Just starting sort of

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Endeavour, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member


    This is my first post. I have a long and mixed history of sexual compulsions and I have resolved to put them behind me for ever. I had a big problem with PMO for about 10 years but 3 years ago I stopped by myself and have been clean since. Before the PMO I had a problem with casual sex - massage parlors , strip clubs , escorts and that I stopped almost 4 years ago with the help of a therapist. Earlier this year I suffered a bereavement and had a few other difficult issues around my family and in July of this year I found myself partly out of complacency and part out of building anxiety almost sleepwalking into a massage joint. Since then I have started to dip my toes back into that pool but a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was fooling myself into going down the same slippery slope with all the old familiar feelings of shame , self hatred and guilt. So I resolved to end this for good about 14 days ago and I am here for help and support. Although I am not viewing porn and haven't done so for over 3 years I have seen that the compulsions are the same in any kind of addiction and once you have been in that space you are always at some risk of slipping back there. So my goal is to end my use of inappropriate sexual activities for ever. Welcome any support I can get.
  2. yoda428

    yoda428 New Member


    Consider your recovery one great big step in the right direction for coming here and sharing your story. These things are so tough and even at our strongest conviction we find ourselves being pulled.

    Be proud of yourself for reaching out...it takes courage...you are courageous. Be good to yourself and forgiving of your actions...everyone is always doing the best they can at any moment.

    There are loving, caring people here to support you. Rest in the fact you are not alone. Welcome to this community of empathetic souls...you are one with us.
  3. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    thanks yoda
    I appreciate the support and advice. it has been a surprise to me that the beast has roared back into life so aggressively . Having gone such a long time without PMO or any other compulsion when I drifted into it I thought that I could just step out whenever I wanted ; that it would not be too difficult as I had gone so long before but I was wrong. if you choose to feed your beast all parts of it seem to awaken with the same force. over the last few days I have realised that all of my past compulsions are always close no matter how long away from them I have been. there is no denying the fact that once an addict always an addict ; it is a sobering thought and can be depressing if you get into self-pity but accepting that fact seems to me to be the cornerstone of recovery and associated with it an absolute acceptance that there will never be another occurrence no matter what. i got suckered into my relapse in part from a complacent attitude and also a very insidious whispering in my ear that life is short so enjoy yourself while you can. it is true life is short and all the more reason not to spend one's precious time feeling ashamed , guilty , anxious and depressed because of a habit that is inevitably self-defeating.
  4. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    tough day . family things causing me to look back at my behaviour over many years . bad choices and behaviour that makes me feel ashamed and not worthy of the love that I am given. i am seeking forgiveness from all of those whom I have hurt directly and indirectly. my biggest challenge is to forgive myself but the driver for that is to start to live a life that I don't need to feel shame about so each day that I maintain my commitment is another day closer to regaining my self respect. somehow the last weeks and months where I have so obviously lived in denial have shattered the delusion and made me see the painful truth about my life as I have lived much of it. it looks like a long road but I can no longer be that person and I seek and pray for real meaningful change . thanks for listening.
  5. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    blew it and need to reset my counter but don't know how. can anyone help please. a mounting wave of anxiety about personal and financial issues , worry , blah ,blah and I ran off to my comfort of choice. trying to remember how I broke free before. it seemed not easy bur somehow I did it and kept it up for 3+ years and now I can't manage 30 days. i think that I have to give up my view of myself as having achieved this before and face the reality of where I am today. i know that it must count for something but I don't think it does. lot of anxiety floating around which I have not experienced in a long time.

    a lot of people have viewed my posts but only one has posted ; is that because I am not battling a porn addiction currently. myself I think that the drivers are all the same but am I in the wrong place ?
  6. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    managed the reset. feeling pretty shit , sad and anxious but I am determined to get back on this horse and get to the finish. i have done it before and I can do it again.
  7. You're relaying again on your old bad decissions because you (even with a +3 years of freedom streak) still don't know how to cope with some feelings. Try to learn what's happening inside you and how to think/feel different.

    I hope I don't PMO ever again (for many reasons), but even if I relapse some day because I feel bad, sad, anxious or whatever, what I've been doing for the last two years has changed my life forever. Last year I relapsed after more than 5 months of strict sobriety (no P, no M and no O) but even when I relapsed I knew I was going sooner or later to go back, because I'm not the same person that used to watch P for hours and M day in, day out.
  8. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    i have started to work with a therapist and it is interesting and challenging work. i have seen that the addictive behaviour flows from an inability to deal with difficult emotions. there is not nearly enough rational adult thinking and a predominance of critical parent and demanding child. this results in either putting myself down , negative thoughts , not good enough etc or angry demanding child wanting instant gratification and an outlet for anger. have kept clean for almost 30 days and am finding it a challenge .. am determined to stay the course.
  9. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Welcome back as I see you have not posted for a time, you are always welcome. Some days I get fed up reading how others are struggling with their own issues and think I did not come here to read about that. Well in my case that is my problem, we are all here seeking a new life with the same basic character flaw and sometimes I for one do not see that. There have been times when YBOP has been my home online.

    Take care and may we fly together on the journey to freedom.
  10. A Streetcar

    A Streetcar New Member

    Hello Endeavour, hope you keep coming back. I found that thinking I was okay only worked for a limited time and that I really need to keep touching base back here in order to stay the course. Best of luck to you.
  11. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    i can't believe that I last posted in June. lot of shit has gone on since then. I managed to get to 42 days and then slept walked into it again. since then it has been up and down. 16 days after that till last week and right now I am feeling pretty low and am 2 days in. I think that whilst it helps to remember what I did before I also need to forget it and accept the present reality which is that I am struggling even to start never mind get to 90 days and beyond. thank you streetcar you are right. it really needs persistence and ignoring all the reasons that you don't need or want to post.
  12. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    I am posting today with a certain vigour as I am feeling lonely and a bit anxious which is not a good combination for me. I don't fear doing PMO but I do fear the chatter in my head and the anxious feelings. I know that I should not give i to fear but better to distract myself for now and maybe my posting will both help me and hopefully others.
  13. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    Do you have, or are you looking for a wife/partner?
  14. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    yes i am.
  15. Zippy

    Zippy Member

    Good, because I have one to get rid of (half joking). Seriously though, if you can quit the massage parlours I'd expect you to have more energy to focus on that goal.
  16. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    LOL. i believe that I can . watch this space.
    Zippy likes this.
  17. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Difficult day. A domestic incident that I blew out of all proportion which is not uncommon. Obsessive and catastrophic thinking ensued and quite shortly thereafter a pressing desire to act out. Anger and upset in almost equal proportions. I realised that acting out would do nothing to assist with the core problem and that in fact it would only make me feel worse. I need to deal with this as an adult not a child and will that will require strength and courage. i have been telling myself to treat this as an opportunity to test my resolve and commitment to change.
  18. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Welcome back and thanks for stopping by my journal. Best of luck in your journey.
  19. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    How are things going for you?

    Keep fighting the good fight, you can win!


  20. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Well not good. Somewhere along the way I decided that acting out was ok and justified it by all sorts of bullshit. Ended up in the same mess , feeling shame , pain , self -loathing which all just fuel the cycle. I think part ov my problem is being unable to accept and handle the reality that I have relapsed big time after a very long period of sbstinence. I resent what I see as my failure and I resent the favt that I am an addict. It is very hsrd for me to accept that.

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