Just Recollecting My Thoughts

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TheYoungOne, Oct 1, 2020.

  1. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Here goes nothing. I've been living in an environment with toxic parents. To be honest, I'm a little bit confused as to whether they are toxic. But I guess they are toxic if I feel extreme stress, headache, anxiety, nervousness whenever I'm with them. So here's what I think. Because I've been feeling bad whenever I'm with them, I use porn as an escape. In that temporary moment, I get to feel good, I feel focused and present, I don't worry about my parents. Anyway that's my theory for one of the reasons why I watch porn. Another one is because I'm horny and I don't have an outlet lol. I'm 23 for crying out loud and I had 2 girlfriends only in high school. Lol I long for female companionship. But that's natural.

    Everything's under control when my parents are happy. I don't feel worried, anxious, nervous. I can focus on growing myself. But when things get bad and my parents (especially my dad) get unhappy, I'm in panic mode. What a way to live. I mean making my decisions on whether my parents are going to be happy or not.

    So these days, I'm operating/managing a business. It was my dad's idea to start the business. There were many underlying reasons why I said yes, but one of them was because I didn't want to upset him. But turns out I underestimated what this endeavor would require of me. I'm stressed all day. I haven't got a proper rest for the last 3 months. I can't go meet my friends and hang out. Because of the coronavirus, people don't come out to eat a lot and because the revenue is so low compared to the expenses, my dad is going at it at me about why I'm managing the business so terribly. To be honest, I've done everything to the best of my ability up to the last three months. But I don't think I'm just cut out for sales and marketing. Every fiber of my being resists the act of doing it and even the thought of doing it. But my dad doesn't see it that way. He says for me to give up the business in a month and do something else. I'm really looking forward to that day honestly because the last three months were hell on fast forward mode. There are people that's cut out for entrepreneurship and business. And there are people who are not. The people that are cut out for it can overcome their lack of experience through perseverance and passion but the people that aren't just can't. Looking at myself, I fall into the people that just aren't cut out for it.

    I just want to be away from this toxic environment.

    To do that, I need to be thoughtful.

    That's it for today. I'm tired and I need to get ready for another day of hell. More like drudge through the day.
     
  2. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Being thoughtful is hard. My parents have been providing me with all the necessities that will make me comfortable. That let's me tolerate the anxiety ridden environment that I live in. However, I gotta acknowledge the fact that this place is an environment built on fragile foundation and that it can collapse at any moment.

    In order for me to create my own comfortable environment built on solid foundation, I need money and ways to generate that money. I promise myself that I will learn Rule One Investing in 5 years and have enough money to live on my own.

    I will not use escapism to overcome my stress and anxiety. I will let the promise of a better future pull me out of my current hardship.

    Time for me to read the 10-K report of Lululemon athletica.
     
  3. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Oh today was a shit show.

    in the morning, my dad goes on about how he’s increased his blog ad payment. That’s fine and all but why does he gotta make me feel bad that I didn’t start a blog? No one has to do the same thing...

    then, during noon my parents come to work and half force me to give free samples to total complete strangers walking outside. Fucking m, I’m introverted and I get no’s a lot. I just feel so terrible and I begin to resent my parents.

    then, after that I blank out for a bit because I’m exhausted mentally from forcing myself to talk to strangers. I feel bad about myself and the situation I’m in and talk to my friends about it.

    it was in that moment that I decided I can’t go through this alone anymore. I signed up for a therapy session. It’s more expensive than I imagined. It’s next week so that’s disappointing.

    afternoon, my parents came to the salad shop and we had dinner there. I was supposed to get off work at 7 but they forced me to work longer in hopes of getting more customers. Which I did get more customers.

    i got grumpy as hell teaching my mom how to make stuff and clean things up. I just can’t help it. All the shit that they’re forcing me through and they expect me to be okay with it??? That’s just fucking hilarious and absurd. Fuck them.

    Wait till I get out of this shitty environment.
     
  4. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    It's been a while since I updated. I just feel like I need to get my thoughts down.

    I've had a huge brain fog for the past couple of months. Maybe because of the intensely stressful situation that I'm in. Plus PMO session every here and now probably added to the fire. It's just not a good feeling. I don't feel in control and I feel doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past. However, that is not true.

    So, I've adopted the breathing exercise that my therapist recommended. I do them in the morning and evening every hour when I can. It helps with the anxiety and over thinking that I constantly do. Helps my stress level decrease a bit. Helps me be more present. All these effects I don't feel at the moment, but afterwards it comes.

    And my body is super tight. So I'm massaging myself with the massage ball and getting personal training.

    Rather than avoid the situation that I'm in by escaping whether through YouTube shorts, porn, games, TV shows, or movies I need to accept where I am in my life and take personal responsibility to get me where I want to go. Only working on myself (and thinking for myself) will get me where I want to go (not procrastinating, escaping, and blaming).
     
  5. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Ok mate I think I can relate to some points of your life/experience you are sharing.

    getting out of your comfort zone is great. Pushing and working hard is fantastic. External force is needed at times (dad pushing for more from you) and ofc internal drive is very important. But if you do too much at once you’ll burn out and shut down or get discouraged.

    find a balance between tasks your comfortable with and ones you aren’t. Also focus on the sales you convert not the ones you don’t. Life is full of rejection take this as a positive and basically one you can apply to dating. When you start dating again girls will say no or not be interested and you can’t internalize it. So this is a good experience for you.

    I was forced into business ownership at 25 from my parents as well. I was promised support and that support vanished quick and the exit/strategy for the venture all changed and they didn’t follow through on their End. Business is messy with family 9.5/10x I swear.

    I hated the business. Was suppose to be 6-12 month flip project and mend into family business. Didn’t go how they planned.

    I am cut out for entrepreneurship to a certain extent as I studied business in school and have that within me. But I do not have a passion for the business industry or service I am providing. And the business is small so I have to be in the trenches too. So I get that lack of motivation to engage with customers and make sales to do a job I don’t even enjoy doing. Sales are also hard to make as its a mature industry, and even tougher with covid tight budgets. It’s very tough with covid I’ve lost 15-20% of my customer base so I understand the business stress. It’s not the exact same but it’s similiar. I’d come home in tears and PMO the pain away for my first 1-2 years. I’d work and Pmo and order dominos. Was very toxic.

    what saved me at that time was my personal trainer changed the way I approached my gym routine changed it completely and it excites me and motivated me for in great shape, dopamine release from hockey as well and I started painting. I invested all my time outside of work doing things I enjoyed doing.
    It helped with resentment and my own mental health.

    it didn’t fully help with my pmo tho.


    Counselling and opening up about it to a partner I was interested in those are the two biggest factors that have led me to my 9 months P free. Also learning kickboxing that was huge for my physical health and helping quit porn.

    don’t resent your parents. I’m sure they do a lot for you and want what’s best for you. Being a parent is hard.

    What you need to do is open up to them about how you feel. You may be in over your head, out of your comfort zone and trying your best. Too much opportunity available for someone not prepared is not a formula for success either. Your parents aren’t perfect and you need to tell them what your experiencing rn.

    Make them aware you are having mental health issues and are seeking support.

    you don’t have to tell them about your escapism and porn but I think at least try and tell them how you are feeling.

    Don’t make yourself the victim either. I did that at some point and it doesn’t help.

    good luck mate I’m tired and hope I wasn’t too rambly’
     
  6. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    @R3balance Thanks for your reply! It feels a bit better knowing that I'm not the only one out there going through a situation like this.

    I've hired and trained a manager to do the work that I've been doing. Now I've rested at my house for exactly a week. It's refreshing physically to not have to work hard almost 12 hours a day. But to cope with the ever present anxiety and/or habit + dopamine addiction, I'm PMOing almost daily now.

    Some triggers for my anxiety include:
    - looking at the line of people waiting to get their orders impatiently
    - not seeing enough sales for the day
    - hearing dad argue with mom about work and employee related things

    Those are the big stuff. Rest of the stuff are menial and I can handle through logic. Once those triggers above appear, my logic loses power. I can't function properly.

    The worry that comes from my parents arguing is this:
    - dad will hit mom and hurt her (which has happened before) -> which will lead to divorce or death -> Uncertain future
    - mom will be so emotionally worn down -> which will lead to divorce or death -> uncertain future

    And to take that one step further:
    - because they aren't economically or mentally stable, my parents won't be able to fund my university.

    I've had to postpone my college experience 3+ years because of military service and covid-19. I've been looking forward to that experience ever since I was 12 years old. I don't want to have to postpone anymore.
     
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey man its been a while. Just stay in there. You can do this. I had a relapse after a decent streak. But I am going to keep trying you should keep trying too.
     
  8. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    @TrueFighter Hey it's been too long! It's good to hear that you had a decent streak. It's sad to read that your account is pending deletion. If you do end up deleting it, I hope things work out well for you.

    D+2 (Streak)

    I think in order to live well I need to know myself well and learn how to live in this world. And my 20s are my time to figure that out.

    So here are some things about me I'm writing down so I don't forget:

    -empathetic (so much so that moods of others and environment/situation affect me tremendously)
    -very tight muscles that need to be stretched
    -introverted (have a lot of internal dialogue)
    -don't drink water a lot
    -eyes get dry in the evening from lasek surgery
    -heavy anxiety
    -really bad case of eczema
    -unorganized

    And I'm going to add solutions for myself for how to best live in this world.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2021
  9. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Just had a severe relapse yesterday. I was bored and horny. Never a good combo. I PMO'd 3 times in a day. A new record for me lol. Then I found out a new TV series called Jane the Virgin and I'm hooked. I spent all day watching it yesterday and today. Because I slept at 3am binge watching Jane the Virgin, my head hurts a lot.

    I'm starting a 7-week Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program. Having a CBT therapist through Betterhelp was beneficial for me. However, I don't have enough of an income to spend more on therapy session. So I'm doing a self-directed program with the help of a book. I hope it all goes well.

    ---

    [Workbook notes]

    "Think of a recent situation where you felt a strong emotion, perhaps anxiety or sadness. Briefly describe the situation in the space below."

    I felt a huge sense of sadness, emptiness, worry, and feeling sorry for the manager now that I'm not going out to work anymore. She's working her butt off while I'm at home vegging in front of the TV.

    What I felt:
    -sadness
    -emptiness
    -worry
    -feeling sorry

    What I thought:
    -she (the manager) must be having a hard time
    -I'm wasting time just staying at home
    -the business might be crumbling without me

    What I did:
    -I PMO'd to numb myself
    -I binge watched Netflix all day to forget about my worries
    -I stayed home all day and took a nap
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2021
  10. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    D+2

    This morning I took a quick walk around the block. There were thousand voices in my head telling me stories why I shouldn't go. However, I knew that they were just noise. So I ignored everything in my head and walked around the block.

    Went to the gym early in the morning. Got Glastone massage. Normally I just leave afterwards. But I stayed. Once again ignoring all the noise inside my head.

    Today was a decent day, but I feel numb.

    Gotta keep on doing the CBT program.

    ---

    [Workbook notes]

    "Describe a time when you tried to make a specific change in your life."

    Change I wanted to make: I wanted to work out consistently
    I wanted to learn how to analyze businesses and invest in stocks

    1) What went well: workout - I paid for personal trainer
    learning to analyze businesses - Paid for books

    2)What didn't go well: workout - Didn't actually do the work out
    learning to analyze businesses - didn't try analyzing businesses on my own

    3) Obstacles I ran into: Employees quit without notice so I had to fix that mess
     
  11. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    D+0

    Damn I don't know. I wasn't able to get up in the morning. Then I PMO'd. I just can't seem to focus on a single book. I can't get any work done. I keep regressing to binge watching Netflix shows and ordering fast food and playing games. It takes so much energy to get myself to do normal tasks. I barely even brush my teeth. I knew this is no way for a person to live his life. So I signed up for Betterhelp, and I'm waiting to be matched to a therapist. Plus I got myself to keep going through the CBT program/book.

    After going through the book's checklist, I learned that I have severe depression with anxious distress. So I'm also thinking about getting myself a pill to help me work through this. If I get better with depression then maybe it'll be easier to quit PMO as well. Anyway there's more, but that's it for today.
     
  12. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Good that you take action, would be interesting to hear your thoughts on therapy once you have had some time to evaluate it. Hope the best for you.
     
    TheYoungOne likes this.
  13. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    D+3

    I went to a psychiatrist, got "tested" for severe depression, and got 1-week's worth of anti-depression pills. I'm sort of scared to take these pills. I don't know what will happen to me. But what could go wrong? So I took my first pill tonight.

    Also I had to fire someone because we need people to be quick and independent when working, but even after almost a month of working she was slow, she made several costly mistakes that damaged our reputation, she carelessly used up all the perishable items, she burnt meals, plus she was bad for the others working with her. When I fired her, she took it better than expected. So I thought it was a relief. But a few hours later, a call comes to me from an angry guy who supposedly ran a restaurant for 5-7 years and you just don't fire someone just because she's slow. I was trying to explain all the other components that factored into the decision, but he wouldn't hear it. Plus I was afraid, shaking, and nervous from that guy yelling at me calling me names that I just let him ramble on and on and quickly ended the call. I felt so horrible afterwards. Not because of firing her. But because of what had happened to me.

    Anyway, got back home after dinner with my parents. I happened on some nude photos while browsing the internet. But I felt nothing. Still nothing while writing about this. Normally there's a thought that starts to build up whenever a nude is seen. Then it inevitably led to PMO that day. But I don't know. I don't feel anything, and I just feel numb and down and depressed still.

    Therapist hasn't contacted me in 2days. I set up the schedule for a live session but I was hoping for a live weekly session as well as being available to constantly message. Maybe that's too big of an ask. I don't know.

    Gotta return to the book. This week, I'm describing the goals for the treatment and I'm not a big fan of it. Too much thinking.
     
  14. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    D+6

    Maybe the pills are kicking in. I feel better. Well, the noise inside my head is quiet and I feel less resistant to doing things. The biggest thing it's helping is with PMO. I have absolutely no urge to do that whatsoever. At first, I was worried if something was wrong. Maybe the pills are hindering my sex drive. But no. Seeing how I got wood some time during the day made me realize that it's just the natural healing process from being addicted to PMO.

    One thing that is a bit annoying is constant yawning. I'm not tired but every few minutes I would yawn. But unlike before the pill, now when I yawn, I get this weird sensation in my body. Might just be unusual side effect, but still going to have to let the doctor know.

    First live-session with therapist is happening in a couple of hours. I'm nervous. I don't know what to expect.

    I've been binge watching Jane the Virgin nonstop the past couple of days and I don't feel that bad about myself. I'm enjoying it and the days are passing by quickly.

    I really have to start with the book again, but I can't seem to get started on the goal part (which is the beginning). Hopefully, therapist session will help.
     

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