-26-17 and I say fuck this I need to stop. The same day one year later, was apparently on my mind back in there somewhere even though I didn't know it. The same day, didn't realize it until a few days later. What I am saying is you may want to think about how your inner self is a lot stronger than you think ! No advice, I have none to give just a few random thoughts that have served me in life and may be of service to you. For what it's worth, I am standing next to you DEFIANT AS HELL TO THIS ADDICTION !...........
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  20. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Thanks Bobo. I appreciate the support. Having a bit of a tough time of it and afraid I suppose that I might fail. A lot of regret , wishful thinking and self-pity floating around. I guess better that I frankly acknowledge it. On the upside I guess that hitting the wall and feeling so bad gives me the opportunity to stop deluding myself and get on with the business of recovery.
     
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