Here I am. Busy at the moment, so in lieu of my intro: https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/last-chance.118405/ . Looking forward to the future .
Oh, and...I wanted to join this section with a clean streak...managed to do that. So at least that's good.
As seen on the other thread, I love myself some good ol', motivational music . Now - what I call "motivational" (both the positive and the negative are good for me ) and "music"- may be a little bit different from what others do. To each its own. However, here it goes - it's been a while since I posted something of this sort; from an (IMO unfairly) too little known band, the one and only "Atomic Rooster": Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Lock the door, switch the light You'll be so afraid tonight Hide away from the beast Count the nine lives that you have Start to scream, shout for help There is no one by your side To forget what is done Seems so hard to carry on Luck is gone, end is near Bring yourself to understand It's your fate, or what's cast Point a finger at yourself Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Lock the door, switch the light You'll be so afraid tonight Hide away from the beast Count the nine lives that you have Start to scream, shout for help There is no one by your side To forget what is done Seems so hard to carry on Seems so hard to carry on, carry on Death walks behind you Death walks behind you Death walks behind you * The bolded part is intentional. I'm also a big fan of radical responsibility . And, of course, grace - but most often dispensed towards others. Gentlemen, it's high time we ditched the adolescent behavior. We are all grown men in bloom here. Counter day 146. And you know what? I feel great about it.
welcome to the olds board. looks like you are doing well, what techniques have you found particularly useful.
Thanks, buddy! I am a Christian, so expect my answer to reflect that - a post of mine in another gentleman's thread: https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...-hard-mode-journal.117803/page-20#post-721519 . Still, I think anyone - regardless of their worldview - will find something useful in there. Also...I'm simply tired to start from zero again. I know that giving in would take me in dark, lonely place, and I have no wish to revisit it. Getting more clean time under your belt helps, too. * Down, down, down below the grave Heaven has turned away Dust, dust, dust will be his feed A lethal blow to end his days Lies, lies, lies are all he speaks Contamination of your mind Dark, dark, darkness fills you eyes Delusion trys to make you blind He's like a beast who lies in hiding A mercenary of deceit I hear the tolling of the death bell I see his ultimate defeat He is the Black Snake of rebellion He is the slayer of the young He is the hellborn of the angels His destiny will be the flames Death, death, death is all around But you can surely break away Blood, blood, blood has paid the price The Prince of Peace will show the way He who is in me is greater Than he who is in the world He who is in me is greater Than he who is in the world
Temptation; came here instead. This whole day was a mess, except the end...so when it ended fine, I was tempted to..."do something" for myself. (Naaaaah!!) And what a good day not to give in: 150! So, don't give up, gents. Be like lil' Thor:
I feel so dead "down there" that the recurring temptation is to "test". It's an exhausting period, lots of stress, and, on top of that, some (hormonal) medication that can interfere with one's libido. So the brain makes its case. As if I don't know that up until recently simple thoughts (not even very sensual) or a woman's face would make my body...react. Just another version of "living in the moment", I guess, is what it is being proposed to me. Yea...of course, my brain is trying to find all kinds of reasons to just get a little dopamine rush. Forget P, Youtube is watining; forget anything very triggering over there, it was trying to entice me with..."mom jeans", LOL. (As 70s - early 80s kids, we know those can be deadly, depending on who is wearing them...LOL.) This won't happen.
mom jeans, ha! Funny stuff man. I'm catching up on your journey and so glad you are here on the 40's board. You've been a jolt of encouragement. And you bring the truth that long term progress is possible to us guys working to stay on the path for a long run of integrity and grit-building.
Ha! That felt good, it's been a while since I've been called that. Thank you, Sir . Hahahah! Glad to hear I'm of some service. Honestly...the last days have been hard. I flirted many times with the idea of giving up, in a way or another. I even opened "bad" tabs and then closed them. I was close to the edge. I engaged in P-alternatives...only to shut them down again. I felt low-energy, that familiar "Why even bother? This will never end." "But even if it won't" - I told myself - "I still need to do the right thing." So, in the end, somehow...I still didn't allow myself to go all the way, and turned myself back each time. But why even go that far? So I'm here to write this to remind myself that giving in is not worth it. That "tunnel vision" is not a vision, but mere blindness in our case.
What I'm trying to do is to act as if I've relapsed without relapsing and act as if I'd be starting everything all over again (although, for sure, everything I did gave me dopamine hits). Maybe I'm not resetting on technicalities, not even sure how honest of me it is. For now, I'll be happy that if 10 times I went in the bed direction I pulled myself back 10 times. So crazy, how strong this drive is in me. And it's been quite a while since the last wet dream. I feel myself engulfed by negative thoughts. By a voice telling me I should "test it", or that I am - gasp! - impotent. Probably even because of..."not using it". The sheer ridiculousness makes me cringe. But hey...these thoughts are swirling in my mind. Ha! I know better than that . And I also know that living in this sin would not - ever! - bring me satisfaction. Because that's just not me. Let this be a sobering song for everyone, starting with me: Hopefully, my next post will be more positive . I don't miss P as much as I simply miss sex, and P is the "fast food" version of it.
Continuing to push through this period. It's not worth throwing anything away, just because of momentary frustrations. I'm much better. God is still good, the future still ahead of me. So far, I haven't sold myself in this life for money, sex, when I had opportunities...and had quite a few, honestly. It would be the saddest thing to do so for some pixels and a sad little habit from my past. P.S. Felt like leaving this here:
I never understood why anyone would ever be ok with "testing", but I see it so often on the forum (from a lot of well-meaning guys, I'm sure). To my mind, it would be like going thru an agonising process of overcoming a heroin addiction, then taking another shot months or years later to see whether you would still get high.
I think, for some of us, 'testing' is a lie we tell ourselves. It's that little voice in the back of your mind telling you, "It's not a relapse, you're just checking things are still working. It's a good thing to keep an eye on your health, right?" It's a seductive voice full of clever rationalizations.
It's just another way for the brain to justify feeding the addiction. Yes...same old brain, same old habits...just another way to drag us in. Not many things to write about other than: I'm still on the mission, as determined as ever, and that I'm in isolation...with the bug. It's not so bad as 48 hours ago when it resembled a bad flu), but my back hurts staying in front of the computer so I'll be short and sweet. Please, both of you, pardon my brevity, and thanks for checking in on me. Just wanted to let everyone know that I did not bend the knee . More power to all of you, gents. I'll be back when I'll be more functional .
Hi CBB, Your posts are great and fun to read. Sorry to hear you have the lurgi and hope you feel better soon. All best, Old Tom
Thank you, and I appreciate your presence here! Today's the first day with Covid where I can say I'm feeling perfect . Day 159!
160 days. Tempted (but what's the news here? perfectly normal for a single, abstinent man ) - but not giving in. Literally running to the Bible instead of doing other things. Just remembered this song back from my teenage years: * I also read the journals of those that have lower counters, for motivation. Just to remind myself how I felt when I was there and that giving in is not worth it. (I know it, yet it is good to hear it again.) To remember how easy it is to fall, and how hard to work yourself back up to a place of peace with yourself. Peace with oneself is more important than the war in the body.
